WTF.

267 posts and 3 years.
WTF.

the fire to write has turned into droopy eyes that refuse to look at the computer screen.
I need to be alcoholic again.
ASAP.

Worn out.

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Like never before.
Feels like i am getting older.
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One time again.

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little tones from mobile phone

runs to ears one time again

when the day gives way

to the dark of night

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The memory still holds

I am still feeling the voice

but vague, obscured and dark

And i dont miss a thing.

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Let the train roll on

with new people on board

May be thats the way

the train likes to roll.

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Interesting.

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I have just completely lost interest in doing something which i passionately did till 12 hours before.

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Things can change, fast.

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of Gods and Men.

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I still refuse to believe in God.

They say "he" sent us to earth with a "free" mind..

And expect us to pray to him.

And if there is a "he" god, there has to be a "she" god, and they must be having children too. Yes, like in the Hindu concepts.

Christianity doesnt have a "she" god. Poor "he" god.

Whatever the religion be, Gods have anger, emotions, and empathy. They will take care of you if you pray.

And yes, they are happy if they get money.

Greedy, Greedy gods.. they have the whole universe with them, and they still need the money from us to give us some favour in return !!!

We are all the sons of Gods..

Yes.

I dont want parents who refuse to come to me in person.

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period.

ps: Yes, believers are like sheep, as they say. Blind to the world, and not able to think in themselves, and yes, following a book, which was written by a good novelist years back.

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That one last string.

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That one last string that

hold the tent, was broken.

From the other side.

The tent is down.

It no more accepts occupants.

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The house that Jack built.

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I'm Building a house

and I changed the plans

Removed them windows

and left just one door

Thin wooden walls

and one single room

I aint cookin anything

I dont need a kitchen

I will remain naked

inside, the the comfort of the dark

You dont have to drill the hole

to peek me in the nude

knock, and I shall open the door

and you can see me naked.

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That simple refusal.

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Parents refuse to believe that their kids are human beings with a brain of their own with a mind of their own.

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They also refuse to believe that whatever wrong the kids do, they have learnt from the parents themselves.

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.....

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The lady on the street shouted at an insane man, for not following the rules.

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Time to redefine insanity.

.....

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I have stopped asking.

It doesnt work that way.

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The window and the glass.

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Broken, by a ball.

But what clue did the little kid had

About how precious the glass was.

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None is to be blamed.

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After all, it was me, who wanted a glass on the window.

Time out, please..

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Every cell in my body cries for a time out.

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Good things

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Good things doesn't last long. Sigh.

May be, they are good things cause they dont last long.

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.....

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Or may be, the mother had a rethink.

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The fetus and the mother.

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The mother killed the fetus for the fear of losing it.

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....

I got no clue to what i am looking at. It could be a person to have a drink with, a person to have a talk, or a person to share the bed with. Worse, it could be all of the above. I am in no position to start a new relationship, and these are times when I am keeping away from the company of a woman, for multiple reasons.

A strange, weird feeling have taken over me, which drives me into talking. chatting. The feeling looks quite temporary. But I aint putting a hold to it. I dont have to stop something which I feel, is temporary. If it is not, then I should not be holding at all.

Either way, let it be. As long as it doesnt hurt anyone.

So let the thin 5ft. remain.

one good invention.

well.. i have been talking about invention and inventions.. Its been some time since a revolutionary invention was made - since the invention of condoms and other contraceptives..

SO here is this invention I want badly.. The machine uses the existing internet connection.

The user A, pours whiskey to the bluetooth "whiskey reader" in his laptop, and the poured whiskey comes out through the whiskey/universal alcohol receiver at user B system.

The internet /admin may charge 10ml of whiskey per 120 ml transferred.

comments welcome.

a big sigh.. again.

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High school kids have started calling me "uncle"

Things were never this depressing for some time now.

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TOp 10.. Inventions

Ok. Heres my top ten list of inventions !!!

1> Alcohol.

2> Yo Yo

3> Tooth Paste

4> Tissue Paper

5> Condoms

6> Square Ruled note book

7> Chinese Green Tea

8> Electric Guitar and the distortion kit.

9> Pillow

10> TV Remote Control.

And here is the 10 worst inventions...

1> Mobile Phones

2> Underwear and Clothes

3> Microsoft Windows

4> Credit Cards

5> SMS lingo - writing "dat" for 'that', "u" for 'you' and so on..

6> Cigarette/tobacco

7> Marriage

8> Concrete

9> Greeting Cards

10>The apple (Invented by Adam and given to Eve.)

Let it be written, let it be believed

At last. I got a night at my home, and i have a relatively clean mind. Clean mind means nasty thoughts, and nasty blogs, of course. :P

I have forgotten about this news, but today at work in planetarium, this topic came in again. News of this highly bright girl, who belongs to my city, and also, lives close to my home. And this bright girl seems to play with astrophysics. Hmm.. I should be interested. The reason why I am linked with Planetarium, is, or may be, is, I used to do something with Astronomy and Astrophysics.

I saw the real article some time back. I just read the headline. I was too busy, I had work to do so that I can live. Then came in calls from my friends and people I know. Many accused me of not knowing this girl, cause this girl is huge, and her new theories question Einstien Himself. Wow. And She is in US, doing this and that. Great. Let her be.

My attention came back to the topic, when my old friend, bahiravan aka Anoop G, had this circulating. I used to follow his writings, and then, i did follow the links. And the whole story turned out to be a hoax, at least when I look from this angle.

