Looking back

::

My mind does not feel good now. In fact, it feels terrible. Sleepless nights, unsettling thoughts, and emptiness fills most of the neural paths. Well, it is normal, considering the circumstances and the environment i am with right now. 

Well, things were worse. Or had been worse. There were times when i saw death when i didnt want to see it, times when i tried to die when i didnt want to live. Times when i starved because i did not have money to buy food, times when I felt too lonely. Times when i could only see nightmares where i am stabbed or beheaded, times when i am guaranteed a nightmare every time i go to sleep. Times when i had not laughed from my heart for years. Times when i slept at the bus stands because i could not afford a cheap hotel. Times when I had payed a girl to just hug and sleep without sex. Times when I was scared or rather phobic of laughter and good times.  And the list can go on.

On the other side, most of the things i wanted, i had. Even though I had my lives struggle to get them. I had traveled well, I had stayed in expensive hotels. I had driven my car like crazy till all the adrenalin was consumed by blood. Times when i indulged in the most expensive spas, times when i had the best of fun in many pubs in different countries. Times when i drank like crazy, times when i slept well. Times when i really felt happy with someone. Times when some one said good things about me and actually meant them.

So when it goes up, it has to come down. What we dont normally remember, is, that it mostly goes up when it comes down too. 

Patience, is the most underrated. 

::

Filthy rich.

::

Filthy rich, is what i want to be, right now. I dont remember any instance of my life till now when i wanted to be rich. What i wanted, always, was enough money to fill the petrol in my car, enough money to spend twice a week on the pubs i frequent, and enough money to afford a decent, small one bed room space and enough money to have food. May be a couple of head massages a month too. I am happy, i guess if i have these.

Now, i want to be filthy rich. rich, so that, i dont have to work. the things i do might remain the same, I may not visit london for my dinner and switzerland in summer. But the very fact that I have money in my account, should comfort me. Well, it WILL comfort me. I have not started to read idiots book or book for dummies on how to get rich, for obvious reasons that none of the rich guys around must have never read those. But, the seed for that thought is implanted by some devil i met at some point  of my life, and it reminds me of the couple of lines from my favourite Grateful dead song:

Set out runnin' but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.

Go watch ::
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XacvydVrhuI&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLD92750DDDCFAE98A

Well, i may not become filthy rich, but I guess the desire is building up. And I do fear i will lose my waywardness, that I will lose myself. Well, blame it on the chemicals.

::

Colours of the sky is no more dead.

::

All right. I have decided to restart the sky blog. - Where I wanted to put up the astrophotographs i took.
http://coloursofsky.blogspot.in/

I have added a couple of old pics i took, may be around 2009, when i was doing well with astrophotographs. Hopefully, i will have the energy to update the blog at least once a month.

Better visit the site or else !!
:: 

That girl.

::

The day started with mixed feelings. A heavy head as the result of the excessive drinking the last night, dehydration, early morning blues and on top of that, the thoughts of her. The 'her' is the topic of the post, the her, i have seen only in a vague photograph, which came out as a result of my deep understanding of how google works. The her, whose personal details i know, thanks to the freaking privacy in the internet. The her, whose phone number i know, whose email address i know. Whose friends I know, whose where abouts i know. The her, who i think about once in about two months. or may be once a month. So, I know for sure it is not love. I know its not about living together with her, i know it is not about sleeping with her. I know it is not even to be with her as a friend. But i do not know what it is. I dont know why it is, that I want to let her know that I exist. I am scared, i dont dare. I dont even dare to send a two letter email to her. And that is very much unlike me, the me i know being impulsive and daring. I dont think the thoughts of her bugs me, because she does not come into my every day thoughts at all. But what bugs me, is to know, why, I feel like THIS when i think of her.

::

Smoking laughter

::

~ So why are you laughing all the time these days??
> its because i have started smoking

~ Why do you have to be this vague all the time??
> See, you said every cigarette i smoke takes away 5 minutes off my life.

~ ??
> You also said laughing increases my life.

::

the non living being inside us.

