Alright. I am pissed off. Pissed of with the senselessness of the masses, and obviously, i think i am right.
Thing one :: There is an overwhelming support for the Delhi rape victim. Protests which left one policeman dead, protests which blames police and the government for everything, almost everyone supporting the protests at in Delhi. I refuse to accept. I, DO NOT SUPPORT the stupid protest. Call me heartless, call me a male chauvinist, call me what you want, but i do not agree to the 'enraged' mob.
Am I sympathetic to the victim? May be. But i dont want to give her more importance than the hundreds of girls who have been brutally raped and murdered all these years. Hundreds of under aged girls who have been raped, molested and killed every month. No protests of any magnitude came up all these times, why? Are those girls lesser? How come the world became so much aware of 'rape'? arent we all governed and manipulated by media? Arent we enraged ONLY because of the way the media put it? and then takeon by the social media?? Should not we be ashamed that we needed the media sensationalism to REALISE that rapes are happening in India? Who is there to stand up for all the girls who were killed brutally because she fell in love with the guy of another caste? Who is there to stand up for girls who got molested at a very young age by their own fathers and relatives, and have to grow up with the trauma? Werent we all closing the eyes to it?
I will never understand the REAL trauma of the girl, unless I am a girl myself and gone through that, or my sister or my mom or my girlfriend or wife go through that. But then, is it not the duty of every one of us to stop it before it happen, and what is the point in letting it happen and then blame the government and the police for everything?
I have a some questions to the so called 'Angry, enraged youth' -
Werent you the same guys who did not move a finger when the girl was molested for about an hour in public? You watched her and enjoyed the show, didnt you? I did not see your anger and the aggression then?
Arent you the same youth who molest girls in groups during new year eve? Wont you guys die to grope a girl when you are in the crowd and know that you will be safe?
If you see a helpless man beaten up in the road, will you move a finger?
If you see girls harassed in open, in roads and in buses, will you raise your voice?
How many of you, men, will respect girls, and how many of you will accept a non virgin girl?
And all these things - are the government doing it? Are all the molesters sent to the street from Rashtrapathi bhavan?
What i have to say to the protesters, is to shut the fuck up. If you want rape to go away, beat up guys who molest in the bus, protest when something happens in front of your eyes. Do what you can do. Blaming the government and the police will not help. It will NOT change anything. The evil in WITHIN the society, and not in the parliament and in the police station. Do your duties as a citizen. Do it first before you point your finger to someone else.
Or better, as most of you are believers in the thing called GOD, protest in front of temples and Mosques and Churches and where ever. After all, GOD is the almighty, he is supposed to guard you and he can stop all future rapes in an instant. Why dont you do that?
Have some spine. Have a spine to stand up for something when it happens in front of you. If not, just shut the fuck up.
The world has become so unnatural, that a kid cannot learn and do his things naturally. He need to learn to read and write so that he can order his underwear online, learn thousands of words so that he can use the best of language to communicate well to the fellow human beings, and he has to learn how to be 'cool' and stylish so that he can get a mate to have sex with. Animals dont have to, my cat back at home never went to grammar school, but he can very well communicate when he is upset about the fish i gave him.
So schools are set up. I should ask, why? shouldnt it be teaching primarily on how to live, how to be a good social creature, How to live so that there is less conflicts between people, on how to treat nature, on how important it is to eat ONLY what you want, on fitness, on health?
Instead, they teach on how to be successful, by pushing your friend down with your feet, they teach to hate other religion, they teach of afterlife and heaven, they teach complicated equations to make complicated machines which they thing will un-complicate the complicated lifestyle we made to make our lives better.
Is it not, why an engineering graduate become a terrorist? Is it not why the guy who drives a toyota corolla will throw garbage on to the street? Is it not why people drive bad, dangerously, and kill other people 'accidently'? Is it not why kids at schools suicide? Is it not why we all, in general, are unhappy with how much ever money we have?
And after all this 'good' education, there are people who still thinks its the end of the world today::::
Sexual content warning. :: If you are not yet 18 years old, please do read this. You will get a picture of how it was, years back, and yet, how we where satisfied :P
There is something about boys in their teenage. Their penis becomes the brain most of the time. So, long long ago, once upon a time, there lived 2 friends, in their teenage, with the penis governing the brain. Sadly, they passed their teenage in an era, when computers existed only in expensive schools and engineering colleges, and internet was unheard of. The inherent curiosity to explore (fantasise) the female genitalia always ended up with the inner wear advertisements in the local magazines and once-in-a-while somebody bringing in to the school, a black and white vague photograph of a nude lady, from god-knows-where, and paying up 50 paise to see it for a minute or so. The other option was the video cassette, which they frequently did, befriending the local video cassette rental guy. So porn came once in a month or two, after planning meticulously the venue, timing, people to attend and all. The biggest concern was electricity, as, if it goes off, the cassette remains inside, and there is no way you can get it out. None the less, the entire event management exercise to watch porn normally had a happy ending. :P
And then the two friends went to the so called 'entrance coaching' to a far away place, about 3 hours from home. There they indulged in movies, restaurants, Masala dosas, Exhibition grounds, Zoo, museum and unavoidable things like that. Evenings where spent at a local bar, even though one of them (to be later understood as me) never drank, or smoked. Something was missing. Something was missing, and then they figured out, blame it on the vagina.
They took a stroll down the famous 'circle' in that town, and lo and behold ! the small road side shack ! The famous books of those times where "fantasy" and "debonair", and Indian foreign policies where not liberal, and FDI in books where not there, for play boy to hit the market. Both of them did not have the courage to ask for the books, but since one of them seemed to be more horny, he took the courage with a stammering voice, -
Boy 2 : FFaantasyy??
vendor : illa (no) pakshe glad rags undu (but glad rags is there)
None of them knew what glad rags was. Assuming a replacement for Fantasy,
Boy 1: Sheri, athu mathi (yes, will do)
Paying an exorbitant amount of 50 bucks for that era, the boys rushed back, forgetting to have dinner they planned, and rushed to the room.
