Fucking untitled.

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I thought i should die to live well
May be, I should live to die well.

Or may be,
enjoy the hallucinogens
and just wait.

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the bystander.

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And, yes, i ended up in the emergency medicine section of a hospital, as a patient, for the first time in my life. Forgettable incident, yes.

So one fine morning i realized I cannot move my feet or any other part of my body. I felt so weak, that I could not clench my fist. I knew things were wrong, I knew i have to see the doctor. Some doctor. 

I somehow managed to end up in the emergency medicine section of a hospital. Only to be stopped by this security guy.

"sorry sir, only patients allowed"

"(I know asshole), i AM the patient. (Cant you see i am crawling my way to the emergency medicine)?

And then came the next torture. Ladies dress in white. They all carried needles, reminded me of vampires. Vampires they where, last time I counted, they poked at least 4 times to take blood. One from the artery, one from the vein, one for some test, one for some other test. Damn. 

And Dracula came in. He is the doctor, I was informed. He decided I need to be given IV, for which they need to poke again to put on the IV line. two try on my left hand, and it did not do well. So two more pokes on my right hand and somehow it got right.

And every time, one guy would come, give me a bill, and gracefully take my wallet from my pocket, take the card, swipe and bring back the bill. And yes, after a couple of times,he decided to keep the card on my chest so that he does not have to search for my wallet inside my pocket.

About two hours later, my bystander came, and I had no clue she was not comfortable with the hospital stuff. So when the lady in white came in again to take my ECG, she got too scared of the sight of the machine, and well, just ran away. A very light moment, everyone burst into laughter. 

A forgettable day, I got discharged by evening. I was bed ridden for about 3 days, and being alone, when not well, made me think about many things, which I have not thought before. It was not about the care I wanted, but when you are so thirsty, and you cannot get out of the bed, you will wish there was a bottle of water near you. And then you want someone or something to bring that bottle of water, and who ever does that at that point of time, you look at him/her with a lot of gratitude from your heart.

But no, I dont want to get married just so that someone will take care of me. What will i be doing with her the rest of the time?

Three days later, when i was kind of fine, i went back to the hospital to get my urine test results. Well, forget the report, the urine sample itself was missing. 

I dont think i would ever want to be in a hospital again. I am healthy now, but the way i treat my body with cigarettes and alcohol, i can see myself spending my later days in a hospital, with ladies dressed in white all around me. I might need a bystander then, I would prefer a woman, around my age, and I guess i have to start saving up now so that i can pay her then.

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aah. Who the fuck is that.

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I thought i know all of the people who can possibly visit my blogs, on a regular basis. Yes, i mean real humans, not the bots.

But who, the hell, is this human, from San Jose, California, who regularly use a firefox and a win xp system, has been visiting my blogs at least thrice a month, for many months, now??
It cant be my sister, as she does not live near California.

Mystery, ignites imagination.

So I fantasize, this human being, be, a hot chick, single, who is fascinated by my writings.

And when i do that, it almost always turn to be a guy, who i never want a conversation with.

Aah. Now i really wish at least some part of my mysteries have a happy ending.

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the Draught beer incident.

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Policemen likes  love me. I have no clue why they are attracted to me, i guess the way i walk, drive or simply stand makes me look like a mouth watering dish of some sort. 

The latest, happened a couple of weeks back. We all walked out of our fav pub, one fine wednesday, and there were guys and girls, drunk, wasted, having harmless fun. People singing aloud in groups, loud laughters, thrash talk, it was all fun. I dont drink beer normally, but when this cute looking female came to me and offered me a can of beer she could not finish, i could not resist.
1) the girl was hot, but sadly, had an equally hot boyfriend on her other hand.
2) I dont believe in wasting any type of alcohol.

So, me any my A**Hole friend, started to walk towards his place, as i had decided to crash in his place. On the way, on a freaky modified bicycle, there was this guy, selling tea and coffee. Interesting idea. Tea. I have no clue as to what can happen when hot tea reacts with Gin in the abdomen, but it did not bother at that moment. We stopped for the tea, had a couple of cigarettes, and stood there talking for sometime, waiting for a friend to come join us. 

So i was just standing there, talking to my friend, holding the beer can in my had, but NOT drinking, because Gin + Tea + Cigarettes + beer felt like the weirdest of concoctions.

