It seems the smoking has slowly started to take a toll on me. As body gave a better and bigger signal than the brain, I have not smoked a single cigarette in the last two days. So, my last two days were pretty smokeless.
Mumbai gave me mixed days, I met a couple of people i wanted to meet, and had a good time. But strange, I felt normal. I did not feel that anxiety at all, when i meet people who i have never met. I was calm, normal, mostly myself. Now that is strange.
The last day was spent in Lamington road, browsing electronic stuff. Not far away was Kamathipura, the red light area. As I walked around MS Ali road, I could feel the night life of the red light area starting up. The streets were busy, road side vendors making all kind of eatables, Pan wallas, and people selling stuff I had no clue about. I saw ladies, exaggerated make up, cleavages, and a lot of thighs. But all their eyes have lost the sparkle. The lips might smile, the legs might spread, there could be sweet talks, but, I wished I could see a single eye with a bit of glow called hope.
I did not feel bad as usual. I was feeling strange. I was trying to fix my stuff, and i guess, for the first time, I prefered to take care about my stuff before i worry or feel bad about a strange who, in my assumption, looks sad. What I wanted, is direction. What I wanted, is loads of money. Or may be, a compatible companion. or may be, I should drop off every thing and become a naked swamiji in the remotest corner of an estranged jungle where I can get fruits that i can pluck, water to drink round the year, and a few vegetables to eat, and a horny girl to walk into the forest, accidently, and falls for me for two hours.
None of these thoughts seem to work.
That was when I saw this old barber shop - with a thin man with a smile sans two front teeth.
As like a divine intervention, I walked in, asked him to give me that head massage I always wanted to have. There was this Navarathna Oil, and due to my long hair, he had to use a machine (Read crude AC motor) tied to his hands for the massage.
The head massage did not make me a rejuvenated man. But The head did feel good. So, I headed to Leopolds, had fish and chips and a couple of beer.
I got a three - chair table. I looked at the two empty chairs and wished they were there.
Morning, I woke up different. I woke up aggressive. Every minute, I know I will have to move on. I will have to do what I like, and I cannot, no more, treat myself bad.
The flight to calicut almost killed me. The violent shake, visibility issue at the airport, and the even rough landing made me think I was gone.
And When we landed safe, I looked around. The man on my right was thanking god, he was kissing the cross thrice. The man on the front was praying all the while. Everyone seemed to be relieved.
I felt nothing. Thats when I realise, I am happy with things, and I have nothing left to do - I have no more dreams, and I have no more things to live for.
May be, thats what I have to sort out. and move on.
So for some time now, i was having the thought of getting married. For some time, quite seriously. And it went to an extent, that i went and met someone - at her home with her mom and dad and brother - a couple of months back. That did not work out ( i still dont know why - i was not given a reason :D) and I am still unmarried.
I have never wanted to get married when i was a kid. But as years went by, the number of people around me got thinner. As they say, man is a social animal, and I, being man, is supposed to have someone with me. And since I aint gay, that someone has to be a woman.
So I sat and wondered if I actually wanted to get married to. May be I wanted. May be I am scared of the responsibilities. May be I am scared of losing my freedom that i have right now. I have a nomadic life, and I dont worry what time i should get back home. In fact, I never get back home, i always end up in a random hotel room, at some part of the country. I dont worry about future much, i dont save. I dont worry about my health much, i smoke and drink. I dont know if i will sacrifice all this for a woman that comes into my life. I am quite a selfish person, and I have no idea how to make people happy, and I am not worried if they are happy or not.
May be i will change when i get married. But then, i want to change for the right person.
I am not going to search anymore. If there is a person like that, she will come to me.
Things were never this clear for me for some time.
its out for now. No more matrimony searches.
pss: Man is a social animal. So, if i have those animal instincts, its NOT my fault.
Where are my thoughts that believed nothing can be believed in? May be the ever aging time gave me reasons to justify my inherent drive to do nothing. My views are getting shut to the obviousness of life. My eyes see images of life as an accumulation of aminoacids and proteins. Where is the innocent lens that i used to look people at. Where is the curiosity of the child that made me ponder. Where are the dreams that i loved the night for. Where are the images of suspense that made my heart skip a beat.
You just cant break everything into smaller pieces and try to solve them. Especially if you dont actually have to solve them.