BrAiNdErAnGeD

Everything.

2012-01-31T12:19:00.001+05:30

::
Money cannot buy you everything.
Sadly, you dont need that everything to live.
::

Moving on.

2012-01-24T19:54:00.000+05:30

::

It seems the smoking has slowly started to take a toll on me. As body gave a better and bigger signal than the brain, I have not smoked a single cigarette in the last two days. So, my last two days were pretty smokeless.

Mumbai gave me mixed days, I met a couple of people i wanted to meet, and had a good time. But strange, I felt normal. I did not feel that anxiety at all, when i meet people who i have never met. I was calm, normal, mostly myself. Now that is strange.

The last day was spent in Lamington road, browsing electronic stuff. Not far away was Kamathipura, the red light area. As I walked around MS Ali road, I could feel the night life of the red light area starting up. The streets were busy, road side vendors making all kind of eatables, Pan wallas, and people selling stuff I had no clue about. I saw ladies, exaggerated make up, cleavages, and a lot of thighs. But all their eyes have lost the sparkle. The lips might smile, the legs might spread, there could be sweet talks, but, I wished I could see a single eye with a bit of glow called hope.

I did not feel bad as usual. I was feeling strange. I was trying to fix my stuff, and i guess, for the first time, I prefered to take care about my stuff before i worry or feel bad about a strange who, in my assumption, looks sad. What I wanted, is direction. What I wanted, is loads of money. Or may be, a compatible companion. or may be, I should drop off every thing and become a naked swamiji in the remotest corner of an estranged jungle where I can get fruits that i can pluck, water to drink round the year, and a few vegetables to eat, and a horny girl to walk into the forest, accidently, and falls for me for two hours.

None of these thoughts seem to work.
That was when I saw this old barber shop - with a thin man with a smile sans two front teeth.

As like a divine intervention, I walked in, asked him to give me that head massage I always wanted to have. There was this Navarathna Oil, and due to my long hair, he had to use a machine (Read crude AC motor) tied to his hands for the massage.

The head massage did not make me a rejuvenated man. But The head did feel good. So, I headed to Leopolds, had fish and chips and a couple of beer.

I got a three - chair table. I looked at the two empty chairs and wished they were there.
Morning, I woke up different. I woke up aggressive. Every minute, I know I will have to move on. I will have to do what I like, and I cannot, no more, treat myself bad.

The flight to calicut almost killed me. The violent shake, visibility issue at the airport, and the even rough landing made me think I was gone.

And When we landed safe, I looked around. The man on my right was thanking god, he was kissing the cross thrice. The man on the front was praying all the while. Everyone seemed to be relieved.

I felt nothing. Thats when I realise, I am happy with things, and I have nothing left to do - I have no more dreams, and I have no more things to live for.

May be, thats what I have to sort out. and move on.

::

Long post. not drunk.

In and out. and then, out.

2012-01-16T23:32:00.000+05:30

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Marriage, is what i am talking about.

So for some time now, i was having the thought of getting married. For some time, quite seriously. And it went to an extent, that i went and met someone - at her home with her mom and dad and brother - a couple of months back. That did not work out ( i still dont know why - i was not given a reason :D) and I am still unmarried.

I have never wanted to get married when i was a kid. But as years went by, the number of people around me got thinner. As they say, man is a social animal, and I, being man, is supposed to have someone with me. And since I aint gay, that someone has to be a woman.

So I sat and wondered if I actually wanted to get married to. May be I wanted. May be I am scared of the responsibilities. May be I am scared of losing my freedom that i have right now. I have a nomadic life, and I dont worry what time i should get back home. In fact, I never get back home, i always end up in a random hotel room, at some part of the country. I dont worry about future much, i dont save. I dont worry about my health much, i smoke and drink. I dont know if i will sacrifice all this for a woman that comes into my life. I am quite a selfish person, and I have no idea how to make people happy, and I am not worried if they are happy or not.

May be i will change when i get married. But then, i want to change for the right person.

I am not going to search anymore. If there is a person like that, she will come to me.

Things were never this clear for me for some time.

its out for now. No more matrimony searches.

pss: Man is a social animal. So, if i have those animal instincts, its NOT my fault.

::

Images and solutions.

2012-01-14T17:05:00.000+05:30

Where are my thoughts that believed nothing can be believed in? May be the ever aging time gave me reasons to justify my inherent drive to do nothing. My views are getting shut to the obviousness of life. My eyes see images of life as an accumulation of aminoacids and proteins. Where is the innocent lens that i used to look people at. Where is the curiosity of the child that made me ponder. Where are the dreams that i loved the night for. Where are the images of suspense that made my heart skip a beat.

You just cant break everything into smaller pieces and try to solve them. Especially if you dont actually have to solve them.

Idiots book on love.

2012-01-08T22:54:00.000+05:30

::

The best guy to write a book on love will be the one who got a broken heart, over and over.

::
I am not one, but I am trying to write one.

Cast away with irritating people.

2011-12-23T18:32:00.000+05:30

::
When I saw the movie Cast away, i felt bad. Felt bad because i had similar kind of Idea for a film long time back. But unlike in the movie, I was not married. No, i didnt have a job either.

That thought could have been, possibly, because, when things went out of hand (as usual) i wanted to resort to a place no one can find me. No internet, no phone, no electricity. Where i could be un reached, where i could be alone doing nothing but eating and sleeping. May be, i can also do some cave art when bored.

As years went by, I started adding characters to my fantasy. What if i got stuck with a damsel in distress? What If i got stuck with a super rich guy and then save him from a wild shark/crocodile/bear/tiger/giant sea monster and in favour he gives me half(or may be three fourth) his wealth as we return? (Of course, i will get laid with the damsel in distress !!)

But then, i could not add any more characters. It seems these are the only tow people i want to be with when I am cast away on this deserted island where no one can reach to. No one else, seem to fit into the scene. A hard rock band wont do, they are useless without distortion, for which electricity is not available. Teenagers/kids/old people stay away, I dont want to take care of anybody.

But what if, i got people who I love to hate? If that is the fate, I will see that i make life horrible for them - not the other way round - like , if I got stuck with menaka Gandhi, I would sbe eating fish and rabbit aroud her. And if i got stuck with Anna Hazare, i would be drinking rum and whiskey(whichever is available) all the time, around him. And If, it is the stupid teenager, all I have to do is throw away the iphone/tablet into the water, and he or she is doomed for life.

How can somebody spoil my day?
It is too easy i guess. The very sight of people I hate spoils all my day.

Sigh.
I think i need that damsel and the lonely island. (With life time supply of whiskey/rum and cigarettes and cannabis.)

::

getting estranged

2011-12-20T14:28:00.001+05:30

::

Yet again.

::

Travel partner

2011-12-19T18:15:00.002+05:30

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Strange, but i want a travel partner.
Just to travel with.

Have no idea where to get one.
::

Of Anna, lokpal and shit.

2011-12-17T21:26:00.002+05:30

::

Thats it. He pulled the plug in this.

Anna Hazare has been in the news for long now. I wont want to go into details, but

Who the F*** does he think he is?

Giving ultimatum to the elected government. ?? What right does he have for that? Just because he has some followers, does that mean that he can dictate stuff to government, and threat?

As if, the bill is going the change India to Paradise. No one knows about the bill, every freaking A**hole thinks every freaking thing he does is right.

Why do we need a government then? We can all very well ask him to rule the state.

Sadly, people are so blind - to blame everything on government. Government did not come from thin air, they are just a reflection of what we all are.

If the government need to change, WE all have to change.

To - All those assholes who support him, fast with him and shit with him - if all of you, who claims to be a "HUGE" portion of Indian population, change yourself, take pledge NEVER to give bribe, obey traffic rules, DO not litter, support indian products - you will achieve what you claims you want to achieve.

But how can you? You people have no idea or individuality, that you are like slaves, who need someone to tell you what you are to do.

To The media who projects him - if you think Anna is following Gandhian Principles, you are wrong. I am not a Gandhian, but its very easy to see he has nothing to Do with the principles of that great man.

All he did in the last few months is, to threaten the government, Campaign against the congress (I am in no way a congress supporter) and speak non sense.

I know I got carried away, but this guy is irritating- very irritating.
::

Your time, your life

2011-12-15T00:44:00.001+05:30

::
never give your time to people
if you are not sure that you will get it back from them.

::

The set of chemicals theory.

2011-12-14T00:47:00.002+05:30

::

this post reminded me of one of my old theories - the set of chemicals theory which can define human beings.

So, if you split parts of human being, to its minutest form, we can conclude that we are, nothing but a set of chemicals combined together. And we do not 'think' and make decisions, the chemicals re arrange according to external stimuli, the net result of it, is what we decipher as 'thinking'.

No one usually agrees to me in this, but wtf. I strongly believes in it, cause It is my own. :P

its just like the river. as the river flows, it do a lot of things. it filters on its own, and do something related to external stimuli - like heat, excess water etc. Human beings, or any other 'living' being as we call it, are just like that, but with more complex processes.

Blame it on the neuro transmitters and motor neurons. Its all their fault.

::

out of place.

2011-12-11T21:57:00.000+05:30

::
As usual, i am in the wrong place once again.
I should not have spent that money on flight.

Wrong decisions. all the time.

::

Getting disconnected.

2011-11-25T23:58:00.000+05:30

::
Its been a long time since i removed myself from electronic networking, in the form of Facebook and Orkut. Its been long, very long, in fact. I have removed all traces of my personal life, except this blog.

I am not surprised that I am missing the network. I never believed in networks, and I dont think i will ever. Looking back, and to a limit, looking forward, I have no idea what I am into.

Every day that passes by gets me more disconnected from the people I know. From the people I liked very much, to the people I hated. I am alien to the electronic ways of telling people I care.