For malayalam readers,

http://bhairavan.in/narmabhumi/

Whew...

"She designed a rocket that can reach mars !!!" says the news

So why, is it that she didnt launch it !! Scrap ISRO. Scrap the hundreds of scientists who have been designing rockets which can reach Moon.

It takes years to design a good rocket that flies to space. Hundreds of scientists work on it. You just cant draw a sketch and expect it to work. Its all common sense. It took us a couple of days to design a small rocket which was guaranteed to fly at our annual Rocket making workshop. Well, we have been working on model rockets for some time now..

I believe thats what she did. Connecting a commercially available rocket motor to a tube and attach a nose cone. Kids do it every year at our workshops, here in calicut.

"She is a part of Google Lunar X Race..."

Thats great, but which team. Anyone with money can register in the race. I have been looking for sponsorships, who can shell out 7.5 Lakhs just for registering a new team. And millions to take us to the launch. No indian team have registered yet, 21 teams have registered as for now. The teams CANNOT be governmental, so she must be part of one of those 21 teams. Which one??

Even if she is part of the team, what is she working at?

Designing the rover? programming it? designing the flight path? Well.. These are not kids play, all she will be able to do, is to watch, and study what the guys are doing. Thats what student teams do. They dont really make things of this dimension.

http://www.googlelunarxprize.org/lunar/teams

I am surprised at the report that she has been invited to different countries, before even she published her first paper. Publishing a paper and convincing the scientific world about the theory, is a different thing. Reading books, and thinking and Coming up with a theory is a different thing. Theories need to be substantiated with proper proof. That, is more difficult.

I am no one to comment on other things that came in the news, because i have no first hand information on the truth, and I cannot rely on blogs to know the truth. But I disagree pretty much on her views, that she had to rely on other countries, because our country is not FIT for her.

lol.

I would have refrained on writing something bad on her, but This statement pissed me off. if you are anything now, its because of this country. If you were in a different country, you would have been carrying a child by now. Just a possibility. No offence intended.

If she said that, i am really ashamed of her. Our scientists are among the best, and IIA and TIFR are among world standards, in terms of brain. Kavalur has the biggest optical telescope in Asia, and our country have good Radio telescopes. Forget about big things India have. She could have visited at least the Calicut Regional Science Center, and have a look at the Library. I dont have a memory of her visiting, my apologies if I am wrong.

Other claims of her has been discussed here, in Bhairavans blog, so there is no point why I should write on it.

http://bhairavan.in/narmabhumi/

scroll down to see the discussions. He has arranged things clean, as usual.

The girl is lucky, she had good exposure. She has a head start compared to other kids. I believe its too early to talk about her talent, because until now, she has NOT PROVEN anything. So let us see her papers, and let the scientific community work on it and decide on it.

Let her grow up. The media has taken a toll on her, or the real culprit might be her guide, whoever that is.

Last word:

If the reporter is not yet fired, somebody might put the press office on fire later on.

Last Last word:

Good luck, kid, I had no intentions to demotivate you, but these are things that you have to cope up, and if you can get over it, and prove a point later on, you can be stronger than what you are. Now, you have a point to prove, take this as a challenge. And stop mixing religion and science. If you have it in you, prove it. The country will be with you.

Feels like it.

My mind seems to be stabilising. I am surprised it took all these years.. close to 30 years for it even seem like stabilising.

I look back at the life spent. I always preferred to look at the things i liked. I always refused to look at the ugly side.

I am scared.

Rather uneasy.

Rather disturbed.

Scared that i might hate myself. Scared to look back ride through the self realisation that I have been living different than what i really was. I have been overrating myself.

I look back at the blog. I look at the theme it reflects. I can see the darkness it spreads. It comes back to the theme that life doesnt matter much. It radiates negative feelings, most of the time.

Even this post. YES.

I fail to write humour. I tried hard, i couldnt.

I feel like lifting up the spirit of my blog.

I cant.

numb.

The lines of the stupid and the insane.

Dawn is here again.

Wild rough waves in the ocean caress once in a while.

Sheer power of the ocean, trying hard to topple down the thin wooden raft.

For no known reasons.

The raft prefers to be aloft. Be it be toppled, be it be thrown up. Be it be broken.

The raft will be aloft.

Its all about holding on to it, all the time. Its all about not letting it go.

The calm waters and the clear sky seems to be more scary.

The calm before the storm, they say.

Pray for the storm be fast.

So the fear be gone.

Life seem to be sailing, with or without it.

WHen !!??

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when will I (L)earn !!

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Anger management.

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Here I was, in front of the mirror. The bathroom mirror. Looking at my face and wondering if I looked good or not. I was taking bath, and for obvious reasons, I am nude. The pot belly has reduced in diameter, probably because of my less alcohol intake, or may be, the green tea. But still I didnt like the way I looked. I am happy with everything below the waist (no detailed description, you pervert !! :P ), but everything above it seemed to need urgent attention.

I like my shoulders, but my elbow seems to need moisturizers. The lower part of my hand seems to be too dark than the upper part. Blame it on the sun and half sleeve t shirts. And well.. the face. sigh.

I dont know why I started growing my hair. Or rather, stopped cutting my hair. I wanted long hair, for no reason. Well, I aint imitating something. People say I am imitating APJ, and Dhony (when he had long hair). I hate them saying that. Coming back to the point, it looks real ugly if I dont fix it properly. Well. let it. I aint cutting it soon.