::

From the times I remember, I have been told that we (read human kind) is superior. Superior to all the beings in the world. That, we possess intelligence. That, we have bigger brains. That, we have emotions that other living beings does not have. That, we have better abilities to talk. wow.

The very fact that I am typing this in my lap top, which will communicate, wire less to the router down the hall, to a remote server in some part of the world, store this, and let other people see, is by itself a very complicated and interesting fact. I dont belive the cat sleeping peacefully in the yard will be able to make something like this. We are indeed, very unique.

I like to make robots, or in general machines. So, my dream machine is a robot, with near human proportions. Replicating the human body will need replications in less than nano levels.

And at nano levels, or lesser, we are just an array of non living beings !

I have to face it. We are just an array of non living things. I was true. My set of chemicals theory is true. Love, hate, anger, lust, and even the mush sort after feeling of orgasm is, just in fact, a chemical reaction.

::

(I have no idea, if you, the reader gets what i mean. It doesnt matter, but this is quite depressing for me, the feeling of depression being another chemical reaction.)
(And we are so pissed off at government and corruption and lot of other things like this.)

32

::

As a child, i always wanted to die at 32. I was scared of old age. And for some reasons which i still cant figure out, i thought i will call it quits when i hit this age.

Well, i completed that figure yesterday and i dont know if i want to die now. But if lord Yama comes in his fav ride and give me the tickets to the other world, i wont mind accepting it either. I am kind of content with what i have had in life, and there are no dreams left which will make me say - hey ! hold on, i need an another 5 years !

Saying that, I dont mind living an another 5 years either. But, i have to say i feel better than when I was in my twenties, possibly because i have less decisions to make these days. So, when you are i your twenties, you will have to plan ahead for your thirties, plan your life partner, plan your kids, plan your finances and carefully choose your career. Well, to be very frank, i gracefully messed up all of them, and here I am, single, with little bank balance to be proud of, and a not-so-great career as i do not have a full time job.

I am more peaceful than I used to be. None of my dreams worked out, none of my plans clicked, but i strongly believe the peace that i have is much better than the satisfaction i could have had when my plans worked out. I am laid back, I dont rush through my daily routine, I enjoy my bath, enjoy my coffee, take as much time i want to drink it, i dont get irritated by the traffic jams, I dont have dead lines to meet every day.

Apart from the pressure from my folks to get married and a recent financial crunch due to my quitting my job, I am having an eventless life. The life I started to enjoy so much, that I think is the way i want to live for the rest of my life. And I dont mind Yama dropping a visit tomorrow, and I dont mind him dropping a visit a decade later.

:: 

same old story

::

I will never learn from mistakes.
I was at peace when i was alone.

::

in to the beer bottle.

::

I have quit drinking many times. And that seems to be the best part of it. You can actually quit as many times you want.

::

Alcohol, weed and orgasm seems to be the best things in the world  bestowed to mankind. And all of them are deemed partly illegal or unethical in many parts of the world. And we all believe human beings to be the best in terms of intelligence.

::

I had serious problems with the throat and the ear because of the cold beer at night. I solved the problem by replacing the bed coffee with a bottle of beer. It works real well, in fact extremely well.

::

So I have not been blogging for more. Sadly, i realize that i should have been blogging more to satisfy the needs of the world.

::

I have quit the job. I am jobless now.

::

I am very happy and depressed at the same time.

::

Everything.

::
Money cannot buy you everything.
Sadly, you dont need that everything to live.
::

Moving on.

::

It seems the smoking has slowly started to take a toll on me. As body gave a better and bigger signal than the brain, I have not smoked a single cigarette in the last two days. So, my last two days were pretty smokeless.

Mumbai gave me mixed days, I met a couple of people i wanted to meet, and had a good time. But strange, I felt normal. I did not feel that anxiety at all, when i meet people who i have never met. I was calm, normal, mostly myself. Now that is strange.