In no time, the plastic cover of the books where stripped, and the pages where eagerly flipped for divine sight of the naked boobs.
Well. Fashion magazine.
Not even a proper cleavage.
The "excitement" went down. Not actually, since neccessity is the mother of invention, and since somebody intelligent has said "seek and thiu shall find", they decided to seek, and managed to find the first erotic literature they read. a small 5 rupee book, with a semi nude girl on the cover.
Days passed, and at the end of the 12 day course, there was about 24 books, all erotica, and 3 books, which was relevant to the entrance. As the friends packed the bags to go home, the books had to be left back, and it was a tough decision they made. But where??
So they went to the railway station. They neatly placed the books into a textile shop plastic cover. And at the crowded ticket counter, Boy 2 had an idea. He kept the cover on the floor when he purchased the tickets, and since people wont look down at a crowded counter, he left it there after he got the tickets.
And in a minute, a good old man, ran upto him, and happily handed over the cover - "you should be careful with your belongings"
And in the next half hour, the friends roamed about the railway station like two inexperienced terrorists planing to place a bomb in a strategic place. Fear, lack of self confidence and a feeling of parting with their soul made them frustrated, uneasy and angry. So they had their usual Masala dosa - tea solution for the situation, and it worked !
They went out, to the almost empty parking lot for goods vehicles, and left the cover inside one of them.
Wishing the owner good luck, and dreaming about the happiness we gave to the unknown soul by gifting a treasure any potent male would want, they went back home to the wold of video cassettes and Innerwear ads.
And every time they walk past the small road side book shack, there used to be an innocent excitement coming up, the penis used to be satisfied with the cheap 5 rupee fantasies, or may be by an obscure black and white view of the vagina.
17 years passed, and Boy one grew up to be a dentist, and got married and got settled in australia, and Boy 2 after a lot of struggle became an engineer, and started drinking, smoking and all other essential activities of life, and started this blog.
And last week, as i passed by the small road side book shack at my home town, I saw them books, smiling at me, asking if i remember them. Yes, I do remember you guys, I wish i had the urge to buy you, rush home, and read you, but for once, i am sad that my penis no longer run my brain. I seriously wish it where, for the one thing i miss really in life is the innocent sexuality, the curiosity and the innocent excitement, which did die off.
Yes, WTF. My drinking has gone down, i dont feel like getting drunk much. Even though i have a drink frequently these days rather than the wednesday - sunday pub days, I dont drink much. I sometimes have a small drink before i leave to office in the morning, and have another small drink in the evening. The smoking have gone down drastically after that fatefull sunday when i smoked almost five 20 packs( yes, about 100) in a day, breaking my previous record of 80. I did not smoke for about 2 weeks, and now i dont even feel like smoking much unless i am in the pub. Strange. I am not smoking weed either.
I find it similar to the sunspot activity. I realised one good thing about me - i cannot be perpetually addicted to something - anything. Possibly because i overdo everything, that the mind and the body get bored of it. Was the case with porn in my early pre teens, alcohol, cigarettes and weed in my late twenties. I never tried anything else in terms of hallucinogens, possibly because i am too scared of injections, and also because i am scared of not being in control of myself. I am scared of letting a chemical take charge of my conscious mind.
Right now, i am at peace, and i guess after a long, very long time, The last time i was this peaceful should be in 1998. Well, till 1998. I have always been this confused mind who never gets satisfied with anything, who was at times too aggressive and at times too lazy. Too lazy to an extent that i decided to skip my exams. To aggressive to an extent that i kept on working for a week, continuous, without even one hour of sleep, taking breaks only to eat and to take a loo break. I have lost the aggression long time back, but the laziness hooked on to me. I should say the hard work payed off. My vision on life was never clear till recently, I felt like no one or like a loser, felt confused on many things in life but arrogantly decided not to listen to advises. I sticked to being myself, Ignored the warning of hell when i decided to be an atheist, ignored the warning if i do not clear my exams in time, and ignored the warning of a wayward life. True, I never was popular, never made decent savings for someone my age and in my industry, and never made it through the matrimony industry. But, as years roll by slowly, i can actually see myself leading a life i actually wanted in my childhood. I never actually wanted to make money, never actually wanted to get married, never wanted to be employed in a multinational company with a huge pay packet. I did travel well as i wanted, i do what i like for a living, and i have the ulitimate. Freedom. Cant ask for more.
What i never thought that i would need, is the partner. Not a wife, a partner. May be not even a partner, someone i can do things i like with. Somebody with which i dont need any commitments, Some one with whom i dont have to fall in love with.
Where things simpler when i had a screwed up life? All i had to do is to get drunk and sleep. I had a solution for every problem. When most of the problems i used to have are no more there, I find it complicated. I am peaceful, but i dont feel like getting drunk. i miss that pleasure of sinking into sleep happily after getting drunk after a bad day. I dont get that same feeling anymore.
may be i should not think much. May be i should TRY to smoke up.
I dont remember the last time I did this. Should be 10 years back, when i was well in my early twenties, when i did not have much money with me, but had this immense hunger to travel, to see places. I would go out to random places, unplanned, without any schedule or map, and come back when all the money is spent. I used to sleep in bus stands, foot paths, and where ever it was cheap. The bulk of the expense was batteries to my old BPL walkman, which played cassetes, and possibly the cheap hotel i would take for an hour to fresh up or to use the toilet.
As time went by, the general compartment in the train gave way to Airconditioned coaches, and then trains gave way to flights. The lifts i used to take in long distance trucks gave way to cabs. The cheap hotel was replaced by decent, expensive hotels. Well, travelling was no more fun.
Last saturday made me realise the one thing i miss. The curiosity and the hunger to do the unknown, to explore the unexplored. Those days, we did not have ATMs, Mobile phones, google maps, and not even a decent digital camera. So after getting drunk in a couple of pubs, i decided to do it, again.
So I took off, straight, with a pair of bathroom slippers, a shorts, (I realised i was not wearing an underwear later in the bus) a t shirt, and my jacket. There was no charge in my basic phone, so mobile phone was switched off. I took a 1000 bucks from the ATM so that I will not visit ATM till i am back. And then, i took the first bus to hospet. The plan was to go to Humpi, roam around, and do what ever i felt like doing.
