New Year

.
Kissing goodbye
to my dear soul mate
.
Hoping for another one
with flesh and bones
.
And a heart
.
As I step
Another year into death
.

Soulmate - II ( aka alcohol -II )

__

Seven pieces of icicles
to melt all over her

Two pieces of lemon
sprayed all over her

Half piece of moon
to light the midnight sky

shy, tickling wind
to light the fire inside

Another night with the soul mate
Another time to feel good

The feel is still the same
I need more out of her

Have my skin to feel numb
Have my eyes to hallucinate
Have my legs to feel light
Have my mind to fly high

Have my life on a count down.


*

The costly affair

.
What does it take
To let it in
How much does it take
To let them all in

And how much to loose
Once every one is in?
Once everything is in?
.

Has to be me

.
..
No
Who will
No
They wont
Obvious
It has to be me
It cant be them
..
.

The Chastity Belt

.


I always maintained, it to be a womans world.I still maintain it, but its just that i would like to add a bit of twist to it.

The existence of woman means the existence of the man. Long time back, somebody had the idea of creating two different types of the same kind, and let them mate, so that we can have a replica of the original. In simple terms, sex has to exist, for there to be babies. (Test tubes were not invented then)

While animals still continue to see no taboo in having sex anytime they feel like, the "intelligent" human beings decided otherwise. Somewhere in the evolution line, there existed perverts, or idiots, who decided to cover up the genitals, for no reason whatsoever. The genitals, who share equal rights as any other organ in the human body, which has the burden to do the hated(read urination) and the pleasurable (read sex) activity, and was denied the basic right of fresh air and sunlight.

Sadly, the perverts refused to be extinct.
And they invented chastity.

This post was a result of the newspaper news today that a movie actress was caught in town for obvious reasons - caught at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person. Made me wonder - It is the same actress that acted in several scenes which displayed obvious acts of sex, and these movies could pass the censor board, and it could reach the theaters. And she is caught for doing it in private - (Now show me somebody - male - who have never seen an adult movie within his teenage or post teenage years)

Yes, we have people staring at sleeveless hands of woman, and who accuse women for not dressing decent - Suddenly the fault is with the girl, and not the libido of the man - and who is the culprit??

I remember a strange sight at thrissur - when i was doing my pre degree - all film posters showing a sleeveless hand was painted black !! The order came from a lady district collector. I always thought district collectors are well educated.

And scenes of molestations and news of child rape still floods the morning news. I will never blame the person who does a rape - let the victim be a grown adult or a 5 year old. Neither am I justifying the person. The criminal may be punished, in accord with the crime done. But it doesnt stop the breeding of future criminals. - In the context of this post - sex criminals.

More often, its the social set up - the people including me and you - These crimes are a byproduct of the social set up we have. We make a fuss out of the entire issue, we make the child scary of his/her own sex organ. We make sex a crime, we make sex untouchable. Our society and law does not permit extramarital sex - means, anyone who cant marry for different reasons, should not have sex. This is what I call denial of human right!!!

And then, a smart guy invented the sex worker - known as a prostitute, a whore, bitch, whatever.

But, I always see them as just another woman. I give her more respect than i give to the make up clad snobbish middle aged housewife, who does nothing all day but to watch TV, bully on her maid, nag on her husband, and build socially irresponsible citizens out of her own children. The best example would be the school shoot out recently in Delhi. The society needs more sex workers than these kind of fat ladies (normally they are fat - there are exceptions too), just to reduce the number of crimes on woman. And prostitution needs to be legalized, certified with regular health check ups and awareness on AIDS. Porn movies need to be legalized, so that someone with a sexual frustration can let it out - especially teenagers.

The male sexual frustration can be understood only by men, it can never be understood by a woman, so it is very natural that 99% of the ladies who will read this will disagree with me. And 80% of male population might disagree with me, in public - but every potent male will agree with me in principle.

The worst part - still, they all expect their wives to be a virgin!!
Best of luck guys!! it is the 21st century!!!


.

Being Romantic

The cool and careless breeze
caressing your face and hair

All shades of green gathered
around you by nature

Lying down on your back
to the colourful evening sky

Mixed emotions of flowers
blossomed all over you

You cant be more romantic
But you are just short of a girl.

.

Silence

Sometimes, Silence can be the most irritating.
.

Jealousy

Married people have been asking me to get married soon.
Jealous, i guess.

The Evil Monster - IV

Time and time she was reminded
There wont be shade all the time
For winter shall follow the spring

So it was said, so it was decided
To let years pass by
And if the she could stand the tree
The monster shall hold her hands

Sun has grown older, So did time
Some where it was written in bold
The princess shell be saved
A kingdom awaits with a prince

And there shall be a fortress
Which can shield her, day and night
For she is a princess
And shall not sleep under a tree

And the tree shall survive all the years
Though it would refuse anyone below it.
..

And the story teller retired.

..

Writing Emotions

Emotions should not be expressed in words.
Any representation by words could be a misrepresentation.

Jobin 1:3

When things never go right, you can always try changing the definition of "right"

Jobin 1:3

The Evil Monster - III

Years will fly by
The princess will remain princess
The monster will remain evil

Thoughts of regret
shall haunt the princess

And the monster shall reach
the heights of hypocrisy

Pessimism

My pessimism was the result of my optimism
And my atheism was the result of my theism.

The Promises

Where is the treat i was promised
To be kind to the people around
Where is the peace of mind promised
For bringing cheers to the cheerless

And then paradise is promised
If I praise the lord
And I am offered eternity
If I am in heaven

And where is the people around
who assured me the gifts

And when i meet them they say
Gifts shall be delivered
If not done for the gift

And when if done not for the gifts
They shall be delivered in heaven

Fun

When everything came so easy,
it was no fun
When everything came difficult,
It wasn't fun either

Nothing

When you look for something
It is never around you
When you look for nothing
It is always around you

Square One - II

Back to square one

where heaven would be great
where at lease hell would do
where nothing else would do

Jobin 1:2

Watch your back
since you cant

look ahead
since you can
while you can


jobin 1:2

The Evil Monster - II

Never caring about others emotions,
The evil monster loves to play with emotions.

Others emotions.

So was it,
Another casual day
and then came the fairy tale princess.

flaunting as many emotions
a simple teenage girl can
Looking for a shade
in the bright sunshine

four years has passed
since she saw
the tree and the shade
the monster showed her.

The evil monster

"And then the princess was freed
from the clutches of the evil monster
who imprisoned her for four long years"

so sang the story teller.

Hero is still unknown.

Jobin 1:1

The power to gather people around
comes with the power to un-gather them

jobin 1:1

Better world

And as i look around, everyone wants a better world!!!

