Being Content.

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The childhood dream was to be famous. Who does not want to be famous? It is a good feeling to be known by people, people follow you, people love you. People admire you, they name their sons after you. You receive fan mails, you receive kisses, and if you are a rock star or a sportsman, you get laid pretty easily. You have money, you get things done easily with just a phone call. Amazing life. well, every mans dream. Things changed as i grew up. I do a lot of things i might not be able to do if i am famous. well.. all dirty stuff. It is better to be unknown, an noticed. 

So the other day, i was walking to the regular coffee - cigarette shop. I was in an indifferent mood, pondering about things that is happening in my life right now. In general, people who closely know me knows me as a sad person. May be because i crib a lot to them. I had years of tough times, trying out ways of life and understanding things which really went bad. And when it went bad, i became depressed. And then i would try a new thing which will again go wrong. More depression. The cycle continues, but things gradually became better, over the years. 

So i thought. what if i can go back to the past and change things? What would i change??

May be write my exams well?? May be correct every bad things i did? there are a hundred things i can think of. But then, if i had corrected them, what would i be now?

I dont know. What i am right now is a completely free man with no dreams at all. The other day my friend said - that it is impossible for a man to live without a dream. I differed. I dont have any dreams i live for. I dont have anything i live for, at this point of time. There are things i would like to do. But I am not working towards it. I am just going along the flow, taking things as it comes. In the process, i make some people happy, some sad. I dont follow any rules or principles. I just live. 

I feel content. 

I dont want to go back and change a single thing. 

I feel content, i feel i am living life the way i want to live. I know this is what i wanted deep inside, as a kid. I am fine to die tomorrow, i would die without any regrets. 

I might be generally sad and depressed, but i am content. Fucking, why did not i realize this before??

I dont think i can ask for more in my life. 

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Conversations.

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~~ So, How does it help?
>> It helps you to communicate better and keep in touch with your friends.
~~ So, Cant i just use the SMS?
>> You can, but it is still better.
~~ I dont think so.
>> Why dont you install and see?
~~ I have a basic phone, with the  black and white screen
>> Man, you are living in pre historic times.

.
.
.

>> I hate this guy, this guy is bugging me with messages.
~~ He is just communicating better, and just keeping in touch with you.
>> I can block him.
~~ Yes you can. You can keep updating the world what happens in your life minute by minute, keep in touch with your dear ones miles apart, share, block, find new friends, expand the social circle, and live in a virtual world assuming the virtual world to be better, while you dont realise you will be losing the good friend or a partner who is sitting across your table in an arm distance. What you will get are words on the display, or likes from the people who tries to impress you, making you fall into the mysterious unknown, while you refuse to accept the human in flesh and bones who will carry his true emotion in voice, gestures, touch and the simple look from his eyes.
>> Oops, can you come again? i missed what you said. I was just sending a message in that app.

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This and that.

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I am short of  topics. And as i look back at the blog history, i can see the number of posts coming down. As per the theory of depression, the number of posts will be directly proportional to the level of depression you are in. Partially true, may be. Because writing was never my piece of cake, and when i am feeling well, i have better things to do. 

Since i dont have a topic to write, i should be writing what is happening these days. 

1) I am shifting. To a small 1BHK,  but bigger than the current place. 

As i opened my bedroom window for the first time, what welcomed me was a couple of pink and red panties and some t shirt bras, hanged to dry bout 2 inches from my window sill. So, my window and the window of the next building bedroom, is about 3 feet away. And, in the next building, lives about 50 girls of teen age  to late twenties - well, the typical Bangalore Ladies PG. 

Which means i CANNOT keep my window open, generally. I am normally naked when alone at home, I cant do this now because all windows opening to another building. 

Men always fantasize to be this close to lot of girls, but trust me, it can make you really really uncomfortable. 

2) She has not responded to me yet. I will not take another step, I just want to let it be. If somebody wants to respond, they will. if not , they dont want. let me keep repeating this in my mind. 

3) Looking back, i have surprisingly survived the depression, all by myself. That was years ago, but the process was gradual and strong. It has made me stronger, and emotionally better. There are still some scars left, but i am ready to take it on from where i left it fifteen years back. I am lucky to have enjoyed freedom really well, though the price i had to pay was huge, huge in terms of relationships and money in the bank. 

