Moving on.

::

It seems the smoking has slowly started to take a toll on me. As body gave a better and bigger signal than the brain, I have not smoked a single cigarette in the last two days. So, my last two days were pretty smokeless.

Mumbai gave me mixed days, I met a couple of people i wanted to meet, and had a good time. But strange, I felt normal. I did not feel that anxiety at all, when i meet people who i have never met. I was calm, normal, mostly myself. Now that is strange.

The last day was spent in Lamington road,  browsing electronic stuff. Not far away was Kamathipura, the red light area. As I walked around MS Ali road, I could feel the night life of the red light area starting up. The streets were busy, road side vendors making all kind of eatables, Pan wallas, and people selling stuff I had no clue about. I saw ladies, exaggerated make up, cleavages, and a lot of thighs. But all their eyes have lost the sparkle. The lips might smile, the legs might spread, there could be sweet talks, but, I wished I could see a single eye with a bit of glow called hope.

I did not feel bad as usual. I was feeling strange. I was trying to fix my stuff, and i guess, for the first time, I prefered to take care about my stuff before i worry or feel bad about a strange who, in my assumption, looks sad. What I wanted, is direction. What I wanted, is loads of money. Or may be,  a compatible companion. or may be, I should drop off every thing  and become a naked swamiji in the remotest corner of an estranged jungle where I can get fruits that i can pluck, water to drink round the year, and a few vegetables to eat, and a horny girl to walk into the forest, accidently, and falls for me for two hours.

None of these thoughts seem to work.
That was when I saw this old barber shop - with a thin man with a smile sans two front teeth.

As like a divine intervention, I walked in, asked him to give me that head massage I always wanted to have. There was this Navarathna Oil, and due to my long hair, he had to use a machine (Read crude AC motor) tied to his hands for the massage.

The head massage did not make me a rejuvenated man. But The head did feel good. So, I headed to Leopolds, had fish and chips and a couple of beer.

I got a three - chair table. I looked at the two empty chairs and wished they were there.
Morning, I woke up different. I woke up aggressive. Every minute, I know I will have to move on. I will have to do what I like, and I cannot, no more, treat myself bad.

The flight to calicut almost killed me. The violent shake, visibility issue at the airport, and the even rough landing made me think I was gone.

And When we landed safe, I looked around. The man on my right was thanking god, he was kissing the cross thrice. The man on the front was praying all the while. Everyone seemed to be relieved.

I felt nothing. Thats when I realise, I am happy with things, and I have nothing left to do - I have no more dreams, and I have no more things to live for.

May be, thats what I have to sort out.  and move on.

::

Long post. not drunk. 

In and out. and then, out.

::

Marriage, is what i am talking about.

So for some time now, i was having the thought of getting married. For some time, quite seriously. And it went to an extent, that i went and met someone - at her home with her mom and dad and brother - a couple of months back. That did not work out ( i still dont know why - i was not given a reason :D) and I am still unmarried.

I have never wanted to get married when i was a kid. But as years went by, the number of people around me got thinner. As they say, man is a social animal, and I, being man, is supposed to have someone with me. And since I aint gay, that someone has to be a woman.

So I sat and wondered if I actually wanted to get married to. May be I wanted. May be I am scared of the responsibilities. May be I am scared of losing my freedom that i have right now. I have a nomadic life, and I dont worry what time i should get back home. In fact, I never get back home, i always end up in a random hotel room, at some part of the country. I dont worry about future much, i dont save. I dont worry about my health much, i smoke and drink. I dont know if i will sacrifice all this for a woman that comes into my life. I am quite a selfish person, and I have no idea how to make people happy, and I am not worried if they are happy or not.

May be i will change when i get married. But then, i want to change for the right person.

I am not going to search anymore. If there is a person like that, she will come to me.

Things were never this clear for me for some time.

its out for now. No more matrimony searches.

pss: Man is a social animal. So, if i have those animal instincts, its NOT my fault.

::  

Images and solutions.

::

Where are my thoughts that believed nothing can be believed in? May be the ever aging time gave me reasons to justify my inherent drive to do nothing. My views are getting shut to the obviousness of life. My eyes see images of life as an accumulation of aminoacids and proteins. Where is the innocent lens that i used to look people at. Where is the curiosity of the child that made me ponder. Where are the dreams that i loved the night for. Where are the images of suspense that made my heart skip a beat. 

You just cant break everything into smaller pieces and try to solve them. Especially if you dont actually have to solve them.

::

Idiots book on love.

::

The best guy to write a book on love will be the one who got a broken heart, over and over.

::
I am not one, but I am trying to write one.

Cast away with irritating people.

::
When I saw the movie Cast away, i felt bad. Felt bad because i had similar kind of Idea for a film long time back. But unlike in the movie, I was not married. No, i didnt have a job either.

That thought could have been, possibly, because, when things went out of hand (as usual) i wanted to resort to a place no one can find me. No internet, no phone, no electricity. Where i could be un reached, where i could be alone doing nothing but eating and sleeping. May be, i can also do some cave art when bored.