I reached Hospet in the morning, and i desperately wanted to fresh up. The hotel guy refused me a room, as i looked suspicious without a luggage. I manged to bribe him a 100 bucks, to let me use a room for half hour.
I revisited the old times, wandering without a destination, stopping by and not worrying about what i missed to see in humpi. When i got tired, i sat down the side of the road and watched people. When i could walk, i walked. I played with the monkeys and dogs and cat on the road, kept watching the beggars on walkway, spent an hour doing nothing at a small shack where i took masala tea and omlette, and sat amused looking at the huge boulders. I imagined myself to be the king of the bygone era, I imagined the people around me to be the masses who will want to queue up to see the king. Then the thought wandered to Manthri the Tantri of "tinkle", and I just let the thoughts come and go.
Isnt this what i always did, when i did not have a single penny in my hand? And now, when i have money and time to spare, why do i visit the crowded city pubs and drink?
I was always happy travelling alone, because i get to do what i feel like doing. But now, i realise i do miss a partner to share that beautiful scenery with. When i was the sun rise as a red coloured disk, i felt the urge to wake up a girl and show the beauty of it. That is the hormones playing with me, but then, the trip went fine. I did not spend anything other than the food, which cane to less than a 100 bucks. and the bus to and fro from Bangalore, which came to 560. and the 100 rupee bribe to the hotel guy.
I did not have to use a google map, a mobile phone, internet, ATM, or anything electronic. I did not even use an earphone. I am very happy for that. I can still do it, and feel good about it.
Now, its just a question of, where next. I cant wait, I cant wait to hitch hike. Next time, no more buses. Its going to be the trucks hitting the highway. Or may be my bicycle.
I guess the traveller in me is back. After all there are a hell lot of places i have never seen in Karnataka. I am already excited.
This word has been of interest to me lately. I always wondered what that could mean. It made perfect sense when two people has to compete with certain common goals, like the stupid cricket match. The term loser is well defined there. Or any other games, as all games has the sole purpose to determine the winner and loser.
So when it comes to real life, where, I believe, we are not in a competition with anyone or anything, how cane we probably call someone a loser or winner? unless we agree on the guidelines of books which says "you can win" or "ways to be successful" or stuff like that??
So i googled for the definition of "loser", and the urban dictionary gave out some interesting results: Loser:
"A disgusting person with no future, except for lung cancer, if that counts as a future. This person is really nasty and reeks of smoke. They have no ability to make effective decisions and therefore make a lot of stupid mistakes in life. They tend to spend money unwisely and have no idea how to get ahead or improve themselves, if they even care to think about it. A loser has such disdain for the world they live in that they just toss trash (for example cigarette butts) on the ground. They are filled with such self-hatred that they don't even really care to quit smoking. Basically a loser is lower than human shit, and they are that way of their own making."
"People who have little or no contact with people because they are afraid of being rejected again like they have been before. Therefore they have no friends. They usually have a low paying job or aren't very successful in school if they are in currently getting an education. They do not have any talent what so ever. And are sometimes pot heads or alcoholics.
The loser committed suicide because he could not continue knowing that he was a loser."
Damn these people who defined all these things. If they had not defined, i would not have to look and see if my profile matches any of these. I also wanted to browse for the meanings of words i never understood, like "selfish", "jerk", "stud", "bitch", "slut", this and that. Qualities which we all accuse people of, not knowing everyone has their own definition of all these words, These words, man made obviously, brings a lot of sadness into people, make people scared of their own self, make people feel they are not doing the right thing.
I do fit very well into the two above definitions, as i smoke well, i never took any effective decisions, never managed money, never wanted to improve, have a very very small social circle, and dont have any particular "talent". If that makes me one, well, let it be, I think i am very comfortable with the way it is now, and i dont plan or intend to change it any time in the near future.
Damn these literature guys. Wish we where like cats, we just have a few limited type of meows, to convey "i need food", "this is my territory", "get lost", "lets have sex" and "i am going to sleep - dont disturb"
The more granular and refined you are in expressing what you feel, or the more vocabulary you have, the more vocabulary you will have to use to fix things up.
I guess the earlier stages of my life where less eventful. Events where more or less predictable. The people around me did not change much, and the values and principles by which most of the people around me lived where more or less the same. So any behaviour which deviated from the so called set of unwritten rules were objectionable, and something which should not be done. I always wanted to break off from most of the rules, but did abide to most of them, as i thought it is/was the way things should be.
The first break off was be turning to an atheist That happened when i was about 12 years old. I don't exactly remember the incidents by which i became one, but it was a hard road. When doubts of existence of God came in, i would pray to God to forgive me for doubting him. I was scared of him punishing me for the disbelief. For some reason i still don't know, I became convinced that God did not exist, and became a good non-believer by the time i turned 14. And as every year passed by, my conviction grew only stronger.
The second break off would be the decision of not getting married. That was even a tougher one. The idea got into my mind when i was really young, may be when i was 13 years old. Till then, i did have fantasies of how my wife would be, how the first night would be, and how i would initiate the first time sex. Pre marital sex was a no - no, it was a crime that i could not think of committing. I could not imagine my wife to be a non virgin, and i could not think why, somebody would commit that crime. Well, that was my pre-teens. At the same time, I wanted to be the hero in the action movies that i used to watch. So I wanted to be the super hero policeman who will bash up the bad guys and rescue the damsel in distress, or save the world from the evil clutches of Amreesh puri. But, in all of them movies, the wife/lover/family of the hero would be held ransom by the bad guys, which i found a bit complicated. In some movies, they even killed them. Now that is unnecessary and complicated. I have to save the world, as well as the wife and the family. So i decided not to get married, so that i only have to save the world. Well, those where my first thoughts on not having a family.
As i grew up, i decided not to get married, because i doubted relationships. I started to question the institution of marriage, as i saw, in real life, the wife sleeping with someone else when the husband is not around. I saw instances when the Husband would cheat on the wife. It hurt me a lot, and it got scary, as i had thoughts of my wife in fantasy cheating on me. Possible, yes, may be, but what if?