Nothing else. have a good day/night, you all.

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Nature and the testicles

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Nature was indeed unfair to men during the evolution process. It kept the testicles hanging outside the body so that it can be kicked at ! 

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Damn fucking new year.

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** Now that the world did not end in 2012, I will have to keep paying the EMIs.

** I want to get my body in back in shape.
** I want to smoke less, of course.
** I want to start training for the Marathon.
** I want to spend less money for alcohol.
** I want to get back to building things the way i used to do it years back

** I will be spending more time on the guitar.

** I will be moving to a new den in a week.
** I will be working for the current employers, unless they throw me out.

** I will be turning a year more older in march. Three decades and three years . Damn. 

** I will stop living in the past. 

** I dont know if i will remain unmarried.

** I dont know if i will be able to save any considerable amount of money.

** I dont know if I will live to see 2014.

** I dont mind if i become a rockstar.

** I dont mind if YOU, wants to put some money to my account.

** I dont mind to own a big car.

** I dont mind having a one night stand with a hot chick. 

Damn fucking new year, makes me think of all these things which i would never think other wise. 

All i have to do this new year is to fix up my mind.

So wishing you guys - my friends, foes, fans, relatives, girlfriends, secret admirers, atheists, believers, terrorists, idiots, assholes, congress, BJP,  and all the general public, cats and dogs, reptiles, and living beings of all genetic orders - Good luck for this year. Hope the earth, sun moon and your fellow beings will not screw you up this year.  

Free advice for the year - spend less time on you stupid smart phone. 

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Shut down.

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Shut down in progress.
Deactivating item 1 of n.

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Of murder, rape and men.

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Alright. I am pissed off. Pissed of with the senselessness of the masses, and obviously, i think i am right. 

Thing one :: There is an overwhelming support for the Delhi rape victim.  Protests which left one policeman dead, protests which blames police and the government for everything, almost everyone supporting the protests at in Delhi. I refuse to accept. I, DO NOT SUPPORT the stupid protest. Call me heartless, call me a male chauvinist, call me what you want, but i do not agree to the 'enraged' mob. 

Am I sympathetic to the victim? May be. But i dont want to give her more importance than the hundreds of girls who have been brutally raped and murdered all these years. Hundreds of under aged girls who have been raped, molested and killed every month. No protests of any magnitude came up all these times, why? Are those girls lesser? How come the world became so much aware of 'rape'? arent we all governed and manipulated by media? Arent we enraged ONLY because of the way the media put it? and then takeon by the social media?? Should not we be ashamed that we needed the media sensationalism to REALISE that rapes are happening in India? Who is there to stand up for all the girls who were killed brutally because she fell in love with the guy of another caste? Who is there to stand up for girls who got molested at a very young age by their own fathers and relatives, and have to grow up with the trauma? Werent we all closing the eyes to it?

I will never understand the REAL trauma of the girl, unless I am a girl myself and gone through that, or my sister or my mom or my girlfriend or wife go through that. But then, is it not the duty of every one of us to stop it before it happen, and what is the point in letting it happen and then blame the government and the police for everything?

I have a some questions to the so called 'Angry, enraged youth' -

Werent you the same guys who did not move a finger when the girl was molested for about an hour in public? You watched her and enjoyed the show, didnt you? I did not see your anger and the aggression then?

Arent you the same youth who molest girls in groups during new year eve? Wont you guys die to grope a girl when you are in the crowd and know that you will be safe?

If you see a helpless man beaten up in the road, will you move a finger?

If you see girls harassed in open, in roads and in buses, will you raise your voice?

How many of you, men, will respect girls, and how many of you will accept a non virgin girl? 

And all these things - are the government doing it? Are all the molesters sent to the street from Rashtrapathi bhavan?

What i have to say to the protesters, is to shut the fuck up. If you want rape to go away, beat up guys who molest in the bus, protest when something happens in front of your eyes. Do what you can do. Blaming the government and the police will not help. It will NOT change anything. The evil in WITHIN the society, and not in the parliament and in the police station. Do your duties as a citizen. Do it first before you point your finger to someone else.

