Desire, hope and death

I think I like rum. Better than whisk(e)y or anything else. Whiskey tastes good on its own, but rum has always made me think. Set my brains running. Drove my desires to a confidence level that hope was irrelevant. 

I can feel this significant change in the tone of my writing. I don't like it yet.  The brain would have shrunk since. It feels like a tightly packed suitcase. But the major change is, I thrive on hope. No desire, no drive, but hope that someone or something will change. 

When you live on hope, you fear death. 

Back.

Alright.

Its been long. Thats fine.

There has been changes. Lots of them.

And what I really need is to get back where I left. At least mentally.

I am trying to. But I dont remember the person I used to be. But I did realize a lot about myself. The inner wirings of my brain, which was never exposed to before, was put under test. Obviously, I did not do well in the test. There is this scary realisation, that I cannot do things I thought I could. I am just not wired for it. 

Things have been really bad for the last two years. No one to blame, neither do I have to take the blame I guess. I just slowly need to take one thing at a time and fix it. Which is normally quite difficult when there are lots of things to fix. 

I doubt I will come out of this the way I want to come out. But in the end, it is the attitude I chose for myself. I will have to learn to live with it. 

I am really, not particularly furious at any one. Even me. Looking back, it is one of those tests which I failed. Failed to execute well. It was stupid of me to even take the test when I was not prepared. 

But yes, I made it to this blog at least. That, I guess, is a good step. 

Real.

::

I wish and hope and dream that nothing is for real. even though I think and believe nothing is for real. There is this thin hope that makes me feel good every time I am scared of living. The hope that nothing is real. The hope that it is ok to be in debt. That it is ok to live in a rented apartment. That it is ok not to have a vehicle in your own name. That it is fine to be single all your life.

It is the reality that I am scared of. Real snakes. Real spiders. Real money. Real wife. Real girlfriend. Real love. After the countless dreams where i screw up in life big time, i wake up to a relief that nothing never happened.

For an insane person, nothing is never real. It is fine to screw up. unless you wake up to the reality.

To wake up an insane person is the cruelest thing you can ever do to him. Denying his un real world. denying his dreams. To wake him up just to tell him he was wrong all the way. OUR wrong.

It is fine to be insane. Its just that i wake up once in a while to realise how screwed up I am.

Dont wake me up.

::

35

::

When I was in my teens, I always used to wonder what I will be doing when I am 35.
Now I am 35, and I still wonder.

WTF am I doing these days?

::

Answers without questions.

::

So far, this year saw no posts at all from me. It means two things:

1. I am not as deranged as i used to be.
2. I am drinking less. 
3. I do not get frustrated anymore without 'right' human company

All of the above are true. My deranged mind have reached saturation, and there is no visible difference in the growth of insanity. And I am drinking less. From 8 large a day everyday, it is more of 2 large a day on a monthly average apart from occasional binge. And I do not need much of human company anymore. I am at peace with myself. 

Someone someday talked about Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll. 

It never made sense to me at one point of time. And now it gives me new meanings. I ran around the beach naked a week back. With a free mind. Nothing mattered at that point. It was just the open night sky with lightening and thunder, a sea that roared, an equally crazy friend who spoke her amazing dreams and a bottle of port wine. It was not sex drugs and rock n roll in its literal sense, but it had all the meaning of it. 

I need more of those days. I was never in search of any meanings of life, but i am slowly getting answers without even asking questions. 

::

So called family values in India.

::

Many of my friends, mostly girls have been sexually abused by immediate relatives, at their childhood.
Well, MANY - Counting, 8 of ten friends i know has been abused between the age of 2 and 13.

I see LOT of extra marital affairs, at least five in 10 couple i know.

So much for the high moral and family values we boast of, in India.

::

Back.

::

I am back. I guess i have to start writing in here again. I gave it a try. I re opened my facebook account, added people, and started writing on the wall. Every time i think of something, i write there. People can 'like' there. Can comment. easy for them. So i post something and then wait for people to 'like' it. For people to comment on it.

Its been about 8 months now i guess. I started groups, joined groups. Added friends. Joined discussions. I wanted to see what the fuck, is the great thing called facebook. I did not judge it in the first month, the second month. I waited and waited to see how involved i will get.

Involved i did get. I started loggin in daily. I started to spend at least 15 minutes a day, at times upto an hour. Reading what people wrote. Watching photographs of people. Sneaking into the photographs of beautiful girls.

In the end, i know what i missed. This old space. The one place i portray myself in raw. This one place which gave me the courage to get naked to the world.

