Hunger

my weakness
my irritation
my desperation
my rage
my Exhaustion

my point to live

Freedom - II

Things we have to sacrifice
For our kind of freedom

aint bigger than
Our kind of freedom

failures...

i need more

for

i need more

fire

Emptiness

is not when you dont have anything inside
it is when you dont want anything to get inside

Why

is that
everyday
i feel like
i want
to
die

Challenge

The biggest challenge i (might) face will be
How long i would be able to hold on to my own hands

getting fat (or a pot belly)

(signs when you get fat)

gone are those days when i always had to use a belt, because they don't sell jeans with a waist size less than 28. They still don't sell them, but now i have to purchase the ones with a size 32. Reality bites. Sure it does.

1) Now i can rest my hands on my stomach
2) You have to purchase new set of jeans, yes, underwears too (I mean, a whole new wardrobe)
3) You still keep the old pair of jeans, hoping that you will get slim one day (you never will, obviously!!)
4) My thighs touch each other while walking (now this is a tough one)
5) I am forced to change the way i walk (i walked this way 27 years) just because my thighs touch each other, and it burns the skin
6) Loosen your pant button every time you eat something
7) Cant tuck in your shirt
8) You get a guilty feeling when you eat something good
9) You try to change your mirror thinking the mirror is slightly bulged
10) When everyone says you have got fat, you think they are lying... (no they aint)

.... and many, many more....
contributions accepted

Modern Poetry.

kk#$^$^%$dfflgsdsds!
sdfsdffks%$^;asdfsdfs..
asdffksdffsdf;sdfdfsds!!
sdfsdfl;;'sd57&^%&;sd'...

dfkl;;s&^&^&;sdf;l
dsfsdfl;l;l,;)())Lsdflkms
dfasdpoffl85&%&sdf;sf
dfkl;;s&^&^&;sdf;l


If they can do it with paintings, why cant we, with words???


Title: restlessness
Medium:finger on Keyboard
Price: can be negotiated.

Time

Be it the glory
Be it the ecstacy
Be it the laughter
Be it the gaiety

Beware.. you are with him

Be it the disappointment
Be it the emptiness
Be it the anxiety
Be it the pain

Relax.. you are with him

Be it the numbness
Be it the void
Be it the unexplained
Be it the confusion

Wait.. you are with him

I wish
I were
without him.

In a world
Without him

What if??

Man:
So.. what i say is true. if you dont marry me, i wont think of any other female on earth.
i wont even look, or even think of having even a glance on the most beautiful girl, even if she is on the nude. If you are not mine, i will continue to caress the stream of memories about you.

Woman:
so what if, i marry you??


This post is supposed to be a joke. If you dont get it, I assume, you have lost a significant part in the humour part of your brain.

Trust

I was asked to trust
and that was all that was asked

I couldnt just trust
and that was all that i could not give

Truth that lies

And when darkness spreads around me
And when i cant see through my mind
I cry out to see if
There is someone around me

I feel around and hear
voices around me
The sound seems so near
but far away from me

And one voice, i am used to hear
once in a while when i cry out loud
tells me there's nothing to fear
and not to cry out loud

And the voice murmers in my ear
thoughts that makes me feel good
whispers in my mind, things that i am
and powers i never knew i had

and as time passes, the voice vanish
and as i get along with the darkness
and i look for my powers the voice said
and understand,i dont have any

Its a voice that speaks
things that you dont have
Its a voice that tries to make you happy
With a lie, and not the truth

Because its a voice that
is not sincere with you
Because voices carry words
And words dont carry deeds.


The similarities of this post to any living being is not a coincidence. It is a deliberate attempt to manifest how i think of some things that as happened. It has, by no means, no intentions to hurt any one, but neither do i want to be the voice that tries hard to console, by shelling out a lie.

The day with the beast - II

And then, the lights were out
loud cries of ecstacy, came storming in

The spotlight hit the Nico, and the loud, pounding drums hit the metal hearts
And in a moment, when the lights were on, on stage were the guitars

it was then Bruce came running in, jumped high in the air, we all thought he might fall on us.
He landed almost on the edge of the stage, and the song cried "Different World"

Yes, we all were in a different world.
We all have just forgetten our thirst and hunger. The time has come, its time to bang into the world of Iron Maiden.

For some time, the crowd were a bit confused. We all could not enjoy the music the way we do in a pub or when a local band do a cover. Bewildered, bewitched, spellbound... we could not enjoy the music, as many of us could not believe the idols were really in front, jus 3 feet away!!