Or better, as most of you are believers in the thing called GOD, protest in front of temples and Mosques and Churches and where ever. After all, GOD is the almighty, he is supposed to guard you and he can stop all future rapes in an instant. Why dont you do that?

Have some spine. Have a spine to stand up for something when it happens in front of you. If not, just shut the fuck up. 

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Space

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Space. The free thing you always want but find it difficult to give.
I can let go most of the things. If i let go this last one, i will be too perfect. 

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Bad education.

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The world has become so unnatural, that a kid cannot learn and do his things naturally. He need to learn to read and write so that he can order his underwear online, learn thousands of words so that he can use the best of language to communicate well to the fellow human beings, and he has to learn how to be 'cool' and stylish so that he can get a mate to have sex with.  Animals dont have to, my cat back at home never went to grammar school, but he can very well communicate when he is upset about the fish i gave him.

So schools are set up. I should ask, why? shouldnt it be teaching primarily on how to live, how to be a good social creature, How to live so that there is less conflicts between people, on how to treat nature, on how important it is to eat ONLY what you want, on fitness, on health? 

Instead, they teach on how to be successful, by pushing your friend down with your feet, they teach to hate other religion, they teach of afterlife and heaven, they teach complicated equations to make complicated machines which they thing will un-complicate the complicated lifestyle we made to make our lives better. 

Is it not, why an engineering graduate become a terrorist? Is it not why the guy who drives a toyota corolla will throw garbage on to the street? Is it not why people drive bad, dangerously, and kill other people 'accidently'? Is it not why kids at schools suicide? Is it not why we all, in general, are unhappy with how much ever money we have?

And after all this 'good' education, there are people who still thinks its the end of the world today:::: 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/gallery/2012/dec/20/mayan-apocalypse-bugarach-in-pictures?intcmp=239#/?picture=401419345&index=0

Bad, bad education. 

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The good old cheap erotica.

Sexual content warning. :: If you are not yet 18 years old, please do read this. You will get a picture of how it was, years back, and yet, how we where satisfied :P

::

There is something about boys in their teenage. Their penis becomes the brain most of the time. So, long long ago, once upon a time, there lived 2 friends, in their teenage, with the penis governing the brain. Sadly, they passed their teenage in an era, when computers existed only in expensive schools and engineering colleges, and internet was unheard of. The inherent curiosity to explore (fantasise) the female genitalia always ended up with the inner wear advertisements in the local magazines and once-in-a-while somebody bringing in to the school,  a black and white vague photograph of a nude lady, from god-knows-where, and paying up 50 paise to see it for a minute or so. The other option was the video cassette, which they frequently did, befriending the local video cassette rental guy. So porn came once in a month or two, after planning meticulously the venue, timing, people to attend and all. The biggest concern was electricity, as, if it goes off, the cassette remains inside, and there is no way you can get it out. None the less, the entire event management exercise to watch porn normally had a happy ending. :P

And then the two friends went to the so called 'entrance coaching' to a far away place, about 3 hours from home. There they indulged in movies, restaurants, Masala dosas, Exhibition grounds, Zoo, museum and unavoidable things like that. Evenings where spent at a local bar, even though one of them (to be later understood as me) never drank, or smoked. Something was missing. Something was missing, and then they figured out, blame it on the vagina. 

They took a stroll down the famous 'circle' in that town, and lo and behold ! the small road side shack ! The famous books of those times where "fantasy" and "debonair", and Indian foreign policies where not liberal, and FDI in books where not there, for play boy to hit the market. Both of them did not have the courage to ask for the books, but since one of them seemed to be more horny, he took the courage with a stammering voice, - 

Boy 2 : FFaantasyy??

vendor : illa (no) pakshe glad rags undu (but glad rags is there)

None of them knew what glad rags was. Assuming a replacement for Fantasy,

Boy 1: Sheri, athu mathi (yes, will do)

Paying an exorbitant amount of 50 bucks for that era, the boys rushed back, forgetting to have dinner they planned, and rushed to the room.

In no time, the plastic cover of the books where stripped, and the pages where eagerly flipped for divine sight of  the naked boobs.

Well. Fashion magazine. 

Not even a proper cleavage. 

The "excitement" went down. Not actually, since neccessity is the mother of invention, and since somebody intelligent has said "seek and thiu shall find", they decided to seek, and managed to find the first erotic literature they read. a small 5 rupee book, with a semi nude girl on the cover. 