As I grew up, i travelled more. I got out of my environment which thought me that marriage is a rosy affair, and that everyone should get married. i started to see real life, i interacted with people of different states, cultures, countries. I saw different outlooks, i saw different lifestyles. I started to drink and smoke, which was the third major breakaway from the rules i set in my childhood. Everything turned upside down, and all the faith i had in life had to be erased and re - written.
And as everyday rises, another faith that i had had t be re - written. The pain to do that, and the pain i had to go through when i realise things are not the way i thought it is, is hard. I no more expects my life partner to be a virgin, in fact i want someone who is not. I realise it is possible for the wife to cheat me, and i have to learn to live with it. I realise money is nothing, i realise i will have to hurt someone somewhere for me to be happy. I realise I dont have to life for a goal, i realise, i will never be a good father. And even now, every rule that i live with, had to be re - written by myself, so that i feel better everyday. If not, I will be upset that that particular rule is broken.
Every day, every incident changes me, my views, my outlook. I realise i dont have that thing called ethics. I realise i am breaking off from every rule that people around me have. And that means I will be the loser as per public opinion, that means i will become the outcast, that means i wont fit in. That means i become the example of what someone is not supposed to be. And that means i am mostly the laughing stock when i am n a gathering.
Deep down inside, there are some writings, some values, which has gone faint, but not gone. No matter how hard i try to erase them, it refuses to go. And when i try to break off from those rules, it hurts. It hurts bad. real bad.
I need money and occasional sex to live. I guess that is what i am reduced to, now.
Life, always has its own surprises. You plan events, expecting things to work out the way you wanted it to be. You expect people to behave the way you want them to be. All of the actions, are based on, your expectations on the reaction of the world, as you see it.
The pani puri vendor on the road expects you to give him the 10 bucks after you have eaten his stuff. He gets upset and behaves different if you dont. Your boss expects you to deliver that code by 6 30 in the evening, and if you dont, hell will break loose. Your boyfriend expects you not to sleep with that guy he suspects you like. Your mom expects you not to drink. You expect your wife to give you a blowjob tonight. You get upset, when she does not. Even the great GOD expects you to pray to him. If you dont, he is displeased. So this thing, is universal. I have no idea what Sun expects from earth, but i guess she( i dont see a dick in the photographsof sun, but i do see holes in the form of sunspot - As for earth, we have mount everest.) expects earth to revolve around it, failing which, earth will be swallowed.
I got real upset today. Many things i wanted to, did not work out as i expected. But then, when i looked back to about 15 years, I never expected me to be like what i am right now. I never expected to smoke tobacco or weed, i never expected me to drink, and i never expected me to be wayward as i am right now. I dont think i am unhappy about the way i am now, because, in the end, i am having the freedom that i always wanted. Freedom to do anything i want, without worrying about what the people close to me will think. What i had to sacrifice, was the same set of friends, people who was close to me, a good job which might have made me real rich, a beautiful hot wife, and a lot of things which defines to be the most important things to have in life.
I earn just enough to pay my pub bills, to fill the fuel in the car, to pay the loan for the small piece of land i bought, and to eat good food. Fair enough, that meets my basic requirements.
What i dont know is, what to expect from life. I have always went along the flow, did things never worrying about the consequences. Which made me directionless. Life has become all about satiating my needs, for the moment, whatever it my be.
So this girl came into my life. not as a lover or as a life partner, but as a simple friend. Its all about passing a couple of hi, or about talking senseless things over the internet. Which did make me feel good. I guess i will be expecting things from her as we get to know each other well. And when i dont, as per my universal theory, i will get upset. And i dont want things to upset me. May be, logically, i should not even start the relationship.
But it seems to be business as usual, i live for what i need right now, and it seems i will defy all my well developed logic and do things my brain asks not to do.
Let things be. After all, even the mighty GOD gets upset over silly things. I should, as always, live for the moment.
---- Just another day in my life. For no reason felt like putting it up in the blog.
8 15: Call from my friend, From Australia. His cousin, our age ,who I know, had died.
Died in a bike accident. In bangalore.
Survved by a young wife, a 3 year old daughter and a 2 month old son.
Was to fly to US of A next month.
Got out of bed. made black tea. Straight to the computer.
Did not feel like working. Random thoughts came in and out.
Every one was sad about the widow. and the kids. Now they are sad because he had a kid. It was better, if not fine, if he did not have kids.
But then, everyone were happy when the kids where born. The irony.
I should play a game. Age of Empires. the very first version. The same one we played in 1999, on our college days.
First game, lost.
Time to pot.
Second game, lost.
Made black tea again.
Took out the wheat bread, made bread omlet.
And then some with Pinapple Jam.
Third game, lost. Damn.
Forth game, almost about to win after 2 hours of play. Fuck, i accidentally pressed the power button, and I did not save.
Its about 2. Felt bored. Watched porn. Even bored.
Back to the game.
Won, at last.
Played again. won. damn, it is 5. There is a live band playing at the pub. I need to take the dress from laundry. All i have is a full sleeve shirt, and i am not wearing that with the shorts to the pub.
One more game, and i will go.
one more game, and it was 6 30. Just half hour for the happy hours to end. Chuck the laundry.
Took the old over sized t shirt, sprayed AXE all over, that should take care of the smell.
Too lazy to ride the bycycle. took the auto.
Just made minutes before happy hours.
500. 500 is all i am going to spend today. I kept repeating all over again. I jat have 3k till the salary comes. which will be after 5th.
500. Dont spend more than 500. Drink beer. Cheapest.
No, beer depress me.
Looked at the bartender. He smiled his usual wicked smile.
I said old monk.
No old monk !!!
He said, have whiskey, sir. Have glenlivet. He knew my old fav.
450 for 30ml. No way.
Fuck the 500.
Chivas, 2 large please.
and that is 350 for 30. 1400 for 2 large. 420 discount. its a 1000 bucks. fuck it, i am having it.
And the band played. not bad, decent. Pretty decent for a band who have been playing for just 3 weeks.
