l'amour stupide

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Guess what i miss these days is a one night stand. 

At least, i would love to believe so.

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Da Job.

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Yes.
I am working. For a company. At the capital city of the so called god own country. Nothing big, but comfortable. it is very strange that I am not complaining.

May be, this is the much wanted change. May be, its because I want that distance from many of the people. May be, I want to be estranged myself.

I dont know if I am at peace. but I am drinking everyday these days.

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The dawn of the dusk.

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Dusk dawned and there he stood staring at the orange light in the sky. Brisk, shivering rhythm of the heart beat have given way to a calm and composed tune. Nothing seemed to be felt. The limbs could not feel their existence and the brain could not listen to its own thoughts. The skin felt disconnected from the flesh. Thin, long cuts remained undone all over the pale skin. Blood refused to peek out of the cuts and pain refused to hide below the flesh. There he stood, feeling the pain of every single wound, that he took over the years. Some self made, some from friends, and some from people he dont even know. It has been a while he has seen the sun rise, it has been a while since the rain showered on him all over to heal the pain. He tried to take another step. He refused to curse the fate. He refused to even change a muscle on the face.

A squirrel popped out its tiny head out of the small hole in a nearby tree. He has been observing this thin man for years now. As usual, the squirrel climbed on to this shallow branch, to have a closer look at this person. He looked at his face. They seemed to be having this conversation :

" I dont think you can move."

" I know. But you dont need to remind me. "

" Well. You took the wrong decision"

" Well. I have taken a lot of bad decisions."

" And you have hurt people"

" Yes, i did hurt many people purposefully."

" Dont you think you deserve it?"

" Well. may be. But i will still stare at the faint yellow light. I will still want the sky to rain. i cannot change my want, for even what i want is not wanted by me. "

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The ****ing point.

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The point is not to get out of it.
It is to find out where I have to get out from.

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Me and the phone.

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It pains when someone like me, who hardly use the phone, look desperately at it to see the screen saver change.

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Summer Sun

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Summer sun never inspired.
Probably because it was a bit too much.

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The aam admi.

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I am getting sick of this word, and I am furious. Its all about what the aam admi didnt get. Every time, there is a hike in the fuel prices, there is an increase in the price of the onion, the blame game starts with the aam admi. Alright. over 70% of India is the aam admi, or the common man (Which, I am also a part of).

I dont want to write a lot, and ramble on. Just ONE line. 

The state of affairs of a country is the EXACT reflection of the behavior pattern for the majority of population. 

So if the common man wants better facilities, better change your attitude.

You may stop giving the bribe, you may stop spitting on the road, pile up your entire kitchen waste on the road and complain that the government aint taking action. You may stop harassing your kids for better marks, and you may teach your kids better behaviour by setting an example yourselves. You may work better for the nation, then, YOU have the right to question the government you yourselves put into power. 

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The time before the orgasm :P

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It is not the love that you enjoy the most.
It is the strive to get that love, the most enjoyed thing.


Just like, you yearn for more time before an orgasm.


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(He he .. i put that title just to attract more people into this post :P:P  *evil grin*)

Scratching the deep inside

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Life passes by with every instant teaching you another possible state of things. Never, do these instances repeat, either. Reinstates my earlier finding, that there is nothing to be learnt from life.

Every little thing carries an irony of its own kind.

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The power of small things.

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I was, very peaceful when I walked out of my home, to take the train to err... Trivandrum. Seems like my much hated place is going to be my place for some time now. I got out early, thinking of a possibility to have a gin and rum mix, and possibly some food. I was way too early, So I decided to catch a bus rather than the usual last-minute-auto. I have started to love buses, especially when a beer and a litre of petrol costs the same. So, with the aforementioned peaceful mind, I got out of the bus, ready to catch the auto to my favourite drinking place. 

No Auto? Damn. Cant see one, in the heart of the city, and which ever came into my proximity had a whole family/bald man/oversized lady/ and the the likes in it. Well.. I decided to walk on. Slight frustration started to pour in. 