Days passed, and at the end of the 12 day course, there was about 24 books, all erotica, and 3 books, which was relevant to the entrance. As the friends packed the bags to go home, the books had to be left back, and it was a tough decision they made. But where??

So they went to the railway station. They neatly placed the books into a textile shop plastic cover. And at the crowded ticket counter, Boy 2 had an idea. He kept the cover on the floor when he purchased the tickets, and since people wont look down at a crowded counter, he left it there after he got the tickets. 

And in a minute, a good old man, ran upto him, and happily handed over the cover - "you should be careful with your belongings"

And in the next half hour, the friends roamed about the railway station like two inexperienced terrorists planing to place a bomb in a strategic place. Fear, lack of self confidence and a feeling of parting with their soul made them frustrated, uneasy and angry. So they had their usual Masala dosa - tea solution for the situation, and it worked ! 

They went out, to the almost empty parking lot for goods vehicles, and left the cover inside one of them. 

Wishing the owner good luck, and dreaming about the happiness we gave to the unknown soul by gifting a treasure any potent male would want, they went back home to the wold of video cassettes and Innerwear ads. 

And every time they walk past the small road side book shack, there used to be an innocent excitement coming up, the penis used to be satisfied with the cheap 5 rupee fantasies, or may be by an obscure black and white view of the vagina. 

17 years passed, and Boy one grew up to be a dentist, and got married and got settled in australia, and Boy 2 after a lot of struggle became an engineer, and started drinking, smoking and all other essential activities of life, and started this blog. 

And last week, as i passed by the small road side book shack at my home town, I saw them books, smiling at me, asking if i remember them. Yes, I do remember you guys, I wish i had the urge to buy you, rush home, and read you, but for once, i am sad that my penis no longer run my brain. I seriously wish it where, for the one thing i miss really in life is the innocent sexuality, the curiosity and the innocent excitement, which did die off. 

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WTF?

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Yes, WTF.

My drinking has gone down, i dont feel like getting drunk much. Even though i have a drink frequently these days rather than the wednesday - sunday pub days, I dont drink much. I sometimes have a small drink before i leave to office in the morning, and have another small drink in the evening. The smoking have gone down drastically after that fatefull sunday when i smoked almost five 20 packs( yes, about 100)  in a day, breaking my previous record of 80. I did not smoke for about 2 weeks, and now i dont even feel like smoking much unless i am in the pub. Strange. I am not smoking weed either. 

I find it similar to the sunspot activity. I realised one good thing about me - i cannot be perpetually addicted to something - anything. Possibly because i overdo everything, that the mind and the body get bored of it. Was the case with porn in my early pre teens, alcohol, cigarettes  and weed in my late twenties. I never tried anything else in terms of hallucinogens, possibly because i am too scared of injections, and also because i am scared of not being in control of myself. I am scared of letting a chemical take charge of my conscious mind. 

Right now, i am at peace, and i guess after a long, very long time, The last time i was this peaceful should be in 1998. Well, till 1998. I have always been this confused mind who never gets satisfied with anything, who was at times too aggressive and at times too lazy. Too lazy to an extent that i decided to skip my exams. To aggressive to an extent that i kept on working for a week, continuous, without even one hour of sleep, taking breaks only to eat and to take a loo break. I have lost the aggression long time back, but the laziness hooked on to me. I should say the hard work payed off. My vision on life was never clear till recently, I felt like no one or like a loser, felt confused on many things in life but arrogantly decided not to listen to advises. I sticked to being myself,  Ignored the warning of hell when i decided to be an atheist, ignored the warning if i do not clear my exams in time, and ignored the warning  of a wayward life. True, I never was popular, never made decent savings for someone my age and in my industry, and never made it through the matrimony industry.  But, as years roll by slowly, i can actually see myself leading a life i actually wanted in my childhood. I never actually wanted to make money, never actually wanted to get married, never wanted to be employed in a multinational company with a huge pay packet. I did travel well as i wanted, i do what i like for a living, and i have the ulitimate. Freedom. Cant ask for more. 