Sipped the whiskey, slowly. Lot of hot chicks around. Lot of them.
Felt out of place. I hate it when there is too much of crowd.
Then a girl took my lighter, without even asking me, and vanished.
I chased her, and saw her giving it to a friend of hers.
I got pissed.
I walked to her friend, and demanded the lighter from her.
At least i got it back.
Ordered chicken fried rice. Yummy. One of the best i ever had.
Enjoyed the music. I saw the girls and guys dancing to led zeppelin - Black dog. No way you can dance with that song, but they did.
I hate it when couples dance like salsa to a classic rock song. It is not just meant to be. Shake your head, not the hips.
Pub closed, payed 1200.
Walked back. Saw the lead singer. shook his hands, and said he did a good job.
He said he was happy hearing it from me..
(me? why me? its the same thing - He thinks, as many of them, mostly due to my long hair, that i am a great musician or something.)
I did not correct him. I did not want to tell him i am just another guy with a long hair, and that i cannot sing half as good as he sings.
Counted the cigarettes i smoked in the last 4 hours.
No wonder i have the chest pain.
Bought 5 more, as I walked back. I need it for the night and for the next day when i pot.
Reached home. could not sleep.
Played again. till 2.30 in the morning. Feeling slightly asleep. I should sleep now, after all, i have won the last game.
Series of thoughts came in as i got down to bed. The thought on how the widow will recover, the thought on if i should ever marry, the thought on what will happen to my kids if i ever have kids.
I would rather let the wife die, and i live in pain, rather than I die and let them in pain.
I cannot die now. At least I cannot suicide. Not until both my parents are dead.
And, yes, i ended up in the emergency medicine section of a hospital, as a patient, for the first time in my life. Forgettable incident, yes.
So one fine morning i realized I cannot move my feet or any other part of my body. I felt so weak, that I could not clench my fist. I knew things were wrong, I knew i have to see the doctor. Some doctor.
I somehow managed to end up in the emergency medicine section of a hospital. Only to be stopped by this security guy.
"sorry sir, only patients allowed"
"(I know asshole), i AM the patient. (Cant you see i am crawling my way to the emergency medicine)?
And then came the next torture. Ladies dress in white. They all carried needles, reminded me of vampires. Vampires they where, last time I counted, they poked at least 4 times to take blood. One from the artery, one from the vein, one for some test, one for some other test. Damn.
And Dracula came in. He is the doctor, I was informed. He decided I need to be given IV, for which they need to poke again to put on the IV line. two try on my left hand, and it did not do well. So two more pokes on my right hand and somehow it got right.
And every time, one guy would come, give me a bill, and gracefully take my wallet from my pocket, take the card, swipe and bring back the bill. And yes, after a couple of times,he decided to keep the card on my chest so that he does not have to search for my wallet inside my pocket.
About two hours later, my bystander came, and I had no clue she was not comfortable with the hospital stuff. So when the lady in white came in again to take my ECG, she got too scared of the sight of the machine, and well, just ran away. A very light moment, everyone burst into laughter.
A forgettable day, I got discharged by evening. I was bed ridden for about 3 days, and being alone, when not well, made me think about many things, which I have not thought before. It was not about the care I wanted, but when you are so thirsty, and you cannot get out of the bed, you will wish there was a bottle of water near you. And then you want someone or something to bring that bottle of water, and who ever does that at that point of time, you look at him/her with a lot of gratitude from your heart.
But no, I dont want to get married just so that someone will take care of me. What will i be doing with her the rest of the time?
Three days later, when i was kind of fine, i went back to the hospital to get my urine test results. Well, forget the report, the urine sample itself was missing.
I dont think i would ever want to be in a hospital again. I am healthy now, but the way i treat my body with cigarettes and alcohol, i can see myself spending my later days in a hospital, with ladies dressed in white all around me. I might need a bystander then, I would prefer a woman, around my age, and I guess i have to start saving up now so that i can pay her then.
I thought i know all of the people who can possibly visit my blogs, on a regular basis. Yes, i mean real humans, not the bots.
But who, the hell, is this human, from San Jose, California, who regularly use a firefox and a win xp system, has been visiting my blogs at least thrice a month, for many months, now??
It cant be my sister, as she does not live near California.
Mystery, ignites imagination.
So I fantasize, this human being, be, a hot chick, single, who is fascinated by my writings.
And when i do that, it almost always turn to be a guy, who i never want a conversation with.
Aah. Now i really wish at least some part of my mysteries have a happy ending.
Policemen likes love me. I have no clue why they are attracted to me, i guess the way i walk, drive or simply stand makes me look like a mouth watering dish of some sort.
The latest, happened a couple of weeks back. We all walked out of our fav pub, one fine wednesday, and there were guys and girls, drunk, wasted, having harmless fun. People singing aloud in groups, loud laughters, thrash talk, it was all fun. I dont drink beer normally, but when this cute looking female came to me and offered me a can of beer she could not finish, i could not resist.
1) the girl was hot, but sadly, had an equally hot boyfriend on her other hand.
2) I dont believe in wasting any type of alcohol.
So, me any my A**Hole friend, started to walk towards his place, as i had decided to crash in his place. On the way, on a freaky modified bicycle, there was this guy, selling tea and coffee. Interesting idea. Tea. I have no clue as to what can happen when hot tea reacts with Gin in the abdomen, but it did not bother at that moment. We stopped for the tea, had a couple of cigarettes, and stood there talking for sometime, waiting for a friend to come join us.
So i was just standing there, talking to my friend, holding the beer can in my had, but NOT drinking, because Gin + Tea + Cigarettes + beer felt like the weirdest of concoctions.
And in came two overweight, potbellied as usual, policemen, in the typical leopard skin bikes. I ignored them as usual, as i was not driving, i dont have to have papers, and every Indian citizen has the right to stand on a road side at any point of time in a day.
Policeman (In Kannada) : Come with me to the station
Me : Perplexed, confused, In a mix of Kannada, Hindi and English : Why?
Policeman (In English, Realising i dont know Hindi as well as Kannada) : Public Nuisance, Drinking in public. Come to station, pay 500 fine, and stay there till morning.