It was never about the likes and the comments. it was about a mirror. A mirror which never lies.

My seventh year of blogging. Looks like this is the only long term relationship i will have.

::

As usual.

::

As usual, life keeps changing. Without warning.

I am a part time DJ now. I work in two pubs, quite known for Rock music in Bangalore. I was happy, when i started it off, i am still happy as i get payed to play my music. And a free beer and food. This was unexpected, as i was a regular customer there, and got this chance by mere chance.

As usual, i am screwing up relationships. May be i am with the wrong people. Or may be I was the wrong person. I guess i will keep meeting new people, and keep screwing it up.

I have no clue what my health is like. I know it is bad, and getting worse. I am too scared to do a check up.

I have asked someone else to manage my finances. Looks like this was one of the best decision i made in a long time.

I got kicked out of a "Freethinking "facebook group. For my comments about feminism. Looks like feminists are highly intolerant, that they cannot see eye to eye with anyone not agreeing with feminism. I still dont know what feminism is, as ever other feminist i meet have a different definition for it. Happy that i am out of a group who calls themselves free thinkers and are highly influenced by ideologies. Sad because i thought i will have a like minded social circle in Bangalore, but it went off even before it started.

I need to let go certain close people in my life. I am trying, and i think i will be able to do it in some time.

Need to go back to the good old isolated days. Have to let go the things i think is most precious for me.

I will be free then.

::

Pain.

::

Pain can be a dangerous addiction.

::

The birth of Smoky Jo.

::

And it is already June. Before i knew it. I added another digit in my age a couple of months back. And a lot of tar in my lungs and alcohol in my blood. What was not there, was weed. Not that i could not get it, i did not want it. 

I have a new part time job now. I am the DJ at a pub here, well known for classic rock. Playing on Mondays and Tuesdays. Needless to say, i enjoy the work. My alcohol has gone down, and my smoking has gone up. the seasonal high. I also have lost weight. And i did cut my hair. Well, shaved my hair off. Completely. 

I am screwed up, in many ways. Nothing new. Well, one thing gets replaced by another. 

I am getting disconnected. From the things people call life. I am getting more connected to the things people dont call life. If somebody understood what i am talking about, i want to talk to you. 

I can see how different i have become. Past the transition phase, from the old me to the new me, i can see significant features in me which will shape my next few years. For now, I am Smoky Jo. The one which i never planned to be, but the one which i have become. 

I am not worried about the insane things i might do. I am only worried about the sane things i might do. 

Let me see how it goes. 

::

The block.

::

Writers Block.


Alcoholics block.

::

The habitat

::

This looks like a long one.

I was always fascinated with the way brain works. Not just human brain, any brain. Even the freaking ant has more brain power than most of the machines ever built. Then, as a result of some stupid change in the DNA structure at some point of time, human beings evolved, over millions of years. They invented tools, metals, chemicals and machines. They learned to fly things, made bombs and made artificial rain. They even made artificial species of plants and animals. They made a sheep without a father. And then, the ultimate: they even made God. No species in the entire universe would have created/given birth to his own father. Well, all in the name of making the world a better place. No wonder i was too curious about the brain. Ultimately the brain does it all.

Most of my life, i loved fame and attention. I dont want fame these days, because it will be difficult to take part in the immoral activities i so enjoy doing now. But then, the childhood dream of being known as a great scientist made me oriented towards science and over the period of time science became a passion, rather than a tool to attain fame. As a result of my inability to accept any kind of argument originating from anyone else but mine, i ended up putting myself in lot of deep s***, which anyways i continue to do till date. Sadness, Jealousy, anger, frustration, ego, and a long list of them kept recurring. All originating from the stupid old grey matter. Since the brain does not appreciate these feelings, I sought of finding how these things come into the brain in the first place, and if possible, how to put a stop to these things.

Some how, i managed to understand brain in a good way. It took years, but i did come up with a self satisfying model, where i could understand how it works from a higher level, and to a very small extent, at a micro level. The understanding is more at a higher level defining how brain learns, how living beings might have started to evolve. The most important, exciting and at the same time depressing, understanding was on how life might have originated. I refused to look into the journals or textbooks involving neurons and brain, so that the thoughts dont get influenced. It helped, in coming up why emotions come in, why we become sad, why we become happy, and why we become angry, and so on.