What i never thought that i would need, is the partner. Not a wife, a partner. May be not even a partner, someone i can do things i like with. Somebody with which i dont need any commitments, Some one with whom i dont have to fall in love with. 

Where things simpler when i had a screwed up life? All i had to do is to get drunk and sleep. I had a solution for every problem. When most of the problems i used to have are no more there, I find it complicated. I am peaceful, but i dont feel like getting drunk. i miss that pleasure of sinking into sleep happily after getting drunk after a bad day. I dont get that same feeling anymore. 

may be i should not think much. May be i should TRY to smoke up. 

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the Hitchhiker is back.

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I dont remember the last time I did this. Should be 10 years back, when i was well in my  early twenties, when i did not have much money with me, but had this immense hunger to travel, to see places. I would go out to random places, unplanned, without any schedule or map, and come back when all the money is spent. I used to sleep in bus stands, foot paths, and where ever it was cheap. The bulk of the expense was batteries to my old BPL walkman, which played cassetes, and possibly the cheap hotel i would take for an hour to fresh up or to use the toilet. 

As time went by, the general compartment in the train gave way to Airconditioned coaches, and then trains gave way to flights. The lifts i used to take in long distance trucks gave way to cabs. The cheap hotel was replaced by decent, expensive hotels. Well, travelling was no more fun. 

Last saturday made me realise the one thing i miss. The curiosity and the hunger to do the unknown, to explore the unexplored. Those days, we did not have ATMs, Mobile phones, google maps, and not even a decent digital camera. So after getting drunk in a couple of pubs, i decided to do it, again.

So I took off, straight, with a pair of bathroom slippers, a shorts, (I realised i was not wearing an underwear later in the bus) a t shirt, and my jacket. There was no charge in my basic phone, so mobile phone was switched off. I took a 1000 bucks from the ATM so that I will not visit ATM till i am back. And then, i took the first bus to hospet. The plan was to go to Humpi, roam around, and do what ever i felt like doing. 

I reached Hospet in the morning, and i desperately wanted to fresh up. The hotel guy refused me a room, as i looked suspicious without a luggage. I manged to bribe him a 100 bucks, to let me use a room for half hour. 

I revisited the old times, wandering without a destination, stopping by and not worrying about what i missed to see in humpi. When i got tired, i sat down the side of the road and watched people. When i could walk, i walked. I played with the monkeys and dogs and cat on the road, kept watching the beggars on walkway, spent an hour doing nothing at a small shack where i took masala tea and omlette, and sat amused looking at the huge boulders. I imagined myself to be the king of the bygone era, I imagined the people around me to be the masses who will want to queue up to see the king. Then the thought wandered to Manthri the Tantri of "tinkle", and I just let the thoughts come and go. 

Isnt this what i always did, when i did not have a single penny in my hand? And now, when i have money and time to spare, why do i visit the crowded city pubs and drink? 

I was always happy travelling alone, because i get to do what i feel like doing. But now, i realise i do miss a partner to share that beautiful scenery with. When i was the sun rise as a red coloured disk, i felt the urge to wake up a girl and show the beauty of it. That is the hormones playing with me, but then, the trip went fine. I did not spend anything other than the food, which cane to less than a 100 bucks. and the bus to and fro from Bangalore, which came to 560. and the 100 rupee bribe to the hotel guy. 

I did not have to use a google map, a mobile phone, internet, ATM, or anything electronic. I did not even use an earphone. I am very happy for that. I can still do it, and feel good about it. 

Now, its just a question of, where next. I cant wait, I cant wait to hitch hike. Next time, no more buses. Its going to be the trucks hitting the highway. Or may be my bicycle. 

I guess the traveller in me is back. After all there are a hell lot of places i have never seen in Karnataka. I am already excited. 

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of losers and winners.

::

Loser. 

This word has been of interest to me lately. I always wondered what that could mean. It made perfect sense when two people has to compete with certain common goals, like the stupid cricket match. The term loser is well defined there. Or any other games, as all games has the sole purpose to determine the winner and loser. 

So when it comes to real life, where, I believe, we are not in a competition with anyone or anything, how cane we probably call someone a loser or winner? unless we agree on the guidelines of books which says "you can win" or "ways to be successful" or stuff like that??