For half hour or so, i stood staring at the stage, tyring hard to come out of the cast that was spelled over me. I would stare at the guitars, the drums, and Bruce who just couldnt stick to one position for even a millisecond. He had more energy than a teenager, running and jumping around the stage as if it waas their ast tour conceert.

By the time i got my mind back, i was happy, "the number of the beast" was on air. the 30,000 something crowd were on their toes, and my head didnt have a second to rest, banging like anything. it was followed by "fear of the dark"

Up in front, i found it very difficult to move, and so i pushed myself a little left of the stage, were i had enough space. and after sometime, after i had my high, i decided it was time i get something for me to drink.

I rushed to the place where i heard they have started selling water. As i moved out from the core crowd, all i could see waas people, but also i could spot the difference between a real metal heart and the "wanna be metal hearts"

People flocked like anything, but outside the core crowed, people were just staring at the stage, some were even chatting to friends. People were moving around, and there were hardly anyone banging their heads out. Ignoring the stuff, i went out in search of water.

And suddenly, I spoted a small crowd, and i could see some fighting. it was water.

A thin, skinny man was seen on his knees, hiding something below his legs. a hundred something crowd was over him, crying, shelling out hundreds of rupees for the two bottles of water left with him. One guy offered 500 rupees for the bottle. But other guys were claining it was them who asked for it first.

And after the fight, the man lost his two bottles of water, but since people threw money around him, he wasnt on a loss in terms of money. Suddenly, all the peole left, and i, along with some, sticked around him. Yes, just as i thought, he took out another case of bottles from a "secret hiding place" , and i was one of the first to catch im off guard.. I cried, pleaded, and i got a bottle of water for 20 rupees. I fled the area in no time, as i was sure i would be mobbed if i was spotted with water. Looking back, i could see people on top of him.. (hope the God he believes in helped him)

I rushed into a dark corner, emptied half the bottle in no time. I rushed back to the front, and found a comfortable place, not too close, but good enough.

And on stage was the tank, with eddie staring out at the crowd, with a binocular.

Scream for me Bangalore....

I would never forget these words.. Bruce cried out these words once in a while, and even that could heat up the metal heart. And all of a sudden, they said a big thankyou and the lights were off..

People could not believe it, but some of them thought it was the end for sure. As they went out, i crawled in back to the front. In 5 - 10 minutes, they were back!!!!

Fifteen more minutes of music, and it really got over. The time was 9.40. I had to wait 45 minutes to get out!!!

(incomplete)

Pink Floyd - Coming back to life

Album : division Bell

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone Else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of live and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pass time
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride trough our silence
I knew the waiting had begin
And headed straight... into the shining sun

A day with the Beast

And it happened. Iron Maiden performed and i was in the front!!!

So even when my fellow dumpo bought the ticket, i was not that sure if i could make it. Had lots of work to do at office, but some how i managed to catch my bus to Bangalore, from calicut.

It was about seven when i reached the garden city. Rahul picked me up, and by 9.00, i had some idlys and a cup of coffee, my first breakfast of the day. And by 10.00, i was at Indira Nagar, where my tickets were waiting for me. As per plans, i had the second breakfast at CCD, along with Shruthi, and her sis. and by 11, i was on my way to RT Nagar, where i will have my lunch with another great dumpo friend of mine. The traffic took some time off me, and i was a bit worried if i can make it to the front row. Rahul already warned me about people camping 24 hours before at the venue.

By the time i had my lunch(?), i had a huge stomach, and it was a bit difficult to walk. I was a bit concerned about an upset stomach, the last thing i wanted at a gig like this. anyway, i bought a cap on the way to the venue, and yes, by 1.00 PM, i was there.

All i could see was black. To my relief, there were only some 500 - 600 people, crowded around the Rs 1500 gate. I just dropped in, with a one litre bottle of water, worried about dehydration.
The crowd slowly started picking up, and the female population also started growing. by the time it was 2.00, everyone was getting restless, and we all started chanting "let us in" The Sun showed no mercy, and it was pretty tough to be in the queue, the worst queue i have ever been in. Yes, we were all ready to suffer all these to see the idols of metal.

The black sea became an ocean by the time it was 2.30. The crowd started pushing, and people were getting squeezed in between. And by 2.40, the gates were open, and half my bottle was empty. I regret i didn't take my camera, as there were no real restriction on cameras, unlike the Bryan Adams show. anyway, as got in, i started looking for another bottle of water, as i knew it will be six more hours before any kind of music comes in.