Me (WTF!in mind) I am not drinking in public !! I drank at the pub
Policeman : But you have an opened beer can in hand.
Me. (Damn. Why am i holding it when i am not drinking it) But i am not creating any public nuisance! See, i am peacefully standing, on the roadside, not even talking loud!
I tried to convince them than i am the angel himself descended to earth, that I am such a nice guy that I mind my own business and love the people around me. Well since it did not work, i decided to do what can work.
Me: Kitna chahiye
Policeman: Pyar se dedo.(Never had, i seen a policeman saying "pyar se dedo" It sounded more like a sex worker asking for a tip)
Hmm. I checked my wallet, looked inside for a 50 rupee note. Gone are those days when 10 rupee was sufficient. Damn. No 50. Only hundred. Through the corner of my eyes, i could see both the guys looking into my wallet.
So I took the hundred, and handed it over to the guy who was riding the bike.
He refused to accept it. I thought, damn. More??
Then he gestured to give the 100 to the guy sitting behind. AAh. Protocols.
As they left, i looked at the Can of beer, and i saw it giving back that "I didnt do it" look.
So i leaned on to the low compound wall, patted the street dog who seemed to like me, and gulped the beer peacefully.
Weird because, I was happy and uncomfortable at the same time. Happy because someone do read my blog for what ever reasons, uncomfortable because i am not the social type, at least in cyberspace.
I thought i would skip this exercise, but the blank and confused state i am in (due to completely different reasons) pulled me into writing a blog today, and i thought WTF, i AM going to answer these questions, because now, i really want to.
thanks to Kappu, for tagging me, cause it did make me feel good.
1. What/who got you into blogging? A note of thank for him/her/it? ;-)
None of my friends were blogging when i started writing. I came across blogger when i was browsing for something, and i liked the concept. I guess I started writing to get attention, and nothing else.
2. You are gifted with a great voice, what song will you sing to your love?
3. If you are given the time and money to learn something new today, what will you choose to learn?
Today, at this point, i would pay and learn how to have a good sleep. I dont know about tomorrow.
4. What do you like and dislike about marriage? (Bachelor(ettes) can let their assumptions run here!)
like - You dont have to look around for a partner to have sex.
dislike - You cant have another partner for sex.
5. What according to you is an act of kindness?
Nothing. Every act by anyone is an act to satisfy their own mind and body.
Hold it. on a second thought, if someone gives me 5 crore for free, it IS an act of kindness.
6. A date with a celebrity - whom will you choose and why?
Singer Najma Akthar. Or Actress Rekha. Intoxicating looks and eyes.
7. What adventure sport do you SO love to do right away? With anyone in specific?
Right now, no. I dont want to move my ass a bit.
8. Do you like photography? What do you think of the developing culture of SLR craze?
I take astrophotographs, am a semi professional in it. I used to work with the SLR Film camera in late nineties, and it was fun. It was challenging. You had to feel the light, you had to have skill. I dont like it now, as you need more of photoshop skills now. And every tom, idiot and asshole i meet claim to be a photographer these days. I dont carry my camera anymore as frequently i used to carry it.
9. Whats your secret recipe that you'll cook to impress or woo someone? (okay if its maggi!)
Cocktails. One of my RUM or GIN specialties (I think it is special, if you dont think so, it is your problem, not mine) . Since it is secret, i cant say it here. :P
10. What do you like about your best friend?
I dont know who my best friend is. Not saying I dont have wonderful friends, but no, I am not the one who believes in friendships and stuff. There are some things good in everyone. and equally bad things too.
11. Whats the MOST favorite post A)written by you B) written by others? Share the link!
I have always wondered if GOD loves money. Well, with the recent developments, i understand that not only GOD loves money, he will do things for you if we bribe him/her well.
Basically we have to 'please' him. I Understand prayers as the least expensive and uncomplicated way to please him/her. So when someone prays, the GOD, which/who is omnipresent, hears the prayer, and becomes happy, and blesses the person. What i am surprised is his recent interest towards money. It is one thing, GOD did not, or could not, create. He has no access to money, so he has ways by which he makes we humans to deposit money to the places of worship.
The Karnataka Govt, are one of the recent victims of GOD's greed to money and attention. Its like the traffic police at the end of the month. You dont have a choice if they catch you, just bribe them and leave. So, seems like the month end for GOD, and he decided not to give monsoon to the Kannadigas. His plan worked, and amazingly well.
I remember I bought my first digital camera at 15,000 bucks. well it was about 8 Megapixel, and it was the year 2007.Mobile cameras where not popular then, due to bad quality and the expenses.
5 years down the line, its had to find a camera without a mobile phone in it.
Being a techie who hates technology, every leap in technology scares me. Men are becoming more of machines as we interact more with machines.
~ we talk more to our phones, than to our friends.
~ we see more LCD screens than our loved ones.
~ we touch a keyboard more than we touch ourselves.
~ we see the desktop more than we see our reflection in a mirror.
Last time, when I met with some of my friends, i checked out the time spent to talk to each other. I guess it was less than 50% of the total time spent, the rest was devoted to the smart phones everyone had. I am happy i dont have a smart phone, but i had my share of phone calls and text messages.
And then we have our cameramen. Who will shoot anything and everything they see. Photography is fun. And when i saw people having fun shooting the lady being molested in the streets in Assam, I knew the time has come. People fail to see human beings in people. And When the footage was telecast-ed, I knew my worst fears has come true.
Well, people get molested. true. But at least for the sake of the girl, the media with the so - called - ethics could have refrained telecasting it. It is no fun watching a girl getting molested. If it is, if people have fun watching the clips, we are, for sure living in a very dangerous society.
We may not have to make terminator, we all may evolve to be one.
Learning Astronomy (And NOT astrology) was the turning point of my life.
The concept of big bang, speed of light, Black holes, Gravitational lensing.. Everything about the outer space was complex, everything was out of logic. Everything was hard to understand. Researchers had spent their life time to untangle the complicated network of unknowns in the universe and comes up with theories which has to be re written over and over again.
