Its a new year again (sigh)

Yes, after all, new years never used to be great. And there was no element of surprise this time.

I am low, low to the deepest point that I used to be once in a while. Of course there are reasons as usual. But unlike the old times, i do not feel like resorting to anything. Or anyone.

Strange.
Not interested in alcochol which used to calm me down.
Not even trying to call the very few people who i used to resort to.
Not going to EAT.
Not gaming.

Not doing anything about it. May be the knowledge that nothing can take me out of this hole i am in right now. May be thats the most special thing about it.

I have been riding the rough seas for more than 8 years now. It was exciting at the beginning, but then i drifted away. The wind took me off shore, and I do not have a compass. I thought I saw the worst seas. I thought I saw the roughest of the waves. I thought nothing worse will come in. I was settling down. Nothing can break me down.

I should have known. I thought I could make it to the shore now that I have seen everything.

I was fooled. More is to come. I have lost hope.

I am not going to make it.

Period.