If only I followed the unwritten rules that people around follow. If only I knew what I want from my life. If only I had dreams to fulfill.

The world should end next year.If not, I am screwed big time.

::

The finishing point.

2011-11-21T23:49:00.000+05:30

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- of a good love is marriage.

(it ends there)

::

of mumbai and a long drive

2011-11-10T11:20:00.000+05:30

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Its was a long drive. From trivandrum to Bangalore via Nagercoil, the Metallica concert at bangalore, and then the drive to mumbai. about 1800 kilometers, and I am back in Mumbai after about 10 years.
I dont remember much of Mumbai, as I was not Visiting places then. But this time, I was travelling in the local trains, walking the streets, eating things with a 'pav' prefix to it.

I have been in touch with bangalore for long, even delhi and chennai. I loved to be In bangalore, but after revisiting Mumbai, I guess that love for bangalore is a bit lost.

To put it in one word, I am in love with Mumbai. Life is hassle free compared to bangalore. Travel is damn cheap, the local trains help you reach fast, and the auto and taxi people takes the exact fare.

I met the bookshelf girl there, and she made me eat weird stuff with weird names. I just cant remember the name of the stuff that was over the kulfi. I did not like the kulfi stuff, but the road side joints where they sell the samosa and the pav stuff was real good.

I still dont kow, why, after ll these years of travel all over India, I have visited Mumbai the least. I should come back here, spend more time and see what all things I have been missing. At least for now, I am in love with this place.

::

being.

2011-10-04T00:56:00.001+05:30

::

if you are sure of what you want to do, even if you are wrong about it, i want to be you.
if you can blindly believe in anything, and you can be happy about it, i definitely want to be you.
if people loves you for what you are, I will strive to be you.

or may be i cannot, even if i try.

::

Beware of valentines day

2011-09-18T10:48:00.001+05:30

::
I know this is not that time of the year. And i am nosupporter of that day, but i dont mind that day either. We have mothers day, fathers day, teachers day, engineers day, doctors day, grand fathers day(It might be there), water day, earth day, forest day, environement day,... so, wtf, let it be and let people do what they want on that day.

but then, i stumbled upon this site, somehow, and i dont know if I am to laugh or not. The whole website is worth a read. I dont feel disturbed, but i do think we all have to do something about unemployment these days.

http://www.hindujagruti.org/activities/campaigns/religious/valentine-day/

I dont intent to disturb any 'communal harmony' with post, - , i am born hindu, but I have to say no one has to go to this end. Practicing what you believe in, and not looking at others, is the best way you can live in peace.
::

The rum song

2011-09-15T22:41:00.003+05:30

::

Late in the lousy evening
I had me fingers shaking
Had me mouth all thirsty

and i missed me girly o

I went into this roadhouse
And In the rum I sank me
till me hands all be steady
and me see the things all shady

and In walked pretty lady
she wore a black velvetty
she smelled all poison ivy
and she sat so next to me

I bought her all the rum
and I bought her all the whiskey
and I held all her bottom
As I danced to all the songy

and I asked her for her number
and asked her to my shelter
and she smiled her devil smile
and she kissed me lips in style

And morning in me shelter
I have a pretty hangover
I looked around for the lady
for me cant see things so clearly

So I curse the black velvetty
for all me money is all gone
And I curse the black velvetty
for all me rum is all gone

And I curse the black velvetty
For i slept that night alone.

::

oops. I am.

2011-08-28T03:06:00.000+05:30

::

Oops. yes.

I am a techie. I am jealous. I am contagious. I am what i am not. I am what you do not want to be. I am a fool to believe. I am negotiable. I am vulnerable. I am a new smoker. I am a new chain smoker. I buy lots of stationery that i do not use. I love cats. I love to drive in the rain. I love to take care of certain people. I am an athiest. I am a poor manager of money. I am in debt. I am spoiled. I am not that fat and i do not want to put up weight. I am a poor singer but i sing a couple of songs well. I play guitar but only selected songs. I love to walk in the rain, nude. I believe in fate. I believe that heaven and hell do not exist. I am hated by most of the people who know me. I drive quite fast when in the mood. I love to have sex with a girl who loves me. I am not a virgin. I say i do not regret my mistakes but deep inside i doubt it. I do not want to have kids. I do not want to have a life partner. I want to travel a lot with a girl who loves my kind of music and loves my way of travel. I am not obsessed with money. I own a black and white phone. I take astro photographs and I am really good in it. I know to operate most of the telescopes. I do not know how to call on an I phone. I use a car my father bought with his money. I love to make cocktails. I love to listen to Lynrd skynrd and Led zeppelin and Blue oyster cult. I love to drive with a girl i like and hold her hands when I drive. I like very few guys who I know. I am getting old. The best kiss I ever had was in my car. I have not felt peace of mind in the last 15 years. I started smoking cigarettes only a couple of months back. I have a dirty mind. I am very selfish. I am a sadist sometimes. I am jealous of guys who look better than me. I am jealous of girls who are taller than me and who can drive a car better than me. I am not confident in riding a geared motor cycle. I draw faces of the satan very well. Iam really scared of getting any kind of injection. I close my eyes when i watch a really scary movie. I hate to watch an emotional movie because it disturbs me. I am a liar, sometimes. Mostly, I try to be honest. I have very few good things in me. I want to be a simple man. I want to have sex with women of all race. I want to be loyal to my wife, if i ever marry. I want to get un-drunk. I love chocolates. I love my hometown and I want to live there through out my life. I want to be someones best friend. I want to sleep peacefully. I want to make someone happy. I love to see many of my friends sad.

Oops. I am drunk.

I know I will regret this post when i wake up tomorrow.

But as my policy goes, I never edit my post. So let it be. May be, this is what i really am.

faded lights and some smoke

2011-07-24T22:42:00.000+05:30

::

The more I type, the more backspaces i hit. Its easier in the silicon space, where i put down things in a text area with the help of a cursor and a keyboard. If only things were this easier. If only backspaces got integrated with real life. If only fading the lights and breathing out thin films of white smoke backspaces things.

I know it doesnt. But nothing else does either.Nothing else, can i do better.

::

Memories

2011-07-03T16:13:00.002+05:30

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I would love to erase my memories.
Even then, i might not be able to start over.

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Unanswered questions.

2011-06-23T21:07:00.001+05:30

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do u think you will be happy if you get answers to all your questions?

::

Sick.

2011-05-23T19:31:00.000+05:30

::

Why do I have this feeling that i am getting sick of my own blog?

::

Withdrawal symptoms.

2011-05-22T20:50:00.000+05:30

Ions. Lots of them. travels through them neurons, creating the illusion of ecstasy, pleasure, pain, and the ultimate orgasm. Ultimately, you can feel good even when someone close to you die. Just that, the ions have to go in a different way to some other place in your funny brain. And you can feel bad for no reason, you can laugh when you are homeless. Just, re route the ions!!

Well, then, it would be possible to do nothing and feel good, you can feel good when lonely, you cannot feel the pain when you starve, and you dont need someone to love you.

I just need to rip open the brain, re wire the neuron mesh, and feel good doing nothing.

And when someone feels happy without doing noting, we stamp them lunatic, and treat them.

Martini Without Ice.

2011-05-19T19:26:00.000+05:30

Bangalore gave me one of the worst throat infections i ever had, but that will not, at any cost hold me from having a sip at Purple Haze, when I am at Bangalore. The music has been getting pathetic these days, or may be, new DJs have joined in, whose taste of music doesnt exactly match with mine. But then, today was fine, the good ol guy who enjoy my kind of music was playing something I liked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMV-fenGP1g

Refreshing. Its been a long time I heard Van Halen, and not many times have I seen this video. I asked for a Martini extra dry, stirred, without ice, and that was great.

Right now, you better watch the video.

If it doesnt make any sense to you, nothing will probably.
(Or you can try watching it with a Martini)
::

Addiction

2011-05-19T19:10:00.000+05:30

::

The best way to get out of addiction is to get addicted.
and get bored of it.

If you didnt, why do you have to get out of it anyway. ?

::

Summer.

2011-05-14T17:54:00.000+05:30

::

The tide brings up the sand you love to feel
And then you make up your mind to heal
But then the bad dream you had the other night
Makes you go down and shut all the light

The rides are all over, and the drive is long gone
The fuel is all burnt and The highways all done,
The hands long for another, and long for that feel
Eyes all gone tired, looks for a kiss to heal

This aint the summer of the dreams
Never was one, in the dreams,
Sweat, is all that remains
as always, as ever always.

::

Things they are a changing

2011-05-14T17:37:00.002+05:30

::
~~Things they are a changing.~~
Nothing has changed. and will.
::

...

2011-05-01T11:28:00.002+05:30

::

Life brings in a lot of options, without a choice.

::

The ever greedy brain.

2011-04-29T23:55:00.000+05:30

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There is always, the next big thing.

::

loo-natic.

2011-04-10T14:39:00.001+05:30

That right. I joined a firm, and I am designing toilets. Well, electronic toilets. And I am researching on the toilet habits of people all over the world. Like, the things people can do in a toilet, and how I can design a public toilet so that people cannot use these for the great other purposes, that they usually use it for.

Other purposes?? These signs tell you exactly what.

These things are a no no..

You can, but no sounds permitted.

Dont fish, and dont pee like a dog. Only wonder what they can possibly fish for..

The next thing that got me interested was the toilet signs.. here goes..

Which room will you get in to??

Simple, art. Educative. Women has that, and men have these.

The universal toilet. Welcome all sexes, aliens, and life form of all possible combinations. Must be set up by the Men In Black.

In case, you dont know the regional language...