I walked in, and this bus came at supersonic speed, and honked right behind me, while i was very much on the footpath. S*** scared, I jumped off to the left to avoid any contact with the gigantic scrap of metal. Adrenaline. Damn. $%^&*. 

Cursing the bus, I walked on, only to put my feet in a puddle of mud. Damn again. 

I walked and walked, and I started t sweat, possibly the added affect of the adrenaline. Still, no auto in sight. And in no time, I was at the drinking place. 

Well. The people have changed. No on I used to know. even the bar boys. And the table I dropped in had scraps of food and it seems like they have no intention to clean it up. And when I had a look at the watch, the time for the train was closing in. So Instead of the peaceful sip, I had quick gulps, and rushed to the station. 

Well yes. As usual. A thick mustached, pot bellied, bald idiot sitting on my seat. My polite requests did not deter him, he asked me to simply climb up my berth and sleep !. Well. 

Only a couple of weeks back, I had my most peaceful couple of weeks in Singapore.  Not that I did not have issues. My robot had to retire early, and I had spent a fortune making it. I should have been real upset for that. But, all those two weeks, No buses honked, People were courteous, Eating places were clean, and There was no rush whatsoever. People wait patiently when an elderly crosses. They dont swear. Nothing. I was peaceful.

Its not the big things or the big buildings or crystal clean footpaths. Its all in the people. I had created a big mess in trains, Have shouted at an entire Punjabi family , cursed an old couple in such a volume that the TTE came in from the other compartment to see whats happening. When small things accumulate, people behave bad. The boy at the bar, the driver who honks, the guy in the government office who takes bribe, the boy in the classroom who slaps the teacher, the guy who raped and killed the girl in the train. Everyone. Things would have been much better if we take care of the smallest of the things. And the same is the easiest, and that is the irony of it.

Dressing up.

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I dress up in black.
Possibly because the old scars are all black.
Possibly because I sometimes think I can hide them.

Mis concepts.

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En Transit.

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The wet, floor of the runway. Little games played by little kids. Serious talks from the adults. Restless youth. Old people who seems to think something unconfortable. It is when people are left to do nothing, that we see their hearts. I have no idea which group I belong to. I long not to be human, and that feeling is no more bringing me that uneasy chill down the spine.

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That peace of mind.

It is raining. Heavy. The place I want to go is hardly meters away. I do not have any inventions which will take me there without getting me wet. So I sit here, in this bus stop, with a long faced old aged chinese man and an equally old chinese woman. Having nothing to do except to wait for the rain to pour out less, I took the book and started to scribble this down. Well. It seem to be a perfect place to write, and a perfect climate to scribble down things. 

I am getting late. Never mind. The rain and the wind seem to soothe me down. The fact that I am at a very different latitude and longitude than I used to be does not excite me anymore. Had it been six years back, I would have been amused, curious, excited and happy. I have now reached to a point where even travel seemed to be less amusing. Things seem to be vacant, and I feel myself to be a bag of organic material, following chemical instructions of a stupid form, originating from a location I have no clue about. I feel to be on a three way line, of survival, existence and living. Still, I could feel the noticeable difference - I am at peace. The peace that has eluded me for years. I am not angry or irritated or upset that my robot failed to function as it should have, after all the money and time i have put in to make it. I dont blame my luck. I just eat, I walk, I sleep. I am at peace.

The peace came with a price, the price of numbness. Numbness to pain, pleasure or pain. The numbness to dreams. The numbness to be excited about. 

It has been an hour now, the rain does not seem to stop. People comes in from buses and leave. I see people who are happy, people who look sad. People who are disabled, people who are old. Beautiful women and handsome men. I see luxury cars passing by and I see road workers walking down in rain. Sitting here, everything seem to pass by. 

I still sit here, staring at the rain and ignoring all the water that flows below my legs. I ignore the people around me, and their emotions.

I guess peace of mind comes at the expense of everything. It comes with  the ability to discard everything and the ability of not to have desires. Such peace, are never lasting. That is the irony of it, and that is probably why  humans rarely seem to be at peace, compared to the animals.

