Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Looking back


My mind does not feel good now. In fact, it feels terrible. Sleepless nights, unsettling thoughts, and emptiness fills most of the neural paths. Well, it is normal, considering the circumstances and the environment i am with right now. 

Well, things were worse. Or had been worse. There were times when i saw death when i didnt want to see it, times when i tried to die when i didnt want to live. Times when i starved because i did not have money to buy food, times when I felt too lonely. Times when i could only see nightmares where i am stabbed or beheaded, times when i am guaranteed a nightmare every time i go to sleep. Times when i had not laughed from my heart for years. Times when i slept at the bus stands because i could not afford a cheap hotel. Times when I had payed a girl to just hug and sleep without sex. Times when I was scared or rather phobic of laughter and good times.  And the list can go on.

On the other side, most of the things i wanted, i had. Even though I had my lives struggle to get them. I had traveled well, I had stayed in expensive hotels. I had driven my car like crazy till all the adrenalin was consumed by blood. Times when i indulged in the most expensive spas, times when i had the best of fun in many pubs in different countries. Times when i drank like crazy, times when i slept well. Times when i really felt happy with someone. Times when some one said good things about me and actually meant them.

So when it goes up, it has to come down. What we dont normally remember, is, that it mostly goes up when it comes down too. 

Patience, is the most underrated. 


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Filthy rich.


Filthy rich, is what i want to be, right now. I dont remember any instance of my life till now when i wanted to be rich. What i wanted, always, was enough money to fill the petrol in my car, enough money to spend twice a week on the pubs i frequent, and enough money to afford a decent, small one bed room space and enough money to have food. May be a couple of head massages a month too. I am happy, i guess if i have these.

Now, i want to be filthy rich. rich, so that, i dont have to work. the things i do might remain the same, I may not visit london for my dinner and switzerland in summer. But the very fact that I have money in my account, should comfort me. Well, it WILL comfort me. I have not started to read idiots book or book for dummies on how to get rich, for obvious reasons that none of the rich guys around must have never read those. But, the seed for that thought is implanted by some devil i met at some point  of my life, and it reminds me of the couple of lines from my favourite Grateful dead song:

Set out runnin' but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.

Go watch ::

Well, i may not become filthy rich, but I guess the desire is building up. And I do fear i will lose my waywardness, that I will lose myself. Well, blame it on the chemicals.


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Colours of the sky is no more dead.


All right. I have decided to restart the sky blog. - Where I wanted to put up the astrophotographs i took.

I have added a couple of old pics i took, may be around 2009, when i was doing well with astrophotographs. Hopefully, i will have the energy to update the blog at least once a month.

Better visit the site or else !!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

That girl.


The day started with mixed feelings. A heavy head as the result of the excessive drinking the last night, dehydration, early morning blues and on top of that, the thoughts of her. The 'her' is the topic of the post, the her, i have seen only in a vague photograph, which came out as a result of my deep understanding of how google works. The her, whose personal details i know, thanks to the freaking privacy in the internet. The her, whose phone number i know, whose email address i know. Whose friends I know, whose where abouts i know. The her, who i think about once in about two months. or may be once a month. So, I know for sure it is not love. I know its not about living together with her, i know it is not about sleeping with her. I know it is not even to be with her as a friend. But i do not know what it is. I dont know why it is, that I want to let her know that I exist. I am scared, i dont dare. I dont even dare to send a two letter email to her. And that is very much unlike me, the me i know being impulsive and daring. I dont think the thoughts of her bugs me, because she does not come into my every day thoughts at all. But what bugs me, is to know, why, I feel like THIS when i think of her.