As years went by, I started adding characters to my fantasy. What if i got stuck with a damsel in distress? What If i got stuck with a super rich guy and then save him from a wild shark/crocodile/bear/tiger/giant sea monster and in favour he gives me half(or may be three fourth) his wealth as we return? (Of course, i will get laid with the damsel in distress !!)

But then, i could not add any more characters. It seems these are the only tow people i want to be with when I am cast away on this deserted island where no one can reach to. No one else, seem to fit into the scene. A hard rock band wont do, they are useless without distortion, for which electricity is not available.  Teenagers/kids/old people stay away, I dont want to take care of anybody.

But what if, i got people who I love to hate? If that is the fate, I will see that i make life horrible for them - not the other way round - like , if I got stuck with menaka Gandhi, I would sbe eating fish and rabbit aroud her. And if i got stuck with  Anna Hazare, i would be drinking rum and whiskey(whichever is available) all the time, around him. And If, it is the stupid teenager, all I have to do is throw away the iphone/tablet into the water, and he or she is doomed for life.

How can somebody spoil my day?
It is too easy i guess. The very sight of people I hate spoils all my day.

Sigh.
I think i need that damsel and the lonely island. (With life time supply of whiskey/rum and cigarettes and cannabis.)

::

getting estranged

::

Yet again.

::

Travel partner

::

Strange, but i want a travel partner.
Just to travel with.

Have no idea where to get one.
::

Of Anna, lokpal and shit.

::

Thats it. He pulled the plug in this.

Anna Hazare has been in the news for long now. I wont want to go into details, but

Who the F*** does he think he is?

Giving ultimatum to the elected government. ?? What right does he have for that? Just because he has some followers, does that mean that he can dictate stuff to government, and threat?

As if, the bill is going the change India to Paradise. No one knows about the bill, every freaking A**hole thinks every freaking thing he does is right.

Why do we need a government then? We can all very well ask him to rule the state.

Sadly, people are so blind - to blame everything on government. Government did not come from thin air, they are just a reflection of what we all are.

If the government need to change, WE all have to change.

To - All those assholes who support him, fast with him and shit with him - if all of you, who claims to be a "HUGE" portion of Indian population, change yourself, take pledge NEVER to give bribe, obey traffic rules, DO not litter, support indian products - you will achieve what you claims you want to achieve.

But how can you? You people have no idea or individuality, that you are like slaves, who need someone to tell you what you are to do.

To The media who projects him - if you think Anna is following Gandhian Principles, you are wrong. I am not a Gandhian, but its very easy to see he has nothing to Do with the principles of that great man.

All he did in the last few months is, to threaten the government, Campaign against the congress (I am in no way a congress supporter) and speak non sense.

I know I got carried away, but this guy is irritating- very irritating.
::

Your time, your life

::
never give your time to people
if you are not sure that you will get it back from them.

::

The set of chemicals theory.

::

this post reminded me of one of my old theories - the set of chemicals theory which can define human beings.

So, if you split parts of human being, to its minutest form, we can conclude that we are, nothing but a set of chemicals combined together. And we do not 'think' and make decisions, the chemicals re arrange according to external stimuli, the net result of it, is what we decipher as 'thinking'.

No one usually agrees to me in this, but  wtf. I strongly believes in it, cause It is my own. :P

its just like the river. as the river flows, it do a lot of things. it filters on its own, and do something related to external stimuli - like heat, excess water etc. Human beings, or any other 'living' being as we call it, are just like that, but with more complex processes.

Blame it on the neuro transmitters and motor neurons. Its all their fault.

::

out of place.

::
As usual, i am in the wrong place once again.
I should not have spent that money on flight.

Wrong decisions. all the time.

::

Getting disconnected.

::
Its been a long time since i removed myself from electronic networking, in the form of Facebook and Orkut. Its been long, very long, in fact. I have removed all traces of my personal life, except this blog.

I am not surprised that I am missing the network. I never believed in networks, and I dont think i will ever. Looking back, and to a limit, looking forward, I have no idea what I am into.

Every day that passes by gets me more disconnected from the people I know. From the people I liked very much, to the people I hated. I am alien to the electronic ways of telling people I care.

If only I followed the unwritten rules that people around follow. If only I knew what I want from my life. If only I had dreams to fulfill.

The world should end next year.If not, I am screwed big time.

::

The finishing point.

::

- of a good love is marriage.





(it ends there)

::

of mumbai and a long drive

::

Its was a long drive. From trivandrum to Bangalore via Nagercoil, the Metallica concert at bangalore, and then the drive to mumbai. about 1800 kilometers, and I am back in Mumbai after about 10 years.
I dont remember much of Mumbai, as I was not Visiting places then. But this time, I was travelling in the local trains, walking the streets, eating things with a 'pav' prefix to it.

I have been in touch with bangalore for long, even delhi and chennai. I loved to be In bangalore, but after revisiting Mumbai, I guess that love for bangalore is a bit lost.

To put it in one word, I am in love with Mumbai. Life is hassle free compared to bangalore. Travel is damn cheap, the local trains help you reach fast, and the auto and taxi people takes the exact fare.