And i dont!!

What do you (Yes, you, who is reading this right now) think???

1_> I am the few lucky ones who got everything, and who is satisfied with everything i have??

or

2_> I am unlucky, since i dont have a reason to live??

or

3_> I am selfish, in not trying to make a better world, ???

or anything else??

do comment!!!

And then..

And then, there came better men
Somebody saw them.



felt better.

Falling in Love

Feels like falling in Love
again

Feels like melting into romance
again

Feels like feeling being loved
again

Feels like falling in love
with eternity.

again.

Used to be

I used to be me
.
But I am someone
.
I am not used to
.
Someone
.
I do not know
...
..
.

Love

"There is no one other than you
I am most comfortable with you

With you around, I dont see anyone
With you around, I dont need anyone
With you around, I am most secure

My love is eternal,
Dies with me"

said she.

He asked her
to open her eyes
she refused.

And time cured her insanity.

Then she opened her eyes
to the world
All past went absurd.
.
.

doggone days

Yes, (My) dogs are gone.

Even though I dont own the dogs, I always call them my dogs. With them around, no down to earth burglar, goonda, criminal of any kind, or even the good old innocent looking passerby would dare to enter the compound. There aint any kennel house, and they were never tied in their entire life!!! (Yes, except when they are given a bath)

Sigh.. they are gone.

With the death of my house owner, (I live on the top floor) his wife, now 71, was left alone, with my company and the two dogs. And you can guess what my company is like. So she decided to move to chennai, to her sister.(Not entirely because of my company) And the dogs were sent to a dog loving family in Thrissur. One was a BIG black LAB, the other one a breed even the finest dog breeder will fail to understand. The only things these dogs are afraid of is the friendly neighbourhood tom cat, who loves to slap them once in a while!! Yes, I aint joking!!

Anyway, they are gone. Truth is really depressing.
More depressing, I have to find a new house!!

Woman.

I wish this species never walked Earth. Even though that would make me homosexual.
No .. there are other options. Man should have been uni sexual. like the amoeba??

I dont know if the emotion can be called hate. The male of the species have not irritated me this much. Right from the ages of Cleopatra, woman has been the root cause of many wars, bloodsheds, mutiny, and all kind of disasters man can think of. (Oxford recently changed the proverb. the new version says - behind every war, there is a woman.) Still, women refuse to discontinue the tradition, and they follow it with all pride, as if it is their birth right. No, I never engaged in any kind of war, quarrel, dogfight, catfight, word fight, or any fights whatsoever in the name of a woman, but i did have a great deal of broken relationships. And as I approach the age, when every MAN is supposed to tie the "knot", i am digging out reasons for not doing so. Here are some...

1) Very, very expensive
2) Needs protection 24x7
3) High maintenance
4) Least on brain, high on gossip
5) Talks when she should be silent
6) And vice versa
7) Cant possess more than one.. its catastrophe!!
8) Stores the biggest weapon against men .. sex
9) And uses it against men to get things done... grrrrrrr

as always, more contributions are invited from more experienced, unlucky men.

I am not a women hater.. (Even though i love to hate them)

But i wish they evolve.. and gave men more space...
sigh.. except for the periods and pregnancy..

its a womans world!!!

.

May be - II

Yes, he says he is fine.
Yes, he says he aint fine.

Yes, he says he need love
Yes, he says he hate love

Yes, he loves to be alone
Yes, he hates to be alone.

He is
Just being happy
In being sad.
May be thats why.

The difference

We can set our dreams, to make the world a better place. We shed out tears, when we see the down trodden. We lend our helping hand to the old lady down the street. Food is offered to the hungry, empty kid. We extend a holding hand to the lonely, tearful soul. We sympathize and empathize with the people we feel sad of.

Some of us want to make the world a better place.

And yes, the old lady died happily. And the kid never felt hungry again. The lonely heart lived life with lots of love around. Yes, we made some of them feel better.

And then years passed by. As we all go back to our place in the universe, it becomes so obvious..

Even if we shell out the kindest acts of sympathy, or turn into Mother Teresa (with all due respects to the fine lady), or cry hard for Mother earth(Yes, i do love nature), the world remains the SAME!!!

It doesnt matter if the kid died of hunger.. it doesnt matter if the world turned utopia while we died. It doesnt matter if the world exists for the human species.

The sun still shines the same. Come what may.

Change the world syndrome? Fair and unfair world? exam depression? Love lost?

eh?

Geliophobic - III

Getting used to
being one.

Geliophobic - II

One of the quickest learners
of being one.

The lessons

Life doesnt teach
the same lesson
to everyone.

then why is it that
we have to learn
the same lessons
at school??

Bad guys

Bad guys can

...cheat
...get drunk
...sleep with anyone they want
...be free of emotions
...forget about family
...be a hermit
...do what they want to

"good" guys cant!!!

still, why is it that everyone want to be a good guy???

Misrepresentation

.
Truth could be depressing
.

may be thats why
.
they invented
.
misrepresentation
.

Wiping them tears - the easy way

The main caption goes: "Jesus will wipe your tears, at Kaloor Stadium Ground, on 4th october"

Wonder if we have to bring the towel along??

The last straw

The feeling of
Burning them all
and holding on
to the last one
half burn..

The Dead End

What are the possible options
Once you are in front of
this shiny yellow board

Geliophobic

In the process
of being one.

Aint the same

Its been a long long time
since i last stared at the mirror
Its been a long, long time
since i felt my face

Times have changed
and skin have changed
vision have changed
and feelings have changed

Can see more
from left to right
can feel less
from skin to skin

cant talk straight
from heart to heart
can think straight
from me to me

Cant see things
What my kin seems to see
cant hear voice
that my kin seems to hear

I see the dark, obscure face
staring back, behind the mirror
I caress my face, my skin
They aint anyway the same

The things we need

By the time we are sure of
the things we really need
we have all things we don't
and its time to go.

What you get

Its when you get something
that you know
what you have been giving.

The Thought

"You are not what i thought you are!!"
well, it was your thought, not mine!!!

The price

Sometimes,

the price you might have to pay
for dreaming a dream of your dreams
could be the dream itself

The Countdown

Yes, I have a lab of my own and i do have some interesting equipments and experiments running. Poeple find it difficult to understand them, but its their problem, not mine.

It has been some time since i wanted to start a countdown.

The control panel i have designed seemed to be too complex. It was crowded with switches of different dimensions and shapes. One press of a wrong button, and the world would explode. But never mind, i have been pressing the wrong buttons, and i am sort of used to it..

