The long and winding road.

The road was clean. Apart from little pools of water that reminds me of the rain yesterday, the road was inviting. Thin layers of mist surrounded the car, accompanied by cool breeze. The sun was not yet born for the day. The scenario was perfect for a long drive. Just the kind of start I wanted.

Yesterday was rather hectic. I am no planner, even though I am always teased for my planning. Magazines, and experienced people always reminds me and preach about the planning and preparations for a long journey of my kind. Advices, suggestions and strict orders are always on the line. Well, I had my own list of schemes anyway.

I armed myself with nonsense commonsense, huge volumes of passion, great measures of laziness, and insanity as required. I used to have a collection of aggression of various kinds, which I have lost one by one, on my previous ventures. Mixed variety of emotions and mild volumes of explosive sensitivity have taken their place.

The tyres on my car are tired, they need expensive replacements. Fuel level remained insufficientas usual. Brakes were hardly serviced, for they were hardly used.

I have started off anyway. All set. Or I believe all set. Or so, I thought.

I Knew I forgot something. I knew something is missing.

The map.

Well, I even do not know where I am driving to. I guess i do not need a map for that kind of a journey.

Never. Ever.

Its been some days, and I still cannot believe, digest, accept, understand, come into terms or whatever with the news. Some body died, because of a heart attack. I continued to be in a good mood. I am happy. The news did nothing to my mood or level of frustration. After all, my inner self has refused to believe the news.

Jacko is dead.

I remember the first time I have started to listen to any music which is english. That was Bad. The Album Bad. He looked ackward. He had long hair which I thought looked ugly, had a glove in one hand and other weird things. He used to hold on to his crotch while he danced. Well, the music was better. I must have been a 12 yo then.

There were no CDs then. In fact, CDs were yet to be invented. A tape recorder was a luxury in and around my household. I remember we had one at home. But cassets were too expensive. So I would go to this friends place where he had some cassets, and listen to them there.

A couple of years later, and I remember I had all his albums till date. I collected all the lyrics (There was no computer, forget the internet), and would sing and dance to the music. His attire, his attitude and all other weird things were quite understandable. He was all. I never even felt like listening to any other band.

Years have passed by, and its been a long 6 years since I have listened to Jacko. Pop music has moved out of my list of preferences. But still, the photos and the pieces of videos that flash frequently on the television screen now brings in Nostalgic moments. The music was an inspiration. Was a relief. His last Album was hopeless. True. But he is irreplacable.

I am a hardcore and die hard fan of the 60s and 70s classical scenario. Led Zeppelin, Jim Morrison, Thin Lizzy, Grateful dead and Blue oyster Cult and all have no musical relation to Michael Jackson. Yet, He is the only singer, whos all songs I have heard, whos all Albums I have purchased, and He is the only singer who I have been a die hard fan in a streak for more than 5 years. Musically, I felt him better than the Beatles. And no one is ever going to sing and Dance like him.

The King of pop is dead.

Sad, the throne will never be used.

Never, Ever.

all along the watchtower again.

After 29 years, I got someone back.

Sigh.

I always wished colleges were all about understanding,

and not learning.

All they do is manufacture people who can reproduce in paper something they memorised on the day of the exam eve.

Wild, Wild, and pricky.

Yes, I knew, for some reasons, I need to blog. I need to.

I need to let out a stream of mixed and uncooked emotions. Its like you had a lot of mixed stuff down your stomach and you want to puke. You want to because you dont want to have them down your stomach. You want an empty stomach.

Yes, I need an empty mind.

People used to tell me, that an athiest CANNOT believe in fate. I disagree. I have no reason to believe GOD exists, and I have solid reasons to believe in something called fate. Fate is that something which makes me feel good when down, and that makes me feel bad when I achieve something.

Its past 12 here in singapore, its hot and I have a running nose. The climate has taken a toll on me. Its worse than India. Anyway I will be back to India in a couple of days, So thats fine.

Its not that a running nose is a possible sympton for the notorious H1N1, that bugs me now. There are a lot of things that bug me now, and I am down. Yes. I just cant make out what I am supposed to do with life.

I meet a lot of people here, and every one have family. Some have kids, some are trying hard to, and some are expecting. Well there are two small kids running around here, in the flat where I live, and they happen to be my niece and nephew.