I met the bookshelf girl there, and she made me eat weird stuff with weird names. I just cant remember the name of the stuff that was over the kulfi. I did not like the kulfi stuff, but the road side joints where they sell the samosa and the pav stuff was real good.

I still dont kow, why, after ll these years of travel all over India, I have visited Mumbai the least. I should come back here, spend more time and see what all things I have been missing. At least for now, I am in love with this place.

::

being.

::

if you are sure of what you want to do, even if you are wrong about it, i want to be you.
if you can blindly believe in anything, and you can be happy about it, i definitely want to be you.
if people loves you for what you are, I will strive to be you.

or may be i cannot, even if i try.

::

Beware of valentines day

::
I know this is not that time of the year. And i am nosupporter of that day, but i dont mind that day either. We have mothers day, fathers day, teachers day, engineers day, doctors day, grand fathers day(It might be there), water day, earth day, forest day, environement day,... so, wtf, let it be and let people do what they want on that day.

but then, i stumbled upon this site, somehow, and i dont know if I am to laugh or not. The whole website is worth a read. I dont feel disturbed, but i do think we all have to do something about unemployment these days.

http://www.hindujagruti.org/activities/campaigns/religious/valentine-day/

I dont intent to disturb any 'communal harmony' with post, - , i am born hindu, but I have to say no one has to go to this end. Practicing what you believe in, and not looking at others, is the best way you can live in peace.
::

The rum song

::

Late in the lousy evening
I had me fingers shaking
Had me mouth all thirsty

and i missed me girly o 

I went into this roadhouse
And In the rum I sank me
till me hands all be steady
and me see the things all shady

and In walked pretty lady
she wore a black velvetty
she smelled all poison ivy
and she sat so next to me

I bought her all the rum
and I bought her all the whiskey
and I held all her bottom
As I danced to all the songy

and I asked her for her number
and asked her to my shelter
and she smiled her devil smile
and she kissed me lips in style

And morning in me shelter
I have a pretty hangover
I looked around for the lady
for me cant see things so clearly

So I curse the black velvetty
for all me money is all gone
And I curse the black velvetty
for all me rum is all gone

And I curse the black velvetty
For i slept that night alone.

::

oops. I am.

::

Oops. yes.

I am a techie. I am jealous. I am contagious. I am what i am not. I am what you do not want to be. I am a fool to believe. I am negotiable. I am vulnerable. I am a new smoker. I am a new chain smoker. I buy lots of stationery that i do not use. I love cats. I love to drive in the rain. I love to take care of certain people. I am an athiest. I am a poor manager of money. I am in debt. I am spoiled. I am not that fat and i do not want to put up weight. I am a poor singer but i sing a couple of songs well. I play guitar but only selected songs. I love to walk in the rain, nude. I believe in fate. I believe that heaven and hell do not exist. I am hated by most of the people who know me. I drive quite fast when in the mood. I love to have sex with a girl who loves me. I am not a virgin. I say i do not regret my mistakes but deep inside i doubt it. I do not want to have kids. I do not want to have a life partner. I want to travel a lot with a girl who loves my kind of music and loves my way of travel. I am not obsessed with money. I own a black and white phone. I take astro photographs and I am really good in it.  I know to operate most of the telescopes. I do not know how to call on an I phone. I use a car my father bought with his money. I love to make cocktails. I love to listen to Lynrd skynrd and Led zeppelin and Blue oyster cult. I love to drive with a girl i like and hold her hands when I drive. I like very few guys who I know. I am getting old. The best kiss I ever had was in my car. I have not felt peace of mind in the last 15 years. I started smoking cigarettes only a couple of months back. I have a dirty mind. I am very selfish.   I am a sadist sometimes. I am jealous of guys who look better than me. I am jealous of girls who are taller than me and who can drive a car better than me. I am not confident in riding a geared motor cycle. I draw faces of the satan very well. Iam really scared of getting any kind of injection. I close my eyes when i watch a really scary movie. I hate to watch an emotional movie because it disturbs me. I am a liar, sometimes. Mostly, I try to be honest. I have very few good things in me. I want to be a simple man. I want to have sex with women of all race. I want to be loyal to my wife, if i ever marry. I want to get un-drunk. I love chocolates. I love my hometown and I want to live there through out my life. I want to be someones best friend. I want to sleep peacefully. I want to make someone happy. I love to see many of my friends sad. 

Oops. I am drunk. 

I know I will regret this post when i wake up tomorrow. 

But as my policy goes, I never edit my post. So let it be. May be, this is what i really am.

::

faded lights and some smoke

::

The more I type, the more backspaces i hit. Its easier in the silicon space, where i put down things in a text area with the help of a cursor and a keyboard. If only things were this easier. If only backspaces got integrated with real life. If only fading the lights and breathing out thin films of white smoke backspaces things.

I know it doesnt. But nothing else does either.Nothing else, can i do better.

::

Memories

::

I would love to erase my memories.
Even then, i might not be able to start over.

::