I am happy with my nose. Except for the small, painful pimples that comes up every time i forget to wash my face. My eyes are normally discolored, and droopy, but I am fine with that. Ears.. No problem. I hardly clean it. So dont peep into my ears.

I dont like my cheeks. But nothing I can do about it. My lips either. I think its too thick. well.. Open my mouth and I see my teeth.

There is this small piece broken off my front tooth. Blame it on my anger. Every time I am angry on phone, I first bite my teeth, and then this small piece will break off off my front tooth, and then I would call the other person an A@# H%^& and then keep the phone. I save a lot of mobile bill this way, but I am losing my tooth.

I need anger management. I have been counting numbers, but that piss me off fast, because I cant count properly when in anger. I need to model my brain as a set of stupid chemicals, giving out signals to the wrong dendrites and axions when in anger.

Whew.. before I finished thinking, it seems to be working. Chemicals. Blame it on the chemicals. And not the F***ing A**h*** who is standing in front of you, who did all the wrong things.

It, for sure, is a weird, weird world.

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A day with my future.

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So I did. I went to this astrologer, with my friend. I am an athiest, alright, and obviously i dont believe in these stuff. Alright again. But its fun listening to people talking about our lives. Our future, our past. To believe it or not, is not the question.

My friend was more serious than I was. He believes in it, though not a hard core believer. Anyway, the appointment was fixed, and there we were, in front of this man.

He had this typical astrologer look, clad in "bhasma" on usual places on his body. He had thick beard and moustache, but groomed. We sat in chairs, and he sat in front of us, with this wooden board, rested on a small piece of furniture. That was my first time to any astrologer, and all I know about this species of men, are from movies, mostly played by thilakan. But this one was different. The ones in movies sat on the floor, wile this one preferred a chair. Good.. Its been long time since i sat on the floor, and sitting down for long means pain.

So my friend gave the "jathakam", and the astrologer took out a set of sea shells out of this cute pouch. It (the pouch) looked beautiful. Small squares were drawn on the board, and malayalam alphabets written on the sides. He took his time to arrange the shells on different squares, and whats in store for my friend was revealled. Well, majority of what he said seemed to be true, even to me. A bright future was predicted, and now it was my turn.

I didnt have this "Jathakam" because it was not written. The time, date, etc was given and he did some stuff with the shells, and there it was -

He asked me if I was married. I said no.

And heres what he had to say, -

> My life will be straight, only after I get married

> I will have increasing debt

> I will be wandering, and will not have a fixed income

> I will have no benefit from my work, others will benefit from my business

> I might have love affairs, but I do not have to guts to marry one of them

> There is a problem with the "vasthu" of my house, which is creating problems

> My mother might fall down

> It will be difficult, for me to fix up a marriage, but I must try

> Nothing will be right until I get married

> And I have to be willing to marry so that I can get married.

hmm.. the future doesnt look bright, as I dont have any intention to get married in the near future. What he said of my current state of affairs might be true, or in fact very true. So if my future, as he predicted, is in doom, if I aint getting married, well.....

I aint scared. But I am, for sure uneasy. Things was never going straight, and it never seemed it will be straight. So I am sort of used to it. Its when a solution becomes the most difficult thing you can do in life.

Well.. Still, I am an athiest. All these things should be meaningless. But the guy did disturb my mind. My people used to believe I have a secret attachment to god, and that I might be praying in private. That I am carrying with my athiesm as a fashion. I do not care what others say about my belief, and my belief stands as strong as it used to be.

Well., of course, I aint getting married. That thought is far more scary than what can happen If i dont marry.

period.

winning

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You win some, you lose some more

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That one line that defines me best

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Trust me, I aint trustable.

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..

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allein

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....

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Self realisation has been the toughest thing that i ever tried to handle.

I am yet to handle it good.

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darn

:

Its only the famous who might not want to be famous.

And its only the rich who believes the poor has a better state of mind.

:

Fear of the consequences.

The woman looked good. Words might fail to express the way she looked. The skin had light tones of wheat. The hair had the warmth but felt cool and serene. The eyes were milky white, and the nose seemed to be perfect. The lips were inviting, and the body had all perfect bends. The perfect figure every man would love to look at and every woman would love to possess.

She stood near the platform, waiting for her train to come. so did the many people, who were to take the same train. She could feel all the stares and the looks caressing her face, and every part of her body. Yet she stood alone. Men roamed around her, rearranged their attire in the best way they could. No one dared to come forward and start a conversation. Inhibitions. of all sorts. The fear of rejection, the fear of insult. The fear of giving out unnatural gestures. The increased heart beat.

In came the man, he could not place his steps. The backpack looked ackward in shape, it was obvious the things inside were stuffed in in the last minute. Its been days since he touched the shaving machine, or months since he has visited the salon. The top buttons remained unbuttoned, and the chest hair stood out of the vent to get the fresh air. He smelled whiskey, it was like he was drinking all day long.

He walked slowly, down to our lady. He could not feel the difference. He could not understand the beauty either.

"howdy ??" came out of the worn out lips, tinted with alcohol breath.

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The sadistic thing.

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I am, for sure getting happy when i see some one in dire straits.

sadistic?

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Very much like me.

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Things are going very much unlike me.

That makes it very much like me.

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Ironic.

It is.

Its when the only truth in the world seems to be the irony.