Simple, cost effective, sign. I would like to meet the guy who designed this one.

Plenty of open air, Does nt not need electricity, nor water. Very cost effective model.

For the twins. Or for whoever they built it for.

Where is my toilet paper?

S*** like a king.

Down the hill !

For those who eat, drink and **** music.

Any comments?

Well well well..

Play while you pee.

The perfect toilet.

Have no idea which country this is from.

Creative. very creative.

I can see you, but you cant see me..

Wash basin. Or does it have multiple functions?

The best portable toilet.

Phew.

Now coming to some real good ones...

And, the ultimate in loo education.

Never, miss the following tutorial..

::

Happy toileting..

::

Girls of the spoilt kind.

2011-04-05T21:59:00.000+05:30

I am most comfortable when I drink alone. But then, once in a while, i do get to drink in a group. A group of people I know. And thats when I have stories coming up.

So today, I get to hear this story this "spoilt" girl. Well, guys use a very different word, and you know what.

Apparently, the story of this girl did come in the newspaper. I dont know what happened actually, but as the story went, the girl delivered a kid inside the toilet of her college hostel, and killed the kid and left it inside the bucket. The girl comes from an affluent family, and the funny part is that no one, even her roommates didnt know she was pregnant. The girl was hospitalized, obviously bleeding, and with a lot of complications. later, the documents was written in a way that the kid died at the hospital.

Well. this is a story i heard. I have no idea what actually happened.

There are a lot of questions raised. as to how she could hide the pregnancy. A lots of hows and whys. How a mom could kill her kid. And this and that. Everything about the girl is under question. I asked these questions myself, before jumping in to point the fingers at the girl give her my share of curse.

How different her childhood be, from the 'normal', the so called 'good' girls? For her to do a different deed than normal, she might have had a different kind of past. Different set of reasons. Different set of people. The realization that accusing her or justifying her doesnt make any difference did haunt me for a while. It doesnt seem to be a gender biased thing. men who commit crimes, kill people, and rape kids come in the same category. Circumstances. And those circumstances are not, created by them. but by all of us. We make fun of overweight people. We look down at underprivileged people. We look at beggars and street children more of a nuisance than as human beings. We dont give them respect as they grow up, and they grow up to rape and kill.

But, if the girl comes in front of me, will I be able to give her the respect as to a human being? Or should I not give her the respect and look at her as If I have seen the worst creature on earth? Will she be cool headed to take all these positively? or is she going through a rough time? A million girls in this world, and how different is this girl from the others?

Views keep changing. Girls with different history and size and shape comes in. The fact that we have no set of rules to refine our thoughts drives me nuts. May be, I should not worry about girls. may be, i should stop drinking with my friends.

The spec.

2011-03-31T10:40:00.000+05:30

::

Alright. i have been having weird insane thoughts as usual.

And last night, i thought of the essential things required for the kind of girl i am looking at - to live with.

1) Should have a job. Cause, i may not have one, most of the times.
2) Should drink.
3) Should not smoke when I am around.
4) Should cook - Nothing fancy required - just the basic stuff.
5) Should have similar tastes like I have in terms of music - MUST.
6) Should be independent. (I am not going to pick you up from the station)
7) Should love long drives. I mean real, long drives.
8) Should NOT be obsessed with clean rooms. If you are, you better clean it up, i aint cleaning anyway.

Well I guess thats it for the essentials.
And yes, should also bear with my :

Big ego.
Philosophical ramblings.
Robots.
Long silences.

Reminds me of the led zep song:

" To find a queen without a king,
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.

Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems. "

::

:P

31

2011-03-28T21:25:00.000+05:30

Thats right. about two hours from now, i will complete 31 years of existence in this world. I didnt expect much from this years birthday. the day was as usual, a couple of people called and wished, and i have no idea how they remembered the day.

And again, i realized waving a white flag sometimes dont work. The only real wish i had today, was hoping that waving the flag would work. Never mind. screwing up things, is in my blood.

Happy birthday to me.

Cats.

2011-03-26T14:08:00.000+05:30

No animal has amused me more than the cat. Love em.

I miss my old cat.

The music blog.

2011-03-26T11:38:00.002+05:30

::

Something made me remember that I have a blog on music I like. Well. I quickly logged in, dusted up the pages, and here it goes :

http://www.notesofgray.blogspot.com

You better pay a visit. If you dont, i will know. :P
::

l'amour stupide

2011-03-18T19:42:00.000+05:30

Guess what i miss these days is a one night stand.

At least, i would love to believe so.

Da Job.

2011-03-18T19:37:00.000+05:30

::

Yes.
I am working. For a company. At the capital city of the so called god own country. Nothing big, but comfortable. it is very strange that I am not complaining.

May be, this is the much wanted change. May be, its because I want that distance from many of the people. May be, I want to be estranged myself.

I dont know if I am at peace. but I am drinking everyday these days.

::

The dawn of the dusk.

2011-03-04T21:53:00.001+05:30

Dusk dawned and there he stood staring at the orange light in the sky. Brisk, shivering rhythm of the heart beat have given way to a calm and composed tune. Nothing seemed to be felt. The limbs could not feel their existence and the brain could not listen to its own thoughts. The skin felt disconnected from the flesh. Thin, long cuts remained undone all over the pale skin. Blood refused to peek out of the cuts and pain refused to hide below the flesh. There he stood, feeling the pain of every single wound, that he took over the years. Some self made, some from friends, and some from people he dont even know. It has been a while he has seen the sun rise, it has been a while since the rain showered on him all over to heal the pain. He tried to take another step. He refused to curse the fate. He refused to even change a muscle on the face.

A squirrel popped out its tiny head out of the small hole in a nearby tree. He has been observing this thin man for years now. As usual, the squirrel climbed on to this shallow branch, to have a closer look at this person. He looked at his face. They seemed to be having this conversation :

" I dont think you can move."

" I know. But you dont need to remind me. "

" Well. You took the wrong decision"

" Well. I have taken a lot of bad decisions."

" And you have hurt people"

" Yes, i did hurt many people purposefully."

" Dont you think you deserve it?"

" Well. may be. But i will still stare at the faint yellow light. I will still want the sky to rain. i cannot change my want, for even what i want is not wanted by me. "

The ****ing point.

2011-02-24T19:53:00.002+05:30

::

The point is not to get out of it.
It is to find out where I have to get out from.

::

Me and the phone.

2011-02-20T19:45:00.000+05:30

::

It pains when someone like me, who hardly use the phone, look desperately at it to see the screen saver change.

::

Summer Sun

2011-02-17T21:50:00.000+05:30

::

Summer sun never inspired.
Probably because it was a bit too much.

::

The aam admi.

2011-02-13T15:16:00.001+05:30

I am getting sick of this word, and I am furious. Its all about what the aam admi didnt get. Every time, there is a hike in the fuel prices, there is an increase in the price of the onion, the blame game starts with the aam admi. Alright. over 70% of India is the aam admi, or the common man (Which, I am also a part of).

I dont want to write a lot, and ramble on. Just ONE line.

The state of affairs of a country is the EXACT reflection of the behavior pattern for the majority of population.

So if the common man wants better facilities, better change your attitude.

You may stop giving the bribe, you may stop spitting on the road, pile up your entire kitchen waste on the road and complain that the government aint taking action. You may stop harassing your kids for better marks, and you may teach your kids better behaviour by setting an example yourselves. You may work better for the nation, then, YOU have the right to question the government you yourselves put into power.

The time before the orgasm :P

2011-02-12T20:49:00.002+05:30

::

It is not the love that you enjoy the most.
It is the strive to get that love, the most enjoyed thing.

Just like, you yearn for more time before an orgasm.

::

(He he .. i put that title just to attract more people into this post :P:P *evil grin*)

Scratching the deep inside

2011-02-12T20:45:00.000+05:30

::

Life passes by with every instant teaching you another possible state of things. Never, do these instances repeat, either. Reinstates my earlier finding, that there is nothing to be learnt from life.

Every little thing carries an irony of its own kind.

::

The power of small things.

2011-02-10T08:25:00.000+05:30

I was, very peaceful when I walked out of my home, to take the train to err... Trivandrum. Seems like my much hated place is going to be my place for some time now. I got out early, thinking of a possibility to have a gin and rum mix, and possibly some food. I was way too early, So I decided to catch a bus rather than the usual last-minute-auto. I have started to love buses, especially when a beer and a litre of petrol costs the same. So, with the aforementioned peaceful mind, I got out of the bus, ready to catch the auto to my favourite drinking place.

No Auto? Damn. Cant see one, in the heart of the city, and which ever came into my proximity had a whole family/bald man/oversized lady/ and the the likes in it. Well.. I decided to walk on. Slight frustration started to pour in.

I walked in, and this bus came at supersonic speed, and honked right behind me, while i was very much on the footpath. S*** scared, I jumped off to the left to avoid any contact with the gigantic scrap of metal. Adrenaline. Damn. $%^&*.

Cursing the bus, I walked on, only to put my feet in a puddle of mud. Damn again.

I walked and walked, and I started t sweat, possibly the added affect of the adrenaline. Still, no auto in sight. And in no time, I was at the drinking place.

Well. The people have changed. No on I used to know. even the bar boys. And the table I dropped in had scraps of food and it seems like they have no intention to clean it up. And when I had a look at the watch, the time for the train was closing in. So Instead of the peaceful sip, I had quick gulps, and rushed to the station.

Well yes. As usual. A thick mustached, pot bellied, bald idiot sitting on my seat. My polite requests did not deter him, he asked me to simply climb up my berth and sleep !. Well.