The dead paratrooper
Half the stage was covered with lack curtain. In front of the stage, to the left side of me, was a dummy figure of a dead soldier, lying on a metal fencing, with barbwire. He still had his parachute on, hanging from the top of the stage. Many of us speculated he might fly up as the show went on, but nothing like that happened. Any way, the show has a war theme, and this spectre did justice to the theme.

Conspiracy
Yes, i still believe it was a conspiracy by Pepsi. No drinking water was available at the venue!! All you can get was Pepsi and 7 up and mirinda, which could make you more thirsty. I could smell trouble, and i decided to save my half litre of water. After a quick visit to the loo, i rushed back to the front.

3.00 PM
Sun was getting hotter and hotter. A gentle breeze came in once in a while. Everyone was drinking more and more Pepsi. I was now placed not in the middle, but to one side of the stage, where i didn't have the complete view. But i was in front !! its hardly 3 feet to the stage!!

3.30 PM
People in the middle started coming out because of dehydration and to get a sniff of fresh air. And i slowly started moving to the middle, filling the gaps. I took an occasional sip from my bottle, keeping my throat wet.

4.00 PM
I just turned and gazed at the crowd, only to see nothing but crowd. The 1500 area were full!!! Yes, full, that it was about to touch the Rs 900 mark!! Now i knew, if i get out of my place, there was no coming back.

4.15 PM
There was this thin cameraman sitting in one side of the stage, and everyone was asking him when the show is on. Occasionally, he would just shrug his shoulders. And when the crowd started crying for water, he would throw a bottle of water to the crowd. We all were getting baked in the sun..

Interesting crowd
Yes, the crowd was really interesting. 80 % of them wore the black Iron Maiden Tshirt.I saw people in their twenties, thirties. I saw 11 - 12 yo girls and boys. Yes, i even saw a 50 something old guy. Yes, for obvious reasons, i didn't find anyone in a churidar.

As time went by, there was this strange smoke coming up. Yes, it has nothing to do with cigarettes, but it had a lot to do with weeds. The guy behind me was an expert in it, i guess. He started mixing up the stuff with great easiness, and rolled it in special paper, smoked it, and passed it on to his friends. The more the smoke came up, the more thirsty the people were, and i knew i have to hide my bottle of water before i get mobbed up.

5.00 PM
The sun showed no mercy and it seemed it didn't have any plans to sink in.Every one wished it could rain. And then the worst thing started.. the crowd started pushing. A very dangerous act, now that the crowd was so much packed that we could not raise our hands easily. If something has fallen on the ground, just forget it. And there were no signs of fresh air around. If i go out for a bit of fresh air, i can never come in again. And i thought the crowd at the gate was the worst part!! It was a piece of cake, considering they were selling water near the gates.


5.30 PM
People could not stand the heat, and many were quiting from the front row, and now i am almost in the front, middle. No i ain't going to lose this spot. Occasional push from the crowd had me losing and gaining the place, but i was so lucky, i was placed well. People were getting more and more restless, thirsty, dehydrated, irritated. Yes, it was horrible. It was not for the weak hearted. Never did the thought of quiting came across my mind, and i was so determined not to lose my place. And yes, i occasionlly even thought of tasting on my sweat, so that i can keep my throat wet!

5.45 PM
I was in front of a bunch of ladies, whose conversation was a real time pass. Everyone was high on something, which i didn't dare to ask. They were complaining about their brother who emptied their quota of whiskey in the morning. And sometimes it went so funny that i found it difficult to hold my laugh. By now, my bottle had only a quarter of litre left, and to my shock, i understood i was the only one in my neighbourhood crowd who had at least a drop of water.

Some time after 6.00
Yes, it was getting better as mercury went down. But the energy level of the crowd went down as well. I was happy that i stuffed my stomach earlier, and i am also sure i had all the food digested by now. I could see some people in the crowd fainting, and they withdraw from their front positions, with a long sad, tired, extinguished face. The smell of sweat came floating in the air, and we were all shouting "music" and "maiden"

And at last, the opening act was coming up. it was 5 hours in the sun, without food or water, and it was very difficult for the crowd even to raise up their arms. However, when the opening act, the "campus rock idols" - FTN showed up, there was a sigh of relief

Boo Boo BOO
Yes, it was a great boo.. They tried to rev up with some original numbers, which failed miserably. The band, according to me, looked stupid too.. there was this guy wit his hair coloured green, and there were two other guitarists, i guess from the north east. The lead singer wore a tie around his T - Shirt, which, in my personal opinion, looked dumb.