The lab was psychedelic, and thin grey smoke from the tranformers filled in the air. A faint red warning light kept flickering, crying about the lack of fuel. The white board was filled with calculations, all of them proved to be wrong.

And in through all these, the machine i finally built stood upright, staring its metal eyes at me, asking me as to the delay to activate it.

A press of the shiny, red button and the countdown to activate it would begin.
A soft touch of my index finger on the button gave me shivers. The face on the computer screen seemed to be restless. The face was a replica of mine, created by myself, programmed with the indegenious state of the art artificial Intelligence algorithm. The face which has been asking me to do things, all these days. A face, which never seemed to tell a lie. A face, who helped me build up my machine.

Staring back at the face, it occured to me..
That the countdown have already started, long time before..

long twenty seven years back,
since the moment,
i was conceived!!

The Knot

Yes, it may be a marriage knot.
But its still
a knot!!

Being an animal

Some people, hate animals !! Arrogant people are called different animal names, and certain species of ladies are called "bitches" (I searched the thesaurus, and found the meaning to be the female dog. ha ha) So many people have accused me being animal like, which i never took as an offence, for i always wished i were born an animal, for different reasons quoted.

1. Clothes.
I have always hated clothes. I still hate, and i see that i dont wear much when i am alone in my room. Clothes are good only in winter!!!! I dont mind being a nudist, In fact, i want to be one!! no offence intended!!! If the world were a nudist colony, 90% of the rape cases could be removed from history!!

2. Marriage.
Why? why? why do people have to marry?? If two people love each other, and they want to live together, why do they have to register it? If its all about the social issues, I wonder how many monkeys are having social issues because they dont register!! and monkeys, until at the time of my writing this, are social creatures!!

3. No Politicians
I hate that breed. I always wished i had a license to kill people. I would have tied them all behind, and shot them in 10 different places on their fluffy body!! They eat so much that they just have too much fat!! Just in case!

4. No Money
Yes, still they live happily.. In fact, they live. I dont know if they are happy or not, but as humans, are we happy all the time?? Imagine a rat carrying a mastercard..

5. No suicide
Yes, as i have mentioned elsewhere in my blog, they dont kill themselves!!

6. No GOD
Yes, i dont believe in GOD. Animals dont either, as i believe. They dont have a heaven or hell to be worried about. They dont kill in the name of GOD. They dont build up temples or churches. Imagine a religious cat!! and a terrorist dog..

7. No Doctors, No serious health issues.
Yes, They dont have AIDS issues. Even if they have, they just dont worry, cause they dont know!! And they dont have to wear rubber each time!!!

8. Sexual Freedom
Dont take me as a sexual fanatic. Since they started writing history, all the girls are warned as to the virginity issue, and ladies used to wear the chastity belt, and the key would remain with the husband. I dont know if the ladies had a duplicate, but thats a different case.

We are all modulated as to the overrated importance of physical relationship in any relation between a man and a woman. Its very difficult for men to accept a non - virgin girl as his husband, and girls have to carry the guilt into the wedding, or some of them even suicide.

Well, The mindset has been, at least in India, modulated, and manipulated, and its very difficult to change. The writer, who is also born and brought up in India, had great difficulties in tuning my mind towards the concept of total freedom. Cant help it. Still, as i look around, at least 5 out of 10 married couple have extramarital physical relationship. So whats the point in marrying??

Its easy to say, a bit difficult to type. But its not possible to change the mind of billions of people.
The world has been, and will go on. Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for the majority, we are born human, and have to die human. We just have to live on, live a life which we have absolutely no control of. Some may disagree. This topic is for another day!!

Yes, I wish I were an animal. Any animal. But i sometimes do feel bad when people call me names.

Old feelings seldom die!!!

PS: yes, I feel the grass is greener on the animal life. Very Humane!!!

Lies - II

"I will never forget you"


Inhumane.
Never.
Lie.

Out of sight

Out of sight..

Out of mind.

Being amused

I used to be amused.

Of the stars
Of the sea
Of the speed
Of the prettiest girls
Of everything

Then it happened
World failed to amuse
But music survived

But these days, Let it be

The fastest finger work of Kirk Hamett
The tranquilizing Gilmour
The hallucinating Robert Plant
The synergic Iron maiden
The philosophical Jim Morrison
The inspiring Aerosmith

The mind still refuse
To be amused
Of anything.

Anything.

Lies - 1

" I love you without any reason"

absurd.
Lie.
Lust.

Humane.. very Humane

Everybody wants
to go to Heaven

But no one
wants to
DIE!!!

(Found this poster somewhere in the net, couldnt resist posting it. )

Comfortably Confused

Yes, things can turn around and make you a mess.
If you are already a mess, it can turn you worse.
Or if time doesnt make things worse, you tend to believe in yourself,
that being the belief that, come what may, you are worse.

Its then you find yourself a comfortable corner in this house of the bad and the ugly.
You find it very difficult to feel good, when good things come to you.
When you feel comfortable with the coarse set of feelings,
this undefined emotion of "happiness" decides to get into you,
reluctantly,
as if there was no other human being left at that point of time, for it to enter.

And you worry.
And you are baffled.
Its then the dire and the hideous feelings amuse you
better than the perfect, upright and good sensations
You love to stay away from happiness
And confine to the darkest corner of yourself

Yes, you are
Comfortable.. in being confused..

Incidents

Its boring to live your life
with every incidents
screaming at you
as to how good you are
as to how great you are

Its fulfilling to live your life
with some of them incidents
assuring your brain
as to how good you are

It could be strange to live your life
with every moment, and incidents
shouting at you
as to how bad you are
as to how sad you are

Truth that lies III

Along the desert, All though the sand
As i drive hard, All against the wind

There comes the voice, along the wind
Not a whisper, never a murmer

The voice that never, showed me the way
But i always knew the way

The voice that never, asked me to
But i would have never, either

A voice that never, gave me a shade
But i never wanted, either

it was a voice
that was with me
All through the desert
All through the sand
All though the wind

And it was all
that i ever wanted.

It doesnt matter now,
if it were the truth

for its not the truth,
that i am after...

The Soul Mate (aka alcohol)

As the sun began to shine

On the other side of the world,

I strolled down the street

To my partner, my life mate

No candle lights, no etiquettes

No customs, no prayers

We stared at each other,

Right into the eyes

The obscure face, the faint lights

No gifts to exchange, no expectations

We felt the warmth of each other

Even without a touch

The lovable eyes, and the cute face

For me, and may be, for some others

For she aint loved by many

And married women, keeps her away

I reached my hands, caressed the face

Smooth but firm, it gave a sparkle

No love to be given, no jewels to be bought

No lipsticks to be eaten, no hymen to be broken

Hands tremble, legs wobble

As she melts into me

I lay floating, above my thoughts

There aint solutions to be found

As I wash my face in the morning sun

I wish yesterday never happened

And I carry the days leftover

A headache, a torn pocket, a lost appetite.

