Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I refuse to pretend. Thats what I thought I do. But on a deeper second thought, I am not quite sure of that. I stare back at myself with another set of eyes and thats not the picture I see.

I refuse to believe that I am in trouble. I refuse to see the volcano about to erupt. I know what I do is wrong. What I am doing is exactly what I love to accuse other people of. What I do is exactly what I wonder WHY people do. I am dragging myself to a point where other people along with me can get hurt.

Still I refuse to believe it. I turn my back at the bigger picture.

May be its because of the peace of mind that I get for the time being. May be, I believe this is what I used to miss all my life. There was always many things missing, and I used to fill the missing parts with the pieces I used to get as I move on. Nothing seemed to fit in, but this.

I know this piece will fall apart as time goes. But I do not want to let it go now. I want to hold on to it as much as possible. Good things seldom lasts, and I know it pretty well.

I feel younger. I feel like a teenager. I know the number 3 is waiting at my doorstep, ready to replace the number 2. I am almost at the mid part of my life. I am scared. But I pretend I am not.

I pretend to act my age.
I refuse to think my age.

I pretend I am young.
I am getting complicated.
I am living without directions.
I am living without a will.
I pretend to be happy.
I pretend to be myself.
I pretend to love.

Or may be, I aint pretending.

I just dont even know If I am pretending or not.
I just dont even know If I am happy or not.
I just dont even know.


shiva said...

looked like a bindle of multi colored threads......threads that you can separate and title like in a previous post...
if possible just chek out beat poetry , beat poets, or allen ginsberg in any search engine..........you seem to share a lot in common with them

shahnaaz said...

hmmmmmmmm,really confused but frank.........