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UNtiTLed

"pachcheess"

now, what is pachees supposed to be? I have heard of this word before, but i was confused if it is 25 or 50. I dont want the rikshaw guy to take me for a ride, so the next thing i did is to text someone, who claims, has a good command over the language called hindi.

'50'. the SMS came back in no time. I was happy. I made a good looking fool out of myself last time, when i came down to delhi - That was when I was advised to take an auto if it costs less than 60. And then I refused to take an auto when the driver proposed "satt," and instead, asked him to take me for "sixty", to which he readily agreed. I thought I saved 20.

Coming back to the story - I walked down through the array of rickshaws, and when the next rikshaw guy came, i refused to go for 'pachees'.. Instead I proposed 'thirty' which he readily agreed. I got in with a smile, and being proud of being a good bargainer, in a world whose language i hardly know.

....

At times, the answer turns out to be more disturbing than its question.

....

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Money IS getting expensive day by day.

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May be, they should allow good old barter system in banks.

:D

That last thing.

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The last thing I want when I ride my old age is a fat body and/or an erectile dysfunction.

.

:D

The long and winding road.

The road was clean. Apart from little pools of water that reminds me of the rain yesterday, the road was inviting. Thin layers of mist surrounded the car, accompanied by cool breeze. The sun was not yet born for the day. The scenario was perfect for a long drive. Just the kind of start I wanted.

Yesterday was rather hectic. I am no planner, even though I am always teased for my planning. Magazines, and experienced people always reminds me and preach about the planning and preparations for a long journey of my kind. Advices, suggestions and strict orders are always on the line. Well, I had my own list of schemes anyway.

I armed myself with nonsense commonsense, huge volumes of passion, great measures of laziness, and insanity as required. I used to have a collection of aggression of various kinds, which I have lost one by one, on my previous ventures. Mixed variety of emotions and mild volumes of explosive sensitivity have taken their place.

The tyres on my car are tired, they need expensive replacements. Fuel level remained insufficientas usual. Brakes were hardly serviced, for they were hardly used.

I have started off anyway. All set. Or I believe all set. Or so, I thought.

I Knew I forgot something. I knew something is missing.

The map.

Well, I even do not know where I am driving to. I guess i do not need a map for that kind of a journey.

Never. Ever.

Its been some days, and I still cannot believe, digest, accept, understand, come into terms or whatever with the news. Some body died, because of a heart attack. I continued to be in a good mood. I am happy. The news did nothing to my mood or level of frustration. After all, my inner self has refused to believe the news.

Jacko is dead.

I remember the first time I have started to listen to any music which is english. That was Bad. The Album Bad. He looked ackward. He had long hair which I thought looked ugly, had a glove in one hand and other weird things. He used to hold on to his crotch while he danced. Well, the music was better. I must have been a 12 yo then.

There were no CDs then. In fact, CDs were yet to be invented. A tape recorder was a luxury in and around my household. I remember we had one at home. But cassets were too expensive. So I would go to this friends place where he had some cassets, and listen to them there.

A couple of years later, and I remember I had all his albums till date. I collected all the lyrics (There was no computer, forget the internet), and would sing and dance to the music. His attire, his attitude and all other weird things were quite understandable. He was all. I never even felt like listening to any other band.

Years have passed by, and its been a long 6 years since I have listened to Jacko. Pop music has moved out of my list of preferences. But still, the photos and the pieces of videos that flash frequently on the television screen now brings in Nostalgic moments. The music was an inspiration. Was a relief. His last Album was hopeless. True. But he is irreplacable.

I am a hardcore and die hard fan of the 60s and 70s classical scenario. Led Zeppelin, Jim Morrison, Thin Lizzy, Grateful dead and Blue oyster Cult and all have no musical relation to Michael Jackson. Yet, He is the only singer, whos all songs I have heard, whos all Albums I have purchased, and He is the only singer who I have been a die hard fan in a streak for more than 5 years. Musically, I felt him better than the Beatles. And no one is ever going to sing and Dance like him.

The King of pop is dead.

Sad, the throne will never be used.

Never, Ever.

all along the watchtower again.

After 29 years, I got someone back.

Sigh.

I always wished colleges were all about understanding,

and not learning.

All they do is manufacture people who can reproduce in paper something they memorised on the day of the exam eve.

Wild, Wild, and pricky.

Yes, I knew, for some reasons, I need to blog. I need to.

I need to let out a stream of mixed and uncooked emotions. Its like you had a lot of mixed stuff down your stomach and you want to puke. You want to because you dont want to have them down your stomach. You want an empty stomach.

Yes, I need an empty mind.

People used to tell me, that an athiest CANNOT believe in fate. I disagree. I have no reason to believe GOD exists, and I have solid reasons to believe in something called fate. Fate is that something which makes me feel good when down, and that makes me feel bad when I achieve something.

Its past 12 here in singapore, its hot and I have a running nose. The climate has taken a toll on me. Its worse than India. Anyway I will be back to India in a couple of days, So thats fine.

Its not that a running nose is a possible sympton for the notorious H1N1, that bugs me now. There are a lot of things that bug me now, and I am down. Yes. I just cant make out what I am supposed to do with life.

I meet a lot of people here, and every one have family. Some have kids, some are trying hard to, and some are expecting. Well there are two small kids running around here, in the flat where I live, and they happen to be my niece and nephew.

Well, obviously, I aint married yet, but many guys my age are married and are having a couple of kids. They work, they earn money, they send home some money, they save, they spend for the family.