And in came two overweight, potbellied as usual, policemen, in the typical leopard skin bikes. I ignored them as usual, as i was not driving, i dont have to have papers, and every Indian citizen has the right to stand on a road side at any point of time in a day.

Policeman (In Kannada) : Come with me to the station 

Me : Perplexed, confused, In a mix of Kannada, Hindi and English : Why?

Policeman (In English, Realising i dont know Hindi as well as Kannada) : Public Nuisance, Drinking in public. Come to station, pay 500 fine, and stay there till morning.

Me (WTF!in mind)  I am not drinking in public !! I drank at the pub

Policeman : But you have an opened beer can in hand.

Me. (Damn. Why am i holding it when i am not drinking it) But i am not creating any public nuisance! See, i am peacefully standing, on the roadside, not even talking loud! 

I tried to convince them than i am the angel himself descended to earth, that I am such a nice guy that I mind my own business and love the people around me. Well since it did not work, i decided to do what can work.

Me: Kitna chahiye

Policeman: Pyar se dedo.(Never had, i seen a policeman saying "pyar se dedo" It sounded more like a sex worker asking for  a tip)

Hmm. I checked my wallet, looked inside for a 50 rupee note. Gone are those days when 10 rupee was sufficient. Damn. No 50. Only hundred. Through the corner of my eyes, i could see both the guys looking into my wallet.

So I took the hundred, and handed it over to the guy who was riding the bike.

He refused to accept it. I thought, damn. More??

Then he gestured to give the 100 to the guy sitting behind. AAh. Protocols. 

As they left, i looked at the Can of beer, and i saw it giving back that "I didnt do it" look. 

So i leaned on to the low compound wall, patted the street dog who seemed to like me, and gulped the beer peacefully.

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Ahem.

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I felt weird when i got tagged.

Weird because, I was happy and uncomfortable at the same time. Happy because someone do read my blog for what ever reasons, uncomfortable because i am not the social type, at least in cyberspace. 

I thought i would skip this exercise, but the blank and confused state i am in (due to completely different reasons) pulled me into writing a blog today, and i thought WTF, i AM going to answer these questions, because now, i really want to.

thanks to Kappu, for tagging me, cause it did make me feel good. 

1. What/who got you into blogging? A note of thank for him/her/it? ;-)

None of my friends were blogging when i started writing. I came across blogger when i was browsing for something, and i liked the concept. I guess I started writing to get attention, and nothing else.

2. You are gifted with a great voice, what song will you sing to your love? 

Immigrant Song. 

3. If you are given the time and money to learn something new today, what will you choose to learn?

Today, at this point, i would pay and learn how to have a good sleep. I dont know about tomorrow.

4. What do you like and dislike about marriage? (Bachelor(ettes) can let their assumptions run here!)

like - You dont have to look around for a partner to have sex.

dislike - You cant have another partner for sex.

5. What according to you is an act of kindness?

Nothing. Every act by anyone is an act to satisfy their own mind and body.
Hold it. on a second thought, if someone gives me 5 crore for free, it IS an act of kindness. 

6. A date with a celebrity - whom will you choose and why? 

Singer Najma Akthar. Or Actress Rekha. Intoxicating looks and eyes. 

7. What adventure sport do you SO love to do right away? With anyone in specific?

Right now, no. I dont want to move my ass a bit. 

8. Do you like photography? What do you think of the developing culture of SLR craze?

I take astrophotographs, am a semi professional in it. I used to work with the SLR Film camera in late nineties, and it was fun. It was challenging. You had to feel the light, you had to have skill. I dont like it now, as you need more of photoshop skills now. And every tom, idiot and asshole i meet claim to be  a photographer these days. I dont carry my camera anymore as frequently i used to carry it. 

9. Whats your secret recipe that you'll cook to impress or woo someone? (okay if its maggi!)

Cocktails. One of my RUM or GIN specialties (I think it is special, if you dont think so, it is your problem, not mine) . Since it is secret, i cant say it here. :P

10. What do you like about your best friend?

I dont know who my best friend is.  Not saying  I dont have wonderful friends, but no, I am not the one who believes in friendships and stuff. There are some things good in everyone. and equally bad things too. 