Trapped inside me

.

Standing still,
immobile

Staring back,
with blank eyes

There aint tears
you are crying snow

There aint blood flowing
these wounds are naked

There aint pain,
the brain is frozen

There aint love
the heart aint beating

There aint dreams
You are not sleeping

There aint memories
all are trapped in ice

The soul is lost
trapped inside of me

What it takes

to fall in love
with love ??

The wanderer

Wandering
obviously, without direction

Drifting
slowly, into insanity

Merging
perfectly, into the dark

Sliding
smooth, into serenity

moving on,
into eternity...

That thing called Intution

intuition: ability to sense or know immediately without reasoning..??


So,when some of us make decisions, whatever be the social and environmental circumstance or conditions, the results are the same. As expected, and as anticipated, in the last moment, history repeats.

Learning from mistakes, he then, takes an oath, in name of God, fire, water or whatever super natural power he believes in, waits for the next chance, and if he is lucky, "this time" will have "some" differences from last time.

Yes, this thing resides in every ones mind, hidden, sometimes disguised. And as we go for the most obvious, logic choice, there is this stream of thought, which suddenly pops out from thin air, pokes its nose in every irrelevant and relevant matters, guiding ones life through a path, only known to no one.

By the time you know you had a bad intuition, Its already late.

If you are lucky,You are not too late.

Waiting for my first (good) intuition.

May be

to forget
to forgive
to care
to give

I never did.
May be thats why.

Imperfections

Imperfections. millions of them.
Amalgamated.

Not again!!

This is not the first time i failed to keep my word. In fact, i dont remember the last time i kept my word.

So i decided to blog again. That thing called mood is a messy sinewave after all.

...closing down...

Yes, This blog will remain inactive until further notice.

The reasons are endless. Even I am trying to find out why i am thinking of closing this down.

It all started on 2nd of june as I thought of a new way of thinking procedure, which led me to an astonishing state of mental stability, or serenity. Needless to say, it has taken over me.

People say its pretty difficult to change your character overnight. I disagree. It took me less than a minute to induce into myself this theme of life, which the author has no intentions whatsoever to share with the readers.

So i have decided to stop writing, as it seems to be a useless way to spend your time. (i shouldnt be writing this, either) The reasons range from the lack of interest from the author, resulting from the inability to find the reason as to why i am writing, lack of interest from the readers and coming in terms with the reality that the world (mine, and urs) remains the same if i write a blog, or if i dont write a blog.


Dont know when i will be deciding on my next theme of life.

(yes, its difficult to change your character overnight, but if you dont have one, its a different story)

Of threads and scissors.

I had this dark yellow thread at my lab, ripped off from an old HP printer belt.. It was very thin, very very thin, but it was very, very strong. You just cant cut it by force..
So I used the sharpest blade, and with some effort, had a neat cut on it.

made me wonder..

....Equally interesting was some of the threads i had, before..

I once did cut a red, very thin thread, and threw away the two pieces. Some how, i still don't know how, the pieces came back on to my table, by itself, so i decided to join it together. The knot remained. And since then i have cut it over and over again, but at my time of writing, it is lying around, in one piece, with knots all over. Yes, somehow i get reminded of this thread once in three months.

And there was another one, sewed up to my shirt for a year or so. Suddenly, I lost it, may be to a sudden gust of wind. I liked it so much that i tried to find it and sew it back to my shirt, but then, the thread looked better, it now doesn't match my shirt.

And there is another one which was with me, sometimes on my head, sometimes on my feet, and sometimes on my back. I liked it much, there were no frills whatsoever. But no i have decided to clean my office off threads, so i will be letting it go.

And there are, were many of them threads. And if i had them together, or if i had them woven in fine balance of colour and strength, I would have a nice pair of dress by now, which i can flaunt anywhere..

And then, of all the things, i decided to be a nudist.

Gettiing Used to

Yes, I have to.
Or, we all have to.

There can be very strange incidents, that reccur. Yes, life has its own ups and downs, and like old men say : For every rise, there shall be a fall, and the other way round.

Technically speaking, the sine wave is the classic example.




But it feels silly,irritating, and funny when you ride through a modulated sine wave.


In simple terms, I am getting used to getting used to.

Of papa ants and mamma ants

I love to eat.

I love to keep on eating as well.

No wonder why these tiny six legged creatures love my computer table. But they are more disciplined than any other social beings... No frills nor fights at all as they 'Q' up for the tiny scraps of potato chips, "parippuvada", uzhunnuvada, and those patches of wine-stain, etc etc..

I do envy.

Taking my time off for sometime, i watched the thin line of tiny, black ants as they march on my table. I did wonder if they have any kind of relationships in their world, if there is a papa ant, a mamma ant, the sister ant, the aunty ant.. not to mention the mother in law ant.

So what if? they really had a world like us?? Imagine an ant, hanging himself, beacuse his girlfriend ant stood him up?? What if he felt bad because he didnt score well in his exams??

Ridiculous..

I do envy again. Animals dont kill themselves.

And now I hate eve. Of all the fruits in the world.. why the apple?? why?

or else, we would also be running around, (naked.. hee hee, yes i hate clothes), just like those ants.. no frills, no fights.

Worse.. the Godess of relationships love to curse me. Yes, i used to turn her down. And now, when nothing works out (as usual), due to my own silly, sarcastic, non reasonable, exaggerated reasons, i do wonder if i should be frustrated anyway.

If someone observes us, from a point very, very high, high up in the universe, they would be wondering what these silly creatures are doing. And laughing at me as i feel bad when things doesnt work out between me anyone else.

Yes, the world is very very big. Thats a different story..

But why, why why??

Why the apple?

PS: and as one of those sms - jokes say, eve should have been chinese. she would have eaten the snake first..

Square One

Clean
Beautiful
Smooth
Adorable
Cool
Big....

Square two is out of sight!!

Desire

Keeping (stupidity) alive.

At times, desire translates to actions which doesn't have any kind of justification, and makes one feel so stupid after the said action is done. Great minds ( with the exception of the author ) continues to preach as to the power of desire and dreams, and emphasises that one has to dream and should have the desire if you want to accomplish something.

The most common stimulus to impulsive desire includes the beautiful lady walking down the mall, with or without her boyfriend, the big car your wanna - be - girl friend's boyfriend own, the designer costume her best friend has, the 'n' digit bank balance you always dream of, a luxury apartment (in LasVegas??)... the list goes on

Implies anyone without a dream and desire is doomed..??

