Weird thing called learning from life

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I guess the earlier stages of my life where less eventful. Events where more or less predictable. The people around me did not change much, and the values and principles by which most of the people around me lived where more or less the same. So any behaviour which deviated from the so called set of unwritten rules were  objectionable, and something which should not be done. I always wanted to break off from most of the rules, but did abide to most of them, as i thought it is/was the way things should be. 

The first break off was be turning to an atheist  That happened when i was about 12 years old. I don't exactly remember the incidents by which i became one, but it was a hard road. When doubts of existence of God came in, i would pray to God to forgive me for doubting him. I was scared of him punishing me for the disbelief. For some reason i still don't know, I became convinced that God did not exist,  and became a good non-believer by the time i turned 14. And as every year passed by, my conviction grew only stronger.

The second break off would be the decision of not getting married. That was even a tougher one. The idea got into my mind when i was really young, may be when i was 13 years old. Till then, i did have fantasies of how my wife would be, how the first night would be, and how i would initiate the first time sex. Pre marital sex was a no - no, it was a crime that i could not think of committing. I could not imagine my wife to be a non virgin, and i could not think why, somebody would commit that crime. Well, that was my pre-teens. At the same time, I wanted to be the hero in the action movies that i used to watch. So I wanted to be the super hero policeman who will bash up the bad guys and rescue the damsel in distress, or save the world from the evil clutches of Amreesh puri. But, in all of them movies, the wife/lover/family of the hero would be held ransom by the bad guys, which i found a bit complicated. In some movies, they even killed them. Now that is unnecessary and complicated. I have to save the world, as well as the wife and the family. So i decided not to get married, so that i only have to save the world. Well, those where my first thoughts on not having a family. 

As i grew up, i decided not to get married, because i doubted relationships. I started to question the institution of marriage, as i saw, in real life, the wife sleeping  with someone else when the husband is not around. I saw instances when the Husband would cheat on the wife. It hurt me a lot, and it got scary, as i had thoughts of my wife in fantasy cheating on me. Possible, yes, may be, but what if?

As I grew up, i travelled more. I got out of my environment which thought me that marriage is a rosy affair, and that everyone should get married. i started to see real life, i interacted with people of different states, cultures, countries. I saw different outlooks, i saw different lifestyles. I started to drink and smoke, which was the third major breakaway from the rules i set in my childhood. Everything turned upside down, and all the faith i had in life had to be erased and re - written. 

And as everyday rises, another faith that i had had t be re - written. The pain to do that, and the pain i had to go through when i realise things are not the way i thought it is, is hard. I no more expects my life partner to be a virgin, in fact i want someone who is not. I realise it is possible for the wife to cheat me, and i have to learn to live with it. I realise money is nothing, i realise i will have to hurt someone somewhere for me to be happy. I realise I dont have to life for a goal, i realise, i will never be a good father. And even now, every rule that i live with, had to be re - written by myself, so that i feel better everyday. If not, I will be upset that that particular rule is broken.

Every day, every incident changes me, my views, my outlook. I realise i dont have that thing called ethics. I realise i am breaking off from every rule that people around me have. And that means I will be the loser as per public opinion, that means i will become the outcast, that means i wont fit in. That means i become the example of what someone is not supposed to be. And that means i am mostly the laughing stock when i am n a gathering. 

Deep down inside, there are some writings, some values, which has gone faint, but not gone. No matter how hard i try to erase them, it refuses to go. And when i try to break off from those rules, it hurts. It hurts bad. real bad. 

I need money and occasional sex to live. I guess that is what i am reduced to, now.

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