Only a couple of weeks back, I had my most peaceful couple of weeks in Singapore. Not that I did not have issues. My robot had to retire early, and I had spent a fortune making it. I should have been real upset for that. But, all those two weeks, No buses honked, People were courteous, Eating places were clean, and There was no rush whatsoever. People wait patiently when an elderly crosses. They dont swear. Nothing. I was peaceful.

Its not the big things or the big buildings or crystal clean footpaths. Its all in the people. I had created a big mess in trains, Have shouted at an entire Punjabi family , cursed an old couple in such a volume that the TTE came in from the other compartment to see whats happening. When small things accumulate, people behave bad. The boy at the bar, the driver who honks, the guy in the government office who takes bribe, the boy in the classroom who slaps the teacher, the guy who raped and killed the girl in the train. Everyone. Things would have been much better if we take care of the smallest of the things. And the same is the easiest, and that is the irony of it.

Dressing up.

2011-02-02T01:15:00.002+05:30

::

I dress up in black.
Possibly because the old scars are all black.
Possibly because I sometimes think I can hide them.

Mis concepts.

::

En Transit.

2011-01-30T18:22:00.000+05:30

The wet, floor of the runway. Little games played by little kids. Serious talks from the adults. Restless youth. Old people who seems to think something unconfortable. It is when people are left to do nothing, that we see their hearts. I have no idea which group I belong to. I long not to be human, and that feeling is no more bringing me that uneasy chill down the spine.

That peace of mind.

2011-01-26T15:44:00.000+05:30

It is raining. Heavy. The place I want to go is hardly meters away. I do not have any inventions which will take me there without getting me wet. So I sit here, in this bus stop, with a long faced old aged chinese man and an equally old chinese woman. Having nothing to do except to wait for the rain to pour out less, I took the book and started to scribble this down. Well. It seem to be a perfect place to write, and a perfect climate to scribble down things.

I am getting late. Never mind. The rain and the wind seem to soothe me down. The fact that I am at a very different latitude and longitude than I used to be does not excite me anymore. Had it been six years back, I would have been amused, curious, excited and happy. I have now reached to a point where even travel seemed to be less amusing. Things seem to be vacant, and I feel myself to be a bag of organic material, following chemical instructions of a stupid form, originating from a location I have no clue about. I feel to be on a three way line, of survival, existence and living. Still, I could feel the noticeable difference - I am at peace. The peace that has eluded me for years. I am not angry or irritated or upset that my robot failed to function as it should have, after all the money and time i have put in to make it. I dont blame my luck. I just eat, I walk, I sleep. I am at peace.

The peace came with a price, the price of numbness. Numbness to pain, pleasure or pain. The numbness to dreams. The numbness to be excited about.

It has been an hour now, the rain does not seem to stop. People comes in from buses and leave. I see people who are happy, people who look sad. People who are disabled, people who are old. Beautiful women and handsome men. I see luxury cars passing by and I see road workers walking down in rain. Sitting here, everything seem to pass by.

I still sit here, staring at the rain and ignoring all the water that flows below my legs. I ignore the people around me, and their emotions.

I guess peace of mind comes at the expense of everything. It comes with the ability to discard everything and the ability of not to have desires. Such peace, are never lasting. That is the irony of it, and that is probably why humans rarely seem to be at peace, compared to the animals.

Conversations VI

2011-01-21T21:50:00.002+05:30

::

-- As I said earlier, this wont work out.
~~ You cant be that negative. Well. In fact you are a bit too negative. You need to learn to see the brighter sides of things.

-- You know, once these two guys got into this lift, and the lift broke down.
~~ ..

-- And one of them, was the guy you were taking about. The brighter side guy. So he kept on telling the other one, that they will definitely get out without issues.
~~..

-- The other guy was my kind of guy.
~~ Yeah. Well., why dont you come to the point.

-- Well, they got out together, obviously.

::

Conversations V

2011-01-17T09:26:00.000+05:30

::

~~ Dream? Yes. I want to travel round Paris.

-- You got the money?
~~ No,

-- How can you probably go, then?
~~ That is the point. Most of the good things, are for rich, successful people.

-- Who is a successful guy?
~~ A guy with fulfilled dreams. A guy, who achieved everything he wanted. Who has realised most of the dreams he had. So when death comes in and ask him to leave this earth, he whole heartedly decides to leave.

-- I am a very successful person., I guess.
~~ No, you are not.

-- How can you say?
~~ You dont even have a job.

-- See, I just followed your definition
~~ Yeah. Blame it on me.

::

Conversations IV

2011-01-17T09:08:00.001+05:30

-- How has life been?

~~ Normal.

-- Hmm. Normal. What does that mean.

~~ That it is just as it is. Nothing real good or real bad happens. See, if I won a lottery ticket, life is good. If my car crashed into the tree round the corner, life is bad. If I get laid down by this chick i have been seeing at the bar, life is good. If i got a slap on the face, it is bad. see. Simple. If something which happens everyday happens, life is normal.

-- Well.

~~ I heard you are having a rough patch.

-- Did you?

~~ Something like ....

-- Well. Life is normal.

~~ I guess I shouldn't have defined.

Conversations III

2011-01-16T10:48:00.001+05:30

::

~~ No, I dont believe in that story. See, you cant believe these words.

-- Why not?

~~ You should believe what you see, and not what you hear.

-- Yeah, i have read that in a t shirt.

~~ yeah yeah.

-- See, I think we should have a coffee now.

~~ Cant. The train comes in 5 mins.

-- Says who?

~~ The large sized public address system.

-- Dont believe it, Cause you heard it.

~~ yeah. yeah. Whats the point.?

-- Things are relative.

~~ They are. SO?

-- Nothing..

~~ Why nothing?

-- Because it IS relative. I wanted to say something I want you to believe. But since things are relative, you will believe it in your way and may not respond it in a way i want you to, because the very reason why I want to tell you something might be for the responses i want from you. It is real weird, because, all we need as a social animal, are the responses from each other. A smile, a look, a laugh, a pat, this, that. Sometimes even the brain have no idea about the response the other person will give. But still, he wants them. Its called curiosity.

~~ Einstein !. Evey one knows what curiosity is.

-- Yes, they do. What is YOUR point.

~~ You should sleep well.

-- Sigh. Think so.

::

Conversations - II

2011-01-14T13:24:00.000+05:30

::

-- Its been three months now.. still, cant we be in love?
>> See, you are not the kind of guy.

--Well then, what kind of guy is your kind of guy?
>>Well. Simple. He should be rich, tall, fair, athletic, loyal and smooth.

--Well. Why should he fall in love with you?

::

The last sunset

2011-01-13T23:28:00.000+05:30

::

Shall the sunset
Bathe you in desperation
To live a whole new life
When you shall exhale
The last breath of your
Ever untamed soul.

Shall the sunset
Call your unknown names
To hear the unheard cries
Once left ignored
For the lustful eyes of your
Ever hungry heart.

::

Conversations - I

2011-01-13T08:20:00.001+05:30

::

~~ It is something I never understood. Why is it that there has to be marriage? Why cant people just live together?

>> It is a security thing. If you are married, the guy just cant leave the wife and go. If you are not, the guy can just leave the girl and go for another woman. We are not like the west. We have family values and a rich culture based on family bonding.

~~ Why do they have to live together if they dont feel like?

>> Well. It is complicated. Bonds are important. It builds up social security.

~~ Yes. Yes. I know. I know.

>> Well?

~~ Was thinking of social security and family bonding these days.

>> ??

~~ This girl comes to me once in a while. We hook up once in a while. She tells what her husband dont do to her and this and that. I guess she is trying to build up social security.

::

nO mOrE

2010-12-31T14:04:00.001+05:30

::

NO MORE ENCORE.

::

WTF

2010-12-31T13:52:00.001+05:30

::

Alright, it is a new year.
SO?

::

Love Demystified.

2010-12-26T16:09:00.001+05:30

Love can be broken down into simple terms. Like the Fourier transform. For people who don’t know, the Fourier Transform breaks down a complex signal to its frequency components. And when you add up all these broken down signals, you get the original signal back. These thoughts came up from my non-alcoholic brain, as I have quit.

Something made me feel like love is NOT complicated as it seems. Breaking it down to all the components, every component has this tint of possession. What makes a wife, different from a simple friend, is the feeling of being belonging o someone. And I guess that is it. It is as simple as that. Love is all about wanting something badly, and in turn we do weird things to get hold of something we want badly.

I can easily compare it to one of the most difficult object I can part with. That is, my Laptop.

Well, I do not have a girl friend now, I am single, but I am comparing this with the times I had one.

LT: I carry my laptop everywhere I can. I love its company. It amuses me and makes time pass easy. I don’t carry it when I hike, or when I go to places I don’t know.

GF: I carry my GF everywhere I can, because I love the company. I don’t feel bored.

LT:When I bought the laptop, I cared it a bit too much. I bought all accessories, and I cleaned it up every day, and carried it as if it was a piece of gold of that weight.

GF:When I had this girlfriend, I took care of it too much in the initial times. I bought things, and I spent lot of time thinking of her.

LT:I never let anyone use my Laptop.

GF:Well.. I don’t think I would want anyone else to use my girlfriend either.

LT:I get angry when the laptop misbehaves. It upsets me, and I try my best to fix it.

GF:Well. Ditto.

LT:When I see my friend’s laptop, with higher configuration, I get jealous.

GF::D Obviously.

Ultimately, the only difference you can spot out, is the brain thing. Love with a human being is different because of the emotions that play around. The outputs we get from loving a machine and loving a human are different. You can replace a machine, or make another one. You cannot replace a human. But the point is, is falling in love with a human, worth the pain it gives back? And that pain is inevitable.

