WTF?

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Yes, WTF.

My drinking has gone down, i dont feel like getting drunk much. Even though i have a drink frequently these days rather than the wednesday - sunday pub days, I dont drink much. I sometimes have a small drink before i leave to office in the morning, and have another small drink in the evening. The smoking have gone down drastically after that fatefull sunday when i smoked almost five 20 packs( yes, about 100)  in a day, breaking my previous record of 80. I did not smoke for about 2 weeks, and now i dont even feel like smoking much unless i am in the pub. Strange. I am not smoking weed either. 

I find it similar to the sunspot activity. I realised one good thing about me - i cannot be perpetually addicted to something - anything. Possibly because i overdo everything, that the mind and the body get bored of it. Was the case with porn in my early pre teens, alcohol, cigarettes  and weed in my late twenties. I never tried anything else in terms of hallucinogens, possibly because i am too scared of injections, and also because i am scared of not being in control of myself. I am scared of letting a chemical take charge of my conscious mind. 

Right now, i am at peace, and i guess after a long, very long time, The last time i was this peaceful should be in 1998. Well, till 1998. I have always been this confused mind who never gets satisfied with anything, who was at times too aggressive and at times too lazy. Too lazy to an extent that i decided to skip my exams. To aggressive to an extent that i kept on working for a week, continuous, without even one hour of sleep, taking breaks only to eat and to take a loo break. I have lost the aggression long time back, but the laziness hooked on to me. I should say the hard work payed off. My vision on life was never clear till recently, I felt like no one or like a loser, felt confused on many things in life but arrogantly decided not to listen to advises. I sticked to being myself,  Ignored the warning of hell when i decided to be an atheist, ignored the warning if i do not clear my exams in time, and ignored the warning  of a wayward life. True, I never was popular, never made decent savings for someone my age and in my industry, and never made it through the matrimony industry.  But, as years roll by slowly, i can actually see myself leading a life i actually wanted in my childhood. I never actually wanted to make money, never actually wanted to get married, never wanted to be employed in a multinational company with a huge pay packet. I did travel well as i wanted, i do what i like for a living, and i have the ulitimate. Freedom. Cant ask for more. 

What i never thought that i would need, is the partner. Not a wife, a partner. May be not even a partner, someone i can do things i like with. Somebody with which i dont need any commitments, Some one with whom i dont have to fall in love with. 

Where things simpler when i had a screwed up life? All i had to do is to get drunk and sleep. I had a solution for every problem. When most of the problems i used to have are no more there, I find it complicated. I am peaceful, but i dont feel like getting drunk. i miss that pleasure of sinking into sleep happily after getting drunk after a bad day. I dont get that same feeling anymore. 

may be i should not think much. May be i should TRY to smoke up. 

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