Well, obviously, I aint married yet, but many guys my age are married and are having a couple of kids. They work, they earn money, they send home some money, they save, they spend for the family.

I work, I spend for me, doesnt give much to my parents, I waste money for no reason, I dont save, I do not have a permanent Income, I live on the edge when It comes to career, and I dont like to have My own kids. In fact, I cant imagine. I cannot imagine me raising a kid. I cant imagine me spending for my wife and kid. I cant imagine me spending for wedding. All these things seems meaningless to me, when I say that, its really hopelessly meaningless to me now.

I feel free, I feel happy and relieved when without committment to anyone. With committment, I felt bounded, I felt tied, I felt chained. I feel jailed.

But then, I am free now. but, what am I supposed to do now!

I always dreamed of holidays, and moving around with some cash. Yes, I am lucky, I have visited a few countries, have visited many places I wanted to.

I always thought, sitting on a street restaurant with a can of beer and plenty of time and nothing much to worry about is a perfect holiday. Well, it happened. but, I was bored to death.

I have terribly miscalculated about the things that could make me happy. As I go through and try hard and achieve them, one my one, by spending insanely huge amount of money that I have struggled pretty well for, I realise they dont make me feel really good. Nothing seems to make me feel good. But everything seems to make me feel bad.

The fate, as I see it, is never cruel. Well.. I have had to struggle a lot. I had gone through a series of bad luck. No good thing came to me easily, but when they came, they didnt make me feel good either. Fate, or destiny have given me enough things that I could have been happy, but whos to blame If i didnt feel it.

I know.. as an ardent believer of fate, all I have to do is go through, as even your emotions are what you get, not you take. You live, you go through, you die, and when you feel like you have solved the Jigsaw puzzle as to on why we live, the whole life seems to be too meaningless.

Everyone have this common goal of having more happy times than bad times, and thats why they study well, work hard, get a job, earn money by all possible means, have children, have fun, be happy, satiate your hunger, your ego, and your dream. The goal is, to have more happy times.

Somehow, or for reasons unknown, and will be never answered, we know there aint any formula for that. The society seems to believe in a set of rules, that they say, would give us more good times. Morality, they call it.

I have broken almost all morality rules that exist in my part of world. Ironically, those moments, are among the few moments that made me fell good, those moments are those i love to look at, sometimes. I know I have hurt many, and many have hurt me, in many ways. Cnat stop it, though.

I feel like the odd one out. I feel like the outcast. I can feel the hate showed on me by many. Yet, I perfer to be myself.

Yet, I feel at times, that I need to be loved. I have lived a major chunk of my life, without the feeling of loved and to love. Of course, I have had numerous crushes, that which lasted for one hour to that lasted for a few months. I was hopeless when it comes to meeting girls, I never used to feel bad about it, probably because I was too busy that I never seriously felt a need for a girlfriend. Yes, I had some relationships where some girls did come close to me, but it never developed - rather I didnt allow it to develop - It was too ackward. Committment was unthinkable. All I ever wanted was a one night stand - those days.

Nothing is static - I guess.

That phenomenon of aging did make me look old, and another phenomenon called alcohol have taken toll of my health, that I look bloated, horrible and sometimes, Ugly. The grown hair have only added to it, as people say. I neve used to mind, except for my tummy. Never cared what people say - all I want is long hair..

My mind have gone younger - to the likes of a teenager. The need to be loved have started poking my mind. Its strange and I am not used to that kind of an emotion. I need it sometimes, and I dont need it sometimes. For reasons still unknown, I am being routed through a road I am not used to.

I cant, and I dont have a clue what to do. Its complex, but nothing serious. I am, for sure going through a mental struggle. But I have money to eat, clothes, and a house. There are people who doesnt have all of these.

I am not worried. I feel low. I feel philosophical. I stare at myself as to why I have to make my thoughts public. There aint much people reading my blogs, but people who read them knows me. I dont think many of them expect me to have thoughts like this. I expect people to look at me in a different way, I cant say good or bad. I dont have to worry good or bad.

Because, I believe in destiny, and All that is mine will come to me, good or bad.

.

Pretense.

.

I refuse to pretend. Thats what I thought I do. But on a deeper second thought, I am not quite sure of that. I stare back at myself with another set of eyes and thats not the picture I see.