To put everything in a nutshell, we will have to blame it all on evolution. The emotions are obviously, the creation of evolution, and the basic emotion of happiness and sadness are essential because, without which, the species of Homosapiens Sapiens would have been extinct long time back. This again, made me depressed for a long time, as the understanding that our 'achievements' or 'success' as we call it, are not ours,  and the results of your hard work is not yours. Equally, your failures are not yours, and your mistakes are not mistakes.

On a larger note, if a drop of rain falls from the cloud, we would not call it the mistake of the drop of rain. It fell because it has to, following the laws of nature. We blaming a killer is as equal as the other raindrops blaming the fallen raindrop. Was it right? wrong? immoral? illegal?

The other scariest understanding was the realisation that human beings should be on the verge of extinction. Not because of the nuclear bombs or global warming, but because of the life stlye skipping a million years. Removing the scientific side of my model, let me put it in simple words: Evolution spans generations, and the features of the human body gets transmitted to the next generation through the sperm and the egg. Looking back, technology and life stlye have changed comparatively slowly, spanning centuries, making the next generation fit into the environment. The development and the changes in the last century, was scarily fast - Electromagnetic waves filled our airspace in a couple of decades. Our finger movements has to adapt from the typewriter to a computer keyboard, to a touch screen monitor, all in one generation. The food we eat changed to processed food, carbonated water, and the so called junk food. Then, the genetically modified food. All in one generation. The habitat changed and the air we breath is considerably different from the mid twentieth century. We eat apples that cannot rot. The legs that walked kilometers do not walk that much now, it instead drives the accelerator pedal. The skin that was designed to take the heat and cold of the region now feels the cool conditioned air. We have a million types of chemicals disguising as medicines. Our body, which evolved to be fit for an eighteenth century environment now feels radiation and chemicals exhausts. The eyes, adapted to the colours and the sunlight of the region now strains itself on computer screens and tablet screens. This explains the necessity of millions of drugs available in the medical store, which also came in the last couple of centuries.

All in the name of making the world a better place to live in, isnt it?

Emotions has to change as body conditions change, as the brain gets nourished with the food we eat. The brain patterns get confused when it receives unfamiliar patters from the 5 known senses. The brain, whose basic learning of involuntary actions are perfect for the last decade of centuries, behaves erratically, and will, or should lead to unexpected results. We can see that in the reduced level of immunity to diseases, as the environment is different from what the brain knows.

Science will advance again. At a more scary rate. So will the emotions we have, we will be subject to changes which would have been ideal if slow.

We need to slow down. No one wants a premature ejaculation. Sadly, no one thinks of it when they do it fast.

We will not be able to protect the habitat we live in. Because we all, all over the world have the same set of genes, who wants to do it fast, no matter how hard we know it and try. Just like dinosaurs, We will be extinct soon, may be in less than a thousand years.

I was not very sure if i should share the model of brain to people, as it is still an understanding, which have to be proven by scientific methods. It is still a draft, which need to be validated in the chemical level.  But then, i had a chat with a very good friend of mine regarding the model explaining emotions. She suggested i share it with people, explaining it without much of scientific terminologies. So i will be putting it up in a separate blog, here. For once, i would want this to be a private blog, open only to people who is interested in it, so it is open to invited readers, here. If you would like to read it, i will be happy to invite you, whoever you are,  please send me your gmail ID to my email ID given in my profile, or do post a comment in this post.

::

Conversations. again.

::

~~ Can the light bear the colour black?
>> It cant.
~~ And why is that?
>> Colours are made by light. Absence of light is black. So you cannot have light and still have the colour black.

~~ And you want me to change so that i be a better man, and you want me to be myself?

::   

Chaos

::

The chaos in the world is mostly due to human beings trying hard to make the world a better place.
- In a way each and every one want it to be.

::

Direction.

::

"So, it is like you put someone in a desert, with limited water, food and some entertainment - like a hand held video game. There are no roads. There is no direction. you cannot decide to take a right or a left, as there are no references to direction. You can opt to walk one way, assuming it would lead somewhere, you can rest for some time, entertain yourself, explore, but the fact that your food and water is limited will make you walk. To seek a place you can get more."

The words came out from no where. But it answered my own question. I might have unknowingly chosen the unexplored desert to a ride in a car in a known highway. 

All the best moments of my life, i had it alone. But then, i wanted to show the perfect red sun to someone. I wanted someone to be with me when i walked the thickest of the forests. when i drove at midnight in rain. But it was too much to ask someone to walk with me in the desert, it was difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things i am seeking. 

