Its late at night and everything seems to be so meaningless. No, its not really the time that gives the feeling. Times have become too strange that even alcohol seems to bear a meaningless name tag. Worse, even meaninglessness seams to be meaningless.
Putting it into an other perspective - Nothing seems to matter. After all, the human being is nothing but a complex arrangement of atoms and molecules in a weird manner, so that they possess a feeling of thinking. May be, the feeling of thinking is called life.
Words fail to express the feeling of a complete vacuum. Just opening the eyes wide and staring straight to the white pate wall in front of me for hours didnt give me enlightenment either. But, what persists to give me the chill to the depths of my bones, is not my career, not the multitudes of issues that i am forced to face everyday. Still, I am scared. Of the truth. Or knowing that I do not know the truth. The realisation that world exists, even if we sin or not. Even when we die or not. Even if global warming kills the entire species. Even if Third front wins the elections. Even if the world is nuked.
Sun is supposed to eat earth, anyway. So whats the point?
To live life according to a set of rules written by some unknown assholes so that we can live peacefully in heaven? Sorry, dear, I refuce to buy it. Its high time we all realise, come what may, the world cares a damn. We are too small that, the universe even do not know we exist.
And the tenth std result becomes a matter of life and death.
People fight in the streets for a matter of 5 rupees.
People kill to get heaven after death.
People marry. (I still cant understand, why they have to make it legal - why cant they simple start living together?)
People refuce to marry a particular girl because she doesnt have the right bra size.
What is that really matters?
May be, the time we all die. Then, we would know, nothing really matters at all.
Sad, we have to wait till our death to know how to live.
Yes, I am accused by my friends (mostly by my female friends) that I think and write only about sex. I cant get the logic. I have written more than 250 posts, maintains separate blogs on music, art and astronomy. Sex has been the main topic of post only less than 10 times, including this one. That is not even 5%.!!
Well, the accusations wont stop me writing anyway.
For some reasons, sex, or the thoughts of sex have dominated some part of my life. Guess, that will be the case with everyone, at some point of life. There has, sure been an evolution in the way I see things, from the very first time i played with myself to the time now. When I look back, I can feel the change, owing to the many incidents that happened from my childhood, through my teenage, to what I am now.
I remember the first time I watched porn. I remember the curiosity to see the female genital, and I remember the curiosity on that thing called intercourse. There was no PC available then (forget internet!!), there were no good material. Only things available was the local literature, and some black and white, unclear pics that some guys used to bring to school, and made us pay some where around 50 paise for a glance. Well - that was in the early 90's. The only education I got about the topic, was from the letters to the doctor, which used to feature in magazines. Well, that educated me quite well, and I am happy I was not mislead during my early pre teens.
Then came the society, and the ethics. These things (read porn) were labelled bad, obscene, vulgar, and every derogatory word that could be used. I couldnot find the point. I still cant, for that matter.
I remember the desperation to see a female body in my pre teens. May be that was when I was a 10 year old. Watching porn, did reduce the curiosity to a comfortable level. The frustrations of teenage has given way to manageable and controllable feelings by the time I reached college.
Something has made me feel bad, or uncomfortable, at times. The advent of latest technology and mobile phone camera have created a lot of side - issues. There is variety in the internet these days. From the stereotype and conventional porn that used to be available, things have changed to a situation where you get any type of flcks, of your choice. Porn is available matching the fantasies of all people - you can choose in terms of age, race, region, fetishes, type of sex acts, and a lot of combinations that you want. And among that, the one that people loves the most seems to be the real life ones - the hidden cams.
Thats where the mobile cams comes in. Websites are filled with leaked private moments of couples, mostly college going ones. Yes, while its enjoyable to watch them, sometimes it do make me feel bad watching them. We, unfortunately are in the era of transition, and social reforms, in terms of virginity of a women at marriage. Virginity of a man at marriage was never a serious issue, I believe. Pre marital sex happend since man kind has evolved, but it was not documented so extensively as now. Previously, women tried to hide, or tried to forget the physical relationships, and it used to work, in many cases. But its a tough call when it comes to a recorded video clip, which circulates in the net for anyone to see.
Worst, is when the society labels them, as someone who does not deserve to live in this world. Men watch, men spend hours to download, Men put up hidden cams, Men cheat women with their private moments, Men watch with wide open eyes, open the zip in no time and masturbates in no time. And then, its time to call the girl a slut, a whore, abuse her and everything.
There is some part in my mind, that stills look at these girls in a bad way, may be due to the orthodox kerala society that brought me up. But I am happy for some reason that the major part of me dont see them bad. I do feel bad about them, and I am equally disturbed on the fact that privacy is being invaded. It can happen to you, it can happen to me. Times are heading up to a situation when we have to scan for hidden cams in public toilets and dressing rooms at shops. To times that girls have to get used to being shot in the nude at the aforementioned places.
To times when men have to be prepared to marry a non virgin woman. Hard, but not hard as you think it is. all you might need is an attitude adjustment.