I used to have strong, very strong desire to do so many things, while i walked with pride to my self made, current state of doom-hood (its a new word. Oxford will add it next year.) And no, i didn't have any of those aforementioned desires, but i DID want to visit moon, and i wanted a ride in the latest version of time machine, just to mention a few.

So with the greatest desire and with the greatest set of dreams ever to be dreamed by any kind of sapiens that ever walked this world, i paved (dug) my own way (hole),

Only to realise i have reached my own world, exactly at the center of middle-of-nowhere, with sub-millimeter accuracy. Never knew desire had so much power.

So, dear my friend, do not allow dream, at any point of time, even (especially) in your sleep, join hands with desire. Together, they can weave the most insane kind of fabric, which leads you to somewhere far, far, south of sanity.

Yes, I know you disagree. I know people, who live because they have dreams. Who achieve because they have the desire.

These days, I live because I eat. That feels better.

I can, but i wont

The Uncertainty

The rush.
to get hold of everything you desire.

The fall.
held back by uncertainty.
CERTAINTY.

The bleeding leg

I used to be very afraid of those leeches, when i set out for those nature trips. Yes, i used to be. I still remember when i used to try hard and guard every millimeter square (a bad influence of physics and maths) of my skin. I could not bear the sight of my bleeding skin, and even with one bite of the smallest leech, all the hell in all sorts of worlds would break lose.

Things have changed.

Now i walk the jungle with slippers, and the leeches still love me.

and as the wounds increase, every year, some of us reach a point when we do not stop by to cure them. We continue the walk with the bleeding leg.

But you do not want them leeches to get higher up your legs, do you???

Of home works & class tests

Yes, at least for some time, I wish I were in school. Winding the time back two decades I slip slowly, comfortably to the good days of school hood.

The rainy thoughts of June, when i would flaunt my new school uniform, my new sticker - name - slips, a new umbrella, Shoes.. All fresh smell.

The thoughts of august when, most probably i , along with someone, would plan the designs for the flower carpet competitions. The pain in collecting money, the travel to buy the flowers from SM Street, and at last, not winning the competition. Then comes literary association, every Tuesday evening. That was one good reason to bunk classes.. If the secretary cant bunk, who can bunk, right??

October comes with Youth festivals.. The drama, the rehearsals. Then comes, the work Experience competitions, the Science Fest, the Maths fest. Again, lots of opportunity to bunk classes. The travel for the state competitions. The time out at the instrumental music class. The hangout at the electronics lab.

December brings in Christmas, the celebrations. The Exams. January brings in sports, where i, as a scout will be helping out to prepare the ground, drawing track lines with the stupid white powder. Feb is famous for the school day, when i will be the volunteer(Yes, i have the "great" authority to enter the green room.. hee hee)

And above all, the class rooms, the drill period, when Anoop chandran, Anil and Bob Mathew will run to the TT Table.. The football legends of my class wont let me touch the ball, and i end up being the goalie when the ball is not around. And when the ball comes near the goal post, somebody will announce "Goalie change" and take my coveted position.

The intervals, the Karate Class. I still remember the kick from romal, on my face and i could not speak for 3 days. And i remember i had 5 girls (ya, beautiful girls of course) watching the fight when i got the kick.

My bicycle. The fall, again in front of girls.

Chinjoop. Abhay. John. Joseph. Kiran. Anoop chandran. Anoop V. Anoop VK. Abhilash MV. Anoop Joseph. Dhanoj KP. Hari Suhas. Harish Soman. Jomy. Jijesh. Jithesh. Deepu Issac.Fajith. Arafath(has left us). Alex. Aravind. Hani Raman. Bob Mathew. Jim Joe Drucker. Jiby. Anoop KP. Ligeesh. Bebin CJ. Manoj. Nirmal. Vinod. Manu. Manjula. Ramya. Rukma. Sabi. Vandana. Anima. Ambily. Jain. Asha. Aparna. Sreyas. Sreyas (Beedi). Riyas. Amjith. Anil. Arun thomas.

The ones i remember, right now. not in any particular order.

Irritating nostalgia. I have to invent the time machine. ASAP.

Truth that lies - II

The voice came again
In Time

The voice was sincere
This time

The voice may not be
Next time?

I dont know.
I cannnot predict.

Voices come from humans,
Dont they?

The Test

When you have lost the last bit of hope
Its easy to pass the Failure test.

When you have lost the last option
Its easy to pass the Decision test.

Of Negatives and Positives.

I am confused. I had something in mind when i started this string. Now i have lost the thread to air.

hey i think it was something like this..

"Negative thinking makes you comfortable with negatives and positives, but positive thinking makes you comfortable with just the positives.

or is it that positive thinking cannot handle negatives and that negative thinking can help both positives and negatives?"

......Feels like i am cracking up ..... or have already??

The Chase

I should not be chasing people...
they might be running away from me

Hunger

my weakness
my irritation
my desperation
my rage
my Exhaustion

my point to live

Freedom - II

Things we have to sacrifice
For our kind of freedom

aint bigger than
Our kind of freedom

failures...

i need more

for

i need more

fire

Emptiness

is not when you dont have anything inside
it is when you dont want anything to get inside

Why

is that
everyday
i feel like
i want
to
die

Challenge

The biggest challenge i (might) face will be
How long i would be able to hold on to my own hands

getting fat (or a pot belly)

(signs when you get fat)

gone are those days when i always had to use a belt, because they don't sell jeans with a waist size less than 28. They still don't sell them, but now i have to purchase the ones with a size 32. Reality bites. Sure it does.

1) Now i can rest my hands on my stomach
2) You have to purchase new set of jeans, yes, underwears too (I mean, a whole new wardrobe)
3) You still keep the old pair of jeans, hoping that you will get slim one day (you never will, obviously!!)
4) My thighs touch each other while walking (now this is a tough one)
5) I am forced to change the way i walk (i walked this way 27 years) just because my thighs touch each other, and it burns the skin
6) Loosen your pant button every time you eat something
7) Cant tuck in your shirt
8) You get a guilty feeling when you eat something good
9) You try to change your mirror thinking the mirror is slightly bulged
10) When everyone says you have got fat, you think they are lying... (no they aint)

.... and many, many more....
contributions accepted

Modern Poetry.

kk#$^$^%$dfflgsdsds!
sdfsdffks%$^;asdfsdfs..
asdffksdffsdf;sdfdfsds!!
sdfsdfl;;'sd57&^%&;sd'...

dfkl;;s&^&^&;sdf;l
dsfsdfl;l;l,;)())Lsdflkms
dfasdpoffl85&%&sdf;sf
dfkl;;s&^&^&;sdf;l


If they can do it with paintings, why cant we, with words???