I guess I prefer the machine. You know how it works; you know how to make it work. Ultimately, the point is to make ourselves feel good. I do not agree with people who believe making others happy is the point in life. For them they do feel good making people feel good, so ultimately everyone can be rounded off to be selfish. Yes, I am exceptionally selfish. I don’t think I am keen to make people happy.

The arranged marriage IS force full bondage. Whether the couple build up the feeling of belonging to each other, is something that can be left to time and fate. If they do, well. If they don’t, never mind. I do sometime use somebody else’s laptop when mine goes haywire.

Sigh. But no sigh.

2010-12-25T19:58:00.000+05:30

I have stopped drinking.

Dont look at me like that.

NO!!! Its NOT FOR A DAY !!

its been 5 days now.!, and I am going good.

It all happened on Dec 19, that fateful day. Well, dec 19 2010 was the third time in my life, i was out of my mind, after drinking. On all other occasions, I knew what I was doing, I was in control. I could walk. I could pay the bill. I can count to 1000 without issues, and I can stand on one leg. Yes. Standing on one leg. That is one feat i demonstrate to people who believe I am out of control when drunk. I stand on one leg, with the other foot resting on the knee of the leg I am standing on, and then start the stopwatch. 60 seconds. No issues.

The first time I was rendered control - less, was about 4 years ago. I didnt drink much, but I tried mixing beer and whiskey. On my way back, I asked my friend to pull over, and threw up as soon as I got out of the car. Later, I was informed that the esteemed venue of my graceful act was right in front of KSRTC, in the full view of the public. I forgot to eat, and the next day, I had to clean the entire house, for you know what. Obviously, I was home alone.

The second time, was in Taiwan. Yes. Blame it on the bottle. That was the Taiwanese traditional drink, and I was at the heart of Taipei. A small band was singing Eagles songs. Even after 6 'large' (1 large = 60 ml) nothing happened. I was a bit disappointed, I thought I should have had whiskey. The host (the guy who paid the bill, and the guy who i am staying with) was rich, and he was taking us in his high end Mercedes. 20 minutes later, did the spirit awake. Damn. Double damn. I could see clouds. I could see multiple objects. I was knocked out. I woke up next day, and I was informed, that I puked all over inside his car, and then all over his toilet, and talked a lot of emotional, philosophical stuff. Well.

And the third time. Came dec 19, and I had plans to keep it to my usual drink. That is, 120 ml of Bacardi and 30 ml of Gin, in a wide tumbler glass with salt on the rim and one whole lemon. I binge over the counter, I dont talk much, and everyone is happy with me cause I am calm when drunk, and I tip well. I am a regular at this place, and everyone knows me here. I asked the driver to come in at 9. And then, somebody came by my side, looked at me, and smiled.

Do I know him?? Had no idea, I smiled back.

30 minutes later, we were talking like we knew for 20 years. He was a total stranger, and I had no idea how much i drank. He left after a while, and the driver called me in.

Damn. I am late. I checked my wallet for the money.

Darn. No money. All what is left is a pair of hundred rupee notes.

Where the hell is the money?? There is nothing in the card. But where is the money? I remember I took the money, I remember substantial amount as I came in to the bar.

I ran to the car, checked. Nothing. I ran back to the bar, checked. Nothing. I will get credit here, but then, where is the money? I ran back to car, and on the way, I remember I did throw up. And when I ran back to bar, I did it again, in the loo.

"Any problems, sir??" Asked the guy.

"Yes". My money is missing and I did not pay.

"But sir, you did. " And you gave me good tip too. And you paid the other guys bill too.

WTF??

I dont even remember that happened.

Next day I woke up, My brain was clouded. I had 6 rounds of my usual drink. that will be 720 ml of bacardi and 180 ml gin, 2 prawns fry, 2 fish finger and some king of fish I dont remember. I could not think well on 20th. The brain seemed non existent.

I felt like I should stop. No, actually I DID stop. No one asked. But I do not have that feeling to take alcohol anymore. But one day, I will start again. But I dont want a fourth time knock out.

Of marriages and beautiful faces.

2010-12-18T19:49:00.002+05:30

I was in this restaurant some years ago. I liked this place because it is normally quiet, and I like quiet, cool (as in temperature) places to eat. I need to relax, i love to stretch my legs and keep it in any awkward position i want to keep it. I love to eat as much as i can, and I have weird eating habits, which i might not want people to see.

And that day, this big family came in.

Damn. 13 of them. kids, uncles, momas, dads. Conversations that fit into all age groups, shouting, yelling, cries, running around, this, that. Mess.

And that was when i noticed the girl. I thought i knew her. She resembled a girl I knew. No not her. The girl I knew was cute, beautiful, have the perfect figure, have the prefect eyes. She was one girl I always used to "look" at. She was close to perfect.

While, this girl, was overweight, had a pale skin, and looked much, much older. She looked 28, while the girl I knew is about 20.

In came my chicken, and I love to indulge in food. The environment faded to oblivion, and I cleaned up the plate in no time.

The door opened, and this big man came in. I knew the guy very well, she was the dad of the girl I knew. Well. Well. I looked back. Again and again. It was her. one year into marriage, and this girl has changed a lot in terms of looks.

I remember the times when I and my friend used to browse the matrimony site, for my friend. A lot of profiles were rejected, mostly because, of the looks. The first filter criteria was the photograph. When it comes to arranged marriages, looks play a very big role. Only to be lost in a couple of years, or a decade into the marriage.

What is the point, if the most important filter criteria, the looks, last only for a very less percentage of time, that the couple live together?

I remember a guy rejecting a girl, because her boobs were a bit small. Never small, in my definition, but then. WTF?? Is it all about holding the boobs for the rest of his life?

WTF?

I have no idea why, I am writing this. These are not, my problems anyway. At least for a very long time.

Winning them hearts.

2010-12-16T22:04:00.002+05:30

::
There aint any point winning them hearts.
you cant eat em when you are hungry.
::

The uninvited wind.

2010-12-11T23:14:00.003+05:30

::

It is when the wind blows straight on your face, that you cant see what it carries.
or what, it has in store, for you.

::

...

2010-12-08T22:21:00.003+05:30

::

If you are scared of happiness, will it mean that you will never be happy ?

::

400

2010-12-03T09:34:00.003+05:30

::

:P

Yeah. this, is my 400th post.

I had no idea what to write, but then, i thought i would skip back and check out my old posts. Browsing back, most of them seemed stupid, many of them were crap, and many, silly. But then, there are some of them which i like to read, not because they are good to read or because they are sweet memories, but because those posts convey without inhibitions, my stream of thoughts at that point of time.

Poems :
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2007/07/soul-mate.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2007/12/soulmate-ii.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/06/coloured-little-bird.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2009/02/full-circle.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/10/resignation-letter.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/10/soulmate-vi.html

Look Back
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/07/disbelief-of-highest-order.html

Other:

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-with-my-future.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/08/discoveries-of-lazy-mind.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/08/theories-of-lazy-mind.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/09/cant-title-this-one.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/02/most-expensive.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/11/of-men-and-women.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2009/11/top-10-inventions.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/09/surprisingly-stupid.html

One/Two liners/Short Writings
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/10/fyi.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/03/28.html
http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2007/08/knot.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2007/09/price.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/10/gods-and-ayodhya-verdict.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/07/new-world.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2009/12/blog-post_04.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2008/07/how.html

http://brainderanged.blogspot.com/2010/10/pointless.html

Well...

Every Day

2010-12-02T20:42:00.002+05:30

::

Every day that pass by makes me more and more comfortable with death.
Every day that pass by, also takes me closer.

::

Of numbers and faint lines.

2010-12-02T00:17:00.002+05:30

College time. We were supposed to learn engineering. How to make electric current to go in a way we want it to go. How to make a bulb glow. How satellites work, and how a television works.

I was good in math. er. Numbers. er. numerology.

Somewhere in the middle of my engineering, palmistry and numerology struck me. I compared my hand and my lines with the ones in the book, and i came into a conclusion that palmistry is very true. Needless to say, the book says i am highly intelligent, energetic, have leadership qualities, and this and that. :D

Palmistry was another alternative way to have girls around you. Irrespective of who i am, they will line up and have their open hands straight up to me. So, I started learning palmistry and numerology.

About six months later, I became a practicing palmist during trips and camps. I started to collect as much books i can, and somewhere, I even wondered if palmistry was actually right.

So, one fine evening, I was relaxing on my bed, planning the next mischief for the next day. That was, when, my roommate came in, and asked for my expert predictions on his brother.

Me: Date of birth and time of Bith?

Him : _________(I dont remember what he said)

Me : (Calculating different combinations, this that. )

blah blah blah blah.........

Him: Man !! You are right. He is exactly as what you said.

Me: (wicked smile) heh heh

Impressed on my own success, I thought of expanding my horizons. I imagined myself surrounded my hands, of course, that of girls. Happy that I am turning into an actual palmist, I decided to have a good sleep.

Him: Oops, Wait a minute.

Me : What??

Him: I messed up his date. that was not his date, that was my cousins.

Well.

Do I need to say my usual "I didnt do something since then" this time???

Blame it on the movies.

2010-11-30T19:51:00.001+05:30

Again, long ago, once upon a time.

Must be my fourth standard. I heard this announcement in class, that they are starting to teach Karate in school. Well.. I was this skinny guy, hardly had any tissue which can be legally called a 'muscle', was a bit short, and I was normally bullied by every tom dick and that guy who passed my way. Karate seemed to be a good option, as I was seeking revenge of all sorts.

I dont know how I managed to get the permission, but I did join in. So, I became one of the senior guys by the time I reached 9th. In fact, only four of us seniors continued, making me one of the four senior guys, with a higher belt. Needless to say, I was still bullied, this time by my fellow senior guys (who had the same belt as me in Karate, but were one year senior to me in terms of class), because they were better in size and built. And when we had to fight, I was normally on the receiving side.