I work, I spend for me, doesnt give much to my parents, I waste money for no reason, I dont save, I do not have a permanent Income, I live on the edge when It comes to career, and I dont like to have My own kids. In fact, I cant imagine. I cannot imagine me raising a kid. I cant imagine me spending for my wife and kid. I cant imagine me spending for wedding. All these things seems meaningless to me, when I say that, its really hopelessly meaningless to me now.

I feel free, I feel happy and relieved when without committment to anyone. With committment, I felt bounded, I felt tied, I felt chained. I feel jailed.

But then, I am free now. but, what am I supposed to do now!

I always dreamed of holidays, and moving around with some cash. Yes, I am lucky, I have visited a few countries, have visited many places I wanted to.

I always thought, sitting on a street restaurant with a can of beer and plenty of time and nothing much to worry about is a perfect holiday. Well, it happened. but, I was bored to death.

I have terribly miscalculated about the things that could make me happy. As I go through and try hard and achieve them, one my one, by spending insanely huge amount of money that I have struggled pretty well for, I realise they dont make me feel really good. Nothing seems to make me feel good. But everything seems to make me feel bad.

The fate, as I see it, is never cruel. Well.. I have had to struggle a lot. I had gone through a series of bad luck. No good thing came to me easily, but when they came, they didnt make me feel good either. Fate, or destiny have given me enough things that I could have been happy, but whos to blame If i didnt feel it.

I know.. as an ardent believer of fate, all I have to do is go through, as even your emotions are what you get, not you take. You live, you go through, you die, and when you feel like you have solved the Jigsaw puzzle as to on why we live, the whole life seems to be too meaningless.

Everyone have this common goal of having more happy times than bad times, and thats why they study well, work hard, get a job, earn money by all possible means, have children, have fun, be happy, satiate your hunger, your ego, and your dream. The goal is, to have more happy times.

Somehow, or for reasons unknown, and will be never answered, we know there aint any formula for that. The society seems to believe in a set of rules, that they say, would give us more good times. Morality, they call it.

I have broken almost all morality rules that exist in my part of world. Ironically, those moments, are among the few moments that made me fell good, those moments are those i love to look at, sometimes. I know I have hurt many, and many have hurt me, in many ways. Cnat stop it, though.

I feel like the odd one out. I feel like the outcast. I can feel the hate showed on me by many. Yet, I perfer to be myself.

Yet, I feel at times, that I need to be loved. I have lived a major chunk of my life, without the feeling of loved and to love. Of course, I have had numerous crushes, that which lasted for one hour to that lasted for a few months. I was hopeless when it comes to meeting girls, I never used to feel bad about it, probably because I was too busy that I never seriously felt a need for a girlfriend. Yes, I had some relationships where some girls did come close to me, but it never developed - rather I didnt allow it to develop - It was too ackward. Committment was unthinkable. All I ever wanted was a one night stand - those days.

Nothing is static - I guess.

That phenomenon of aging did make me look old, and another phenomenon called alcohol have taken toll of my health, that I look bloated, horrible and sometimes, Ugly. The grown hair have only added to it, as people say. I neve used to mind, except for my tummy. Never cared what people say - all I want is long hair..

My mind have gone younger - to the likes of a teenager. The need to be loved have started poking my mind. Its strange and I am not used to that kind of an emotion. I need it sometimes, and I dont need it sometimes. For reasons still unknown, I am being routed through a road I am not used to.

I cant, and I dont have a clue what to do. Its complex, but nothing serious. I am, for sure going through a mental struggle. But I have money to eat, clothes, and a house. There are people who doesnt have all of these.

I am not worried. I feel low. I feel philosophical. I stare at myself as to why I have to make my thoughts public. There aint much people reading my blogs, but people who read them knows me. I dont think many of them expect me to have thoughts like this. I expect people to look at me in a different way, I cant say good or bad. I dont have to worry good or bad.

Because, I believe in destiny, and All that is mine will come to me, good or bad.

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Pretense.

.

I refuse to pretend. Thats what I thought I do. But on a deeper second thought, I am not quite sure of that. I stare back at myself with another set of eyes and thats not the picture I see.

I refuse to believe that I am in trouble. I refuse to see the volcano about to erupt. I know what I do is wrong. What I am doing is exactly what I love to accuse other people of. What I do is exactly what I wonder WHY people do. I am dragging myself to a point where other people along with me can get hurt.

Still I refuse to believe it. I turn my back at the bigger picture.

May be its because of the peace of mind that I get for the time being. May be, I believe this is what I used to miss all my life. There was always many things missing, and I used to fill the missing parts with the pieces I used to get as I move on. Nothing seemed to fit in, but this.

I know this piece will fall apart as time goes. But I do not want to let it go now. I want to hold on to it as much as possible. Good things seldom lasts, and I know it pretty well.

I feel younger. I feel like a teenager. I know the number 3 is waiting at my doorstep, ready to replace the number 2. I am almost at the mid part of my life. I am scared. But I pretend I am not.

I pretend to act my age.

I refuse to think my age.

I pretend I am young.

I am getting complicated.

I am living without directions.

I am living without a will.

I pretend to be happy.

I pretend to be myself.

I pretend to love.

Or may be, I aint pretending.

I just dont even know If I am pretending or not.

I just dont even know If I am happy or not.

I just dont even know.

.

Mistakes in an infinite while loop.

I do not know how I got trapped into this. I persist to continue. Its like repeating the same old mistakes is what i was born for.