The last day was spent in Lamington road,  browsing electronic stuff. Not far away was Kamathipura, the red light area. As I walked around MS Ali road, I could feel the night life of the red light area starting up. The streets were busy, road side vendors making all kind of eatables, Pan wallas, and people selling stuff I had no clue about. I saw ladies, exaggerated make up, cleavages, and a lot of thighs. But all their eyes have lost the sparkle. The lips might smile, the legs might spread, there could be sweet talks, but, I wished I could see a single eye with a bit of glow called hope.

I did not feel bad as usual. I was feeling strange. I was trying to fix my stuff, and i guess, for the first time, I prefered to take care about my stuff before i worry or feel bad about a strange who, in my assumption, looks sad. What I wanted, is direction. What I wanted, is loads of money. Or may be,  a compatible companion. or may be, I should drop off every thing  and become a naked swamiji in the remotest corner of an estranged jungle where I can get fruits that i can pluck, water to drink round the year, and a few vegetables to eat, and a horny girl to walk into the forest, accidently, and falls for me for two hours.

None of these thoughts seem to work.
That was when I saw this old barber shop - with a thin man with a smile sans two front teeth.

As like a divine intervention, I walked in, asked him to give me that head massage I always wanted to have. There was this Navarathna Oil, and due to my long hair, he had to use a machine (Read crude AC motor) tied to his hands for the massage.

The head massage did not make me a rejuvenated man. But The head did feel good. So, I headed to Leopolds, had fish and chips and a couple of beer.

I got a three - chair table. I looked at the two empty chairs and wished they were there.
Morning, I woke up different. I woke up aggressive. Every minute, I know I will have to move on. I will have to do what I like, and I cannot, no more, treat myself bad.

The flight to calicut almost killed me. The violent shake, visibility issue at the airport, and the even rough landing made me think I was gone.

And When we landed safe, I looked around. The man on my right was thanking god, he was kissing the cross thrice. The man on the front was praying all the while. Everyone seemed to be relieved.

I felt nothing. Thats when I realise, I am happy with things, and I have nothing left to do - I have no more dreams, and I have no more things to live for.

May be, thats what I have to sort out.  and move on.

::

Long post. not drunk. 

In and out. and then, out.

::

Marriage, is what i am talking about.

So for some time now, i was having the thought of getting married. For some time, quite seriously. And it went to an extent, that i went and met someone - at her home with her mom and dad and brother - a couple of months back. That did not work out ( i still dont know why - i was not given a reason :D) and I am still unmarried.

I have never wanted to get married when i was a kid. But as years went by, the number of people around me got thinner. As they say, man is a social animal, and I, being man, is supposed to have someone with me. And since I aint gay, that someone has to be a woman.

So I sat and wondered if I actually wanted to get married to. May be I wanted. May be I am scared of the responsibilities. May be I am scared of losing my freedom that i have right now. I have a nomadic life, and I dont worry what time i should get back home. In fact, I never get back home, i always end up in a random hotel room, at some part of the country. I dont worry about future much, i dont save. I dont worry about my health much, i smoke and drink. I dont know if i will sacrifice all this for a woman that comes into my life. I am quite a selfish person, and I have no idea how to make people happy, and I am not worried if they are happy or not.

May be i will change when i get married. But then, i want to change for the right person.

I am not going to search anymore. If there is a person like that, she will come to me.

Things were never this clear for me for some time.

its out for now. No more matrimony searches.

pss: Man is a social animal. So, if i have those animal instincts, its NOT my fault.

::  

Images and solutions.

::

Where are my thoughts that believed nothing can be believed in? May be the ever aging time gave me reasons to justify my inherent drive to do nothing. My views are getting shut to the obviousness of life. My eyes see images of life as an accumulation of aminoacids and proteins. Where is the innocent lens that i used to look people at. Where is the curiosity of the child that made me ponder. Where are the dreams that i loved the night for. Where are the images of suspense that made my heart skip a beat. 

You just cant break everything into smaller pieces and try to solve them. Especially if you dont actually have to solve them.

::

Idiots book on love.

::

The best guy to write a book on love will be the one who got a broken heart, over and over.

::
I am not one, but I am trying to write one.