11. Whats the MOST favorite post A)written by you B) written by others? Share the link!

My post, : http://brainderanged.blogspot.in/2007/07/soul-mate.html 

Others post:  I dont know, i loved many of them, many of them amazing, but there is none which can be singled out over others!!

I am, supposed to tag 11 others, is what i understand. I dont think i will, i dont feel comfortable doing it. 

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well. it was fun. Answering these.  

Bribing the Gods.

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I have always wondered if GOD loves money. Well, with the recent developments, i understand that not only GOD loves money, he will do things for you if we bribe him/her well.

Basically we have to 'please' him. I Understand prayers as the least expensive and uncomplicated way to please him/her. So when someone prays, the GOD, which/who is omnipresent, hears the prayer, and becomes happy, and blesses the person. What i am surprised is his recent interest towards money. It is one thing, GOD did not, or could not, create. He has no access to money, so he has ways by which he makes we humans to deposit money to the places of worship.

The Karnataka Govt, are one of the recent victims of GOD's greed to money and attention. Its like the traffic police at the end of the month. You dont have a choice if they catch you, just bribe them and leave. So, seems like the month end for GOD, and he decided not to give monsoon to the Kannadigas. His plan worked, and amazingly well. 

Check out how his plan worked:  click here

Yes, only GOD can save this country.

::

I have always believed GOD, to be a human creation. No wonder, why he has emotions, why he has a big ego. And why, especially Indian Gods, are corrupt.

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of Photographers and Cameramen.

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I remember I bought my first digital camera at 15,000 bucks. well it was about 8 Megapixel, and it was the year 2007.Mobile cameras where not popular then, due to bad quality and the expenses.

5 years down the line, its had to find a camera without a mobile phone in it.

Being a techie who hates technology, every leap in technology scares me.  Men are becoming more of machines as we interact more with machines.

~ we talk more to our phones, than to our friends.
~ we see more LCD screens than our loved ones.
~ we touch a keyboard more than we touch ourselves.
~ we see the desktop more than we see our reflection in a mirror.

Last time, when I met with some of my friends, i checked out the time spent to talk to each other. I guess it was less than 50% of the total time spent, the rest was devoted to the smart phones everyone had. I am happy i dont have a smart phone, but i had my share of phone calls and text messages.

And then we have our cameramen. Who will shoot anything and everything they see. Photography  is fun. And when i saw people having fun shooting the lady being molested in the streets in Assam, I knew the time has come. People fail to see human beings in people. And When the footage was telecast-ed, I knew my worst fears has come true.

Well, people get molested. true. But at least for the sake of the girl, the media with the so - called - ethics could have refrained telecasting it. It is no fun watching a girl getting molested. If it is, if people have fun watching the clips, we are, for sure living in a very dangerous society.

We may not have to make terminator, we all may evolve to be one.
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Complicated creations.

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Learning Astronomy (And NOT astrology) was the turning point of my life.

The concept of big bang, speed of light, Black holes, Gravitational lensing.. Everything about the outer space was complex, everything was out of logic. Everything was hard to understand. Researchers had spent their life time to untangle the complicated network of unknowns in the universe and comes up with theories which has to be re written over and over again.

Well, coming back to earth, we have a similar creation. They are called women.

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The social ANIMAL.

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I love the animal life. 
If, we were to live like the animals, We dont have to buy playboy or spend money and time on porn. Everyone is naked anyway.


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( And Dont jump into conclusions. Its not about ME watching porn, its about human beings, in general.)

Hypocrisy, Hatred and Internet.

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The facebook supporters have this point - that it is the best way to spread your ideas. You click, you share, and the whole world knows about it. And yes, since the whole world as we know, are glued to this screen with faces in it, the whole world WILL know about it.

And this is what, i found recently in the social networking circles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhd3PWZDaCQ

Well, at least in Keralite circles, her accent is notorious. I used to and still hate her presentation style. Its too irritating to watch her malayalam shows. Anyway since i dont watch any of them reality shows, I am not bothered much.

But, this video is too stupid. The girl, who ever she is, has the right to party, has the right to be with anyone she likes and do what ever she wants to in her life. Her getting drunk/smoke/party/have sex is her thing, her life and nothing for an average keralite to worry about. And there was nothing in the above video that she did to hate her as a show host, or anything in the video to hate her as a person.