Out of the numerous little examples. The guy(me) who have read none but one novel in the last 12 years, prefer to browse through the book store at the airport. And for no reason, instinct tells him he has to read a book, right now. Yes, I was travelling on a tight budget, so I know (I REPEAT, I KNOW) every penny counts. And suddenly, from thin air, i developed a fancy towards Salman Rushdie, and I end up buying a book of him which costs me 650. Indian rupee of course. I tried reading it, and developed this affinity to deep sleep, so I stopped reading and went for a hot cup of coffee. And now the book lay besides me, sporting a sarcastic smile. I dont think I will read that book again. I know, because my room is filled with a lot of such books. Its not the first, second, third or the tenth time I am doing this.

I hate a lot of people, probably because they are doing well in life, better than me. And when I stare and peek into their way of life, I tend to realise they prefer to do the "Right" things. Right things, according to their definition turns to be right in the long run, while Right things in my definition turns to be wrong most of the time. Its time to define definitions, and as I do it, i also realises there aint better way to waste time.

So I am back into square one, trying hard to believe what I did is right. Trying hard to believe t was right to waste Rs 650 for no reason while on a strict budget. Talking to myself and convincing my brain never to regret.

For me, I am the Mr right. If I cant be the Mr right for me, how can I be to any one else?

At least for now, I have to believe I AM right.

So whats new?

.

I wanted to write something.

Guess the statement says it all.

sigh.

.

insane transactions of the brain.

Its late at night and everything seems to be so meaningless. No, its not really the time that gives the feeling. Times have become too strange that even alcohol seems to bear a meaningless name tag. Worse, even meaninglessness seams to be meaningless.

Putting it into an other perspective - Nothing seems to matter. After all, the human being is nothing but a complex arrangement of atoms and molecules in a weird manner, so that they possess a feeling of thinking. May be, the feeling of thinking is called life.

SO?

Words fail to express the feeling of a complete vacuum. Just opening the eyes wide and staring straight to the white pate wall in front of me for hours didnt give me enlightenment either. But, what persists to give me the chill to the depths of my bones, is not my career, not the multitudes of issues that i am forced to face everyday. Still, I am scared. Of the truth. Or knowing that I do not know the truth. The realisation that world exists, even if we sin or not. Even when we die or not. Even if global warming kills the entire species. Even if Third front wins the elections. Even if the world is nuked.

Sun is supposed to eat earth, anyway. So whats the point?

To live life according to a set of rules written by some unknown assholes so that we can live peacefully in heaven? Sorry, dear, I refuce to buy it. Its high time we all realise, come what may, the world cares a damn. We are too small that, the universe even do not know we exist.

And the tenth std result becomes a matter of life and death.

People fight in the streets for a matter of 5 rupees.

People kill to get heaven after death.

People marry. (I still cant understand, why they have to make it legal - why cant they simple start living together?)

People refuce to marry a particular girl because she doesnt have the right bra size.

What is that really matters?

May be, the time we all die. Then, we would know, nothing really matters at all.

Sad, we have to wait till our death to know how to live.

.

That stray thought again.

Yes, I am accused by my friends (mostly by my female friends) that I think and write only about sex. I cant get the logic. I have written more than 250 posts, maintains separate blogs on music, art and astronomy. Sex has been the main topic of post only less than 10 times, including this one. That is not even 5%.!!

Well, the accusations wont stop me writing anyway.

For some reasons, sex, or the thoughts of sex have dominated some part of my life. Guess, that will be the case with everyone, at some point of life. There has, sure been an evolution in the way I see things, from the very first time i played with myself to the time now. When I look back, I can feel the change, owing to the many incidents that happened from my childhood, through my teenage, to what I am now.

I remember the first time I watched porn. I remember the curiosity to see the female genital, and I remember the curiosity on that thing called intercourse. There was no PC available then (forget internet!!), there were no good material. Only things available was the local literature, and some black and white, unclear pics that some guys used to bring to school, and made us pay some where around 50 paise for a glance. Well - that was in the early 90's. The only education I got about the topic, was from the letters to the doctor, which used to feature in magazines. Well, that educated me quite well, and I am happy I was not mislead during my early pre teens.

Then came the society, and the ethics. These things (read porn) were labelled bad, obscene, vulgar, and every derogatory word that could be used. I couldnot find the point. I still cant, for that matter.

I remember the desperation to see a female body in my pre teens. May be that was when I was a 10 year old. Watching porn, did reduce the curiosity to a comfortable level. The frustrations of teenage has given way to manageable and controllable feelings by the time I reached college.

Something has made me feel bad, or uncomfortable, at times. The advent of latest technology and mobile phone camera have created a lot of side - issues. There is variety in the internet these days. From the stereotype and conventional porn that used to be available, things have changed to a situation where you get any type of flcks, of your choice. Porn is available matching the fantasies of all people - you can choose in terms of age, race, region, fetishes, type of sex acts, and a lot of combinations that you want. And among that, the one that people loves the most seems to be the real life ones - the hidden cams.

Thats where the mobile cams comes in. Websites are filled with leaked private moments of couples, mostly college going ones. Yes, while its enjoyable to watch them, sometimes it do make me feel bad watching them. We, unfortunately are in the era of transition, and social reforms, in terms of virginity of a women at marriage. Virginity of a man at marriage was never a serious issue, I believe. Pre marital sex happend since man kind has evolved, but it was not documented so extensively as now. Previously, women tried to hide, or tried to forget the physical relationships, and it used to work, in many cases. But its a tough call when it comes to a recorded video clip, which circulates in the net for anyone to see.