I never had a problem with that, until that fateful day.

About 6 girls (yeah, beautiful girls) of my class joined for Karate.

Which means I will have to teach them when our sensei (teacher) is late. And suddenly I (along with others) started to come early, started to train harder. I started to spend more time in front of the mirror, checking frequently for any trace of the aforementioned tissue. Sigh. So did others.

And when we had to fight, they became more ferocious, and I ended up with having a better stock of pain balms.

And then, one fine day, I decided something. I might have got the motivation from some stupid films those days. There were a lot of movies were this thin, poor chap will get beaten up in the beginning and then something happens and the poor chap will have the revenge. Like in Rocky.

So with all the spirits, I went straight ahead and challenged mr R for the fight that day. We even had a bet. I proclaimed proudly, that I would win this time.

Came evening. Fighting comes in the end.

Me: Sir, can we have the fight now??

Sensei : No, not today. may be next day.

Me: No, We want one today. I want it with R.

Sensei (Surprised) : You sure??

Me: Yes.

Sweet thoughts of me bashing up Mr R flashed through my mind. Images of the six beautiful girls admiring my fighting skills. Possibility of one of them having a cush on me, and then..

Ajumen !!

That was the call to start the fight.

We took our positions, I had a look at him, and as I was about to plan my first move,

There I was, on the ground.

A round kick, straight on my jaw.

it took three days for me to talk normally.Since then, i refuse to be motivated from stupid movies.

Aah. Tequila.

2010-11-26T01:54:00.001+05:30

(I am really, really drunk. I have no clue what i might write. readd at your own risk.)

I still cannot believe myself. I opted out of the free rum and whiskey and dinner at Chancery Pavilion, and rushed down to purple haze. For some reason, I had this excessive craving for Margarita and chicken Spring rolls since morning. And when they started off with the dinner session at the conference, I took of to good ol Purple Haze at Koramangala. I took my usual table, and asked for Margarita. I took a look at the DJ. Wrong guy. The guy I hate.

As expected, stupid song. Stupid songs. We have very few places where they play calssic rock in bangalore, and Purple Haze is one of them. Named after the classic song from Jimi Hendrix. Funny, they play jimi rarely.

Things are changing, and these days kids believe rock is all about thrash metal and death metal. They believe loud music is heavy metal. I see stupid men with long hair and throat vocals on the LCD. Its all this guy plays.

Sigh. They dont play thin lizzy. no Lynrd skynrd. No grateful dead. No Blue oyster cult. No Led Zeppelin. No Stevie ray vaughan. No Satriani. No aerosmith.

And then the guy brought in a Mojito.

Did I say Mojito?? Anyway, I took a deep sip, sipped in as much as I can, and then, called the guy and asked for my Margarita. :)

I was missing a lot of things. I was missing the kind of music they once used to play. I am badly missing my hair. I am missing a girl. I have a regular table here, but the chair on the other side was always empty.

I have no idea how much i drank. I had a walk back home, and I logged in. I rushed past the insignificant mails. I checked the blogs i read these days. I saw the thanks giving post by CD. was happy to see my name in there. I checked my blog and hated the banner. I have no idea why i chose that one. I need a new banner. I need my hair. I need new underwear. I should start wearing glasses as the doc says. I shuld stop drinking. Maybe I should drink just red wine. or may be not. May be I should sleep. May be I should talk to someone. May be I am getting crazy. May be it is the tequila. It cant be the spring roll. It cannot be the waiter.

aah.

I miss my hair. I miss shampooing it. I miss drying it out. I miss NOT mending it. I miss asking rubber bands to girls.I miss the funny look on their faces when I ask them.

Yeah. Thats me. Withe the hair. and beside me are my sisters kids. They are planning something. Beware.

Tequila makes me miss things.

Whiskey makes me fall in love.

Rum makes me philosophical.

I dont drink brandy.

Wine makes me feel healthy

Beer makes me sing.

Vodka slowed down an important muscle (Read very very important :D) of mine. I have stopped drinking vodka since then.

Gin did nothing.

I dont have money to buy champagne.

I feel i am dozhing off. I hope i hit the publlish bitton.

The night that should have been.

2010-11-23T21:57:00.001+05:30

A few stars glimmered. Faint traces of thick black clouds covered up the already faded moon light. He stood still. Staring at the different shades of black. As the day calls it, what is left, are shades of black. Below his feet stood the depths of the cliff. Below his heart stood the shadows of the past. Below his eyes stood the images of the new found meaninglessness. Below his mind, lied emptiness, not longing to be filled in.

His head refused to look up. Somehow, he felt comfortable looking down. The voices of the past did upset him. The voices of the future haunted him. And he was deaf in the present. A thousand whispers asked him to do a thousand things. A thousand hands refused to show up. A thousand eyes shut themselves. A thousand hearts refused to beat.

The cliff of unknown depth showed up, as the clouds below cleared up. All he need to do is to have another step.

And then, I woke up.

Yeah. Blame it on the TV

2010-11-21T23:54:00.002+05:30

Long long ago, once upon a time. There lived the great me and my friend.

I was lean, @ about 50 Kg, funny hair, he was not lean, not fat either, curly hair, glasses, very fair.

So It was night, about 12, and I was watching late night TV. And that was when I got his call over the land phone.

he : "We will go to black thunder now".

me: "Now??"

he : yeah

me: "Why now? we will reach there by 5, and they wont be open till 10."

he: "Yeah I know that

me: "So you are watching late night tv too. "

he: "hi hi"

me: Will go in the morning.

he: alright.

For those who dont know, Black thunder is a water amusement park @ coimbatore, which is about a 5 hour drive from my place. A couple of week back, wrt the date of the above conversation, we were there, and yes, there was a good collection of the female species in wet outfits.

So we started. Woke up early. Scared my parents. They never saw me wake up this early. I dont remember what i told them, but that was not an age when I could tell my mom I was going to an amusement park to see girls in wet outfits.

Yes. We were there at last. That was when we realised we did not take anything with us. Not even an extra pair of dress. Not even a hand kerchief.

So I bought this cheap shorts. I tried changing, and that was when it tore up, showing up a significant portion of my underwear. I dont remember How I managed that, I might have bought another one.

And we went out. We were too early, and there was no much people around. We started to climb up simple, uncomplicated rides.

And then it happened. Well. It was raining men. Not just men. Men from sabarimala. All in black. Men in black.

Scores of them. straight from pampa, to take a dip at black thunder. I thought they take a dip in the holy rivers. Most of them had not seen water since ages. Why, why today??

Damn. No a girl in sight. well yes. there is one. And she is with her husband, I guess.

We ended up at the games center, and both of us are good in spending money or stupid, useless things. We gamed our way to glory, and spending about 500 bucks, we did win something. I remember it was a tweety bird look alike bird/animal/something/, about the size of an index finger.

We changed, and we came back.

I have stopped watching late night programs since then.

The species called women.

2010-11-19T22:57:00.002+05:30

I continuously fail to understand them. I would love to hate them, but I have realized it is difficult to survive without them.

Well. Last time i cracked a joke about women drivers, the girl who sat next to me ate my ear. She hit me wherever she could. She belonged to this category called 'Feminists.' The category who I hate pretty well. The ideologies which i refuse to accept at any cost.

I find women very complicated. I dont have much issues in designing a complex circuit and writing a firmware for anything. I am sometimes good in negotiating complicated issues. But I fail to get along well with a girl. Things start well, goes for sometime, and 'ends up bad.

I was once having this very casual talk with this girl. We talked about a lot of things, and bang. I cracked a very simple, non offensive, non vulgar, joke about her domain, and there she was. She would not talk to me again that day.

And this girl. We were casual friends. We talked on phone every weekend, or twice a week, we mail once in a while, and things were fine. Then. She disappeared. She would reject my calls, and she wont reply. I still have no clue what happened.

And things went on. As life moved on, the perspective has changed. The way I looked at girls has changed. There was times when I was curious, there was an age, when i looked at them as someone from another planet. I could not understand them much. That thing has not changed a bit. I still cant understand them. I still cannot understand what offends them, what does not.

I hate them when they keep me waiting at the boutique.

I hate them when they ask me to buy them smokes.

I hate them when they cant wait.

I hate them when they play the weaker sex ploy at their discretion

I hate them, when they drive at 30kmph at the middle of the road, and will not move to the left so that i can pass.

I hate them when they cant walk at all.

well. the list goes on.

All said and done. I have to admit I cannot live without them around. I love them when they are around. I love them when they make me feel wanted. I respect them when they do things i cant. I admire them when i see them fight and make their living.

I have no clue if I feel the same as time pass by. I do not believe I will ever understand them. I dont have to, either. I just need to learn to accept people the way they are. I guess cutting down on my ego might help, but then, it is close to impossible for a hard core Arian.

PS: this is not about me hating women. I do not hate them. But i do hate the concepts of feminism. I believe women has the right to do what men do.

The Engineer Evolution

2010-11-17T11:38:00.000+05:30

I am here at this Symposium. They teach you about the (read market) new Microprocessors in the market. I had this invitation, because i have registered with them before. Since it was free and also since i love to work with microprocessors, i dropped in. And yes, the free buffet lunch.

Hundreds of engineers in different sizes and shapes have joined in. Some of them in suit, some of them in casuals, some of them with a huge pot belly, some with hair, some without any hair. i could see the IT evolution cycle.

The unsure freshers, most of them thin, and with humble looks on their face. Trying to adjust their posture to a very humble one to every 'big shot' who came in. The freshers, most of them terrified/excited by the posh ambiance, continued to press the click button at every amusing frame of image that came by. They are the innocent lot, who is about to be pushed into this mold of next generation techies.