And, most of the people, who hate her, are worried about the traditional culture !!!

So, if i were to take snaps of the private life of all these haters, and make a video like the one above, what will i see??

Pictures of people groping girls in bus, having  hardons by seeing the cleavage of a 60 year old lady, Flashing their hardons near womens colleges and schools, Jacking off  to porn everyday,  Installing hidden cams in bathrooms, abusing girls who walk the road, have extra marital affairs, Getting drunk every day, and then puke on the road and then sleep where ever they are, make fake facebook profiles and stalk girls, make stories of the girl who turned you down, and what not, the list grows on and on.


Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself.

I still hate to see her shows, but it is unfair and stupid to have a hate wave against her for her private life. If you dont like her shows, dont watch. And do something better than wasting your time to peep into someone elses personal life and count the number of cigarettes he/she smokes a day or the number of people the other person slept with.

Facebook spreads a lot of hate, and less of love and peace. I am sure i am right about this. At least this.

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cats and dogs.

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So, if given a choice, to replace all the street dogs in Bangalore with cats, wont you be preferring it??

And you say dogs are better animals than cats !!!

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of course, this is a question to the so called dog lovers, from a so called cat lover.

Looking back

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My mind does not feel good now. In fact, it feels terrible. Sleepless nights, unsettling thoughts, and emptiness fills most of the neural paths. Well, it is normal, considering the circumstances and the environment i am with right now. 

Well, things were worse. Or had been worse. There were times when i saw death when i didnt want to see it, times when i tried to die when i didnt want to live. Times when i starved because i did not have money to buy food, times when I felt too lonely. Times when i could only see nightmares where i am stabbed or beheaded, times when i am guaranteed a nightmare every time i go to sleep. Times when i had not laughed from my heart for years. Times when i slept at the bus stands because i could not afford a cheap hotel. Times when I had payed a girl to just hug and sleep without sex. Times when I was scared or rather phobic of laughter and good times.  And the list can go on.

On the other side, most of the things i wanted, i had. Even though I had my lives struggle to get them. I had traveled well, I had stayed in expensive hotels. I had driven my car like crazy till all the adrenalin was consumed by blood. Times when i indulged in the most expensive spas, times when i had the best of fun in many pubs in different countries. Times when i drank like crazy, times when i slept well. Times when i really felt happy with someone. Times when some one said good things about me and actually meant them.

So when it goes up, it has to come down. What we dont normally remember, is, that it mostly goes up when it comes down too. 

Patience, is the most underrated. 

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Filthy rich.

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Filthy rich, is what i want to be, right now. I dont remember any instance of my life till now when i wanted to be rich. What i wanted, always, was enough money to fill the petrol in my car, enough money to spend twice a week on the pubs i frequent, and enough money to afford a decent, small one bed room space and enough money to have food. May be a couple of head massages a month too. I am happy, i guess if i have these.

Now, i want to be filthy rich. rich, so that, i dont have to work. the things i do might remain the same, I may not visit london for my dinner and switzerland in summer. But the very fact that I have money in my account, should comfort me. Well, it WILL comfort me. I have not started to read idiots book or book for dummies on how to get rich, for obvious reasons that none of the rich guys around must have never read those. But, the seed for that thought is implanted by some devil i met at some point  of my life, and it reminds me of the couple of lines from my favourite Grateful dead song:

Set out runnin' but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.

Go watch ::
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XacvydVrhuI&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLD92750DDDCFAE98A

Well, i may not become filthy rich, but I guess the desire is building up. And I do fear i will lose my waywardness, that I will lose myself. Well, blame it on the chemicals.

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Colours of the sky is no more dead.

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All right. I have decided to restart the sky blog. - Where I wanted to put up the astrophotographs i took.
http://coloursofsky.blogspot.in/

I have added a couple of old pics i took, may be around 2009, when i was doing well with astrophotographs. Hopefully, i will have the energy to update the blog at least once a month.

Better visit the site or else !!
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That girl.