Cast away with irritating people.

::
When I saw the movie Cast away, i felt bad. Felt bad because i had similar kind of Idea for a film long time back. But unlike in the movie, I was not married. No, i didnt have a job either.

That thought could have been, possibly, because, when things went out of hand (as usual) i wanted to resort to a place no one can find me. No internet, no phone, no electricity. Where i could be un reached, where i could be alone doing nothing but eating and sleeping. May be, i can also do some cave art when bored.

As years went by, I started adding characters to my fantasy. What if i got stuck with a damsel in distress? What If i got stuck with a super rich guy and then save him from a wild shark/crocodile/bear/tiger/giant sea monster and in favour he gives me half(or may be three fourth) his wealth as we return? (Of course, i will get laid with the damsel in distress !!)

But then, i could not add any more characters. It seems these are the only tow people i want to be with when I am cast away on this deserted island where no one can reach to. No one else, seem to fit into the scene. A hard rock band wont do, they are useless without distortion, for which electricity is not available.  Teenagers/kids/old people stay away, I dont want to take care of anybody.

But what if, i got people who I love to hate? If that is the fate, I will see that i make life horrible for them - not the other way round - like , if I got stuck with menaka Gandhi, I would sbe eating fish and rabbit aroud her. And if i got stuck with  Anna Hazare, i would be drinking rum and whiskey(whichever is available) all the time, around him. And If, it is the stupid teenager, all I have to do is throw away the iphone/tablet into the water, and he or she is doomed for life.

How can somebody spoil my day?
It is too easy i guess. The very sight of people I hate spoils all my day.

Sigh.
I think i need that damsel and the lonely island. (With life time supply of whiskey/rum and cigarettes and cannabis.)

::

getting estranged

::

Yet again.

::

Travel partner

::

Strange, but i want a travel partner.
Just to travel with.

Have no idea where to get one.
::

Of Anna, lokpal and shit.

::

Thats it. He pulled the plug in this.

Anna Hazare has been in the news for long now. I wont want to go into details, but

Who the F*** does he think he is?

Giving ultimatum to the elected government. ?? What right does he have for that? Just because he has some followers, does that mean that he can dictate stuff to government, and threat?

As if, the bill is going the change India to Paradise. No one knows about the bill, every freaking A**hole thinks every freaking thing he does is right.

Why do we need a government then? We can all very well ask him to rule the state.

Sadly, people are so blind - to blame everything on government. Government did not come from thin air, they are just a reflection of what we all are.

If the government need to change, WE all have to change.

To - All those assholes who support him, fast with him and shit with him - if all of you, who claims to be a "HUGE" portion of Indian population, change yourself, take pledge NEVER to give bribe, obey traffic rules, DO not litter, support indian products - you will achieve what you claims you want to achieve.

But how can you? You people have no idea or individuality, that you are like slaves, who need someone to tell you what you are to do.

To The media who projects him - if you think Anna is following Gandhian Principles, you are wrong. I am not a Gandhian, but its very easy to see he has nothing to Do with the principles of that great man.

All he did in the last few months is, to threaten the government, Campaign against the congress (I am in no way a congress supporter) and speak non sense.

I know I got carried away, but this guy is irritating- very irritating.
::

Your time, your life

::
never give your time to people
if you are not sure that you will get it back from them.

::

The set of chemicals theory.

::

this post reminded me of one of my old theories - the set of chemicals theory which can define human beings.

So, if you split parts of human being, to its minutest form, we can conclude that we are, nothing but a set of chemicals combined together. And we do not 'think' and make decisions, the chemicals re arrange according to external stimuli, the net result of it, is what we decipher as 'thinking'.

No one usually agrees to me in this, but  wtf. I strongly believes in it, cause It is my own. :P

its just like the river. as the river flows, it do a lot of things. it filters on its own, and do something related to external stimuli - like heat, excess water etc. Human beings, or any other 'living' being as we call it, are just like that, but with more complex processes.

Blame it on the neuro transmitters and motor neurons. Its all their fault.

::