The next lot in the mixture are the ones, a bit bigger than the freshers. They seem to be serious than the freshers, they have this firm belief that they know a lot. They refuse to smile, they refuse to mix. They will be mostly seen in conference sessions raring to ask insignificant questions. One of these guys even asked a question in a session even as the presenter has just completed his first two sentences of the session. Needless to say, he asked about oranges while the talk was about strawberry. They will be normally dressed in strict formals, they carry the smartest phones, and will be using them in an interval of about 3 minutes. Well, I saw one of them using it while he was taking a leak. No, idiot, i did not peek in. I just saw. :P

The freshers will graduate to this category, in about two years. You can notice the difference by looking at the pot belly, and the amount of fat on the face. It wont be a bit too much, but it will definitely be noticeable than the freshers. vocabulary starts to trim down.

Here comes the team leads/managers. Mustache, for most of them. Serious, yes, But, they have this look on their face which says they believe they run the place. The pot belly has graduated. So has the hairline. They can be seen dominating the stalls, strongly suggesting their products are better then yours. (Yes, the mine is bigger than yours ploy) Most of them are married by now, and you can see that right on their face. So you can see this 'I am the boss' attitude tuned down a bit less , possibly due to the fairer sex at home. They are half way down the mold.

The top bosses. They can be seen in a suit. They cannot look to th right or to the left, or down. They have a selected set of vocabulary. 'leverage', 'scalability', 'driven', 'figures', 'quarter' etc are the most common and only words they use. They are You will see them using their phones only once or twice, but you neither see them long enough.

Well. Misfit, i was.

I represent my small single man consultancy, I continuously fail to understand the corporate way of putting things. I have never worked under anyone. I do small things to make my living. I work when i feel like working. I had refused to go down the mold. That way, I refused a fair share of money I could have easily made. On a rethink, I know I would have never been happy that way. I refuse to make what they recommend. I refuse to live most of my life in a office. I ended up with my own ways, my own vocabulary, and my own vision of life. Neither of them are great. But I still have mine with me.

The price for a free mind, is real expensive. And as years go by, the price is shooting up.

The wishlist.

2010-11-14T19:03:00.000+05:30

I realised I do have a wishlist/bucket list buried deep inside me. (courtesy the movie in that name)I dug in, and here it is.

1) Antartica. I need to be there.
2) Learn to use a parachute.
3) Inter - National Drive in my car.
4) Around the world in a hot air balloon.
5) Go under sea in a submarine.
6) Take PPL
7) Design my own satellite
8) Win at any International robotic games. (My previous attempts failed miserably :D)
9) Visit at least 40 countries.
10) Live ONE day, without any issues bugging my mind.

Well. I need to find a very rich girl to get married to.
As to why she should marry me, is another question.

::

All in the name of being a human

2010-11-13T23:08:00.001+05:30

::

Every lines bearing the thoughts
of a women being alone
see the never love kiss
dark shades of the loyal

can the memory fade
will i ever feel the warmth
of the no where love creeping
no where lust of desire

can I live my life
just holding on to my soul
my heart to soul,
my life to dream
just in the name of being.

Aah. Dates.

2010-11-11T20:45:00.000+05:30

::
I got hell lot of work to do. And thats the only time when i love the breaks.
Thats when rediff comes out with another stupid thing, an article on how to impress your date.
Interesting. They should have written this many years back.
http://www.rediff.com/getahead/slide-show/slide-show-1-specials-tips-for-a-first-date/20101111.htm

Well. Been a long time since I took someone for a date, and I do not think I even want to take one these days. But looking at it. I guess would normally do what the writer ask you not to.

I shall call the writer DE (Date expert)

1) Right venue!! DE says not to go to a pub or a bar.
Well. I just cannot think of any place other than the above two. Restaurant? No way.

2) Making the right conversation. Damn.
There is a huge list as to what not to talk. Seems like I will have to print this in small size and then refer it every time I start the conversation. Or may be I should learn how to use those fancy mobile phones I hate like anything. I guess they will surely have these features to filter things.

3) Dress appropriately. Double damn.
I am normally seen in this t shirt, never ironed, and in my shorts, or in my jeans. I am sometimes seen in my running shoes, or mostly in my bathroom slippers. I wear them to hotels, I wear them at my office (Me being boss- no one dare ask a question :D) and I wear them when somebody drops in for an interview. I wear them when I go for long drives, I wear them when I go for parties. Well. I cannot dress different for a girl. No way.

4) Manners. oh.
Well. I remember my first date when I ate up almost twice as the girl ate. Well. I am a known glutton. I normally do not scratch my butt or poke a finger in my nose when someone is around. But. I do dart for the last chicken wing. I believe in eating up everything.

5) Dont try too hard. The DE says do not exaggerate.
I have no idea if I do. Sometimes I do, I guess. But these days, its quite the opposite. I keep pushing myself low.

6) Dont be too Judgmental, says the DE.
Well. I will have to. I do not mind a date being messed up for many reasons. But I cannot accept lies. I cannot accept a girl trying to be someone she is not. I hate the girls who says 'achooda' and 'chweet' and is all Bollywood. I would love it if the girl can be on her own, do her things and can survive alone.

7) Similar to point 6.

8) Dont bring up the ex.
I will not. But if the girl asks, I will. But unfortunately I dont have much to tell much against her, as I was the reason why it broke up. :D

9) The DE asks me to read the signals, as if things are going fine.
I wished I have that ability. As to know if the girl is interested. Only if it was as easy as reading voltage in a meter. All you have to do is to plug in two wires on either of her ears/forehead and the digital display will show the percentage. ! Well. I guess I will settle down for the handshake. No. Not the handshake. But not the kiss. May be a hug. Yes. Hug is better. Or may be if the signal is too weak, I shall wave the hand.

10) Follow up.
Well. I never do. I wait for the girl to put the first step.

Just As I believe. Dates are too complicated. I am better in making robots and sky watching with telescopes and in driving the car. Good ol car. Here I come. We got a long way to go.
::

That One ride.

2010-11-08T12:11:00.000+05:30

I badly, badly want to travel.

Yes, I am getting old. I cannot hitch hike the way I used to. I used to take the first train, take a full ticket and get down where ever I felt like. I used to walk, I used to sleep at the railway platforms. I loved them better than a ride in the cab. I could feel the people, I could feel the soul.

Am sick these days and I dont think i can be that adventurous as I used to. But I have made up my mind. I am taking the good ol Maruti 800 on this trip. All India trip. I have charted the route. that sums up to about 15,000 Km and touching almost all states except some of them in the east. I badly want to make it to Arunachal, but my friend in the Army at Assam Rifles say common people take the chopper normally as the roads are, a bit non existent.

15,000 Km means a month. well. A MONTH.

I guess I have to take this trip at any cost. Should get back the fire I have long lost. C'mon dumpo, you are not that old as you think you are. Like they say, you are just 18 with 12 years of experience !! :D:D

GRR.

2010-11-07T23:40:00.000+05:30

::

Yes.
It is true. I am drunk.
it been some time since i was drunk. This drunk.
When i say I am drunk, it either means I cannot drive fast, or that I have taken more than a liter of whiskey or vodka or martini or rum, or the simple fact that i will not have an erection right now even if the best of the beauties come in naked, or that i am completely out of my senses that i will want to delete what i have written in my blogs the morning after now.

Sadly, i never edit my blogs except for silly spelling or grammar mistakes. I simply write them straight into the blog text box, irrespective of the toxins that transverse my brain.

I badly wanted to write something when left the bar. I reached home less intoxicated, thanks to the wind and the fruit juice.

I just wanted to say some thing to some people who has been important in my life. and some who has been comparatively less important. Being a male with a huge ego, i normally refuse to acknowledge man things i know i should.

To my real sis. If she is reading this.

I know it took 29 years to understand you. I have no idea how to behave like a normal bro, because i have never did that in my life, even though we shared the same house for more than 23 years. But just because i dont know how to behave doesnt mean I do not have the feeling. I will be there.

To Sh
I wished things were different between us. Things has been good while it was. Me and you cannot delete the past. things have to move on.

To A.U.
I will keep the promise when i can make it. And i really meant every word I said at the chat today. Thanks a lot for being there for no reason at all.

To R.K
I have no idea what to tell you now. Its all up to you. You are matured and CAN take decisions. I will be with you whatever decision you take. Just try to enjoy your work.

To DRCIVI
Always treasured the friendship. Dont have to say anything much. both of us know better. Its been 24 years now. In fact I know you better than I know my parents.

To SON.
Carry on. proud of you for what you are. Go on and make your mark.

To the sweet little thing
All I wish is you regain your individuality. You are much better an individual than you think you really are.

To Naughty kutty.
Never meant to be harsh like that. Have been harsh. And I know that. sadly, as you know me very well, i have been very insensitive at times.

To Ronin
Enjoyed the times with you man. You have been one guy i liked to be with, right from post college times. And enjoyed the ride at the ghats. You rock.

::

Cant be more sicker

2010-11-04T08:44:00.001+05:30

::
Went to an ENT and discovered I have asthma, Went to a Skin specialist for my Hair fall, went to a physician and discovered my liver is getting fat, went to a Urologist and discovered I have a UTI, went to an Eye specialist and she discovered my right eye have a reduced eye sight and that I have an inflamed sinus, and visited an Ortho for my back pain.

All in the last two months.

What is left, is the heart and the brain. Things are getting very very unlikely me.
::

Back.

2010-11-03T17:33:00.000+05:30

::
This is the third time I did not keep my word.(I told the world that i have stopped blogging)
And it is also true that who ever I told it to, did not take it seriously.
::

The resignation letter.