Things change, and unexpected things happen as usual. I woke up in the morning with droopy eyes, as i slept for hardly 2 hours. As i walked down the stairway, as i walked out into the alley, to the place where i work, something was clear in my mind. I know which way to walk to. At least for now, i know i would be walking. Not resting to enjoy the game, i would be walking, i would be beating the sun. 

Until i reach the shiny sparkling sphere i see in a distance. I dont know what it would look like when i am close to it. I might have walked for nothing. I know it takes a long time to reach there. Let it be. 

At least for some time, till i get bored, i have a direction. 

::

The damned yellow flag.

::

I was happy i am back to my hometown for the weekend. The salty breeze of the beach. Cutlets at french bakery. Pattiri from Zains. Nothing worked out. The beach was so crowded with yellow flags, and crazy people who follow the yellow flag.

I wondered. If Sree Narayana Guru came to know about this, he would be beating the shit out of the people who lead this group. In his name.

He worked for one caste, one religion and one god, and the idiots who uses his name wants the betterment of their own caste.

Assholes.

::

Male-ism.

::

I dont like that word, but could not get a better word either. I would not call it opposite of feminism either. 

So this post was partially inspired by this post from a good friend of mine. 

I see a lot of outrage when it comes to crime towards women. As i browse the newspapers and social media, stories about all sort of crimes towards women comes up. Appeal to treat women equal to men, in all aspects of life are echoed everywhere. 

Alright. So, are you saying women are treated not like man??

Very true.

So are you saying women should be treated like men?

I seriously wish it where. Seriously. 

Let me come to some real life situations. 

Situation 1:

A man whistles as a girl pass by.

Current Scenario: The girl slaps back. Every one comes to the girls rescue. Case can be charged against the man. 

A girl whistles as a man pass by.

Current Scenario: If the guy slaps back, he ends up with police.

What feminists are asking for :

If a guy slaps back, everyone should come to his rescue. Case should be charged against the girl. Since there is no law which will come to rescue of the guy in this scenario, new rules should be made to protect the modesty of the male species. 

Situation 2 (which happened to me):

A girl sits next to me in an overnight bus to my home town. Later, as she fixes her dress as she went to sleep, her elbow brushed below my abdomen, very close to my penis, twice, accidentally. 

Current Scenario: The man feels either horny, or uncomfortable. He tries to touch her back, or feel uncomfortable, but keep quiet. 

What feminists are asking for:

If it happens to a girl, she should feel  horny and try to touch the guy back. Or feel uncomfortable and keep quiet. 

She should not Scream shout, scratch back, kick the balls. Even if it was on purpose. 

[And i am not telling you if i were horny or if i felt uncomfortable :P Well, i was scared, that was the fact.]

I can go on with a hundred situations where guys are not treated equally by women, and by the society. While there are girls who suffer, there are lots of girls who enjoy a lot of privileges as a women. If women needs receive the same treatment as guys, they should behave like guys !! For goodness sake, all you feminists out there, stop comparing yourself with guys. You cannot, you are different in physique and mind. You are constructed differently. You cannot be equal, but you are no lesser either. So are men. 

And when it comes to crime, have you noticed that there are a lot of guys who gets beaten up, get killed on the roads, get robbed?

Crime and criminal minds are not motivated by the gender. Crimes are committed by people who have disrespect to another person, because that was the way they where brought up. He finds it okay to beat up a guy. He finds it okay to rob, he finds it okay to rape. It has nothing to do with gender. He who rapes a girl have done bad to guys too. So, guys dont deserve fair treatment??

We cannot selectively disable rapes. If rapes has to go away, people should have respect to others as a human being. In that way, crime, in general will go down. There is no place in the world, which have a low rape rate, but a high robbery rate. So let us not concentrate on rape, concentrate on mutual respect and better values. 

So if some girl want to walk down the road freely at night alone, in whatever dress she would want to wear, i would join the cause. Because, that will also mean, that I, as a guy will be able to walk alone at night, in a metro city with a large floating population flaunting an expensive mobile phone, gold chain, wrist watch, and still not get assaulted. 

But, if you, as a girl are just worried about you[being a girl] not getting raped or judged if you smoke or drink, I am not with you, as you, as a feminist, do not display respect to the male species. Because, me, have always given consideration to human beings irrespective of their gender. I will be with you, if you want to have same privileges as men, but only if you will, in real life, shed all privileges you enjoy as a woman. 

So, please keep quiet when someone stares at your boobs, please dont get offended by that act, as guys would do nothing if a girls will do that to them.  