So i googled for the definition of "loser", and the urban dictionary gave out some interesting results:

Loser:

"A disgusting person with no future, except for lung cancer, if that counts as a future. This person is really nasty and reeks of smoke. They have no ability to make effective decisions and therefore make a lot of stupid mistakes in life. They tend to spend money unwisely and have no idea how to get ahead or improve themselves, if they even care to think about it. A loser has such disdain for the world they live in that they just toss trash (for example cigarette butts) on the ground. They are filled with such self-hatred that they don't even really care to quit smoking. Basically a loser is lower than human shit, and they are that way of their own making."

Loser:

"People who have little or no contact with people because they are afraid of being rejected again like they have been before. Therefore they have no friends. They usually have a low paying job or aren't very successful in school if they are in currently getting an education. They do not have any talent what so ever. And are sometimes pot heads or alcoholics.

The loser committed suicide because he could not continue knowing that he was a loser."


Damn these people who defined all these things. If they had not defined, i would not have to look and see if my profile matches any of these. I also wanted to browse for the meanings of words i never understood, like "selfish", "jerk", "stud", "bitch", "slut", this and that. Qualities which we all accuse people of, not knowing everyone has their own definition of all these words, These words, man made obviously, brings a lot of sadness into people, make people scared of their own self, make people feel they are not doing the right thing. 

I do fit very well into the two above definitions, as i smoke well, i never took any effective decisions, never managed money, never wanted to improve, have a very very small social circle, and dont have any particular "talent". If that makes me one, well, let it be, I think i am very comfortable with the way it is now, and i dont plan or intend to change it any time in the near future. 

Damn these literature guys. Wish we where like cats, we just have a few limited type of meows, to convey "i need food", "this is my territory", "get lost", "lets have sex" and "i am going to sleep - dont disturb"

The more granular and refined you are in expressing what you feel, or the more vocabulary you have, the more vocabulary you will have to use to fix things up.


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life % sex

::

life is like sex. if you dont take it slow, it will end up in a pre mature ejaculation.
gives you a feeling you did it, but without a feeling.

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Weird thing called learning from life

::

I guess the earlier stages of my life where less eventful. Events where more or less predictable. The people around me did not change much, and the values and principles by which most of the people around me lived where more or less the same. So any behaviour which deviated from the so called set of unwritten rules were  objectionable, and something which should not be done. I always wanted to break off from most of the rules, but did abide to most of them, as i thought it is/was the way things should be. 

The first break off was be turning to an atheist  That happened when i was about 12 years old. I don't exactly remember the incidents by which i became one, but it was a hard road. When doubts of existence of God came in, i would pray to God to forgive me for doubting him. I was scared of him punishing me for the disbelief. For some reason i still don't know, I became convinced that God did not exist,  and became a good non-believer by the time i turned 14. And as every year passed by, my conviction grew only stronger.

The second break off would be the decision of not getting married. That was even a tougher one. The idea got into my mind when i was really young, may be when i was 13 years old. Till then, i did have fantasies of how my wife would be, how the first night would be, and how i would initiate the first time sex. Pre marital sex was a no - no, it was a crime that i could not think of committing. I could not imagine my wife to be a non virgin, and i could not think why, somebody would commit that crime. Well, that was my pre-teens. At the same time, I wanted to be the hero in the action movies that i used to watch. So I wanted to be the super hero policeman who will bash up the bad guys and rescue the damsel in distress, or save the world from the evil clutches of Amreesh puri. But, in all of them movies, the wife/lover/family of the hero would be held ransom by the bad guys, which i found a bit complicated. In some movies, they even killed them. Now that is unnecessary and complicated. I have to save the world, as well as the wife and the family. So i decided not to get married, so that i only have to save the world. Well, those where my first thoughts on not having a family. 

As i grew up, i decided not to get married, because i doubted relationships. I started to question the institution of marriage, as i saw, in real life, the wife sleeping  with someone else when the husband is not around. I saw instances when the Husband would cheat on the wife. It hurt me a lot, and it got scary, as i had thoughts of my wife in fantasy cheating on me. Possible, yes, may be, but what if?

As I grew up, i travelled more. I got out of my environment which thought me that marriage is a rosy affair, and that everyone should get married. i started to see real life, i interacted with people of different states, cultures, countries. I saw different outlooks, i saw different lifestyles. I started to drink and smoke, which was the third major breakaway from the rules i set in my childhood. Everything turned upside down, and all the faith i had in life had to be erased and re - written. 