Worst, is when the society labels them, as someone who does not deserve to live in this world. Men watch, men spend hours to download, Men put up hidden cams, Men cheat women with their private moments, Men watch with wide open eyes, open the zip in no time and masturbates in no time. And then, its time to call the girl a slut, a whore, abuse her and everything.

There is some part in my mind, that stills look at these girls in a bad way, may be due to the orthodox kerala society that brought me up. But I am happy for some reason that the major part of me dont see them bad. I do feel bad about them, and I am equally disturbed on the fact that privacy is being invaded. It can happen to you, it can happen to me. Times are heading up to a situation when we have to scan for hidden cams in public toilets and dressing rooms at shops. To times that girls have to get used to being shot in the nude at the aforementioned places.

To times when men have to be prepared to marry a non virgin woman. Hard, but not hard as you think it is. all you might need is an attitude adjustment.

That, might be hard.
.

Just one of Those $%^&ing days.

.
I am able to keep my cool in this tough situation.

Surprising.Alarming.Dangerous.

I need to lose my cool to be normal.
ASAP.

indicatives.

.
I've lost the will to write.
Indicative.

(of a reduced alcohol diet.)
.

Tiny holes in the sky

Glued my eyes to the night

Wondering how, and why its dark

Opened my heart to the dark

Letting its beat fade to the void

Freed my soul  into the void

Letting it fly, into its depths

I'm waiting for the sun, to die

To pull myself, from the skies 

hmmm

Getting crazy day by day.

It was another of those hectic days. I took the night bus back to cochin, today, as I had quite a lot of work to be completed by the next day. The bus played some stupid movie as usual, denying me good sleep for two and a half hours. And After the movie was over, there was this man behind me, obviously drunk, who denied me sleep for the next half hour. 

I tried counting from one to hundred, and then back, tried imagining a lot of stuff, and somehow got some sleep. And it didnt last long.

A sudden screach, a sudden stop. The bus halted with a loud noise. As I looked around, I could see people getting out.  And as I looked outside, i could see some wires hanging outside. And as I ran to the front of the  bus I got the bigger picture. 

The bus has crashed into a post. And dragged it to quite some distance. No, two posts.  It was live wire all over the bus. I could see the sparks, i could hear them. Surprisingly, there was no panic, no fear. Everyone was calm. I took my bag, jumped out. The bus was badly hit. there was live wire all around. 

About 5 feet from the bus, was this pit, deep enough. Deep enough to overturn the bus.  Had the bus taken a second more to stop, we would all be ovrturned, with live wire all over us. Hmmm...

Still... Where is the panic??

Five more minutes, and people were talking to each other. The drunk man was a great time pass, talking silly things and people enjoyed. Some blamed the bus driver, some blamed the road.  Some were worried about reaching the destination in time. No one seems to bother that we were all lucky to be alive to reach the destination.

An Accident like this should, invoke some kind of shock, I Guess. Like when I had my first accident. Surprisingly, That was not the case. There were, for sure , many shaken passengers, who were quiet, and many, who were irritated. 

Was I excited? I guess I was. I was excited to tell people I had an accident. I was excited to have something happening like this, around me. It seemed to be refreshing. It seemed to be the change that I desperately wanted.  I seemed to be a bit happier. 

Dont know If that would be the same, if I had a serious injury. If I became disabled. Or, if some of my fellow passengers had an injury. But here I am, still excited about the event. 

The title of this post.

Period.

ha ha ha ha ha ha

.

Just realised I am the best person I can hang on to.

I regret I was late to realise it. 

.

....

.

I guess they are yet to invent an antidote to laziness. 

.

....

Here I am, again. 

Staring at the white space  called the text area where I am supposed to type doen something and then click on the "PUBLISH POST" button so that this verse can be seen by the multitudes of people who use the net. 

But, as a matter of fact, its 2.50 AM and I am supposed to sleep. I am ffeelling sleepy, really.  Head is ddown, eyes are hardly open.  I am dizzy. ans sleepy. sleep. 

Harsh. I needed to write something . may be nothing, I cant hold this no longer. giid  night. 

Of Jobs and life.

Strange. 

Another train journey and another time to meet people. Its not that i was not seeing people. I meet lot of them over a day, and i have to admit that i have to meet a lot of people who i dont want to meet. Or i am forced to. So this time around in train, as  i moved into the seat i was alloted to, i was a bit discouraged to see a bunch of old ladies lying down.  I normally do not like old ladies in train because all they do is to lie down or talk about their sons and daughters in US or UK or wherever. And of course, the money that they draw. 

And then a bunch of guys came in. I do not like a bunch of guys either. All they do these days are to play music loud on the mobile, and talk loud or things i normally do not like. 

And they started talking. Talking about the figures. I heard someone say 6.5. Now is it six thousand, or is it six lakhs? And what is it all about?

And they started talking to the ladies. And I got the summary. They are all going to Mumbai. Or, they are all going to different countries, with a job visa. Only thing is, none of them have a passport. ! The agent, as they hope and believe, will bring it in to mumbai .

There was one lady, though, who said,  straight on the guys face, that they were quite stupid.  And that its better to work in our own country. Now, I have started to like that lady !!!