Well, coming back to earth, we have a similar creation. They are called women.
The facebook supporters have this point - that it is the best way to spread your ideas. You click, you share, and the whole world knows about it. And yes, since the whole world as we know, are glued to this screen with faces in it, the whole world WILL know about it.
And this is what, i found recently in the social networking circles.
Well, at least in Keralite circles, her accent is notorious. I used to and still hate her presentation style. Its too irritating to watch her malayalam shows. Anyway since i dont watch any of them reality shows, I am not bothered much.
But, this video is too stupid. The girl, who ever she is, has the right to party, has the right to be with anyone she likes and do what ever she wants to in her life. Her getting drunk/smoke/party/have sex is her thing, her life and nothing for an average keralite to worry about. And there was nothing in the above video that she did to hate her as a show host, or anything in the video to hate her as a person.
And, most of the people, who hate her, are worried about the traditional culture !!!
So, if i were to take snaps of the private life of all these haters, and make a video like the one above, what will i see??
Pictures of people groping girls in bus, having hardons by seeing the cleavage of a 60 year old lady, Flashing their hardons near womens colleges and schools, Jacking off to porn everyday, Installing hidden cams in bathrooms, abusing girls who walk the road, have extra marital affairs, Getting drunk every day, and then puke on the road and then sleep where ever they are, make fake facebook profiles and stalk girls, make stories of the girl who turned you down, and what not, the list grows on and on.
Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself.
I still hate to see her shows, but it is unfair and stupid to have a hate wave against her for her private life. If you dont like her shows, dont watch. And do something better than wasting your time to peep into someone elses personal life and count the number of cigarettes he/she smokes a day or the number of people the other person slept with.
Facebook spreads a lot of hate, and less of love and peace. I am sure i am right about this. At least this.
My mind does not feel good now. In fact, it feels terrible. Sleepless nights, unsettling thoughts, and emptiness fills most of the neural paths. Well, it is normal, considering the circumstances and the environment i am with right now.
Well, things were worse. Or had been worse. There were times when i saw death when i didnt want to see it, times when i tried to die when i didnt want to live. Times when i starved because i did not have money to buy food, times when I felt too lonely. Times when i could only see nightmares where i am stabbed or beheaded, times when i am guaranteed a nightmare every time i go to sleep. Times when i had not laughed from my heart for years. Times when i slept at the bus stands because i could not afford a cheap hotel. Times when I had payed a girl to just hug and sleep without sex. Times when I was scared or rather phobic of laughter and good times. And the list can go on.
On the other side, most of the things i wanted, i had. Even though I had my lives struggle to get them. I had traveled well, I had stayed in expensive hotels. I had driven my car like crazy till all the adrenalin was consumed by blood. Times when i indulged in the most expensive spas, times when i had the best of fun in many pubs in different countries. Times when i drank like crazy, times when i slept well. Times when i really felt happy with someone. Times when some one said good things about me and actually meant them.
So when it goes up, it has to come down. What we dont normally remember, is, that it mostly goes up when it comes down too.
Filthy rich, is what i want to be, right now. I dont remember any instance of my life till now when i wanted to be rich. What i wanted, always, was enough money to fill the petrol in my car, enough money to spend twice a week on the pubs i frequent, and enough money to afford a decent, small one bed room space and enough money to have food. May be a couple of head massages a month too. I am happy, i guess if i have these.
Now, i want to be filthy rich. rich, so that, i dont have to work. the things i do might remain the same, I may not visit london for my dinner and switzerland in summer. But the very fact that I have money in my account, should comfort me. Well, it WILL comfort me. I have not started to read idiots book or book for dummies on how to get rich, for obvious reasons that none of the rich guys around must have never read those. But, the seed for that thought is implanted by some devil i met at some point of my life, and it reminds me of the couple of lines from my favourite Grateful dead song:
Set out runnin' but I take my time, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine, If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.
The day started with mixed feelings. A heavy head as the result of the excessive drinking the last night, dehydration, early morning blues and on top of that, the thoughts of her. The 'her' is the topic of the post, the her, i have seen only in a vague photograph, which came out as a result of my deep understanding of how google works. The her, whose personal details i know, thanks to the freaking privacy in the internet. The her, whose phone number i know, whose email address i know. Whose friends I know, whose where abouts i know. The her, who i think about once in about two months. or may be once a month. So, I know for sure it is not love. I know its not about living together with her, i know it is not about sleeping with her. I know it is not even to be with her as a friend. But i do not know what it is. I dont know why it is, that I want to let her know that I exist. I am scared, i dont dare. I dont even dare to send a two letter email to her. And that is very much unlike me, the me i know being impulsive and daring. I dont think the thoughts of her bugs me, because she does not come into my every day thoughts at all. But what bugs me, is to know, why, I feel like THIS when i think of her.
From the times I remember, I have been told that we (read human kind) is superior. Superior to all the beings in the world. That, we possess intelligence. That, we have bigger brains. That, we have emotions that other living beings does not have. That, we have better abilities to talk. wow.
The very fact that I am typing this in my lap top, which will communicate, wire less to the router down the hall, to a remote server in some part of the world, store this, and let other people see, is by itself a very complicated and interesting fact. I dont belive the cat sleeping peacefully in the yard will be able to make something like this. We are indeed, very unique.
I like to make robots, or in general machines. So, my dream machine is a robot, with near human proportions. Replicating the human body will need replications in less than nano levels.
And at nano levels, or lesser, we are just an array of non living beings !
I have to face it. We are just an array of non living things. I was true. My set of chemicals theory is true. Love, hate, anger, lust, and even the mush sort after feeling of orgasm is, just in fact, a chemical reaction.
(I have no idea, if you, the reader gets what i mean. It doesnt matter, but this is quite depressing for me, the feeling of depression being another chemical reaction.)
(And we are so pissed off at government and corruption and lot of other things like this.)
As a child, i always wanted to die at 32. I was scared of old age. And for some reasons which i still cant figure out, i thought i will call it quits when i hit this age.