And as everyday rises, another faith that i had had t be re - written. The pain to do that, and the pain i had to go through when i realise things are not the way i thought it is, is hard. I no more expects my life partner to be a virgin, in fact i want someone who is not. I realise it is possible for the wife to cheat me, and i have to learn to live with it. I realise money is nothing, i realise i will have to hurt someone somewhere for me to be happy. I realise I dont have to life for a goal, i realise, i will never be a good father. And even now, every rule that i live with, had to be re - written by myself, so that i feel better everyday. If not, I will be upset that that particular rule is broken.

Every day, every incident changes me, my views, my outlook. I realise i dont have that thing called ethics. I realise i am breaking off from every rule that people around me have. And that means I will be the loser as per public opinion, that means i will become the outcast, that means i wont fit in. That means i become the example of what someone is not supposed to be. And that means i am mostly the laughing stock when i am n a gathering. 

Deep down inside, there are some writings, some values, which has gone faint, but not gone. No matter how hard i try to erase them, it refuses to go. And when i try to break off from those rules, it hurts. It hurts bad. real bad. 

I need money and occasional sex to live. I guess that is what i am reduced to, now.

::

Let go.

::

I have to learn to let go.

::

Stupid me.

::

Life, always has its own surprises. You plan events, expecting things to work out the way you wanted it to be. You expect people to behave the way you want them to be. All of the actions, are based on, your expectations on the reaction of the world, as you see it.

The pani puri vendor on the road expects you to give him the 10 bucks after you have eaten his stuff. He gets upset and behaves different if you dont. Your boss expects you to deliver that code by 6 30 in the evening, and if you dont, hell will break loose. Your boyfriend expects you not to sleep with that guy he suspects you like. Your mom expects you not to drink. You expect your wife to give you a blowjob tonight. You get upset, when she does not. Even the great GOD expects you to pray to him. If you dont, he is displeased. So this thing, is universal. I have no idea what Sun expects from earth, but i guess she( i dont see a dick in the photographsof sun, but i do see holes in the form of sunspot -  As for earth, we have mount everest.)  expects earth to revolve around it, failing which, earth will be swallowed. 

I got real upset today. Many things i wanted to, did not work out as i expected. But then, when i looked back to about 15 years, I never expected me to be like what i am right now. I never expected to smoke tobacco or weed, i never expected me to drink, and i never expected me to be wayward as i am right now. I dont think i am unhappy about the way i am now, because, in the end, i am having the freedom that i always wanted. Freedom to do anything i want, without worrying about what the people close to me will think. What i had to sacrifice, was the same set of friends, people who was close to me, a good job which might have made me real rich, a beautiful hot wife, and a lot of things which defines to be the most important things to have in life. 

I earn just enough to pay my pub bills, to fill the fuel in the car, to pay the loan for the small piece of land i bought, and to eat good food. Fair enough, that meets my basic requirements. 

What i dont know is, what to expect from life. I have always went along the flow, did things never worrying about the consequences. Which made me directionless. Life has become all about satiating my needs, for the moment, whatever it my be. 

So this girl came into my life. not as a lover or as a life partner, but as a simple friend. Its all about passing a couple of hi, or about talking senseless things over the internet. Which did make me feel good. I guess i will be expecting things from her as we get to know each other well. And when i dont, as per my universal theory, i will get upset. And i dont want things to upset me. May be, logically, i should not even start the relationship.

But it seems to be business as usual, i live for what i need right now, and it seems i will defy all my well developed logic and do things my brain asks not to do. 

Let things be. After all, even the mighty GOD gets upset over silly things. I should, as always, live for the moment. 

:: 

Sweet taste of rum

::

I walked all my way
to my good ol ale house
with my eyes so lit up
with a smile on my face

And as i walked in
saw the neon lights so dim
and he stood near the gate,
its a dry day dear sir!

The smile all went down
and the eyes all drooped down
As i walked back my way
on a day with no rum

the world is so hard
to the poor heart full souls
when the black day he comes
thats the day with no rum

i took all them bottles
the old empty ones
and shook them with hope
got three drops of rum

And nothings feels good
than sleeping late night
with a girl on your arms
and the sweet taste of rum.