Each guys paid upto 6.5 lakhs, to get a job, at this time of recession. !! Well, what i believe is, that they are either too stupid, or that they know nothing about the recession, or that they are so desparate to get a job. 

A job. Jobs are meant to get us money. Now, 6.5 lakhs, will last about 32 months, if i draw about 20,000 per month!!! Well, 20,000 at home is more than enough for me, and i believe that 32 months are more than enough to find a decent job in India.

Some things just defy logic,  or is there something  that i dont see?

On the first look, it might look like  youth has lost the faith in our counrty. Or may be that youth need more money. Or may be that they need a better living standard. 

What i believe is, These guys dont have faith in themselves. But do I have it in myself?

I used to have. 

Stranger, I do not know if I have any confidence in me at all.

As years grow by,  I am coming to know that I hardly know anything about me.  

I am not what I thought I was.

.

hmmmm,....

.

I wish Time was a commodity you could buy at a supermarket.
.

Or is it that I am plain greedy?

.

A night with the Irons.

The sweat. The heat. The power. 

The concert did hit my head like an iron rod, and may be thats why I could not move my head quite well for a couple of days. Or may be thats because I banged it a bit too much. 

Another day of 12 hours of standing. In the sun.

Another day of sweat, heat, pain, and ecstacy. 

Another day which I had an orgasm without the help of the penis.

Another day when I could fly in trance without having to smoke a weed. 

Another day to forget the pain and woulds in the mind without getting drunk.

Another day when i felt that life has a reason.

Yes, I was in the front row. I never usually miss a front row. Yes i did bang my head a bit too much. Yes, I didnt even notice that the people who were brushing and banging beside me were hot chicks, till the end of the show. 

"Live to fly"

"Fly to live"

Aces high!!

yes, we all did fly. we all did live. The smell of sweat, weed, alcohol and cigarettes were on air. ANyone could feel the raw energy that flew in through the air. I was drowned in the sea of black. In fact, everyone was lost and drowned. No one wanted to escape either. 

About two hours of heavy metal, and i am a spent piece of meat. I could hardly move my legs, could hardly move my neck. I could hardly feel my hands. All I could feel was the heart beat. And may be, yes, the heat inside. Felt just like earth, with a hot piece of molten lava on the core.

Felt like taking a hot bath and laying down on a bed with fresh bedsheets . Felt like brushing my legs on smooth cotton. 

Felt like I used the day to the maximum.

Felt Good.

PS:

The above vid is obviously poor in quality. Here is another of their vid, but not from the India concert. Old vid, but the energy is still the same....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jloHWPQgOU

Full Circle.

.

Started a life on a blue piece of rock

Started to live with a gray piece of flesh

Moving on to live with a thin line of light

Lighting up the mind with a fresh piece of want

To wake up the sun and ask to shine

To tickle the clouds and ask to rain

To clean up the wound and ask to bleed

To wipe up the eyes and ask for tears

To draw a name on the clean sand to read

To wait for the waves to wipe it clean

To sketch up a circle and trace it down

To walk a passage to a circle full grown.

To repeat the lone, lost wave

Of mistakes, crashes and burns. 

.

Blind Destiny.

.

destiny doesnt have eyes.

If is had, it would watch its step and wont stumble into you.

at the wrong time and place.

.

That one wish

For no reason, I wondered. 

If the angel of whatever,  came down and asked me for that one wish - What would I want?

I was surprised to know i would send her back. 

Guess, i dont want anything for free. 

Good old friend.

.
When I used to push hard
You were with me, through thick and thin

When I tried to make up with some one
You were with me, all along the time

When I tried to build up a dream,
You were with me, until the end

When I tried to win a match
You were watching the game, all along the game.

When I struggled to make my living
You were with me, rubbing my shoulders

When I struggled to realise my passion
You were alongside, on my side

You rode with me, you slept with me
You ate with me, shared your life with me

Stay away from me for a while
For I would love to miss you.

Dear old Failure, I would love to miss you.
.

THe rebellion. to the conventional. - 1

.

(point of inspiration :  "Sunny days. longed by many.")

.

Sun burns.

I prefer it overcast.

cool dark wind.

shrinking myself

to the cozy blanket

on the couch

with the TV on.  

.

sexy.

Love this song!!

.

To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
La la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

.

(last stanza from "Going to California" - Led Zeppelin)

grrr

.

I need something to whet my attitude.

.

...

.

I am getting framed for something I have never done.

I thought that happened only in movies

.

The new year laugh

.

You laugh at nothing 

When you got nothing to laugh about.

.

Its a new year again (sigh)

Yes, after all, new years never used to be great. And there was no element of surprise this time.

I am low, low to the deepest point that I used to be once in a while. Of course there are reasons as usual. But unlike the old times, i do not feel like resorting to anything. Or anyone.

Strange.
Not interested in alcochol which used to calm me down.
Not even trying to call the very few people who i used to resort to.
Not going to EAT.
Not gaming.

Not doing anything about it. May be the knowledge that nothing can take me out of this hole i am in right now. May be thats the most special thing about it.

I have been riding the rough seas for more than 8 years now. It was exciting at the beginning, but then i drifted away. The wind took me off shore, and I do not have a compass. I thought I saw the worst seas. I thought I saw the roughest of the waves. I thought nothing worse will come in. I was settling down. Nothing can break me down.

I should have known. I thought I could make it to the shore now that I have seen everything.

I was fooled. More is to come. I have lost hope.

I am not going to make it.

Period.