Apart from the looks, i personally didn't like their style, which was very similar to Korn. They even did a Korn cover, i guess. Anyway, the crowd, from the very beginning, had their wrong finger up, and was shouting words - "asshole", "$%^hoot", "B$%^hoot" etc etc rhythmically with their beats. But i liked the integrity of the lead singer, as he stood smiling back at the audience as they booed.

The guitarists couldn't head bang... they tried, but it looked as if they were suffering from serious constipation problems, as they did it. Their face said - damn - i want to $%it now..

Well, nothing personal against the band..I do not believe they became campus rock idols for no reason.. but today, was simply not their day
And as they quit, the drummer displayed a a "vulgar" gesture, followed by the raised middle finger. I guess he was really upset about the day.

Parikrama Time
They were so many funny things happening around.. the blown up condom was a classic example. And in stage was Parikrama.

I could feel the confidence in them from their face. The excited faces, along with the upright confident posture of the band members was refreshing, and this is what the new , young bands have to learn.. get on your high before entering the stage!!!

Yes, parikrama rocked like anything. I have listened to just two of their songs before, and i liked them. Here, they were singing all originals, and i am pretty sure 80% of the crowd were listening to these songs for the first time. All i could see was the raised index and little finger around. We were getting rocked like hell. The violinist, and the small eyed lead guitarist, the singer, bassist, keys.. everyone looked on their high from the music. Yes, it was their day. I have to say, i just love these guys !!

8.15 PM
i didn't have my watch on, and we all thought it Maiden time now. But somebody reminded me we had one more opening act, and its called Lauren Haris. Damn.. who the hell is this anyway?
There was this 50 - something lady with a black sleaveless t shirt and black pants moving around behind the stage, and some of us speculated that she was Lauren Harris. And when the show went on, we saw the real Lauren Harris, a 25 something girl,trying hard to make her mark. The lady was her drummer, and another lady(?) came in with the Rhythm guitar. There was this guy, with long hair and typical metal look, with the lead guitar.

I didnt quite like the style of Lauren Harris. She is not the rock - metal type, but i guess she was playing rock, because anything with the touch of pop in front of an ocean of metal fans could be suicide. In my personal opinion, she never did justice to metal fans, and their act lasted about 45 minutes, much to the irritation of the crowd.. we were out of water, air, food, some of us were already out of thier clothing, cigarettes, liquor, and the crowd were even out of marijuana!!
And suddenly we all had a serious doubt regarding the gender of the drummer. It she a he? or is he a she?? The face says its a she while when "she" stood up, the relevant body featres of a lady didnt show up. The debate, i guess, still goes on.


Where is maiden???

8.50 PM
And then it happened. My bottle is almost out of water. just a couple of "gulp"s and i will be relieved of my bottle. And when Maiden comes in, i would not be able to even hold the bottle. So when we sent Lauren Harris out of stage with occasional boooooos and our beloved middle finger, i had a last feel of water, and passed the bottle to the "i'll do anything for water" guys who was standing next to me. I could see them trying hard to squeeze the last few drops that was left inside.

Wait, wait,wait
Please wait, the stage is being set.. another annoying 10- 15 minutes. I have, never been in a more annoying situation before.

-------------------------------------------End of Part I----------------------------------------

Eyes Speak More

Over speeding

I always love to take the curve at high speeds ..
But sometimes, there were no curves..

Names

ok... the sine wave is back to 360 degree, up from an all time low 270 degree. (you need to know a bit on sine waves and read my last post to understand what i meant) I am lookin for a 90 degree rise on March 17, when good ol' Iron maiden blasts blore. I am not sure of the tickets, but hopefully, fellow blore dumpos will take care of that.

And suddenly i have a fascination on names. A spike of thought, which could not be bypassed to ground, technically speaking.

Here are some of them names, i love to call some of my dear friends. the idiotic "eternal wanderer" (R) adds in some names once in a while(yes, people call him lot of names, obviously), and i'm adding them and their meaning here.. you would love to call these names.... use them in the right situation!!

Please note: contributions accepted. Credits will be given to the contributor.

1) nutcase (R) (love this one!!)
2) doofus (R)
3) dumpo (In reference to the female species)
4) idiota (was that in "the specialist" ??)
5) crankshaft (for the automobile people)
6) dildo (oops.. hope no minors are in here.. but a great name to call)
7) dimbulb
8) dumbell
9) creepiferous numbskullicus (R)


you can suffix "maximus" to the names..
eg: doofus maximus


...... please keep addin (preferably with their meaning) come back for more names..