Title: restlessness
Medium:finger on Keyboard
Price: can be negotiated.

Time

Be it the glory
Be it the ecstacy
Be it the laughter
Be it the gaiety

Beware.. you are with him

Be it the disappointment
Be it the emptiness
Be it the anxiety
Be it the pain

Relax.. you are with him

Be it the numbness
Be it the void
Be it the unexplained
Be it the confusion

Wait.. you are with him

I wish
I were
without him.

In a world
Without him

What if??

Man:
So.. what i say is true. if you dont marry me, i wont think of any other female on earth.
i wont even look, or even think of having even a glance on the most beautiful girl, even if she is on the nude. If you are not mine, i will continue to caress the stream of memories about you.

Woman:
so what if, i marry you??


This post is supposed to be a joke. If you dont get it, I assume, you have lost a significant part in the humour part of your brain.

Trust

I was asked to trust
and that was all that was asked

I couldnt just trust
and that was all that i could not give

Truth that lies

And when darkness spreads around me
And when i cant see through my mind
I cry out to see if
There is someone around me

I feel around and hear
voices around me
The sound seems so near
but far away from me

And one voice, i am used to hear
once in a while when i cry out loud
tells me there's nothing to fear
and not to cry out loud

And the voice murmers in my ear
thoughts that makes me feel good
whispers in my mind, things that i am
and powers i never knew i had

and as time passes, the voice vanish
and as i get along with the darkness
and i look for my powers the voice said
and understand,i dont have any

Its a voice that speaks
things that you dont have
Its a voice that tries to make you happy
With a lie, and not the truth

Because its a voice that
is not sincere with you
Because voices carry words
And words dont carry deeds.


The similarities of this post to any living being is not a coincidence. It is a deliberate attempt to manifest how i think of some things that as happened. It has, by no means, no intentions to hurt any one, but neither do i want to be the voice that tries hard to console, by shelling out a lie.

The day with the beast - II

And then, the lights were out
loud cries of ecstacy, came storming in

The spotlight hit the Nico, and the loud, pounding drums hit the metal hearts
And in a moment, when the lights were on, on stage were the guitars

it was then Bruce came running in, jumped high in the air, we all thought he might fall on us.
He landed almost on the edge of the stage, and the song cried "Different World"

Yes, we all were in a different world.
We all have just forgetten our thirst and hunger. The time has come, its time to bang into the world of Iron Maiden.

For some time, the crowd were a bit confused. We all could not enjoy the music the way we do in a pub or when a local band do a cover. Bewildered, bewitched, spellbound... we could not enjoy the music, as many of us could not believe the idols were really in front, jus 3 feet away!!

For half hour or so, i stood staring at the stage, tyring hard to come out of the cast that was spelled over me. I would stare at the guitars, the drums, and Bruce who just couldnt stick to one position for even a millisecond. He had more energy than a teenager, running and jumping around the stage as if it waas their ast tour conceert.

By the time i got my mind back, i was happy, "the number of the beast" was on air. the 30,000 something crowd were on their toes, and my head didnt have a second to rest, banging like anything. it was followed by "fear of the dark"

Up in front, i found it very difficult to move, and so i pushed myself a little left of the stage, were i had enough space. and after sometime, after i had my high, i decided it was time i get something for me to drink.

I rushed to the place where i heard they have started selling water. As i moved out from the core crowd, all i could see waas people, but also i could spot the difference between a real metal heart and the "wanna be metal hearts"

People flocked like anything, but outside the core crowed, people were just staring at the stage, some were even chatting to friends. People were moving around, and there were hardly anyone banging their heads out. Ignoring the stuff, i went out in search of water.

And suddenly, I spoted a small crowd, and i could see some fighting. it was water.

A thin, skinny man was seen on his knees, hiding something below his legs. a hundred something crowd was over him, crying, shelling out hundreds of rupees for the two bottles of water left with him. One guy offered 500 rupees for the bottle. But other guys were claining it was them who asked for it first.

And after the fight, the man lost his two bottles of water, but since people threw money around him, he wasnt on a loss in terms of money. Suddenly, all the peole left, and i, along with some, sticked around him. Yes, just as i thought, he took out another case of bottles from a "secret hiding place" , and i was one of the first to catch im off guard.. I cried, pleaded, and i got a bottle of water for 20 rupees. I fled the area in no time, as i was sure i would be mobbed if i was spotted with water. Looking back, i could see people on top of him.. (hope the God he believes in helped him)

I rushed into a dark corner, emptied half the bottle in no time. I rushed back to the front, and found a comfortable place, not too close, but good enough.

And on stage was the tank, with eddie staring out at the crowd, with a binocular.

Scream for me Bangalore....

I would never forget these words.. Bruce cried out these words once in a while, and even that could heat up the metal heart. And all of a sudden, they said a big thankyou and the lights were off..

People could not believe it, but some of them thought it was the end for sure. As they went out, i crawled in back to the front. In 5 - 10 minutes, they were back!!!!

Fifteen more minutes of music, and it really got over. The time was 9.40. I had to wait 45 minutes to get out!!!

(incomplete)

Pink Floyd - Coming back to life

Album : division Bell

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone Else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of live and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pass time
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride trough our silence
I knew the waiting had begin
And headed straight... into the shining sun

A day with the Beast

And it happened. Iron Maiden performed and i was in the front!!!

So even when my fellow dumpo bought the ticket, i was not that sure if i could make it. Had lots of work to do at office, but some how i managed to catch my bus to Bangalore, from calicut.

It was about seven when i reached the garden city. Rahul picked me up, and by 9.00, i had some idlys and a cup of coffee, my first breakfast of the day. And by 10.00, i was at Indira Nagar, where my tickets were waiting for me. As per plans, i had the second breakfast at CCD, along with Shruthi, and her sis. and by 11, i was on my way to RT Nagar, where i will have my lunch with another great dumpo friend of mine. The traffic took some time off me, and i was a bit worried if i can make it to the front row. Rahul already warned me about people camping 24 hours before at the venue.

By the time i had my lunch(?), i had a huge stomach, and it was a bit difficult to walk. I was a bit concerned about an upset stomach, the last thing i wanted at a gig like this. anyway, i bought a cap on the way to the venue, and yes, by 1.00 PM, i was there.