2010-10-19T03:02:00.003+05:30

::

white, light, fades away
on this bright, white, paper stripe
which spells, dark, lines in gray
and points, far, far away

and then it flies, down, down the hill
and then it sinks, sinks, in to the lake
and it spreads, thick lines of ink
and it flows, down, down the will

and the sun, dries, the lines of hopes
once penned, downed, with firm strokes
and once held, close in to the palm
and once read, heart, a hundred times

and then it slips, down, in to the grass,
and then it went, away, carried away,
like the thin, clean, air of smoke
from an old, tint, tobacco pipe

then the blurred, spread, shades of blue
said in calm, cold, shades of rust
the tale, of, the faded lines
which signed, off, off the life..

::

Pointless

2010-10-18T23:26:00.000+05:30

::

I cannot expect the acetyl Choline in the brain of the person standing a kilometer or less or more, to move to a synapse I chose, from a million combinations available for it to travel.

::

These days.

2010-10-18T12:50:00.003+05:30

!!!...???....???

( could not find better words to describe these days. )

Survival

2010-10-18T12:40:00.001+05:30

::

Why is it that we feel like doing nothing at all mostly when we have to do a lot of things for our survival?

::

The great Indian Moral Brigade.

2010-10-14T02:50:00.000+05:30

People want to preserve the Indian culture.

In fact, lots of people want to.

I remember the saffron brigade. They harassed a brother and a sister, and forced them to marry each other on feb 14. Well.. the reason? They were seen together on that particular day. I dont think even Saint Valentine would have seen that day with that importance. So important that no matter what, the glass windows of Archies gallery will be normally broken on that day.

Makes me feel. Is the Indian culture limited to girls and boys NOT seeing each other? The recent developments looks like Indian culture is all about chastity. Feels like Indian culture is about girls and boys of teen age or higher or lower not meeting each other. Feels like its all about NOT having a drink together.

I saw the opening ceremony of the commonwealth games. I watched with awe, the "Bharath Darshan" by Indian railway. I saw the colour of India. I saw the soul, I saw the life of India. I saw what they used to mean by Unity in diversity. I heard the drums pound. I loved every bit of the common India. That was the same India I used to love when I used to travel all over India some time back. That was the India I used to see. The only act I could not tolerate was the hopeless performance of A R Rahman. His act did not have any element of India. The music had distorted guitar, and background dance with hopeless costumes and choreography which did not have any remote resemblance with anything of Indian origin.

Then, yesterday, I saw the Karnataka Parliament. led by the same saffron Brigade. Trying to get through the non confidence motion. I see the games people play to stay in power. I see the moral Brigade. In action.

What has happened to the people? Is it that every generation is giving birth to more kids who are blind? Why is it that we have more of these kind of people in power with every year that dies by?

And, all we are bothered, is if girls and boys are having any Intimate relationships. If they exchange cards on feb 14. If they show bared breasts of a lady in TV. Indian culture is being reduced to hiding body parts, and restricting boys and girls from interacting with each other.

What ever happened to the Indian culture of tolerance? Whatever happened to the Indian culture of Love? Will the saffron brigade and the moral police ever look forward to grab the guys who steal millions of the taxpayers money?

NASA, the oldest pub in Bangalore is closed. Thanks to the moral police who wants every pub to be closed by 11.30. It is as if pubs are the only threat to the public.

And thanks to the moral brigade, Indian men are the most perverted, they sport an erection every time a lady walks the road with a small portion of her cleavage in display, and then they ask the lady to dress well. And then they ask them to wear the traditional saree and stare at the small piece of belly button. They comment at every lady who are bold enough to break the rules.

Sometimes, its like a man eating a full meal after being starved for about a month.

The solution, is all about not letting the man starve.

Its all about respect to each other.

::

PS: I am NOT biased to any political party. I hate this aspect of the saffron brigade, and that does not mean in any way I endorse any other political party. I an not a supporter of the congress party, nor the left nor any other party. I just expressed my difference of view in some aspects. No offence Intended.

MORE.

2010-10-09T00:15:00.000+05:30

::

For unhappiness comes ONLY when you dont get MORE of happiness.

::

Soulmate - VI

2010-10-08T23:51:00.000+05:30

::

I, see, the hazy light
I, see, the obscure night

I, feel, the quiet wave
I, feel, the tranquil soul

I, touch, the cold, skin
I, touch, the darkest sin

I, hear, the unknown, sound
I, hear, the time, unwound

I, feel, the warm, drops
Of, my, soul mate, untied

I, reach, to the silhouette
I, run, fingers, untrained

I, search, the coldest night
For my soul,
for my mate.

::

Gone.

2010-10-05T07:47:00.000+05:30

::

Sreejith is gone.
We can discuss and write all the good things he was. But that will never get him back.
may his soul rest in peace.

::

Praying for the end of the world.

2010-10-04T22:59:00.002+05:30

::

Is it because I hate the present state of affairs, or is it that I am basically a sadist?

::

GODs and The Ayodhya verdict.

2010-10-02T11:25:00.003+05:30

::

Reports from the heaven says high tension upon the Ayodhya verdict.
Rumours are that both RAM and the PROPHET are planning to appeal in the SCH.
(Supreme court of the Heavens).

::

::And in case if they are not doing anything at all, why should we do something at all, in earth?::

FYI

2010-10-01T22:04:00.002+05:30

::

I might not talk sensible.
Drunk or not.
Talking sensible never made me rich.
::

Surprisingly stupid.

2010-09-30T23:38:00.001+05:30

Human beings are proud. When I was a kid, I was taught in smaller classes that human beings are a superior species compared to other forms of life. The teacher would ask the question, and keep the answer in suspense. Then she would say - "Humans have a power to think, and to reason" !! We are intelligent!!

Today morning, as I switch the channels in the good old idiot box, I saw this long bearded guy , dressed as a saint, advocating the use of some ring to bring in money to your home. I see politicians saying "I didnt say it," the very next day he said 'It." And he wins the next election. I saw people eagerly waiting for a court verdict over some building constructed five centuries before. I see people honking at a red signal in traffic, assuming the honking will turn the light green. I see people reading 'How to be successful' books.

We are intelligent enough to write rules for living, we are intelligent enough to break it. We are intelligent enough to invent money, so are we intelligent enough to steal money. We are intelligent enough to invent marriage, and we are equally intelligent to invent divorce.

Why invent these things at all, if it is necessary that we have to invent its complement?

We are not intelligent at all, to see the bigger picture called the world. As we lay on this cold floor, we put the floor in the microscope, look at the little organisms and pity them. No one looks at the door where we are locked in.

No matter what I write, No matter where I live, No matter my bank statement, no matter how much Martini I drink, I will still look at this world and worry about the future and life. So will you.

No living being in this earth was ever born this stupid.

Silence of the soul.

2010-09-30T23:12:00.002+05:30

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Silence helps.
(others)

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:P

2010-09-30T10:45:00.000+05:30

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May be I should learn basic anesthetics.
I might make a fortune in hell.

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The greedy Happiness.

2010-09-26T22:06:00.003+05:30

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With happiness comes greed to have more of it.

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Stupid lessons.

2010-09-25T22:35:00.002+05:30

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I do not believe in learning lessons from life.
We dont have an exam to pass, before we die.

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Business as Usual.

2010-09-25T00:49:00.001+05:30

With every day, my brain seems to be more disconnected and disoriented. I tend to forget my name, I tend to forget where I am driving to. I am having realistic dreams, in which i can smell the sweat and feel the heat of the burning fire. I have dreams in which i can feel every senses. The images seem to be more clear, and the emotions seem to be more connected than ever. It is like somebody switched my thoughts with my dreams. It is like i prefer to dream than to live. A dream where I can wake up and be relieved. A dream where I can be killed a hundred times. A dream where I will ride the red boat of my choice through brown bricks on a bright night. I dream where I will not see the half naked angels. A dream which can never be true. I cannot soak myself into the whiskey as I used to. Is it that not drinking is making me into a hallucinated being, or is it that I am getting out of my hallucinated wonderland, which i never knew I got into? Is it that I am getting normal like everyone else, worried about the future and the danger in not planning my life by getting married and having the kid at the right time so that I can get my girl child married twenty three years later exactly when I will be retired and my wife will still have an income to run my hospital expenses which I will have to bear? Or is it that I am marching myself with glory into the well known sanitarium i always wished I was in? Where I can live my dream and dream my life without regret or pain or the fear of the future. Or is it that I am just enslaved to the fear of the unknown? I guess I know. I always write my first lines right. May be I should stop after that.

And that was, without one drop of whiskey. (Or wine or rum, or any other spirit that you suspect i might have taken. )

blah blah blah

2010-09-25T00:35:00.001+05:30

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Sometimes you just cant hold on.
The very buoy that you have been holding on to tend to slip.
And you forget you know to swim.

Some people call it LOVE.
I dont call it anything.
I just dont even want to look at it.

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The power to sin

2010-09-18T02:39:00.001+05:30

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May be, GOD gave us the power to sin, to solve the unemployment issues in hell.

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(Why else, anyway?)

Thy masters voice.

2010-09-18T02:17:00.003+05:30

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darker than the clouds on a moonless night
shall the days come

when the night shall end, shall i see your face
hidden under the hood of the dark
and felt by my numb skin

you can strip down these pillars of sin
that holds this house of your living
and expect the dark to depart
and the clouds to shine

Thy master will come, shall dub thee sinner,
for a thousand times has he whispered to you
to desire is to sin
for a thousand times has he whispered to you
your thoughts are thy sin
for a thousand times has he whispered to you
to run away is to sin

And in your death , you walk alone
so shall the deaf , who walked his thoughts.
so shall the voice, who never spoke a thing.

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