::

Blue sunday.

::

---- Just another day in my life. For no reason felt like putting it up in the blog.

8 15: Call from my friend, From Australia. His cousin, our age ,who I know, had died.

Died in a bike accident. In bangalore.
Survved by a young wife, a 3 year old daughter and a 2 month old son.
Was to fly to US of A next month.

Got out of bed. made black tea. Straight to the computer.
Did not feel like working. Random thoughts came in and out.

Every one was sad about the widow. and the kids. Now they are sad because he had a kid. It was better, if not fine, if he did not have kids.

But then, everyone were happy when the kids where born. The irony.

I should play a game. Age of Empires. the very first version. The same one we played in 1999, on our college days.

First game, lost.
Time to pot.
Second game, lost.
Made black tea again.
Took out the wheat bread, made bread omlet.
And then some with Pinapple Jam.

Third game, lost. Damn.
Forth game, almost about to win after 2 hours of play. Fuck, i accidentally pressed the power button, and I did not save.

Its about 2. Felt bored. Watched porn. Even bored.

Back to the game.
Won, at last.

Played again. won. damn, it is 5. There is a live band playing at the pub. I need to take the dress from laundry. All i have is a full sleeve shirt, and i am not wearing that with the shorts to the pub.

One more game, and i will go.
one more game, and it was 6 30. Just half hour for the happy hours to end. Chuck the laundry.

Took the old over sized t shirt, sprayed AXE all over, that should take care of the smell.

Too lazy to ride the bycycle. took the auto.

Just made minutes before happy hours.

500. 500 is all i am going to spend today. I kept repeating all over again. I jat have 3k till the salary comes. which will be after 5th.

500. Dont spend more than 500. Drink beer. Cheapest.
No, beer depress me.

Looked at the bartender. He smiled his usual wicked smile.
I said old monk.
No old monk !!!

He said, have whiskey, sir. Have glenlivet. He knew my old fav.
450 for 30ml. No way.
Fuck the 500.

Chivas, 2 large please.
and that is 350 for 30. 1400 for 2 large. 420 discount. its a 1000 bucks. fuck it, i am having it.

And the band played. not bad, decent. Pretty decent for a band who have been playing for just 3 weeks.

Sipped the whiskey, slowly. Lot of hot chicks around. Lot of them.

Felt out of place. I hate it when there is too much of crowd.

Then a girl took my lighter, without even asking me, and vanished.
I chased her, and saw her giving it to a friend of hers.

I got pissed.

I walked to her friend, and demanded the lighter from her.

At least i got it back.
Ordered chicken fried rice. Yummy. One of the best i ever had.

Enjoyed the music. I saw the girls and guys dancing to led zeppelin - Black dog. No way you can dance with that song, but they did.

I hate it when couples dance like salsa to a classic rock song. It is not just meant to be. Shake your head, not the hips.

Pub closed, payed 1200.

Walked back. Saw the lead singer. shook his hands, and said he did a good job.

He said he was happy hearing it from me..

(me? why me? its the same thing - He thinks, as many of them, mostly due to my long hair, that i am a great musician or something.)

I did not correct him. I did not want to tell him i am just another guy with a long hair, and that i cannot sing half as good as he sings.

Walked back.
Counted the cigarettes i smoked in the last 4 hours.
hmm.. 20.
No wonder i have the chest pain.

Bought 5 more, as I walked back. I need it for the night and for the next day when i pot.

Reached home. could not sleep.

Played again. till 2.30 in the morning. Feeling slightly asleep. I should sleep now, after all, i have won the last game.

Series of thoughts came in as i got down to bed. The thought on how the widow will recover, the thought on if i should ever marry, the thought on what will happen to my kids if i ever have kids.

I would rather let the wife die, and i live in pain, rather than I die and let them in pain.

I cannot die now. At least I cannot suicide. Not until  both my parents are dead.

::

Sweet little thing

::

It was intoxicating
than any alcohol i ever had
than any high i ever had
the kiss remains the best
it was much higher than heaven

Long lost.

two years later
i still badly miss
the sweet little thing.
badly.

I still will not
have that sugar cane juice
alone.

::