All i could see was black. To my relief, there were only some 500 - 600 people, crowded around the Rs 1500 gate. I just dropped in, with a one litre bottle of water, worried about dehydration.
The crowd slowly started picking up, and the female population also started growing. by the time it was 2.00, everyone was getting restless, and we all started chanting "let us in" The Sun showed no mercy, and it was pretty tough to be in the queue, the worst queue i have ever been in. Yes, we were all ready to suffer all these to see the idols of metal.

The black sea became an ocean by the time it was 2.30. The crowd started pushing, and people were getting squeezed in between. And by 2.40, the gates were open, and half my bottle was empty. I regret i didn't take my camera, as there were no real restriction on cameras, unlike the Bryan Adams show. anyway, as got in, i started looking for another bottle of water, as i knew it will be six more hours before any kind of music comes in.


The dead paratrooper
Half the stage was covered with lack curtain. In front of the stage, to the left side of me, was a dummy figure of a dead soldier, lying on a metal fencing, with barbwire. He still had his parachute on, hanging from the top of the stage. Many of us speculated he might fly up as the show went on, but nothing like that happened. Any way, the show has a war theme, and this spectre did justice to the theme.

Conspiracy
Yes, i still believe it was a conspiracy by Pepsi. No drinking water was available at the venue!! All you can get was Pepsi and 7 up and mirinda, which could make you more thirsty. I could smell trouble, and i decided to save my half litre of water. After a quick visit to the loo, i rushed back to the front.

3.00 PM
Sun was getting hotter and hotter. A gentle breeze came in once in a while. Everyone was drinking more and more Pepsi. I was now placed not in the middle, but to one side of the stage, where i didn't have the complete view. But i was in front !! its hardly 3 feet to the stage!!

3.30 PM
People in the middle started coming out because of dehydration and to get a sniff of fresh air. And i slowly started moving to the middle, filling the gaps. I took an occasional sip from my bottle, keeping my throat wet.

4.00 PM
I just turned and gazed at the crowd, only to see nothing but crowd. The 1500 area were full!!! Yes, full, that it was about to touch the Rs 900 mark!! Now i knew, if i get out of my place, there was no coming back.

4.15 PM
There was this thin cameraman sitting in one side of the stage, and everyone was asking him when the show is on. Occasionally, he would just shrug his shoulders. And when the crowd started crying for water, he would throw a bottle of water to the crowd. We all were getting baked in the sun..

Interesting crowd
Yes, the crowd was really interesting. 80 % of them wore the black Iron Maiden Tshirt.I saw people in their twenties, thirties. I saw 11 - 12 yo girls and boys. Yes, i even saw a 50 something old guy. Yes, for obvious reasons, i didn't find anyone in a churidar.

As time went by, there was this strange smoke coming up. Yes, it has nothing to do with cigarettes, but it had a lot to do with weeds. The guy behind me was an expert in it, i guess. He started mixing up the stuff with great easiness, and rolled it in special paper, smoked it, and passed it on to his friends. The more the smoke came up, the more thirsty the people were, and i knew i have to hide my bottle of water before i get mobbed up.

5.00 PM
The sun showed no mercy and it seemed it didn't have any plans to sink in.Every one wished it could rain. And then the worst thing started.. the crowd started pushing. A very dangerous act, now that the crowd was so much packed that we could not raise our hands easily. If something has fallen on the ground, just forget it. And there were no signs of fresh air around. If i go out for a bit of fresh air, i can never come in again. And i thought the crowd at the gate was the worst part!! It was a piece of cake, considering they were selling water near the gates.


5.30 PM
People could not stand the heat, and many were quiting from the front row, and now i am almost in the front, middle. No i ain't going to lose this spot. Occasional push from the crowd had me losing and gaining the place, but i was so lucky, i was placed well. People were getting more and more restless, thirsty, dehydrated, irritated. Yes, it was horrible. It was not for the weak hearted. Never did the thought of quiting came across my mind, and i was so determined not to lose my place. And yes, i occasionlly even thought of tasting on my sweat, so that i can keep my throat wet!

5.45 PM
I was in front of a bunch of ladies, whose conversation was a real time pass. Everyone was high on something, which i didn't dare to ask. They were complaining about their brother who emptied their quota of whiskey in the morning. And sometimes it went so funny that i found it difficult to hold my laugh. By now, my bottle had only a quarter of litre left, and to my shock, i understood i was the only one in my neighbourhood crowd who had at least a drop of water.

Some time after 6.00
Yes, it was getting better as mercury went down. But the energy level of the crowd went down as well. I was happy that i stuffed my stomach earlier, and i am also sure i had all the food digested by now. I could see some people in the crowd fainting, and they withdraw from their front positions, with a long sad, tired, extinguished face. The smell of sweat came floating in the air, and we were all shouting "music" and "maiden"

And at last, the opening act was coming up. it was 5 hours in the sun, without food or water, and it was very difficult for the crowd even to raise up their arms. However, when the opening act, the "campus rock idols" - FTN showed up, there was a sigh of relief

Boo Boo BOO
Yes, it was a great boo.. They tried to rev up with some original numbers, which failed miserably. The band, according to me, looked stupid too.. there was this guy wit his hair coloured green, and there were two other guitarists, i guess from the north east. The lead singer wore a tie around his T - Shirt, which, in my personal opinion, looked dumb.

Apart from the looks, i personally didn't like their style, which was very similar to Korn. They even did a Korn cover, i guess. Anyway, the crowd, from the very beginning, had their wrong finger up, and was shouting words - "asshole", "$%^hoot", "B$%^hoot" etc etc rhythmically with their beats. But i liked the integrity of the lead singer, as he stood smiling back at the audience as they booed.

The guitarists couldn't head bang... they tried, but it looked as if they were suffering from serious constipation problems, as they did it. Their face said - damn - i want to $%it now..

Well, nothing personal against the band..I do not believe they became campus rock idols for no reason.. but today, was simply not their day
And as they quit, the drummer displayed a a "vulgar" gesture, followed by the raised middle finger. I guess he was really upset about the day.

Parikrama Time
They were so many funny things happening around.. the blown up condom was a classic example. And in stage was Parikrama.

I could feel the confidence in them from their face. The excited faces, along with the upright confident posture of the band members was refreshing, and this is what the new , young bands have to learn.. get on your high before entering the stage!!!

Yes, parikrama rocked like anything. I have listened to just two of their songs before, and i liked them. Here, they were singing all originals, and i am pretty sure 80% of the crowd were listening to these songs for the first time. All i could see was the raised index and little finger around. We were getting rocked like hell. The violinist, and the small eyed lead guitarist, the singer, bassist, keys.. everyone looked on their high from the music. Yes, it was their day. I have to say, i just love these guys !!