I refuse to believe that I am in trouble. I refuse to see the volcano about to erupt. I know what I do is wrong. What I am doing is exactly what I love to accuse other people of. What I do is exactly what I wonder WHY people do. I am dragging myself to a point where other people along with me can get hurt.

Still I refuse to believe it. I turn my back at the bigger picture.

May be its because of the peace of mind that I get for the time being. May be, I believe this is what I used to miss all my life. There was always many things missing, and I used to fill the missing parts with the pieces I used to get as I move on. Nothing seemed to fit in, but this.

I know this piece will fall apart as time goes. But I do not want to let it go now. I want to hold on to it as much as possible. Good things seldom lasts, and I know it pretty well.

I feel younger. I feel like a teenager. I know the number 3 is waiting at my doorstep, ready to replace the number 2. I am almost at the mid part of my life. I am scared. But I pretend I am not.

I pretend to act my age.

I refuse to think my age.

I pretend I am young.

I am getting complicated.

I am living without directions.

I am living without a will.

I pretend to be happy.

I pretend to be myself.

I pretend to love.

Or may be, I aint pretending.

I just dont even know If I am pretending or not.

I just dont even know If I am happy or not.

I just dont even know.

.

Mistakes in an infinite while loop.

I do not know how I got trapped into this. I persist to continue. Its like repeating the same old mistakes is what i was born for.

Out of the numerous little examples. The guy(me) who have read none but one novel in the last 12 years, prefer to browse through the book store at the airport. And for no reason, instinct tells him he has to read a book, right now. Yes, I was travelling on a tight budget, so I know (I REPEAT, I KNOW) every penny counts. And suddenly, from thin air, i developed a fancy towards Salman Rushdie, and I end up buying a book of him which costs me 650. Indian rupee of course. I tried reading it, and developed this affinity to deep sleep, so I stopped reading and went for a hot cup of coffee. And now the book lay besides me, sporting a sarcastic smile. I dont think I will read that book again. I know, because my room is filled with a lot of such books. Its not the first, second, third or the tenth time I am doing this.

I hate a lot of people, probably because they are doing well in life, better than me. And when I stare and peek into their way of life, I tend to realise they prefer to do the "Right" things. Right things, according to their definition turns to be right in the long run, while Right things in my definition turns to be wrong most of the time. Its time to define definitions, and as I do it, i also realises there aint better way to waste time.

So I am back into square one, trying hard to believe what I did is right. Trying hard to believe t was right to waste Rs 650 for no reason while on a strict budget. Talking to myself and convincing my brain never to regret.

For me, I am the Mr right. If I cant be the Mr right for me, how can I be to any one else?

At least for now, I have to believe I AM right.

So whats new?

.

I wanted to write something.

Guess the statement says it all.

sigh.

.

insane transactions of the brain.

Its late at night and everything seems to be so meaningless. No, its not really the time that gives the feeling. Times have become too strange that even alcohol seems to bear a meaningless name tag. Worse, even meaninglessness seams to be meaningless.

Putting it into an other perspective - Nothing seems to matter. After all, the human being is nothing but a complex arrangement of atoms and molecules in a weird manner, so that they possess a feeling of thinking. May be, the feeling of thinking is called life.

SO?

Words fail to express the feeling of a complete vacuum. Just opening the eyes wide and staring straight to the white pate wall in front of me for hours didnt give me enlightenment either. But, what persists to give me the chill to the depths of my bones, is not my career, not the multitudes of issues that i am forced to face everyday. Still, I am scared. Of the truth. Or knowing that I do not know the truth. The realisation that world exists, even if we sin or not. Even when we die or not. Even if global warming kills the entire species. Even if Third front wins the elections. Even if the world is nuked.

Sun is supposed to eat earth, anyway. So whats the point?

To live life according to a set of rules written by some unknown assholes so that we can live peacefully in heaven? Sorry, dear, I refuce to buy it. Its high time we all realise, come what may, the world cares a damn. We are too small that, the universe even do not know we exist.

And the tenth std result becomes a matter of life and death.

People fight in the streets for a matter of 5 rupees.

People kill to get heaven after death.

People marry. (I still cant understand, why they have to make it legal - why cant they simple start living together?)

People refuce to marry a particular girl because she doesnt have the right bra size.

What is that really matters?

May be, the time we all die. Then, we would know, nothing really matters at all.

Sad, we have to wait till our death to know how to live.

.

That stray thought again.