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The day started with mixed feelings. A heavy head as the result of the excessive drinking the last night, dehydration, early morning blues and on top of that, the thoughts of her. The 'her' is the topic of the post, the her, i have seen only in a vague photograph, which came out as a result of my deep understanding of how google works. The her, whose personal details i know, thanks to the freaking privacy in the internet. The her, whose phone number i know, whose email address i know. Whose friends I know, whose where abouts i know. The her, who i think about once in about two months. or may be once a month. So, I know for sure it is not love. I know its not about living together with her, i know it is not about sleeping with her. I know it is not even to be with her as a friend. But i do not know what it is. I dont know why it is, that I want to let her know that I exist. I am scared, i dont dare. I dont even dare to send a two letter email to her. And that is very much unlike me, the me i know being impulsive and daring. I dont think the thoughts of her bugs me, because she does not come into my every day thoughts at all. But what bugs me, is to know, why, I feel like THIS when i think of her.

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Smoking laughter

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~ So why are you laughing all the time these days??
> its because i have started smoking

~ Why do you have to be this vague all the time??
> See, you said every cigarette i smoke takes away 5 minutes off my life.

~ ??
> You also said laughing increases my life.

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the non living being inside us.

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From the times I remember, I have been told that we (read human kind) is superior. Superior to all the beings in the world. That, we possess intelligence. That, we have bigger brains. That, we have emotions that other living beings does not have. That, we have better abilities to talk. wow.

The very fact that I am typing this in my lap top, which will communicate, wire less to the router down the hall, to a remote server in some part of the world, store this, and let other people see, is by itself a very complicated and interesting fact. I dont belive the cat sleeping peacefully in the yard will be able to make something like this. We are indeed, very unique.

I like to make robots, or in general machines. So, my dream machine is a robot, with near human proportions. Replicating the human body will need replications in less than nano levels.

And at nano levels, or lesser, we are just an array of non living beings !

I have to face it. We are just an array of non living things. I was true. My set of chemicals theory is true. Love, hate, anger, lust, and even the mush sort after feeling of orgasm is, just in fact, a chemical reaction.

::

(I have no idea, if you, the reader gets what i mean. It doesnt matter, but this is quite depressing for me, the feeling of depression being another chemical reaction.)
(And we are so pissed off at government and corruption and lot of other things like this.)

32

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As a child, i always wanted to die at 32. I was scared of old age. And for some reasons which i still cant figure out, i thought i will call it quits when i hit this age.

Well, i completed that figure yesterday and i dont know if i want to die now. But if lord Yama comes in his fav ride and give me the tickets to the other world, i wont mind accepting it either. I am kind of content with what i have had in life, and there are no dreams left which will make me say - hey ! hold on, i need an another 5 years !

Saying that, I dont mind living an another 5 years either. But, i have to say i feel better than when I was in my twenties, possibly because i have less decisions to make these days. So, when you are i your twenties, you will have to plan ahead for your thirties, plan your life partner, plan your kids, plan your finances and carefully choose your career. Well, to be very frank, i gracefully messed up all of them, and here I am, single, with little bank balance to be proud of, and a not-so-great career as i do not have a full time job.

I am more peaceful than I used to be. None of my dreams worked out, none of my plans clicked, but i strongly believe the peace that i have is much better than the satisfaction i could have had when my plans worked out. I am laid back, I dont rush through my daily routine, I enjoy my bath, enjoy my coffee, take as much time i want to drink it, i dont get irritated by the traffic jams, I dont have dead lines to meet every day.

Apart from the pressure from my folks to get married and a recent financial crunch due to my quitting my job, I am having an eventless life. The life I started to enjoy so much, that I think is the way i want to live for the rest of my life. And I dont mind Yama dropping a visit tomorrow, and I dont mind him dropping a visit a decade later.

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same old story

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I will never learn from mistakes.
I was at peace when i was alone.

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in to the beer bottle.

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I have quit drinking many times. And that seems to be the best part of it. You can actually quit as many times you want.

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Alcohol, weed and orgasm seems to be the best things in the world  bestowed to mankind. And all of them are deemed partly illegal or unethical in many parts of the world. And we all believe human beings to be the best in terms of intelligence.

::

I had serious problems with the throat and the ear because of the cold beer at night. I solved the problem by replacing the bed coffee with a bottle of beer. It works real well, in fact extremely well.

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So I have not been blogging for more. Sadly, i realize that i should have been blogging more to satisfy the needs of the world.

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I have quit the job. I am jobless now.

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I am very happy and depressed at the same time.

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