Conversations VI

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-- As I said earlier, this wont work out.
~~ You cant be that negative. Well. In fact you are a bit too negative. You need to learn to see the brighter sides of things.

-- You know, once these two guys got into this lift, and the lift broke down.
~~ ..

-- And one of them, was the guy you were taking about. The brighter side guy. So he kept on telling the other one, that they will definitely get out without issues.
~~..

-- The other guy was my kind of guy.
~~ Yeah. Well., why dont you come to the point.

-- Well, they got out together, obviously.

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Conversations V

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~~  Dream? Yes. I want to travel round Paris.

-- You got the money?
~~ No,

-- How can you probably go, then?
~~ That is the point. Most of the good things, are for rich, successful people.

-- Who is a successful guy?
~~ A guy with fulfilled dreams. A guy, who achieved everything he wanted. Who has realised most of the dreams he had. So when death comes in and ask him to leave this earth, he whole heartedly decides to leave.

-- I am a very successful person., I guess.
~~ No, you are not.

-- How can you say?
~~ You dont even have a job.

-- See, I just followed your definition
~~ Yeah. Blame it on me.

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Conversations IV

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-- How has life been?

~~ Normal.

-- Hmm. Normal. What does that mean.

~~ That it is just as it is. Nothing real good or real bad happens. See, if I won a lottery ticket, life is good. If my car crashed into the tree round the corner, life is bad. If I get laid down by this chick i have been seeing at the bar, life is good. If i got a slap on the face, it is bad. see. Simple.  If something which happens everyday happens, life is normal.

-- Well.

~~ I heard you are having a rough patch.

-- Did you?

~~ Something like ....

-- Well. Life is normal. 

~~ I guess I shouldn't have defined.

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Conversations III

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~~ No, I dont believe in that story. See, you cant believe these words.

-- Why not?

~~ You should believe what you see, and not what you hear.

-- Yeah, i have read that in a t shirt.

~~ yeah yeah.

-- See, I think we should have a coffee now.

~~ Cant. The train comes in 5 mins.

-- Says who?

~~ The large sized public address system.

-- Dont believe it, Cause you heard it.

~~ yeah. yeah. Whats the point.?

-- Things are relative.

~~ They are. SO?

-- Nothing..

~~ Why nothing?

-- Because it IS relative. I wanted to say something I want you to believe. But since things are relative, you will believe it in your way and may not respond it in a way i want you to, because the very reason why I want to tell you something might be for the responses i want from you. It is real weird, because, all we need as a social animal, are the responses from each other. A smile, a look, a laugh, a pat, this, that. Sometimes even the brain have no idea about the response the other person will give. But still, he wants them. Its called curiosity.

~~ Einstein !. Evey one knows what curiosity is.

-- Yes, they do.  What is YOUR point.

~~ You should sleep well.

-- Sigh. Think so.

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Conversations - II

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-- Its been three months now.. still, cant we be in love?
>> See, you are not the kind of guy.

--Well then, what kind of guy is your kind of guy?
>>Well. Simple. He should be rich, tall, fair, athletic, loyal and smooth.

--Well. Why should he fall in love with you?

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The last sunset

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Shall the sunset
Bathe you in desperation
To live a whole new life
When you shall exhale
The last breath of your
Ever untamed soul.

Shall the sunset
Call your unknown names
To hear the unheard cries
Once left ignored
For the lustful eyes of your
Ever hungry heart.

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Conversations - I

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~~ It is something I never understood. Why is it that there has to be marriage? Why cant people just live together?

>> It is a security thing. If you are married, the guy just cant leave the wife and go. If you are not,  the guy can just leave the girl and go for another woman. We are not like the west. We have family values and a rich culture based on family bonding.

~~ Why do they have to live together if they dont feel like?

>> Well. It is complicated. Bonds are important. It builds up social security.

~~ Yes. Yes. I know. I know.

>> Well?

~~ Was thinking of social security and family bonding these days.

>> ??

~~ This girl comes to me once in a while. We hook up once in a while. She tells what her husband dont do to her and this and that. I guess she is trying to build up social security.


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