The darkest day

hmmm.. today has been another one of that cursed days. These type of days usually came so many times in a year, but now the intensity has reduced to one or two. The day still remains black, and i hope it will turn blue in the least hopeful years to come.. how much more?? 30? 40? no i dont want to live till 50 !!!

And as i mentioned earlier, these type of days end up with never ending streams of lost thoughts. But however, i'm happy that i can overcome the trauma by myself.

Some incidents can really turn me down. And today had the biggest blow in my life. I gues, yes, it was the biggest. In all sense. When i look back at all the bad patches i had gone through, this one stands out. I dont feel like discussing it here. But i know my frustration levels have gone down - I am still in office writing codes and designing circuits rather than taking a long trip outside kerala or sinking my head in forbidden spirits.

Its rather funny.. If you have ever wondered what happens in my deranged brain when i am down..and come back surprisingly fast - in half hour!! heres what usually happens in my mind- the secret is finally out!!!!

1) My sensitive mind come to know about something - which severly damage my levels of stability
(It could be anything - from serious mental frustrations, a design failure of a project, social injustice done to a person i have not seen or met in my entire life, a fight at home ( for no reason whatsoever ), or one of my friend not calling at the promised time.. )

2) Reactions in body
I loose all control for approximately 5 minutes. People real close to me might remember me talking nonsence at times. That time, i might talk senseless things, swear in public, do strange things, etc etc. My legs feel cold and head feel really hot. A strange feeling passes through my spine. The I - am - always - hungry - and upset Stomach goes more hungry and upset

3) Blues
The next 5 - 10 minutes i think about how unlucky and useless i am to the whole human kind, right from ADAM and EVE. I think why i have to live. I understand how bad i was to my friends, and tries hard to establish i am alone in the whole universe

4) Usually happens - i call someone and people are busy
And at this point of time, i sometimes think of calling the so called people, whose phone numbers i remember. And they are called friends. And needless to say, i know these people will be busy, and i take the slightest discontent in their words for their disinterest in a long talk. The phone is back to hook.. Even if they talk, i accuse them for things they didnt do, for forgetting the basic duties as a friend ( Like guessing that i might be off mood at 5:35:34PM and calling me at the nick of the time i feel bad. for the record, they are usually 200 - 600 KMs away)

5) Blues again
I now curse these "stupid selfish" friends of mine who has forgotten their basic duty. Thoughts of dismantling "project Jobin" comes every millisecond, but i am not that courageous as i used to be when i tried it long back. "Understanding" that i am for myself, the arian character comes up (well nothing against friends - all the good friends has been nice to me. only thing i sometimes ask for too much)

6) Never Give Up!!!
Yes, i am not giving up - I had real real tough times before, and i took weeks to come out of it, thats about 5 -6 years back. Everyone asked me to believe in god, which i simply cannot.. Well - if gods playing tricks on me, and putting me down everytime he wants, i simply dont want to go down.. I AINT GOING DOWN !!!

7) And i am back !!
More energetic, more faster. Now a days the recovery comes faster. Its hard to catch me at this time..Just try if you can!!!

8) And i am back - into laziness
And as i almost finish my work - the drive is over, but the work is not finished.. I could be completed easily, but the inherent laziness inside comes into action... i am back to sleep. Till the next silly/serious thing turns me down.


Yes the toughest day till date has passed by. I am still there, alive. The self - terminating thoughts are there, in fact it was always there, every day.

And if somebody asked me - would you mind if you died today - I would say no. I dont mind.I have dreams to chase, I am so busy all the day, but nothing is as good and exciting as diving into a world you do not know.

Valentine's day

Another Feb 14 comes here, and as every years pass by, i know I am getting more distant from the cause of the day.

I do not know as to what keeps me away from the joys of the day, or what irritates me when i see articles topped with red roses on the days newspaper

I do not believe i had a serious failure with love
for i do not think i have fallen in Love
and I do not know what falling in Love feels like

That strange and sad feeling I used to have
When the chair in front of me remain Vaccant at the Restaurant

That strange and serene feeling I used to have
When I drive down the highway alone
That strange and cold feeling inside
When i stare at the stars, lying on the beach

People say someday, u'll get married cause everyone need somebody
And you should have kids So that they look after you

I do not know so many things about Love and partnership
But I do know that I know
That deep inside, i desire
The chair in front of me
at the restaurant
remain Vaccant.