Well, i completed that figure yesterday and i dont know if i want to die now. But if lord Yama comes in his fav ride and give me the tickets to the other world, i wont mind accepting it either. I am kind of content with what i have had in life, and there are no dreams left which will make me say - hey ! hold on, i need an another 5 years !
Saying that, I dont mind living an another 5 years either. But, i have to say i feel better than when I was in my twenties, possibly because i have less decisions to make these days. So, when you are i your twenties, you will have to plan ahead for your thirties, plan your life partner, plan your kids, plan your finances and carefully choose your career. Well, to be very frank, i gracefully messed up all of them, and here I am, single, with little bank balance to be proud of, and a not-so-great career as i do not have a full time job.
I am more peaceful than I used to be. None of my dreams worked out, none of my plans clicked, but i strongly believe the peace that i have is much better than the satisfaction i could have had when my plans worked out. I am laid back, I dont rush through my daily routine, I enjoy my bath, enjoy my coffee, take as much time i want to drink it, i dont get irritated by the traffic jams, I dont have dead lines to meet every day.
Apart from the pressure from my folks to get married and a recent financial crunch due to my quitting my job, I am having an eventless life. The life I started to enjoy so much, that I think is the way i want to live for the rest of my life. And I dont mind Yama dropping a visit tomorrow, and I dont mind him dropping a visit a decade later.
I have quit drinking many times. And that seems to be the best part of it. You can actually quit as many times you want.
Alcohol, weed and orgasm seems to be the best things in the world bestowed to mankind. And all of them are deemed partly illegal or unethical in many parts of the world. And we all believe human beings to be the best in terms of intelligence.
I had serious problems with the throat and the ear because of the cold beer at night. I solved the problem by replacing the bed coffee with a bottle of beer. It works real well, in fact extremely well.
So I have not been blogging for more. Sadly, i realize that i should have been blogging more to satisfy the needs of the world.
It seems the smoking has slowly started to take a toll on me. As body gave a better and bigger signal than the brain, I have not smoked a single cigarette in the last two days. So, my last two days were pretty smokeless.
Mumbai gave me mixed days, I met a couple of people i wanted to meet, and had a good time. But strange, I felt normal. I did not feel that anxiety at all, when i meet people who i have never met. I was calm, normal, mostly myself. Now that is strange.
The last day was spent in Lamington road, browsing electronic stuff. Not far away was Kamathipura, the red light area. As I walked around MS Ali road, I could feel the night life of the red light area starting up. The streets were busy, road side vendors making all kind of eatables, Pan wallas, and people selling stuff I had no clue about. I saw ladies, exaggerated make up, cleavages, and a lot of thighs. But all their eyes have lost the sparkle. The lips might smile, the legs might spread, there could be sweet talks, but, I wished I could see a single eye with a bit of glow called hope.
I did not feel bad as usual. I was feeling strange. I was trying to fix my stuff, and i guess, for the first time, I prefered to take care about my stuff before i worry or feel bad about a strange who, in my assumption, looks sad. What I wanted, is direction. What I wanted, is loads of money. Or may be, a compatible companion. or may be, I should drop off every thing and become a naked swamiji in the remotest corner of an estranged jungle where I can get fruits that i can pluck, water to drink round the year, and a few vegetables to eat, and a horny girl to walk into the forest, accidently, and falls for me for two hours.
None of these thoughts seem to work.
That was when I saw this old barber shop - with a thin man with a smile sans two front teeth.
As like a divine intervention, I walked in, asked him to give me that head massage I always wanted to have. There was this Navarathna Oil, and due to my long hair, he had to use a machine (Read crude AC motor) tied to his hands for the massage.
The head massage did not make me a rejuvenated man. But The head did feel good. So, I headed to Leopolds, had fish and chips and a couple of beer.
I got a three - chair table. I looked at the two empty chairs and wished they were there.
Morning, I woke up different. I woke up aggressive. Every minute, I know I will have to move on. I will have to do what I like, and I cannot, no more, treat myself bad.
The flight to calicut almost killed me. The violent shake, visibility issue at the airport, and the even rough landing made me think I was gone.
And When we landed safe, I looked around. The man on my right was thanking god, he was kissing the cross thrice. The man on the front was praying all the while. Everyone seemed to be relieved.
I felt nothing. Thats when I realise, I am happy with things, and I have nothing left to do - I have no more dreams, and I have no more things to live for.
May be, thats what I have to sort out. and move on.
So for some time now, i was having the thought of getting married. For some time, quite seriously. And it went to an extent, that i went and met someone - at her home with her mom and dad and brother - a couple of months back. That did not work out ( i still dont know why - i was not given a reason :D) and I am still unmarried.
I have never wanted to get married when i was a kid. But as years went by, the number of people around me got thinner. As they say, man is a social animal, and I, being man, is supposed to have someone with me. And since I aint gay, that someone has to be a woman.
So I sat and wondered if I actually wanted to get married to. May be I wanted. May be I am scared of the responsibilities. May be I am scared of losing my freedom that i have right now. I have a nomadic life, and I dont worry what time i should get back home. In fact, I never get back home, i always end up in a random hotel room, at some part of the country. I dont worry about future much, i dont save. I dont worry about my health much, i smoke and drink. I dont know if i will sacrifice all this for a woman that comes into my life. I am quite a selfish person, and I have no idea how to make people happy, and I am not worried if they are happy or not.
May be i will change when i get married. But then, i want to change for the right person.
I am not going to search anymore. If there is a person like that, she will come to me.
Things were never this clear for me for some time.
its out for now. No more matrimony searches.
pss: Man is a social animal. So, if i have those animal instincts, its NOT my fault.
Where are my thoughts that believed nothing can be believed in? May be the ever aging time gave me reasons to justify my inherent drive to do nothing. My views are getting shut to the obviousness of life. My eyes see images of life as an accumulation of aminoacids and proteins. Where is the innocent lens that i used to look people at. Where is the curiosity of the child that made me ponder. Where are the dreams that i loved the night for. Where are the images of suspense that made my heart skip a beat.
You just cant break everything into smaller pieces and try to solve them. Especially if you dont actually have to solve them.