Saturday, February 24, 2007

The darkest day

hmmm.. today has been another one of that cursed days. These type of days usually came so many times in a year, but now the intensity has reduced to one or two. The day still remains black, and i hope it will turn blue in the least hopeful years to come.. how much more?? 30? 40? no i dont want to live till 50 !!!

And as i mentioned earlier, these type of days end up with never ending streams of lost thoughts. But however, i'm happy that i can overcome the trauma by myself.

Some incidents can really turn me down. And today had the biggest blow in my life. I gues, yes, it was the biggest. In all sense. When i look back at all the bad patches i had gone through, this one stands out. I dont feel like discussing it here. But i know my frustration levels have gone down - I am still in office writing codes and designing circuits rather than taking a long trip outside kerala or sinking my head in forbidden spirits.

Its rather funny.. If you have ever wondered what happens in my deranged brain when i am down..and come back surprisingly fast - in half hour!! heres what usually happens in my mind- the secret is finally out!!!!

1) My sensitive mind come to know about something - which severly damage my levels of stability
(It could be anything - from serious mental frustrations, a design failure of a project, social injustice done to a person i have not seen or met in my entire life, a fight at home ( for no reason whatsoever ), or one of my friend not calling at the promised time.. )

2) Reactions in body
I loose all control for approximately 5 minutes. People real close to me might remember me talking nonsence at times. That time, i might talk senseless things, swear in public, do strange things, etc etc. My legs feel cold and head feel really hot. A strange feeling passes through my spine. The I - am - always - hungry - and upset Stomach goes more hungry and upset

3) Blues
The next 5 - 10 minutes i think about how unlucky and useless i am to the whole human kind, right from ADAM and EVE. I think why i have to live. I understand how bad i was to my friends, and tries hard to establish i am alone in the whole universe

4) Usually happens - i call someone and people are busy
And at this point of time, i sometimes think of calling the so called people, whose phone numbers i remember. And they are called friends. And needless to say, i know these people will be busy, and i take the slightest discontent in their words for their disinterest in a long talk. The phone is back to hook.. Even if they talk, i accuse them for things they didnt do, for forgetting the basic duties as a friend ( Like guessing that i might be off mood at 5:35:34PM and calling me at the nick of the time i feel bad. for the record, they are usually 200 - 600 KMs away)

5) Blues again
I now curse these "stupid selfish" friends of mine who has forgotten their basic duty. Thoughts of dismantling "project Jobin" comes every millisecond, but i am not that courageous as i used to be when i tried it long back. "Understanding" that i am for myself, the arian character comes up (well nothing against friends - all the good friends has been nice to me. only thing i sometimes ask for too much)

6) Never Give Up!!!
Yes, i am not giving up - I had real real tough times before, and i took weeks to come out of it, thats about 5 -6 years back. Everyone asked me to believe in god, which i simply cannot.. Well - if gods playing tricks on me, and putting me down everytime he wants, i simply dont want to go down.. I AINT GOING DOWN !!!

7) And i am back !!
More energetic, more faster. Now a days the recovery comes faster. Its hard to catch me at this time..Just try if you can!!!

8) And i am back - into laziness
And as i almost finish my work - the drive is over, but the work is not finished.. I could be completed easily, but the inherent laziness inside comes into action... i am back to sleep. Till the next silly/serious thing turns me down.

Yes the toughest day till date has passed by. I am still there, alive. The self - terminating thoughts are there, in fact it was always there, every day.

And if somebody asked me - would you mind if you died today - I would say no. I dont mind.I have dreams to chase, I am so busy all the day, but nothing is as good and exciting as diving into a world you do not know.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's day

Another Feb 14 comes here, and as every years pass by, i know I am getting more distant from the cause of the day.

I do not know as to what keeps me away from the joys of the day, or what irritates me when i see articles topped with red roses on the days newspaper

I do not believe i had a serious failure with love
for i do not think i have fallen in Love
and I do not know what falling in Love feels like

That strange and sad feeling I used to have
When the chair in front of me remain Vaccant at the Restaurant

That strange and serene feeling I used to have
When I drive down the highway alone
That strange and cold feeling inside
When i stare at the stars, lying on the beach

People say someday, u'll get married cause everyone need somebody
And you should have kids So that they look after you

I do not know so many things about Love and partnership
But I do know that I know
That deep inside, i desire
The chair in front of me
at the restaurant
remain Vaccant.