Yes, I am accused by my friends (mostly by my female friends) that I think and write only about sex. I cant get the logic. I have written more than 250 posts, maintains separate blogs on music, art and astronomy. Sex has been the main topic of post only less than 10 times, including this one. That is not even 5%.!!

Well, the accusations wont stop me writing anyway.

For some reasons, sex, or the thoughts of sex have dominated some part of my life. Guess, that will be the case with everyone, at some point of life. There has, sure been an evolution in the way I see things, from the very first time i played with myself to the time now. When I look back, I can feel the change, owing to the many incidents that happened from my childhood, through my teenage, to what I am now.

I remember the first time I watched porn. I remember the curiosity to see the female genital, and I remember the curiosity on that thing called intercourse. There was no PC available then (forget internet!!), there were no good material. Only things available was the local literature, and some black and white, unclear pics that some guys used to bring to school, and made us pay some where around 50 paise for a glance. Well - that was in the early 90's. The only education I got about the topic, was from the letters to the doctor, which used to feature in magazines. Well, that educated me quite well, and I am happy I was not mislead during my early pre teens.

Then came the society, and the ethics. These things (read porn) were labelled bad, obscene, vulgar, and every derogatory word that could be used. I couldnot find the point. I still cant, for that matter.

I remember the desperation to see a female body in my pre teens. May be that was when I was a 10 year old. Watching porn, did reduce the curiosity to a comfortable level. The frustrations of teenage has given way to manageable and controllable feelings by the time I reached college.

Something has made me feel bad, or uncomfortable, at times. The advent of latest technology and mobile phone camera have created a lot of side - issues. There is variety in the internet these days. From the stereotype and conventional porn that used to be available, things have changed to a situation where you get any type of flcks, of your choice. Porn is available matching the fantasies of all people - you can choose in terms of age, race, region, fetishes, type of sex acts, and a lot of combinations that you want. And among that, the one that people loves the most seems to be the real life ones - the hidden cams.

Thats where the mobile cams comes in. Websites are filled with leaked private moments of couples, mostly college going ones. Yes, while its enjoyable to watch them, sometimes it do make me feel bad watching them. We, unfortunately are in the era of transition, and social reforms, in terms of virginity of a women at marriage. Virginity of a man at marriage was never a serious issue, I believe. Pre marital sex happend since man kind has evolved, but it was not documented so extensively as now. Previously, women tried to hide, or tried to forget the physical relationships, and it used to work, in many cases. But its a tough call when it comes to a recorded video clip, which circulates in the net for anyone to see.

Worst, is when the society labels them, as someone who does not deserve to live in this world. Men watch, men spend hours to download, Men put up hidden cams, Men cheat women with their private moments, Men watch with wide open eyes, open the zip in no time and masturbates in no time. And then, its time to call the girl a slut, a whore, abuse her and everything.

There is some part in my mind, that stills look at these girls in a bad way, may be due to the orthodox kerala society that brought me up. But I am happy for some reason that the major part of me dont see them bad. I do feel bad about them, and I am equally disturbed on the fact that privacy is being invaded. It can happen to you, it can happen to me. Times are heading up to a situation when we have to scan for hidden cams in public toilets and dressing rooms at shops. To times that girls have to get used to being shot in the nude at the aforementioned places.

To times when men have to be prepared to marry a non virgin woman. Hard, but not hard as you think it is. all you might need is an attitude adjustment.

That, might be hard.
.

Just one of Those $%^&ing days.

.
I am able to keep my cool in this tough situation.

Surprising.Alarming.Dangerous.

I need to lose my cool to be normal.
ASAP.

indicatives.

.
I've lost the will to write.
Indicative.

(of a reduced alcohol diet.)
.

Tiny holes in the sky

Glued my eyes to the night

Wondering how, and why its dark

Opened my heart to the dark

Letting its beat fade to the void

Freed my soul  into the void

Letting it fly, into its depths

I'm waiting for the sun, to die

To pull myself, from the skies 

hmmm

Getting crazy day by day.

It was another of those hectic days. I took the night bus back to cochin, today, as I had quite a lot of work to be completed by the next day. The bus played some stupid movie as usual, denying me good sleep for two and a half hours. And After the movie was over, there was this man behind me, obviously drunk, who denied me sleep for the next half hour. 

I tried counting from one to hundred, and then back, tried imagining a lot of stuff, and somehow got some sleep. And it didnt last long.

