Monday, October 29, 2012

Weird thing called learning from life


I guess the earlier stages of my life where less eventful. Events where more or less predictable. The people around me did not change much, and the values and principles by which most of the people around me lived where more or less the same. So any behaviour which deviated from the so called set of unwritten rules were  objectionable, and something which should not be done. I always wanted to break off from most of the rules, but did abide to most of them, as i thought it is/was the way things should be. 

The first break off was be turning to an atheist  That happened when i was about 12 years old. I don't exactly remember the incidents by which i became one, but it was a hard road. When doubts of existence of God came in, i would pray to God to forgive me for doubting him. I was scared of him punishing me for the disbelief. For some reason i still don't know, I became convinced that God did not exist,  and became a good non-believer by the time i turned 14. And as every year passed by, my conviction grew only stronger.

The second break off would be the decision of not getting married. That was even a tougher one. The idea got into my mind when i was really young, may be when i was 13 years old. Till then, i did have fantasies of how my wife would be, how the first night would be, and how i would initiate the first time sex. Pre marital sex was a no - no, it was a crime that i could not think of committing. I could not imagine my wife to be a non virgin, and i could not think why, somebody would commit that crime. Well, that was my pre-teens. At the same time, I wanted to be the hero in the action movies that i used to watch. So I wanted to be the super hero policeman who will bash up the bad guys and rescue the damsel in distress, or save the world from the evil clutches of Amreesh puri. But, in all of them movies, the wife/lover/family of the hero would be held ransom by the bad guys, which i found a bit complicated. In some movies, they even killed them. Now that is unnecessary and complicated. I have to save the world, as well as the wife and the family. So i decided not to get married, so that i only have to save the world. Well, those where my first thoughts on not having a family. 

As i grew up, i decided not to get married, because i doubted relationships. I started to question the institution of marriage, as i saw, in real life, the wife sleeping  with someone else when the husband is not around. I saw instances when the Husband would cheat on the wife. It hurt me a lot, and it got scary, as i had thoughts of my wife in fantasy cheating on me. Possible, yes, may be, but what if?

As I grew up, i travelled more. I got out of my environment which thought me that marriage is a rosy affair, and that everyone should get married. i started to see real life, i interacted with people of different states, cultures, countries. I saw different outlooks, i saw different lifestyles. I started to drink and smoke, which was the third major breakaway from the rules i set in my childhood. Everything turned upside down, and all the faith i had in life had to be erased and re - written. 

And as everyday rises, another faith that i had had t be re - written. The pain to do that, and the pain i had to go through when i realise things are not the way i thought it is, is hard. I no more expects my life partner to be a virgin, in fact i want someone who is not. I realise it is possible for the wife to cheat me, and i have to learn to live with it. I realise money is nothing, i realise i will have to hurt someone somewhere for me to be happy. I realise I dont have to life for a goal, i realise, i will never be a good father. And even now, every rule that i live with, had to be re - written by myself, so that i feel better everyday. If not, I will be upset that that particular rule is broken.

Every day, every incident changes me, my views, my outlook. I realise i dont have that thing called ethics. I realise i am breaking off from every rule that people around me have. And that means I will be the loser as per public opinion, that means i will become the outcast, that means i wont fit in. That means i become the example of what someone is not supposed to be. And that means i am mostly the laughing stock when i am n a gathering. 

Deep down inside, there are some writings, some values, which has gone faint, but not gone. No matter how hard i try to erase them, it refuses to go. And when i try to break off from those rules, it hurts. It hurts bad. real bad. 

I need money and occasional sex to live. I guess that is what i am reduced to, now.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Let go.


I have to learn to let go.


Monday, October 08, 2012

Stupid me.


Life, always has its own surprises. You plan events, expecting things to work out the way you wanted it to be. You expect people to behave the way you want them to be. All of the actions, are based on, your expectations on the reaction of the world, as you see it.

The pani puri vendor on the road expects you to give him the 10 bucks after you have eaten his stuff. He gets upset and behaves different if you dont. Your boss expects you to deliver that code by 6 30 in the evening, and if you dont, hell will break loose. Your boyfriend expects you not to sleep with that guy he suspects you like. Your mom expects you not to drink. You expect your wife to give you a blowjob tonight. You get upset, when she does not. Even the great GOD expects you to pray to him. If you dont, he is displeased. So this thing, is universal. I have no idea what Sun expects from earth, but i guess she( i dont see a dick in the photographsof sun, but i do see holes in the form of sunspot -  As for earth, we have mount everest.)  expects earth to revolve around it, failing which, earth will be swallowed. 

I got real upset today. Many things i wanted to, did not work out as i expected. But then, when i looked back to about 15 years, I never expected me to be like what i am right now. I never expected to smoke tobacco or weed, i never expected me to drink, and i never expected me to be wayward as i am right now. I dont think i am unhappy about the way i am now, because, in the end, i am having the freedom that i always wanted. Freedom to do anything i want, without worrying about what the people close to me will think. What i had to sacrifice, was the same set of friends, people who was close to me, a good job which might have made me real rich, a beautiful hot wife, and a lot of things which defines to be the most important things to have in life. 

I earn just enough to pay my pub bills, to fill the fuel in the car, to pay the loan for the small piece of land i bought, and to eat good food. Fair enough, that meets my basic requirements. 