You can call me a male chauvinist if you judge me like that with whatever i have written here. If  my views fit well into that word, i am one, i guess. And if you, as a girl, cant accept it, i think the feeling is mutual.

::

Being Content.

::

The childhood dream was to be famous. Who does not want to be famous? It is a good feeling to be known by people, people follow you, people love you. People admire you, they name their sons after you. You receive fan mails, you receive kisses, and if you are a rock star or a sportsman, you get laid pretty easily. You have money, you get things done easily with just a phone call. Amazing life. well, every mans dream. Things changed as i grew up. I do a lot of things i might not be able to do if i am famous. well.. all dirty stuff. It is better to be unknown, an noticed. 

So the other day, i was walking to the regular coffee - cigarette shop. I was in an indifferent mood, pondering about things that is happening in my life right now. In general, people who closely know me knows me as a sad person. May be because i crib a lot to them. I had years of tough times, trying out ways of life and understanding things which really went bad. And when it went bad, i became depressed. And then i would try a new thing which will again go wrong. More depression. The cycle continues, but things gradually became better, over the years. 

So i thought. what if i can go back to the past and change things? What would i change??

May be write my exams well?? May be correct every bad things i did? there are a hundred things i can think of. But then, if i had corrected them, what would i be now?

I dont know. What i am right now is a completely free man with no dreams at all. The other day my friend said - that it is impossible for a man to live without a dream. I differed. I dont have any dreams i live for. I dont have anything i live for, at this point of time. There are things i would like to do. But I am not working towards it. I am just going along the flow, taking things as it comes. In the process, i make some people happy, some sad. I dont follow any rules or principles. I just live. 

I feel content. 

I dont want to go back and change a single thing. 

I feel content, i feel i am living life the way i want to live. I know this is what i wanted deep inside, as a kid. I am fine to die tomorrow, i would die without any regrets. 

I might be generally sad and depressed, but i am content. Fucking, why did not i realize this before??

I dont think i can ask for more in my life. 

::

Conversations.

::

~~ So, How does it help?
>> It helps you to communicate better and keep in touch with your friends.
~~ So, Cant i just use the SMS?
>> You can, but it is still better.
~~ I dont think so.
>> Why dont you install and see?
~~ I have a basic phone, with the  black and white screen
>> Man, you are living in pre historic times.

.
.
.

>> I hate this guy, this guy is bugging me with messages.
~~ He is just communicating better, and just keeping in touch with you.
>> I can block him.
~~ Yes you can. You can keep updating the world what happens in your life minute by minute, keep in touch with your dear ones miles apart, share, block, find new friends, expand the social circle, and live in a virtual world assuming the virtual world to be better, while you dont realise you will be losing the good friend or a partner who is sitting across your table in an arm distance. What you will get are words on the display, or likes from the people who tries to impress you, making you fall into the mysterious unknown, while you refuse to accept the human in flesh and bones who will carry his true emotion in voice, gestures, touch and the simple look from his eyes.
>> Oops, can you come again? i missed what you said. I was just sending a message in that app.

::

This and that.

::

I am short of  topics. And as i look back at the blog history, i can see the number of posts coming down. As per the theory of depression, the number of posts will be directly proportional to the level of depression you are in. Partially true, may be. Because writing was never my piece of cake, and when i am feeling well, i have better things to do. 

Since i dont have a topic to write, i should be writing what is happening these days. 

1) I am shifting. To a small 1BHK,  but bigger than the current place. 

As i opened my bedroom window for the first time, what welcomed me was a couple of pink and red panties and some t shirt bras, hanged to dry bout 2 inches from my window sill. So, my window and the window of the next building bedroom, is about 3 feet away. And, in the next building, lives about 50 girls of teen age  to late twenties - well, the typical Bangalore Ladies PG. 

Which means i CANNOT keep my window open, generally. I am normally naked when alone at home, I cant do this now because all windows opening to another building. 

Men always fantasize to be this close to lot of girls, but trust me, it can make you really really uncomfortable. 

2) She has not responded to me yet. I will not take another step, I just want to let it be. If somebody wants to respond, they will. if not , they dont want. let me keep repeating this in my mind. 

3) Looking back, i have surprisingly survived the depression, all by myself. That was years ago, but the process was gradual and strong. It has made me stronger, and emotionally better. There are still some scars left, but i am ready to take it on from where i left it fifteen years back. I am lucky to have enjoyed freedom really well, though the price i had to pay was huge, huge in terms of relationships and money in the bank. 

Nothing else. have a good day/night, you all.

::