A sudden screach, a sudden stop. The bus halted with a loud noise. As I looked around, I could see people getting out.  And as I looked outside, i could see some wires hanging outside. And as I ran to the front of the  bus I got the bigger picture. 

The bus has crashed into a post. And dragged it to quite some distance. No, two posts.  It was live wire all over the bus. I could see the sparks, i could hear them. Surprisingly, there was no panic, no fear. Everyone was calm. I took my bag, jumped out. The bus was badly hit. there was live wire all around. 

About 5 feet from the bus, was this pit, deep enough. Deep enough to overturn the bus.  Had the bus taken a second more to stop, we would all be ovrturned, with live wire all over us. Hmmm...

Still... Where is the panic??

Five more minutes, and people were talking to each other. The drunk man was a great time pass, talking silly things and people enjoyed. Some blamed the bus driver, some blamed the road.  Some were worried about reaching the destination in time. No one seems to bother that we were all lucky to be alive to reach the destination.

An Accident like this should, invoke some kind of shock, I Guess. Like when I had my first accident. Surprisingly, That was not the case. There were, for sure , many shaken passengers, who were quiet, and many, who were irritated. 

Was I excited? I guess I was. I was excited to tell people I had an accident. I was excited to have something happening like this, around me. It seemed to be refreshing. It seemed to be the change that I desperately wanted.  I seemed to be a bit happier. 

Dont know If that would be the same, if I had a serious injury. If I became disabled. Or, if some of my fellow passengers had an injury. But here I am, still excited about the event. 

The title of this post.

Period.

ha ha ha ha ha ha

.

Just realised I am the best person I can hang on to.

I regret I was late to realise it. 

.

....

.

I guess they are yet to invent an antidote to laziness. 

.

....

Here I am, again. 

Staring at the white space  called the text area where I am supposed to type doen something and then click on the "PUBLISH POST" button so that this verse can be seen by the multitudes of people who use the net. 

But, as a matter of fact, its 2.50 AM and I am supposed to sleep. I am ffeelling sleepy, really.  Head is ddown, eyes are hardly open.  I am dizzy. ans sleepy. sleep. 

Harsh. I needed to write something . may be nothing, I cant hold this no longer. giid  night. 

Of Jobs and life.

Strange. 

Another train journey and another time to meet people. Its not that i was not seeing people. I meet lot of them over a day, and i have to admit that i have to meet a lot of people who i dont want to meet. Or i am forced to. So this time around in train, as  i moved into the seat i was alloted to, i was a bit discouraged to see a bunch of old ladies lying down.  I normally do not like old ladies in train because all they do is to lie down or talk about their sons and daughters in US or UK or wherever. And of course, the money that they draw. 

And then a bunch of guys came in. I do not like a bunch of guys either. All they do these days are to play music loud on the mobile, and talk loud or things i normally do not like. 

And they started talking. Talking about the figures. I heard someone say 6.5. Now is it six thousand, or is it six lakhs? And what is it all about?

And they started talking to the ladies. And I got the summary. They are all going to Mumbai. Or, they are all going to different countries, with a job visa. Only thing is, none of them have a passport. ! The agent, as they hope and believe, will bring it in to mumbai .

There was one lady, though, who said,  straight on the guys face, that they were quite stupid.  And that its better to work in our own country. Now, I have started to like that lady !!!

Each guys paid upto 6.5 lakhs, to get a job, at this time of recession. !! Well, what i believe is, that they are either too stupid, or that they know nothing about the recession, or that they are so desparate to get a job. 

A job. Jobs are meant to get us money. Now, 6.5 lakhs, will last about 32 months, if i draw about 20,000 per month!!! Well, 20,000 at home is more than enough for me, and i believe that 32 months are more than enough to find a decent job in India.

Some things just defy logic,  or is there something  that i dont see?

On the first look, it might look like  youth has lost the faith in our counrty. Or may be that youth need more money. Or may be that they need a better living standard. 

What i believe is, These guys dont have faith in themselves. But do I have it in myself?

I used to have. 

Stranger, I do not know if I have any confidence in me at all.

As years grow by,  I am coming to know that I hardly know anything about me.  

I am not what I thought I was.

.

hmmmm,....

.

I wish Time was a commodity you could buy at a supermarket.
.

Or is it that I am plain greedy?

.