8.15 PM
i didn't have my watch on, and we all thought it Maiden time now. But somebody reminded me we had one more opening act, and its called Lauren Haris. Damn.. who the hell is this anyway?
There was this 50 - something lady with a black sleaveless t shirt and black pants moving around behind the stage, and some of us speculated that she was Lauren Harris. And when the show went on, we saw the real Lauren Harris, a 25 something girl,trying hard to make her mark. The lady was her drummer, and another lady(?) came in with the Rhythm guitar. There was this guy, with long hair and typical metal look, with the lead guitar.

I didnt quite like the style of Lauren Harris. She is not the rock - metal type, but i guess she was playing rock, because anything with the touch of pop in front of an ocean of metal fans could be suicide. In my personal opinion, she never did justice to metal fans, and their act lasted about 45 minutes, much to the irritation of the crowd.. we were out of water, air, food, some of us were already out of thier clothing, cigarettes, liquor, and the crowd were even out of marijuana!!
And suddenly we all had a serious doubt regarding the gender of the drummer. It she a he? or is he a she?? The face says its a she while when "she" stood up, the relevant body featres of a lady didnt show up. The debate, i guess, still goes on.


Where is maiden???

8.50 PM
And then it happened. My bottle is almost out of water. just a couple of "gulp"s and i will be relieved of my bottle. And when Maiden comes in, i would not be able to even hold the bottle. So when we sent Lauren Harris out of stage with occasional boooooos and our beloved middle finger, i had a last feel of water, and passed the bottle to the "i'll do anything for water" guys who was standing next to me. I could see them trying hard to squeeze the last few drops that was left inside.

Wait, wait,wait
Please wait, the stage is being set.. another annoying 10- 15 minutes. I have, never been in a more annoying situation before.

-------------------------------------------End of Part I----------------------------------------

Eyes Speak More

Over speeding

I always love to take the curve at high speeds ..
But sometimes, there were no curves..

Names

ok... the sine wave is back to 360 degree, up from an all time low 270 degree. (you need to know a bit on sine waves and read my last post to understand what i meant) I am lookin for a 90 degree rise on March 17, when good ol' Iron maiden blasts blore. I am not sure of the tickets, but hopefully, fellow blore dumpos will take care of that.

And suddenly i have a fascination on names. A spike of thought, which could not be bypassed to ground, technically speaking.

Here are some of them names, i love to call some of my dear friends. the idiotic "eternal wanderer" (R) adds in some names once in a while(yes, people call him lot of names, obviously), and i'm adding them and their meaning here.. you would love to call these names.... use them in the right situation!!

Please note: contributions accepted. Credits will be given to the contributor.

1) nutcase (R) (love this one!!)
2) doofus (R)
3) dumpo (In reference to the female species)
4) idiota (was that in "the specialist" ??)
5) crankshaft (for the automobile people)
6) dildo (oops.. hope no minors are in here.. but a great name to call)
7) dimbulb
8) dumbell
9) creepiferous numbskullicus (R)


you can suffix "maximus" to the names..
eg: doofus maximus


...... please keep addin (preferably with their meaning) come back for more names..

The darkest day

hmmm.. today has been another one of that cursed days. These type of days usually came so many times in a year, but now the intensity has reduced to one or two. The day still remains black, and i hope it will turn blue in the least hopeful years to come.. how much more?? 30? 40? no i dont want to live till 50 !!!

And as i mentioned earlier, these type of days end up with never ending streams of lost thoughts. But however, i'm happy that i can overcome the trauma by myself.

Some incidents can really turn me down. And today had the biggest blow in my life. I gues, yes, it was the biggest. In all sense. When i look back at all the bad patches i had gone through, this one stands out. I dont feel like discussing it here. But i know my frustration levels have gone down - I am still in office writing codes and designing circuits rather than taking a long trip outside kerala or sinking my head in forbidden spirits.

Its rather funny.. If you have ever wondered what happens in my deranged brain when i am down..and come back surprisingly fast - in half hour!! heres what usually happens in my mind- the secret is finally out!!!!

1) My sensitive mind come to know about something - which severly damage my levels of stability
(It could be anything - from serious mental frustrations, a design failure of a project, social injustice done to a person i have not seen or met in my entire life, a fight at home ( for no reason whatsoever ), or one of my friend not calling at the promised time.. )

2) Reactions in body
I loose all control for approximately 5 minutes. People real close to me might remember me talking nonsence at times. That time, i might talk senseless things, swear in public, do strange things, etc etc. My legs feel cold and head feel really hot. A strange feeling passes through my spine. The I - am - always - hungry - and upset Stomach goes more hungry and upset

3) Blues
The next 5 - 10 minutes i think about how unlucky and useless i am to the whole human kind, right from ADAM and EVE. I think why i have to live. I understand how bad i was to my friends, and tries hard to establish i am alone in the whole universe

4) Usually happens - i call someone and people are busy
And at this point of time, i sometimes think of calling the so called people, whose phone numbers i remember. And they are called friends. And needless to say, i know these people will be busy, and i take the slightest discontent in their words for their disinterest in a long talk. The phone is back to hook.. Even if they talk, i accuse them for things they didnt do, for forgetting the basic duties as a friend ( Like guessing that i might be off mood at 5:35:34PM and calling me at the nick of the time i feel bad. for the record, they are usually 200 - 600 KMs away)

5) Blues again
I now curse these "stupid selfish" friends of mine who has forgotten their basic duty. Thoughts of dismantling "project Jobin" comes every millisecond, but i am not that courageous as i used to be when i tried it long back. "Understanding" that i am for myself, the arian character comes up (well nothing against friends - all the good friends has been nice to me. only thing i sometimes ask for too much)

6) Never Give Up!!!
Yes, i am not giving up - I had real real tough times before, and i took weeks to come out of it, thats about 5 -6 years back. Everyone asked me to believe in god, which i simply cannot.. Well - if gods playing tricks on me, and putting me down everytime he wants, i simply dont want to go down.. I AINT GOING DOWN !!!

7) And i am back !!
More energetic, more faster. Now a days the recovery comes faster. Its hard to catch me at this time..Just try if you can!!!

8) And i am back - into laziness
And as i almost finish my work - the drive is over, but the work is not finished.. I could be completed easily, but the inherent laziness inside comes into action... i am back to sleep. Till the next silly/serious thing turns me down.


Yes the toughest day till date has passed by. I am still there, alive. The self - terminating thoughts are there, in fact it was always there, every day.

And if somebody asked me - would you mind if you died today - I would say no. I dont mind.I have dreams to chase, I am so busy all the day, but nothing is as good and exciting as diving into a world you do not know.