What i dont know is, what to expect from life. I have always went along the flow, did things never worrying about the consequences. Which made me directionless. Life has become all about satiating my needs, for the moment, whatever it my be. 

So this girl came into my life. not as a lover or as a life partner, but as a simple friend. Its all about passing a couple of hi, or about talking senseless things over the internet. Which did make me feel good. I guess i will be expecting things from her as we get to know each other well. And when i dont, as per my universal theory, i will get upset. And i dont want things to upset me. May be, logically, i should not even start the relationship.

But it seems to be business as usual, i live for what i need right now, and it seems i will defy all my well developed logic and do things my brain asks not to do. 

Let things be. After all, even the mighty GOD gets upset over silly things. I should, as always, live for the moment. 


Friday, October 05, 2012

Sweet taste of rum


I walked all my way
to my good ol ale house
with my eyes so lit up
with a smile on my face

And as i walked in
saw the neon lights so dim
and he stood near the gate,
its a dry day dear sir!

The smile all went down
and the eyes all drooped down
As i walked back my way
on a day with no rum

the world is so hard
to the poor heart full souls
when the black day he comes
thats the day with no rum

i took all them bottles
the old empty ones
and shook them with hope
got three drops of rum

And nothings feels good
than sleeping late night
with a girl on your arms
and the sweet taste of rum.


Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Blue sunday.


---- Just another day in my life. For no reason felt like putting it up in the blog.

8 15: Call from my friend, From Australia. His cousin, our age ,who I know, had died.

Died in a bike accident. In bangalore.
Survved by a young wife, a 3 year old daughter and a 2 month old son.
Was to fly to US of A next month.

Got out of bed. made black tea. Straight to the computer.
Did not feel like working. Random thoughts came in and out.

Every one was sad about the widow. and the kids. Now they are sad because he had a kid. It was better, if not fine, if he did not have kids.

But then, everyone were happy when the kids where born. The irony.

I should play a game. Age of Empires. the very first version. The same one we played in 1999, on our college days.

First game, lost.
Time to pot.
Second game, lost.
Made black tea again.
Took out the wheat bread, made bread omlet.
And then some with Pinapple Jam.

Third game, lost. Damn.
Forth game, almost about to win after 2 hours of play. Fuck, i accidentally pressed the power button, and I did not save.

Its about 2. Felt bored. Watched porn. Even bored.

Back to the game.
Won, at last.

Played again. won. damn, it is 5. There is a live band playing at the pub. I need to take the dress from laundry. All i have is a full sleeve shirt, and i am not wearing that with the shorts to the pub.

One more game, and i will go.
one more game, and it was 6 30. Just half hour for the happy hours to end. Chuck the laundry.

Took the old over sized t shirt, sprayed AXE all over, that should take care of the smell.

Too lazy to ride the bycycle. took the auto.

Just made minutes before happy hours.

500. 500 is all i am going to spend today. I kept repeating all over again. I jat have 3k till the salary comes. which will be after 5th.

500. Dont spend more than 500. Drink beer. Cheapest.
No, beer depress me.

Looked at the bartender. He smiled his usual wicked smile.
I said old monk.
No old monk !!!

He said, have whiskey, sir. Have glenlivet. He knew my old fav.
450 for 30ml. No way.
Fuck the 500.

Chivas, 2 large please.
and that is 350 for 30. 1400 for 2 large. 420 discount. its a 1000 bucks. fuck it, i am having it.

And the band played. not bad, decent. Pretty decent for a band who have been playing for just 3 weeks.

Sipped the whiskey, slowly. Lot of hot chicks around. Lot of them.

Felt out of place. I hate it when there is too much of crowd.

Then a girl took my lighter, without even asking me, and vanished.
I chased her, and saw her giving it to a friend of hers.

I got pissed.

I walked to her friend, and demanded the lighter from her.

At least i got it back.
Ordered chicken fried rice. Yummy. One of the best i ever had.

Enjoyed the music. I saw the girls and guys dancing to led zeppelin - Black dog. No way you can dance with that song, but they did.

I hate it when couples dance like salsa to a classic rock song. It is not just meant to be. Shake your head, not the hips.

Pub closed, payed 1200.

Walked back. Saw the lead singer. shook his hands, and said he did a good job.

He said he was happy hearing it from me..

(me? why me? its the same thing - He thinks, as many of them, mostly due to my long hair, that i am a great musician or something.)

I did not correct him. I did not want to tell him i am just another guy with a long hair, and that i cannot sing half as good as he sings.

Walked back.
Counted the cigarettes i smoked in the last 4 hours.
hmm.. 20.
No wonder i have the chest pain.

Bought 5 more, as I walked back. I need it for the night and for the next day when i pot.

Reached home. could not sleep.

Played again. till 2.30 in the morning. Feeling slightly asleep. I should sleep now, after all, i have won the last game.

Series of thoughts came in as i got down to bed. The thought on how the widow will recover, the thought on if i should ever marry, the thought on what will happen to my kids if i ever have kids.

I would rather let the wife die, and i live in pain, rather than I die and let them in pain.

I cannot die now. At least I cannot suicide. Not until  both my parents are dead.